PAST

PRESENT

APRIL 22, 1991, Monday

            12 year old Jessica blankly stared at the raindrops sliding down from her umbrella. Though the rain wasn’t strong, it still got her pretty, white shoes wet and muddy. Throughout the year, she begged her parents to buy her this pair and it was finally given to her on the 18th of April—her birthday. However, she could care less about how precious it was to her now. She was not going to complain and cry over something so childish. The rain had bigger reasons to grieve over today.

            Jessica was raised in the birthplace of her American-Korean father in the Californian grounds of San Francisco. 11 years of her life, English was her main language, but her mother conversed to her often in Korean at home. With the mixed Korean blood aside, she was born and raised in America and it was her home. She could not dream of being anywhere else, but one day, her parents declared they will be going back to Korea. It was brought up so out of the blue that she tried to object to it with every fiber of her being. Korea might be her parent’s home country, but even they have not been back there for a long period of time.

            Jessica knew she just would not belong there. Korea was a country with complex beliefs and rules compared to the Land of the Free. She could not even speak its national language without stuttering or replying with a few English words attached to it. There were also way too many versions of formal speech according to certain classes of people; it hurts her head to keep up. And of all things that had to be invented to pick food up, why two sticks? Her western-borne spirit could not make sense of it all.

            She wanted to go back America. It was her home. It depressed her to think that she may never fly so freely again, but neither could she complain about that anymore. Getting out of the comfort zone is a common road in life and at this point, she has no choice but to accept things as is. Moving to another country out of your will won’t ever be as bad as losing someone you never thought you could lose.

            At 11 years old, coming here to this land confused her and angered her. When she asked her parents for the reason why, anything that came right out of their mouths were equivocal. It made no sense to her that she was kept in the dark, but now she realized that they were only trying to protect her. Among their little family was a beautiful young flower, and it has now wilted away.

            Jessica didn’t want to witness any of it today and slipped out of the gates to breathe. Just why did her parents not tell her earlier? Maybe things would have been better if she knew how early she was going to lose her little sister in this life.

            There she sat on the cemetery bench by the entrance with an umbrella in hand. Her sobs were muffled by the pounding of the soft rain as if the clouds were weeping with her. She never liked crying yet she does cry very often, especially when she’s angry, but only sadness overcame her today. Crying like this made her feel extremely vulnerable and she didn’t want anybody to see her. She didn’t want to be comforted by the adults whom she didn’t even know, but that didn’t mean she wanted to be alone for now she felt lonelier than ever.

            A boy just about her age holding a black umbrella and a blue notebook saw her sitting by herself. From head to toe, he stared at her and watched her grieve without anyone beside her. Just a few moments ago, he saw a young girl whom he barely knew being buried under the gloomy skies of Jeonju. He met the girl once and that was it. His family only attended the funeral because the girl’s parents were his parents’ friends. He was only dragged along. And from morning till noon, he saw only adults weep and cry for the loss. As the cheerful boy that he was, he kind of despised the scene since he didn’t want anyone’s sadness to rub off on him. But for the first time, he saw a child just about his age that appeared to be more downcast than those whom he had seen. She was probably crying for the same loss and it made him sympathetic.

            It wasn’t long before Jessica noticed the boy standing there. She didn’t know him, but she felt his compassion hanging around. Flustered that someone witnessed her crying, she tried to wipe them as fast as she could even though it could not hide how red her face had become from the endless tears.

            “Was she close to your heart—the girl that was buried?” he asked, taking note that Jessica spotted him there.

            Jessica nodded and wiped her tears away even though it pulsed out even harder from the question. The boy was heartbroken at the sight of her. He sat beside her and gently took hold of her hand. Jessica was not fond of this intimacy and at a usual occasion, she would resist it, but she didn’t. She was too tired and heartbroken to even care about what he was doing.     

            “Here,” he said as he opened her hand and let her hold a blue notebook.

            “What’s this?” she asked.

            “If you have letters to send up to her, write it there,” he said as Jessica opened the notebook. It was empty and brand-new. Its papers were made out of recycled paper, tinting its pages relic brown. When she looked up, the boy’s eyes never left the notebook. She could see by the way he timidly pursed his lips that he was still debating whether giving his precious book away was the right thing to do.

            “But this is yours, isn’t it?”

            “No, it’s yours now,” he smiled. He slightly nodded and walked back to the funeral to his parents. Jessica was left baffled but she felt some kind of comfort in his smile. He stopped her from crying in an unusual way and she was thankful for that.

            She opened the notebook once again and run her thumb through the pages. She then noticed that there was something handwritten on the last page at the bottom left.

            Kim TaeYeon’s notebook

APRIL 21, 1998, Tuesday

            It remained quiet in the Jung’s dinner table. Dinner used to be the time of the evening when the two teenage girls’ laughter echoed throughout the house, but conversation hardly worked out these days. Mr. and Mrs. Jung would sometimes try to break the stale air but they could never do it. Anyone could feel the chill of how Tiffany slightly grew apathetic after TaeYeon left and just how much this annoyed Jessica.

            Tiffany stood up from the table silently and headed for her room. It has been the 8th time Tiffany left her dinner unfinished. This irritated Jessica every night, and today, she just could not take it. Frustrated, she stood up from her seat and chased after her best friend. Mr. and Mrs. Jung exchanged glances and silently worried about what could happen.

            “Yah, where are you going?” Jessica angrily pulled Tiffany’s arm and turned her around.

            “Huh?” Tiffany stared at her in confusion.

            “I mean your dinner,” Jessica glared. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself, huh?” Tiffany stayed silent.

            “This has been the eighth day you haven’t finished your dinner or any meal for the past week. What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to kill that baby?”

            Tiffany avoided Jessica’s piercing glare and scorned, “I ate enough. You don’t have to worry about me.”

            “Look, I know you’re depressed because he left. I’m sad too. But can’t you try to live a normal life of a pregnant woman? Can’t you at least try for the life that you’re going to bring to this world? If TaeYeon was here, would he—”

            “That’s easy for you to say,” Tiffany scoffed. “You don’t know how hard it is,” she shouted as her blood-shot eyes gave away. “How am I supposed to live well when he told me the TaeYeon I knew was dead?”

            “Well, he’s not actually dead and—”

            “The one I knew, who knew who I was, who loved me and spent every day with me, is gone and will never come back to me,” Tiffany’s eyes brimmed with tears and her voice wavered, “You don’t know how hard this is for me.”

            “Of course I do, Fany. I—”

            “I lost my mother when I was 16 and my family members are all so distant! And now, I’ve lost Jinwon, too!” Stephanie interrupted, her voice rising in hostility. “You don’t know how hard it is to lose someone you love. You don’t know! You wouldn’t understand!”

            Jessica wanted to shout back, but Stephanie’s words caught her off guard. Stephanie’s words weren’t true. She understood very well hard it was to lose someone she loved. She had to learn that at a young age and it almost keeps her up every other night.

            “I do,” Jessica sighed, turning her head away. She winced, remembering the painful memories coming back to her. “That’s why I’m trying my best here.”

            Stephanie became speechless hearing how soft Jessica’s voice suddenly became. She expected her to at least scold her and argue with her because that’s how she would usually respond. For her to suddenly be gentle in an argument was a rare moment. But then Jessica’s frustration jumped back.           

            “Do you know one of the reasons why we took you in? Our family lost someone precious too, that’s why! And right now, I don’t want to lose you either, but hey, guess what? You probably wouldn’t understand. You only think of yourself,” Jessica backfired. She stormed off of Stephanie’s presence and locked herself in her room, leaving Stephanie guilty.

            Jessica held in tears of anger and fanned herself. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Even through the blackness, she could hear and see echoes from her past. She opened her eyes and stared at a blue notebook that contained inserted pieces of post-it notes lying by her bedside table. She flipped the notebook open and read the one phrase that stood alone in the middle of the front page. The young handwriting brought tears to her eyes. It was written,

            I’m sorry, Krystal.

APRIL 12, 1991, Friday

            “Unnie,” 8 year old Krystal held her sister’s hands and smiled. “You won’t cry right?”

            Jessica’s cold demeanor gave in hearing her little sister’s weak voice. She trembled at the sight of Krystal’s scrawny limbs. She used to be a chubby kid, but now, it’s as if she never ate for a month. Oh how terrifying it was to know how soon her days could end just by staring at her tired eyes.

            “Unnie,” Krystal called out.

            “Mm?” Jessica’s lips quivered. She sniffed her tears back and caressed her sister’s hair. Krystal did not reply back. In a few seconds, Krystal started again.

            “Sica Unnie.”

            “Yeah?” Jessica looked at her with concern. She waited and waited, but Krystal just stared at her. “What?”

            “I want to keep calling you ‘Sica’ Unnie,” she said, referring to a nickname she made up for her sister. The little girl loved calling her “Sica” more than “Jessi.” She always thought of it as quirky and cute while Jessica totally despised it.

            Even though Jessica was the short-heighted, brown-eyed girl with a slight Korean accent, she hated being addressed “Unnie” or “Sica” since it sounded so foreign. In their younger years, Krystal used to call her only by her name, “Jessica” without an “Unnie” after it as it was the American way. But ever since Krystal learned the addresses of respect in Korea, she never stopped calling her older sister “Unnie.” It used to bother Jessica, but recently—just recently—ever since they came to Korea and was told about her little sister’s condition, she accepted Krystal’s quirks to call her whatever she wanted.

            “You can call me ‘Sica’ Unnie all you want,” Jessica smiled as a single tear fell down her face. She quickly wiped it away for Krystal didn’t want to see her cry.

            “Call me ‘SooJung,’ too!”

            The Korean word “수정(soojung)” when translated to English meant “precious jewel” or “crystal.” It was obvious to see that Krystal loved her Korean heritage while Jessica did not. She deemed the place more beautiful and interesting since the beautiful colors of each season were more vivid, unlike San Francisco, unchanging with its high palm trees for the whole year.

            This was why their family moved to Korea. The Jung parents and Krystal herself knew about the sickness that was taking over her body for a long time now. They knew ever since she turned 6. This was kept from Jessica, however, by Krystal’s simple wishes. Krystal wished for Jessica to treat her same—that is, being the cold and sassy, somewhat valley-girl, older sister that she was. Krystal didn’t want to be spoiled only for the reason that she could die any day. She still wanted to live a normal life and her parents respected that. Now, her illness had gotten worse, up to the point that doctors kept saying there was no hope. Krystal then wished to go visit the country she so wanted to see ever since she was born. She knew she wanted to spend her last days there.

            In her simple, 8 year old bucket list, many things have been granted and one lay uncrossed. She already experienced having a pet hamster when she was 6 only to find that she didn’t want any more after it died. She already sang a solo last Christmas in her local church and peopled adored and loved her for that. She already rode a plane and saw the lands of clouds just a few feet from her. She already walked on the grounds of Incheon, to Seoul, and to Jeonju where she now resides. She already saw the snow fall from the sky and has flopped herself on it. She was a girl who got to accomplish most of her wishes, and the only wish she had not finished was to get closer to her sister.

            “Sica Unnie, I have a gift waiting for you at home,” Krystal said with a jubilant smile on her face. “Make sure to open it at exactly your birthday, okay? I spent lots of time making it.”

            “I will,” Jessica smiled. “Thank you Krystal.”

            “I’m tired, Unnie,” the younger pouted. “Can you sing me to sleep?”

            “Huh?” Jessica’s eyebrows jolted up. For her, singing was something she wasn’t into. And though she had a great voice and was starting to have an interest in music, she never sang in front of anyone. The stage was not for her.

            Krystal, on the other hand, had high hopes of becoming a singer one day. Though young, she was a bit ambitious. She loved to sing. She wanted her voice to be recognized by people someday. That dream won’t ever come now. But even though her life was ending, she never showed any bit of sadness to anyone. She only had a smile on, even when she knew her days were narrowly numbered. She accepted everything as is and didn’t complain.

            Krystal closed her eyes and smiled. One eye took a peek as she waited for her sister to do as she requested. Jessica was left with no choice. She tucked her younger sister in sighed. Softly, she sang,

(Because of Me – Krystal)

“I love you, although you're not beside me right now. Because you’re here with me, my world is filled with happiness.  Don’t ever forget, wherever you are. Please remember, my love.

I love you. You, I love you. Because of you, I’m like this. Because of you I cry these tears.
Though I may never see you again, I’ll be alright

Because I love you…”

APRIL 18, 1991, Thursday

            “Are you happy?” Krystal asked her older sister, her voice lower and hoarser than before. Time went by too fast, Jessica thought. She was just smiling a week ago and could even sit up, but now, she could barely breathe even with the hospital’s equipment.

            “No,” Jessica shook her head. “I feel bad, Krystal.”

            “Please smile,” Krystal said gripping her sister’s hands tightly with every bit of strength that she had. “It’s your 12th birthday today.”

            “How can I?” Jessica wept. “You’re lying here like this…”

            “I’m happy.” Krystal simply said and smiled. Jessica paused, staring at her sister in awe. Even when she was dying, how can she still smile so brightly?

            “Unnie,” Krystal met her eyes. “Do you remember your birthdays?”

            Jessica was confused for a moment but tried to recall her birthdays anyway. She always had birthday parties that were well planned and all of her friends were invited. She would be treated like a princess every single time. But why did Krystal want her to remember this when her birthday today was not even properly celebrated?

            In her little sister’s wavering eyes, everything clicked. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out and started sobbing a waterfall. “I always shoved you away, didn’t I? How cruel was I? Oh, I’m so sorry, Krystal. I’m sorry. And it probably wasn’t just on my birthday parties. I was never there for you and I barely cared about you. I only thought of myself. I’m so sorry…”

            “Don’t be,” Krystal weakly replied. “Be thankful I got sick.”

            “Why would I be? I’m losing you!”

            “My sickness brought me to you… and you to me.”

            What Krystal said was right. If Krystal did not turn gravely sick as this, Jessica wouldn’t have made time for her little sister—to be by her bedside every day just talking about the most random topic that could occupy their time.

            Krystal looked up greatly to her big sister and often would want her attention when Jessica would give none. Despite the apathy she had given to her little sister, Krystal deeply loved her. It struck Jessica that Krystal was more than any friend she could ask for. A sibling is a family forever. Now she was about to lose one—her only one.

            “Sica Un…nie,” Krystal called out as her eyes slowly drooped away.

            “Mm?” Jessica looked up.

           Krystal faintly smiled. She didn’t have enough energy to move her muscles, but still she tried. “사... 랑해… 요… Sica Unnie,”

            “I love you too, Krystal,” Jessica replied back as her tears dropped down Krystal’s palms.

            “Happy… birthday… 울지마, 제발 (don’t cry, please),” Krystal said as tears started to form on her own, sunken eyes. Watching her sister cry was the most heartbreaking thing for her to see.

            “I won’t,” Jessica nodded as she wiped her tears away. She tried to smile, but her lips still trembled. Crying was never an easy thing to stop for her.

            Krystal’s palm opened slightly as she motioned to point to what’s in it. Jessica, in confusion, looked at it and pried her weak hand open. Inside it was a crumpled pink post-it-note. Jessica took it out and read silently,

500

시카 언니
울지마…
 제발

(Sica Unnie, don't cry... please)

            A single tear fell from Krystal’s eyes as she closed it gently, feeling it get heavier to open. Jessica gripped her hand tighter, not wanting to let go of her. A second, a minute, an hour, or a day could pass by. It could be any time now. Through the blaring silence, Jessica prayed in agony to let her sister last for just a little bit longer so that they could strengthen each other in such a cruel world.

            But then, the heartbeat monitor suddenly alarmed a steady beep.

Jessica knew that was it.

APRIL 22, 1998, Wednesday

            “Jessica?” Tiffany knocked on her best friend’s door. Although she felt guilty being called selfish last night, she wanted to confront Jessica as soon as possible to resolve their argument. She didn’t want to have ill-feelings towards her for too long and wanted to apologize.

            “Jessica, can I come in?” Tiffany knocked even louder. “I’m sorry about last night… Can we talk it out?”

            The door suddenly opened, revealing a blood-shot eyed Jessica. She had been crying all night. Seeing her like this was like a once in a lifetime event and she didn’t know what reaction she should give. Good for her, she didn’t have to have any. Jessica hugged her before she could even do or say anything.

            “It’s like I’ve lost you for so long,” Jessica hugged her tightly. “Let’s never blow up at each other again.”

            Tiffany’s eyelids blinked rapidly as Jessica withdrew from her hug. She could not process what just happened.

            Jessica sat on her bed and Tiffany did the same. They both sat in silence for a while. When both were ready to talk, Tiffany started.

            “I’m sorry for last night. I know you’re just caring for me but I’m just so stubborn and dumb these days.”

            “You don’t have to say sorry to me. Say that to your child,” Jessica said, softly laying her hand on Tiffany’s stomach. Of all the people actually looking forward to the new life, it was Jessica. She didn’t know anything about babies and neither was she good at handling them, but she looked forward to the possible joy. She was dead tired of losing so many people. She could use having someone new to share the cup of love she’s got left in her life.

            Jessica suddenly felt something move. “Oh, what was that?! Did you feel that?” Tiffany became startled when Jessica jerked her hand away. Tiffany focused her own attention on her own belly and felt it move as well. The baby was starting to kick! For a second, it excited her, but she was again reminded of the man she’s been trying so hard to forget. A rush of emotions tried to greet her but she chose to be strong today. She held in her tears and sighed. Her eyes quickly roamed around to look for something to distract herself. Yet again, everything that she saw reminded her of TaeYeon even though she was in Jessica’s room.

          “That blue notebook,” Tiffany pointed. “It looks like the one you gave to TaeYeon on his birthday.”

            “Oh… yeah,” Jessica nodded, passing the notebook to Tiffany. “This notebook was actually his. He gave it to me on the first time we came across each other.” She opened it to the end of the book, revealing the print that was written “Kim TaeYeon’s notebook”

            “Was this part of your love story with him?” Tiffany chuckled. “He did remember you pretty quickly.

            “Well, our time wasn’t actually a love story. As we used to say, it was a childish relationship and it was only for a little while. We didn’t really know what exactly we were doing ‘cause we were only twelve. He gave this notebook to me on our first encounter as I said.”

            “What’s with all these post-it-notes, though?” Tiffany asked, taking out one post-it-note. “It looks like there are about a hundred in here.”

            “DON’T… take it out,” Jessica quickly confiscated the note from Tiffany’s hands and placed it back to where it belonged. Tiffany was still able to read a few of them though. Each had quirky and encouraging little phrases written on it. Tiffany couldn’t help but smile. But then she saw the writing on the first page written, “I’m sorry, Krystal.”

            “Who’s Krystal?” Tiffany asked carelessly, her eyes filled with so much curiosity. Jessica was her best friend, yet she never did mention anything to her about a “Krystal.” She knew this Krystal was someone close to her heart the moment Jessica blanked out, showing the scar of loss in her eyes.

            “She’s… she’s my sister.”

            Tiffany’s eyes widened. She always thought Jessica was an only daughter. It made sense if she did think about it, though. She hasn’t seen a single family picture of the Jungs posted on any wall of their house. She found it kind of odd since the Jung family had a very strong bond.

            “Are these post-it-notes from her?” Tiffany asked. “From your sister?”

            “Yes… they are.”

APRIL 19, 1991, Friday

            Jessica hugged her legs and buried her head in them, trying to muffle her cries. She had been crying so much in her own room after waking up and it was only 10 am in the morning. Mornings usually go with Krystal patting her lightly, interrupting her beauty sleep. She used to be so annoyed by it, but now she missed it. She never thought she would’ve missed the kid and her fresh, innocent presence wanting to play with her so early in the morning. Now all she had was a crumpled note in hand, telling her not to cry.

            “Jessica,” Mrs. Jung carefully opened her door and came in carrying a big, white box. She sat on her daughter’s bed and sighed, caressing her short, banged, brown hair and pulled her into a hug. For a minute, they cried together. Then the mother said,

            “I found this box in Krystal’s room… it’s for you.”

            “What’s in it?” Jessica asked.

            “You’ll have to see for yourself,” her mother said. She patted her daughter’s head and got up. She compassionately smiled and left the room.

            Jessica wasted no time in trying to find out what was in this box. When the lid was lifted up, the box revealed a neatly arranged stack of post-it-notes in different kinds of colors. Each note had a number on the upper left corner of the note and on the center, written different kinds of phrases, all well hand written by her 8 year old sister, Krystal.

1
사랑해요, 시카 언니 <3

2
Secrets will be revealed someday. Just hang in there.

3
I’m really hungry. Eat a lot today, okay?

4
I wonder what is like to eat in diferent places in a month… mmmm

28
You have an amazing voice… Don’t ever forget that!

188
You’re 10? Wow! I wonder how you look like if you were 20... wow, you must be sooo pretty!

342
Why can’t doctors look less creepy?

But above all 499 notes was a folded letter. It wasn’t long and neither