I’m Cho Kyuhyun, top student and class president. Though these two facts seem to make me a good person, I’m actually evil and unsociable. I like to play games or study instead of hanging out with friends. And when I do hang out with them, I mostly tease or shoot sharp comments at them. That’s part of the reason why I don’t really have any friends, at least not at my current school. It’s not like I’m all bad though. I love to sing and I’m quite intelligent. Hardly anyone knows about that though. Everyone thinks I’m so good at school because all I do is study and the last time I raised my voice to sing was when the music teacher wanted our class to sing as a choir. The only person that could have heard my voice back then was the one standing next to me. And he never uttered a word about me being good at singing. So all I did at school was learning, even in between the lessons. Or so I thought I would. But let me show you what I mean by telling you about the first day of my final year.

I arrive early at school, having almost a free choice about my seat. I like the side facing the window, because it’s always bright, and notice the seat in the last row. To have a good look over the class was never wrong, so I quickly make it my new home. One after one my classmates enter the room and greet me as they should do with the class president. I just nod in return, in most cases not even looking up to see who it is. There is just one person I’m looking forward to see again and I will most definitely not show him I do. To my fortune it doesn’t even come as far as that, because he arrives with the teacher and therefore can’t make the effort to greet me. It always hurts my heart when I can’t show him how I feel, but there is no other way. Society doesn’t want it and he probably doesn’t either. So I pretend as if there is nothing wrong with me until I can create my own way to make him mine. For now, there doesn’t seem to be any hope though.

The lesson starts and I steal a quick glance of the boy, who regularly appears in my dreams. As soon as I see his side-profile, a longing starts to creep up inside of me and I avert my eyes. I’ve missed him so much and I’m happy to see him again, but the look of his brown hair draping itself so perfectly around his face and this beautiful sharp jawline creating a wonderful contrast to his otherwise smooth skin makes me tremble. To me, Ryeowook is like a second sun. His smile is so bright and cheerful that it makes me feel like I can do anything no matter the circumstances. He is just so utterly gorgeous. Too gorgeous for me to take. So I can only look at my notebook and write down all the compliments I want to say to him, but probably never can. That may sound sad, but I can relinquish my feelings in these words and continue to live next to Ryeowook as a mere acquaintance. Maybe it’s the only way for me to survive.

That’s what I’m doing most of the time by now. Writing down what I want to tell Ryeowook. Sometimes the words repeat itself, but I never fail to find something new about him. Studying eclipses itself at those times, but fortunately my grades never dropped up to now. I am intelligent after all.

When break comes, I stop writing and just skim through my notebook so I can concentrate on Ryeowook’s talk with Sungmin. I’m glad most of our classmates are somewhere else so I can clearly hear their words. Most things they are talking about don’t really interest me, but I try to absorb every little information I can get about Ryeowook. Besides, I just like to hear his voice. It’s almost as bright as his smile when he talks and when he sings, everything around him seems to sparkle. He’s both the sun and moon at those times, giving me a feeling of security. I’m happy to be able to hear him sing almost every day. When he practices in the music room, I sit down outside under one of the windows with my notebook in hand and ears perked up. Even through the closed windows his voice resounds clear and loud. He sure has confidence in his singing and to be honest, I’m kind of proud. If I’d have to say who my musical role model is, it would be him, without a doubt. So today as well, after school ends, do I go towards my sacred placed under the window of the music room. I take a quick glance inside before I settle down. It makes me mad to see him with just Yesung, but there is no way I can complain about it. I do make a jealous face though, because I can be sure no-one will see me. In all this one and a half year I’m already doing this, not one person ever found his or her way into this tiny part of the forest the room is facing. And I’m more than happy about that. This way I can listen to Ryeowook and write things for him with all my heart and no-one will ever get to know about it.

Finally I can hear the piano and soon after the familiar voice I love so much. My eyes close almost automatically in satisfaction and a smile makes its way towards the surface. I stay like this for a while and relinquish in the beautiful harmony before I open my eyes again and start to write.

Your voice is even more amazing than I can remember. It’s like the world can only shine when your voice can unfold itself in it which it does with every note you sing. I only realize now how much I missed to hear it and how much I missed you. When can I finally be together with you? When can I finally sing with you? Why d-

My hand suddenly stops and so does my heart for a short moment. It shouldn’t have surprised me so much to hear Yesung’s voice, but I was so lost in my thoughts and Ryeowook’s music that his dark voice came down like a thunderbolt. My mind is spinning and it doesn’t get any better as Yesung starts to sing the song Ryeowook sang just a moment ago. It breaks my heart a bit to know that Ryeowook composed this only for Yesung, but there is nothing I can do about it. So I just try to ignore his voice and concentrate on the sound of the piano which is undoubtedly played by Ryeowook. I go on like this until the music fades away completely and I can make my way home. I will meet Ryeowook again in my dreams, I know that, but at least my computer games can give me a little timeout of this beautiful yet hurtful love.

Hopefully you now know what I meant. My life nowadays is fixated on Ryeowook rather than studying and I sure didn’t want that at first. But love is ruthless and so is society. Me being in love with a guy is a serious problem, yet I can’t change what I feel. I desire Ryeowook.