JUNE 5, 1998, Thursday

            Handprints and footprints—once in a while they rise and fall on random corners of Tiffany’s belly. It was an unusual thing to see and it felt like someone was punching her from the inside. Mothers would usually take much pride and joy over the fact that they have come as far as seven months nursing the new life, but she could not share the same feeling. She felt like there was a monster living inside her that drove her physically and emotionally askew, but she couldn’t really call it a “monster” since everyone around her would shake their heads in disapproval. This was a blessing, they say, and truly, it was, but to her, it was a curse, too.

            Still in denial and grief, focusing on the welfare of the baby was something she hasn’t been good at. Life gets heavier day by day the more she buries her tears under the smiling mask she has created. She thought being away from the land of her tragic teenage love-story would expel her of things that used to haunt her, but how would that be possible? Those memories didn’t just stay at one place. It scarred her whole body, heart, and soul, and it will stay wherever she goes. She did not want anyone to see just how deep these cuts have been, so she hid them in any way she can. But oh, how careless she has become to hide those wounds without sealing them first.

            No one can ever seal these scars anyway, Tiffany thought. They were so deep not even family could help her. Her family consists of broken people just like her. If fact, the unspoken discord among her family was caused by her mother’s death. Her distraught father had a hard time getting by taking care of her and her brother Leo, so they were sent to the care of trustworthy people. At first, Tiffany thought it was utterly foolish to separate at such a devastating time, but she couldn’t do anything about the decisions that were made. But she was thankful that she was able to continue with a normal teenage life under the roof of the Jungs, at least for a few years.

            On the first few weeks of being separated from her best friend who cared about her so much, she’d wonder why she even agreed to live here in Yuchiri. What would it have been like staying under Jessica’s roof? There was no one else who truly understood her situation but her best friend. Both of them could’ve strengthened each other. If she stayed there a little longer, maybe, just maybe, she would be able to go back to her normal stance and feel normal again.

            As she tried getting past that thought, she noticed that there was one family member that truly felt like home to her after all. It was Sunny, her cousin. She grew up with her for a few seasons back in the States when they were only children and they were almost inseparable. They were like twins who knew each other back to back. Hurting one would also hurt the other. So to hear how much family complications Stephanie had stumbled to, Sunny and her family wanted to help her in some way. She didn’t want Stephanie to lose touch of what a family should be—a family that never gives up on one another. So now that Sunny has taken the role of accompanying her in any situation,  Tiffany had at least a small but growing sense of hope that the days will gradually get brighter.

            Whenever Tiffany could not do any tasks because of her depression, Sunny would be there by her side trying to help her and cheer her up. She was the busiest girl of her age around the community, yet all of her free time consisted of nothing but spending it with Stephanie. It was still a mystery to her how Sunny was able to balance her time. Sunny had numerous jobs around town like feeding cows, cleaning out dung, catching a few chickens, and gathering eggs. She also had jobs harvesting crops, taking out weeds, and picking out different kinds of fruits. She even babysits the folks’ children and tutors some of them. And still after all that, Sunny often took her to walks around town with Prince the dog, treated her with the love of family that she had lost touch in the past few years, and also personally checked the baby herself with the folks’ pregnancy and ultrasound equipment. Sunny was one of the most inspiring people she has ever met. “If she had a past life, she would probably be superwoman,” Tiffany always thought.

            “She can basically run the whole place. I would totally vote for Mayor Soonkyu,” Tiffany would joke to most of the folks by calling Sunny her birth name (which Sunny really isn’t fond of). She was indeed, after all, the deceased mayor’s grand-daughter. It was no doubt that she came from the upright, hardworking Lees. Rumor even has it that their family line dates back to a successful king in the Joseon period—maybe King Jeongjo or even an older line, Sejong the Great. With that said, Sunny really does act like a superior who’s more than able to lower her status for anyone in need. Whenever and wherever she was needed, Sunny would come rushing over without question, and she would always do a job well done.

            There was also Hyuna, Sunny’s sister. Like Sunny, she was fierce and strong physically and mentally. The only clear difference between them was that she was more vocal about things that displease her unlike her soft-spoken and laid-back sister. She was three years younger than Stephanie and Sunny, and she was infamous for being blunt and immature. But as the teenage philosopher that she kind of was, the elders deemed her very wise compared to the other kids her age. Tiffany cannot even begin to count how many times this teenager insulted her on something (or on everything) for her good. She was good at pointing out what was bad, but she was also good at showing the right way. It was slightly irritating to be nagged by someone younger than her, but she tried her hardest not to resist them. To her, Hyuna was that buzzing conscience sitting right on her shoulder; she took every scolding at heart.

            When Sunny and Hyuna are not available, there’s Sunhwa, a girl a year younger than Tiffany who quit school and is now homeschooling since she can’t seem to catch up to the normal school system’s standards. She lives at the neighboring house of the Lee’s old hanok house. She’s the closest teenager around that Tiffany could come to. Since Sunhwa can’t really do basic math and on other subjects well, the least Tiffany can do was to tutor Sunhwa in whatever she found hard to do.

            There was also the Kim family (unrelated to Jinwon), a family of exceptionally good cooks with exploding senses of humor. There were a lot of members in this family but only three who were very close to the Lees. The trios were Taewoo, Shinyoung, and JaeJoong. Taewoo, age 27, was a man known for his bear like strength and stature. He usually wears a cap, glasses, and soldier cargo pants along with his masculine stubble he dared to never shave or grow out. There was Shinyoung, age 24, a woman craziest in comedy lines out of the three, with a height a little too small for a normal adult. Then there was Jaejoong, age 22, the super handsome and talented, adopted kid of the Kim family.  Since the three visit often, Tiffany was very fond of them, especially Jaejun who has become like her older brother. He’d sing to her and write songs with her whenever he’s free and cooks healthy meals that she likes whenever she loses her appetite.

            Tiffany likes being surrounded by people. It keeps her mind steady and distracted from falling onto the edges of depression’s cliffs. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as they keep her busy in doing something. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as they have no knowledge of TaeYeon.

            However, it was still hard to avoid getting to the topic of the baby’s father. She had to create a consistent lie of what had happened, for every time someone new strikes a conversation with her, the same question’s echoed. “Who’s the father?” “How did he die?” It was hopelessly unavoidable. Seven months pregnant was hardly something that she could hide now. How much more will they buzz these questions to her ear once the baby comes out? She dared not think about it for now.

            “There’s so many things I want to do with you,” TaeYeon said.

            “Like what?”

            “When the baby is born, I want to… hmm… something like take walks around parks with our child like a family. When it grows a little older, I want to take it to school myself… teach it to play guitar. Just some things like that,” TaeYeon awkwardly said and laughed. He never really thought about those kinds of things until now. A family was far from his teenage mind until this happened. Now he’s just racking his brain for a way to look on the brighter side of things.

            “You seem so excited,” Tiffany blushed. “I haven’t even thought about that part yet.”

            “C’mon, tell me. Just think of at least one—with me and the baby. What would you like to do in the future as a family? Tell me your wish.”

            “My wish?” Tiffany thought as she traced her finger on the visible moving hand under her skin. She heaved a sigh and rolled down her shirt to cover her belly.

            She’s been thinking of putting her baby on adoption since she doubt she’ll ever do well as a mother. She was never an expert at handling children. She remembered babysitting a child once back in America with Jessica and it was basically too awkward and chaotic for her to handle. One time, she even spoke to a child formally. So what chaos would erupt if she tried taking care of one? Putting this baby on somebody else’s hands seemed like the wise thing to do. Some other family could be blessed through this child.

            But really, those were just excuses. Deep inside her she knew every girl had an inner maternal instinct. But raising a child without its father—without TaeYeon, who was still alive? No, that’s just too difficult. And how will she deal with the child’s curiosity over its father’s death? What was she to say? It was just too burdensome.

            Giving up her baby for adoption was a strong and serious matter. Hyuna constantly objected to it and would shake her head in disappointment every time the topic was brought up. Sunny, on the other hand, chose to support Tiffany in whatever decision she would make. Though she herself didn’t believe that adoption was the best way to go, she made sure the baby’s future family will be someone she could trust well. As the mayor’s grand-daughter, the folks around the area respected her decision well. But at most, only two families which were close friends of the Lees volunteered themselves as potential adopters of the baby. But since nothing was official yet, Sunny wouldn’t make any rash agreements. The battle inside Tiffany had to be settled first.

            Feeling as if she stayed inside the house today for too long, Tiffany got up from her bed and stepped out for some fresh air. Looking upon the horizons, there was the setting sun seeping through the puffy clouds, painting the skies a vivid red-orange and yellow. The starting summer wind brushed against her skin, refreshing her soul from worries. Nothing could be better than this, she thought. The countryside was totally a nice place to clear her mind off things.

            The gate squeaked open, making way to Sunny who had work evidently trickling down her skin. On one hand, two small chickens hung helplessly, making Stephanie chuckle. Sunny always has a handful of something at the end of the day.

            “What’s with the chickens?” Tiffany asked. She picked up Prince on her arms and approached Sunny near the chicken coop. She’d rather not get too close for she didn’t really like the cow stable’s stench near it. It makes her want to vomit sometimes especially since she’s pregnant.

            “Oh this? It’s dinner,” Sunny said “Chief Noh told me I could bring some home to roast. These babies’ sacrifice will be a feast tonight.”

            “What!? Sacrifice?” Tiffany’s mouth dropped. “Wait, do you mean you’re the one who’s going to kill the chickens yourself? Why didn’t you just buy frozen chicken or something?”

            “Yah! The next convenience store is like a mile away from here and I’m dead tired,” Sunny laughed and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. “I’m surprised you’re still not used to life here. Besides, don’t freak out so much. Tae-woo and Shinyoung’s coming over to kill and roast it. Y’ know I’m not one to kill the animals myself.”

            “Oh… phew,” Tiffany huffed. “I thought you were going to kill it yourself. That shocked me a little bit.”

            Sunny just rolled her eyes and chuckled. She then went closer to her cousin and caressed Prince’s head. The sleepy puppy didn’t stir much and continued sleeping on Tiffany’s arms.

            “Since it’s Hyuna’s birthday tomorrow, of course there’s a bit of a celebration. Oh, and I heard Pap said something about guests—that’s why they want to prepare a good meal.”

            “Guests? Does it always have to be in this hanok house?” Tiffany pouted.

            “Well, this is the largest hanok house around the village. This is usually a house great for close-friends gathering.”

            “Oh… any idea who the guests might be?”

            “I’m not sure. I didn’t really ask. They did say some young new guy was going to stay here with us.”

            “Guy? What—like live with us?”

            “Yeah, I guess.”

            “Are you sure it’s a guy? I’m really not into the idea of having a new guy to ‘live’ with us. I’m not into having guy company at all.”

            “It kinda worried me too at first but he’s probably not troublesome. Pap wouldn’t let ’em live with us if he’s any-who a loser or some jerk, especially with you here.”

            “I guess… but still…” Tiffany sighed.

            As they sat by the house’s porch letting their legs dangle on the edges, Sunny asked, “So, what happened to you today?”

            “It’s surprisingly very laid back today.”

            “Wow, no sulking over the past?” Sunny said.

            “I did for a little while,” Tiffany chuckled. “But my brain is in no mood to grieve today. It’s a nice day.”

            “Yeah, talk about nice day,” Sunny snickered. “Shinyoung talked about setting up a new restaurant business all day with her family. I wonder how that’ll go. You know how well they cook... Man, it’s totally gonna be a feast tonight.”

            “I know,” Tiffany’s mouth watered at the thought of the Kims’ cooking. “I mean have you tasted Jaejoong-Oppa’s Jajjangmyun from scratch? He made a whole huge plate for me last week and I totally finished it in less than ten minutes or so. Maybe it was the baby wanting to eat, but I have to admit, that was really good.”

            “Wow, seriously? Is that why you threw up so much in that one morning last week?”

            “Um...,” Tiffany’s cheek flushed pink and she awkwardly chuckled, “Haha… Yeah.”

            After a full conversation of how good the Kim family cooked, Sunny stood up and said, “Want to go for a walk?”

            “Aren’t you tired? You worked all day,” Tiffany said.

            “Well you need to move around,” Sunny said. “That baby won’t exercise for you.”

            “Alright, alright,” Tiffany laughed. She stood up and held Sunny’s hand. Together, they went out of the house and walked around the village. It was their usual routine, and even then Tiffany couldn’t grasp how Sunny had always been so thoughtful of her.

            “Why do care so much about me?” Tiffany asked which Sunny just shrugged to.

            “I’ve already told you, didn’t I? You’re my family,” Sunny said. “And I don’t want you to hurt so much. It upsets me when you’re sad because you are the prettiest girl I know when you smile. So my goal is to turn you prettier every day. “

            “Whatever,” Tiffany ignored her cheesy words by playfully hitting her. “But c’mon, is there some other reason why you care about me so much? I mean I guess I can just go with the fact that you love me and all because I’m your cousin and we were like twins in the past, but now I have all these problems… do you really just have a heart of gold or is there some other reason?”

            “I don’t know,” Sunny chuckled. “Okay, maybe it’s because I owe it to you… or I can kind of relate to your situation.”

            “What does that mean?” Tiffany asked but Sunny just shrugged and didn’t answer—as if she didn’t take it seriously. However, deep inside her, she was thinking of the right answer. She just didn’t think today was the right time.

***

As the two girls arrived back home, Shin-young and Tae-woo entered the house like it was theirs and greeted them. Without wasting any time, Shin-young and Tae-woo went straight to cooking business. While the two prepared the pots and chicken, Tiffany and Sunny helped by chopping up some ingredients. They didn’t want to just sit idly by waiting for the guests to arrive.

            “Hey kids, why don’t you invite Sunhwa and her family over?” said Shinyoung as she and Tae-woo were finishing up with the main dishes. Sunny and Tiffany gladly agreed and went out of the house.

            “Man, it already smells so delicious,” Sunny said as they closed the front gate. “I wonder when we’ll be able to eat that.”

            “I’m assuming soon since the sun’s already down. It’s gonna be dinner time finally!” Tiffany chuckled. “I wonder when the guests will come…”

            “Oh-!” Sunny nudged Tiffany. “Speaking of the guests, I think they’re here.” She pointed to the dirt road where a car parked. She walked past her cousin to welcome the guests. Tiffany just followed behind.

            “Sunny-Unnie!” a 17 year old girl popped of out of the car’s backseat. She immediately hugged Sunny.

            “Oh, so you’re the guests! Wow, I was so tensed up all day wondering who it was going to be,” Sunny laughed. “Nice to have you back, Hara!”

            “Yeah, it’s good to be back!” Hara gave Sunny one last squeeze and withdrew from it. Hara’s turned to Tiffany and she was drawn to her stomach instantly, assuming she was the girl whom her family has mentioned.

            “You must be Mi-young Unnie,” she smiled widely and bowed awkwardly. Tiffany also bowed awkwardly as she was not very familiar with her Korean name.

            “Please, call me Tiffany. I’m not very used to my Korean name.”

            “She’s my cousin,” Sunny said. “Just comfortably call her ‘Fany