My name is Ryeowook. Kim Ryeowook, but my friends call me Wookie. I am a high school student and about average at everything besides music and sports. I at sports, but I could not live without music. My best skills are playing the piano and singing which I do almost every day. A lot of people praise me for being so blessed, but in the end I just do it because music makes me happy. I want to be a singer and song writer in the future and make my money with this happiness. That is why I am currently working hard to end my last year with perfect grades even though it had just begun. All in all my life seems quite normal. But I would lie to say I am a normal student. Not because of my passion for music, that is quite normal for someone who was raised with it, but because of something else. Something that is considered abnormal by society. But let me show you a snippet of my life so you can understand what I mean.

It’s the first day of my final year at school. The warm spring air fills my lungs as I walk down the road towards the school gates. I see my best friend already waiting for me and I start to run, eager to finally see him again. Sungmin, or Minnie, is my friend since elementary school and the one I can be sure to trust. He was on a vacation in Japan with his family so I were not able to meet up with him in between the semesters. Though I had music to fill my time with, it just wasn’t the same without him.

As I reach the gates, Sungmin welcomes me with a bright smile and open arms. I easily fall into his embrace and hug him tight, whispering a low ‘I missed you’ into his ear. This is the thing about me and him. We both tend to act girly at times like these and don’t hesitate to show our affection. That’s one of the reasons for our deep friendship and so Sungmin does the same to me until another person interrupts us.

“Are you going to stay like this forever or do I get a hug as well?”, Yesung says and pouts adorably. He is the schools best singer and therefore someone I love to spend time with in the music room. Although he is in a different class then me and Sungmin, I came to befriend him pretty fast and started to compose songs for him. It took longer for Sungmin to get along with him and they still are awkward at times, but as soon as we start to sing and play our instruments the both of them create a beautiful harmony.

Sungmin and me back away from each other and I reach for Yesung. He changes his pout into a smile and gladly accepts the hug.

“Sorry hyung. Of course I missed you as well”, I say and back away so he and Sungmin can greet each other. Sungmin starts to go for a hug just as Yesung reaches his hand out. Both back away slowly and settle for a high-five instead. I cannot help but giggle at that scene and earn two death glares for that. They haven’t changed at all, it seems.

“Hyung, do you have time after school? I’d like to show you some songs I’ve composed.” Yesung nods at my question.

“Sure. I always have time for your compositions.” He smiles softly.

“Great! How about you, Minnie? Do you have time?”

“I’m sorry, Wookie. My brother has his opening ceremony today and my parents want to go out and eat with us after school as a celebration.” I pout a bit and Sungmin gives me an apologetic look before I return to smile again.

“Can’t do anything about that. Give your little bro my greetings then and we’ll see if I can show you the songs tomorrow.” Sungmin nods and Yesung reminds us of the time. We hurriedly go to our classroom and sit down on the last two seats that are available. Mine is in the very back, exactly in the middle. Not my favourite choice, but acceptable. Sungmin sits in front of me and at my sides are a boy named Eunhyuk, he’s on the left, and a girl named Victoria, on the right. Next to her is her friend Sulli and next to Eunhyuk sits our class prez, Kyuhyun. Although Kyuhyun is always the best in our class, I first really noticed him after I heard him sing. He has a sweet and lovely voice that mesmerizes me whenever I get to hear it. Sadly, I never had the courage to ask him if he liked to sing a song of mine. He’s not only kind of a nerd, but rude as well. Both things I couldn’t quite handle so I tried to stay away from him. Somehow though my thoughts always travelled back to him and his beautiful voice and I couldn’t get rid of the idea to get closer to him. As time went by my interest started to increase and I realized that he’s more of a genius than just a nerd and a good-looking one on top of that. I don’t know when it started, but at one point my interest seemed to change a little. I no longer just followed his activities, but I studied his every move. How his hand moves when he turns a page in a book. How his eyes  gaze at the blackboard. How his lips create the answers to the questions of our teachers. I didn’t know what all this meant until Sungmin had brought me to a group blind date and I realized that I totally didn’t care what the girls thought of me. All I thought about was if Kyuhyun would like me and if there was a chance for us to get closer. I still think so and I still like to watch his every move. Though I am very careful not to look too much so no-one gets to know about this. I haven’t even told Sungmin and for now I intend to let it stay like this. I’ll just look for a way myself. But now I have to concentrate on the lessons.

Every now and then my gaze would move to the left and land on him. It rests there for a second until I scold myself for being too distracted and turn back to look at the teacher. Today this happens exceptionally often much to my distaste, yet I can’t help but look at the person I probably missed the most over the holidays. When lunch break comes, Sungmin turns around to eat and talk with me. Kyuhyun just stays at his place and eats his lunch box alone while reviewing the previous lesson. Instead of glancing at him, I now try to talk about things he might be interested in. Sungmin always wonders why I prefer to talk about school and video games when I am way more interested in cooking so we mostly end up talking about music instead. I’m not sure if Kyuhyun actually likes music the way I do, but with his singing skills there needs to be some interest at least. And though I never see him react to our discussions from the side of my eyes, I know he must be listening. His seat is so near to mine and most of our class leaves the room to eat outside in the sun or with friends from a different class. The room is rather quiet so it is impossible to not overhear us. Yet all he does is flip the pages of his notebook. I wonder what he writes in there. Maybe I should ask him for his notebook the next time I’m sick and can’t come to school. I had that thought before, but never managed to sum up enough courage to ask him. It would be weird if I didn’t rely on Sungmin in that matter as well so this probably wasn’t even too good of an idea. So I just stop thinking about it and continue my talk with my best friend until the next lesson starts. Then my gaze wanders back to him like before. Resting for a short time, sometimes a bit longer since hardly anyone can see me in the last row, until my mind tells me to stop. When the clock finally signalises the end of the day, I quickly pack my things, bid farewell to Sungmin and head out. I can’t be in Kyuhyun’s presence any longer or I’ll do something I probably regret so I’m happy to have Yesung, who can distract me for a while until our practice is over and my thoughts wander back to the man of my interest. Nowadays I seem to think more about him than about music. He even starts to appear in my dreams at times and the feeling of wanting to be close to him grows bigger and bigger.

I think you now get what I’m trying to say. I want a man next to me rather than a women. That’s definitely not normal and unacceptable for society, but I can’t help myself. The feeling grows stronger with every passing day I can’t have him by my side. And even though I can accept the fact that I’m different, the probability of him being different too is rather small if not inexistent . This is the problem I’m facing right now. I can’t have him but... I desire Cho Kyuhyun.