One year later
 

He flinched as he looked at himself in the mirror, this was something he had been seeing every morning now but he still couldn’t get used to the fact that this guy he was seeing was actually him. He didn’t look like himself anymore, it was as if he was looking at a completely different version of himself, a version he didn’t know, a version he didn’t want to be. He had no idea how it turned out to be like this, when he had stopped taking care of himself, when he had stopped caring about the way he looked. The only thing that he could think of as a reason was because you weren’t here anymore. Since you had been gone he hadn’t really tried anymore, he couldn’t bring himself to try and it made him feel really bad, but there was nothing he could do about it. If you weren’t here, then why should he even try, for who should he even try?

His hair was looking like a mess, and it wasn’t because he just came out of bed, it always looked like this, except when his noona’s would take care of it before he had to appear in public. His skin looked breakable and much too white for his own good, it wasn’t as shiny anymore as it used to be. His clothes weren’t that important to him anymore either, if he was just wearing something and wasn’t then it was good enough for him, why should he still wear something new or something style full, who was there to impress anyway. s and his managers had all seen him move backwards since you had left him, his dancing wasn’t as good anymore, his voice didn’t sound the same. His passion was gone, he didn’t do all of this with the same fire he had done it when you had been by his side. Everyone had noticed he had changed and they all tried to turn him back into the person he used to be, but that wasn’t possible. It was almost as if you had taken him with you, where ever you were.

He still didn’t know where you were, even though he had never stopped looking for you. He had visited your parents almost every day, begging them to tell you where you were and how you were doing, but they wouldn’t tell him anything. He still called your number every day, but each time it would tell him that the number no longer existed, still he never gave up trying. It almost made him believe that you had disappeared and that you were no longer alive, he was scared for that and he didn’t want to believe anything about it. He had searched everywhere, had checked your Facebook and other social media to get any hints of where you had gone, but nothing worked. You were gone and before you had left you had made sure he would never find you. Every day again it made him feel horrible, it reminded him of how much he had hurt you and how a bad husband he had been for you.

People would ask him where you were, on interviews, on talk shows, other programs.  They were all wondering why you never were with him anymore and why he never took you to award show anymore. They were all saying that you were such a great couple and that they missed seeing you together, and they weren’t the only ones, he was also missing that. But what did he have to tell them? That you had left him because he had been a terrible person and he had mistreated his own wife, well that was the truth and he wanted to tell them. He wanted people to know so that he could apologize and so maybe you would hear it and come back to him. But his company wouldn’t let him do that, they wouldn’t let him ruin himself. Each time he heard your name his heart throbbed, it hurt him to know that you had probably moved on and that you were somewhere else, happy, while he was here, missing you and unhappy.

He deserved it though, after all he had made you go through. He believed that he was a bad person, he knew it very well. This had opened his eyes and maybe it was exactly what he had needed to see that he actually loved you and he shouldn’t have been this stubborn. His parents had done the right thing by making him marry you and he knew that now, so for him this torture could stop now, but it wasn’t going to end. It had taken him too long, he sooner should have realized what he had, but now he had already lost it. If he could only turn back time, then he would have shown you how much he actually cared for you and how much he loved you. All those times when he had caught you when you fell, all those times when he had saved you from getting hurt, they were because he didn’t want you to get hurt, because he cared about you and worried about you. But he had scolded you each time for being stupid, clumsy, an idiot…He shouldn’t have done that, how must you have felt when he said all of those things to you? Why had he never thought about your feelings?

Joonmyun closed his eyes to block the view of the mirror and looked down just to see his wedding ring stuck around his finger. He had never turned it off, he couldn’t do it. You had never told him that your marriage was over, that you wanted to divorce him, that you were no longer his miss Kim. And as long as he didn’t know that for sure he would never get rid of this ring. He left the bathroom without changing anything about his looks before going to the kitchen and opening the fridge. How well he remembered the times that when he woke up his breakfast would be spread all over the table, the only thing he still had to do was chew it and swallow it. You did it all, but not once did he thank you for it. The only thing he had done was scold you as it had been cold or if there hadn’t been enough salt in it. But now that he had to make his own food he knew how hard it was and he knew how bad he had been to you.

After recalling all the memories of you making him food he closed the fridge again, suddenly he didn’t feel hungry anymore. He turned around and walked into the living room, looking at all the pictures on the wall. He had never had the guts to throw them away, to remove them. It were your wedding picture, to you he had said that they were ugly and didn’t mean anything at all, but you had wanted them to hang against the wall, just because you had liked them. Secretly, he had always liked them, he would always watch them and look at you in that wonderful white dress you had been wearing, how beautiful you had looked that day, with that remarkable smile he had never seen again since that day. Why would he take them down anyway? To leave an empty spot on the wall? There was nothing that could replace them anyway.

But it was time for him to leave now, he had to be at the studio in an hour. Why did he leave this early? Because he still had somewhere else to go before he’d go to work. He was going to your parents, just as he did every once in a while, begging them to tell him where you were. He didn’t expect them to answer him, but if he stopped trying then he’d never know, and he had to know. He kept hoping that one day your mother would tell him and would see how much it killed him to not know where you were, to miss you by his side. Maybe she’d forgive him one day for what he had done and she would see that he had changed. And that was why he never gave up, he had to keep on trying. He left the house with a heavy heart, his hoped not very big to get a different ending of his visit today. By now he knew the way to your parent’s house with his eyes closed, his feet would lead the way.

When he reached your house he felt is if he was reliving every other day he had been here. With a weak sigh he knocked on the door and waited for someone to open it. They probably knew it was him, they knew that he always came before he had to go to work. He stared at the window, seeing your mother appear in front of it to see who it was. He smiled weakly as her when she sighed softly before opening the door, he was already happy that she’d open it in the first place. “Joonmyun-ah, please…” She started but he interrupted her, she had already told him so many times before to give up, but each time he didn’t listen, and he also wasn’t going to listen. “Can’t you please tell me where she is? I swear that I won’t hurt her again, I just want to see her that’s all. I don’t know if she’s safe, or if she’s in love or happy. I just want to know how she is and where she is, please.” He begged and he could see her hesitate, just like she had done for the past few times he was here.

Suddenly she left, letting him stand in front of the open door. He wondered if he had to get inside, but he thought it was the best for everyone of he stayed outside, it wasn’t like she had invited him to come it right? When she came back she had a small paper in her hands, and her face was straight and serious as she handed it to him. “She was in London first but now she lives in Southampton, they gave her a scholarship at a university there. On the paper is her address, she lives there with a few friends. From what I know she hasn’t find someone new yet, she’s still single…Or still married to you. The next plane leaves tomorrow evening, if you get your tickets today you’ll be there the following morning.” He stared at her in awe, he had never thought he would accomplish this. Tears sprung in his eyes as he realized that’s where you have been the whole time, chasing your dreams in London. “Thank you, thank you so much…”