For some odd reason, I was in such a terribly good mood that I didn’t even cringe when I felt the firm hand slap my and startle me as I stood in front of the club, waiting for MinJun to open the place up.

   “Hope I ain’t kept ya’ waitin’ too long, big boy~” The man himself oozed grease and charisma as he slung an arm around my shoulder and unlocked his bar, dragging me inside like he was taking me home for the night.

   “Ugh,” I unclenched his claws from my arm and slipped from his hold. “You smell like a booze factory and . . .” My nose must have been deceiving me, or at least I was wishing for it to be so. “Lube?”

   The grin I received was all the confirmation I needed to know that Kim MinJun was a erted pile of filth. “I had a long night.”

   I watched as he went straight to the bar and uncapped a bottle of some clear liquid, pouring a couple of shots. “You just woke up, didn’t you?” He hummed a ‘yes’ as he downed one of the shots. “Should you really be drinking, then?” Another ‘yes’ as he brought the second shot to his lips had me rolling my eyes and turning away from the man so I didn’t have to watch his self destruction, my previously good mood happily ruined by the mess of a boss I had somehow acquired. As I stared at him in a well balanced mixture of disgust and disbelief, I noticed the bags under his eyes alerting me of his probably sleepless night, and also the faint traces of powder of makeup on his nose that he used to cover up a slight discolored blotch of skin around his cheek. “You’re gonna die of alcohol poisoning you crazy old bat.”

   “Ya’ ever been in love?” MinJun didn’t wait for my answer, for that I was thankful since I was so taken back that I wouldn’t have been able to say anything at all anyway. “I think ya’ have . . . First time I ever saw ya’, I was DJin’ at this dive in Hondgae – ya’ didn’t even look old enough to be there, yet there you were hanging on some guys’ arm . . . I dunno what he was sayin’ but . . . when he walked away, looked like a piece of you was walkin’ away – bein’ ripped away – and I knew, lookin’ at ya’ right then, that look . . . you had the face of someone who constantly got hurt by the one he loved most.”

   “You always act like such a ,” He hissed at me under the pump of club music as we stood in a darker corner of the bar he convinced me to come to. There was that tone again, the one he used when he didn’t feel like looking at me, even now, his eyes were following his group of friends that were too busy dancing to notice our little ‘lover’s quarrel’. Actually, his eyes were on one of his friends in particular, the one swaying his hips and sending smiles at him when they thought I wouldn’t notice. The one who smells just like the traces of perfume I smell on his clothes when he comes home after partying without me. “This is why I don’t take you out with my friends.” No one could see the grip he had on my heart, or the back of my neck, as he squeezed tighter and tighter in the most uncomfortable – bordering painful – way possible.

   It felt like my mouth was full of cotton and yet I somehow managed to force out my words, though I didn’t mean them. “Maybe I should go home . . . If you’d rather be with him, I understand.”

   But he sees my lie, and he hates it. “You don’t understand anything – all I want is for you to chill the out and not embarrass me in front of my friends but if you can’t do that then maybe you should leave.” He let go and I could only stare at his back as he disappeared into the crowd.

   My eyes met the on looking ones of the DJ with a bandage taped to his chin before I ran away.

   “You were wearing a skullcap,” I said to MinJun as I struggled to keep myself from falling back into the memories. “With a crossed out heart on it – Why didn’t you tell me that was you?”

   “Just figured it out a minute ago.” He smirked, reminding me exactly who this was I was talking to. “You just had that same look.” When the older man smiled I couldn’t help noticing the faint gash on his chin as he brushed his thumb along it, like some old habit that he had given up on trying to break.

  Part of me wanted to cringe but I only ended up looking at him, at those dark eyes that always threatened to engulf you like black holes. “How’d you get that mark on your face?”

   I half expected him to grab the bottle again but I didn’t expect him to let go of it the second he gripped it, leaving the unconsumed liquor for someone else as he sighed and looked away from me. “I’ll just say that it happened in a different kind of fight.”

   “Did you love the person who did that to you?”

   The conflict in his eyes as he looked at me answered me long before his thick lips parted. “It’s not real love, Wooyoung . . . that’s the difficult part to accept but it’s the part you have to understand or else it will consume you until there’s nothing left of the old you.”

   I could see it in him, the truth of his words, how he really meant them. “Was he the one you were with last night?” His silence screamed an affirmation at me that made him avoid my eyes, I couldn’t stop my hand from reaching to his, suddenly desperate for the comfort and warmth that came with the touch from friendly fingertips. “You don’t have to explain,” I said as his eyes found mine again and we filled each other with our silent understanding.

   He knew what it was like to be like me. To have someone dominate you so brutally, and to forced into fear of life, with and without them. To have these feelings carved into your skin with punches and words that lashed at your heart like a whip, these doubts and uncertainties that follow you everywhere, long after they are inflicted in you. Like ripples waving across water, he knew the kind of scars that penetrate slowly, eventually changing who you are completely. He knew all about them, like I knew. “I . . . I know.”

   MinJun’s sideways smile wasn’t the same usually sly twist of his lips this time – no, this time it looked painful and I knew it was full of regret. “Is that supposed to make me feel better – that you’ve been like me before? – because it doesn’t . . . I just feel worse for you.” He propped his elbows on the bar and held his head in his hands; I tried not to listen to his struggled breathing while I waited for the right words to magically appear in my mind.

   They never did, though.

*

“Have you ever thought of putting Chansung in school?” Wooyoung asked on our way home from work one night and for this exact reason, I hated carpooling with him; there was no question that he liked my brother. In what particular way was still left to the unknown, but the thought of him having any kind of romantic feelings towards Chansung while knowing my little brother’s condition made me cringe and grip the steering wheel harder. I was almost about to turn on the radio when his next words actually caught my attention. “I have a teacher friend who said he’d be willing to pull some strings . . . get him into his kindergarten class.” Woo yawned and I could feel him looking at me as I stared ahead and kept driving.

   Of course I had thought about putting Chansung in school, but I only had to look back at my own history to be reminded of how immature kids are, how damaging they can be.

   After a while, I heard him sigh heavily. “You know you could at least say something when someone speaks to you.” Honestly, at almost four in the morning, I didn’t feel like listening to anyone’s ing, so it was a relief when silence filled the car and he didn’t press the matter anymore . . .

   Or so I thought. “Look, I know you take driving way too seriously but c’mon–”

   “I was eleven when my family got into a car accident that neither of my parents walked away from and Chansung recovered with brain damage . . .” I said as I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park. “So yes, I’m very careful about driving.” There was no way I could hide the bitterness in my voice so I didn’t even bother, nor did I bother sticking around to see the look on his face as I shut the car door and went inside the house.

   Jessica was sacked out on the couch but it was so late that I wouldn’t even think about waking her as I crept past and went to the bedroom where the giant boy was sprawled out on his bed with his limbs half hanging off the bed. The second I was about to close the door, Chansung peered up at me and then sat up instantly. “Hyung!” He shouted at first but I held my finger up to quiet him, chuckling and walking over to the bed. “Noona showed me to make cookies.” The boy mumbled while rubbing his eyes and I ran my fingers through his hair, pushing him back down into a laying position.

   “Then you have to make some for me tomorrow, neh?” He beamed at me and parted his lips but a yawn stole the words from his mouth. I was going to tell him to go to sleep, but a thought crossed my mind and I couldn’t hold it back, not this time. “Chansung-ah?” Two big eyes looked up at me, obviously trying to appear more alert and awake than they actual were. “How would you feel about going to school?”

   Chansung shot back up again and looked at me with even wider eyes, like he was thinking about what I had said for a moment and questioning if I was serious. “School with learning books?”

   I smiled. “Yeah, that kind of school. Would you like it? You would have to work very hard and study every day, and there would be a lot of kids there with you–”

   “Yes!!” He said instantly and I could tell from the way he fidgeted that he was really serious. “I go to school and learn books like hyung!” Chansung worried his bottom lip and hugged me a bit too tight for comfort. “Please hyung? Can I, please?”

   With a sigh, I patted his back and closes my eyes, trying to rid myself of the tension that arose just from the thought of letting go of the one in my arms; because letting go meant risking losing him, and losing him meant being left with nothing.

   Still, the sound of Chansung’s begging got to me, made me force out what I didn’t want to mean. “We’ll talk to Wooyoung about it in the morning, okay?” Kissing the top of Chansung’s head, I pushed him back against the bed and tucked the blankets around him. “Now go to sleep.”

“No hyung, you done it wrong . . .” I could hear Chansung whining in the kitchen. “That’s too much!” He suddenly yelled and an exasperated sigh left Wooyoung’s lips just as I rounded the corner in time to see the latter throwing his hands up frustratedly, a mess of sandwich ingredients strewed across the kitchen counter.

   “Yah!” Wooyoung shot back at the large boy. “Why don’t you just make it yourself then, huh?” A quiet curse left Wooyoung’s lips and he glanced at me before looking at Chansung, who was now cutting the crusts off his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “B-Be careful not to cut yourself~”

   I could only shake my head at the two of them as I grabbed the pot of coffee and yawned, checking my watch for the umpteenth time that morning.

   Since I had agreed to enrolling Chansung in school, the two of them were damn near inseparable. All that came out of Chansung’s mouth were questions about ‘what school is like’ and ‘do they have macaroni’ and Wooyoung didn’t seem to mind in the slightest that every night, my brother would storm into his bedroom and listen to stories about his school experiences until the larger kid fell asleep. And when I offered to make a packed lunch for him, Chansung simply shook his head and said ‘I want Woo-hyung ta do it’.

   So here I was, at six forty-two in the morning, staring jealously at the two of them while trying not to hiss at the sun that was just barely creeping in through the windows. I doubt god ever intended for anyone to be up this damn early.

   Looking in the fridge for something quick to grab, I heard the two heavy footsteps paddling up to me before I closed the door and saw my brother staring at me like a begging dog. “Wooyoungie hyung says ask hyung for cookies.” Glancing at Wooyoung, he just blushed a little as he held the box of cookies up and pleaded along with the giant kid in front of me.

   “Aish,” I rolled my eyes and turned away. “I don’t care – just hurry up or we’re gonna be late!” I grabbed my keys off the table and went to wait in the car.

   Nearly twenty minutes later, we were all finally in route and Wooyoung decided to sit in the back seat with Channie. I kept glancing back at them in the rear mirror, even though I knew it would only fuel my discontent, I watched the way the older boy held my brother’s hand palm up and they both giggled together like school kids.

   The elementary school was easy to find, and was crowded with cars and busses by the time we got there. “How long have you known this teacher friend of yours?” I asked Wooyoung as we all got out the car and didn’t miss the way Chansung’s hand immediately found his, like they were magnets.

   He looked at me, pondering for a while before smiling. “About seven years?” Wooyoung nodded. “We met when we were both trainees.”

   My interest was perked, since the younger man had never really talked about his past at all, but it only further confirmed the ideas I had about him. But before I could ask, we entered the school and Chansung bounced excitedly. “Look hyung! Toys!”

   I walked up to the front desk and bowed politely to the girl who was sitting behind it, staring at the three of us with a raised eyebrow and a soft smile on her lips. My eyes roamed from her soft curls to her bubbly features and then finally to her nametag that read ‘Min’ in curvy handwriting. “Good morning Miss Min. My name is Taecyeon, I enrolled my brother last week . . .”

   Understanding filled her eyes and she looked from me to Chansung, her eyes lighting up instantly at the sight of him. “You must be Chansung!” The boy himself grinned when she squealed and clapped her hands. “I’ve been so excited to meet you – oh my god you’re so handsome.” The girl named Min pulled up a clipboard and handed it to me along with a pen. “I just need your signature here, and then you’re all set to go meet Chansung’s homeroom teacher.”

   I didn’t bother reading the papers before I signed, which was stupid, but I was anxious to see what kind of environment my brother would be in for the days to come. After bowing again, we followed her directions to the second floor and then made our way inside the classroom that was labeled ‘2A – Mr. Lee’. “Channie,” I said before we got to the door, looking at my brother seriously. “I’m not going to be here to watch you during school, so I need you to be on your best behavior, okay? Everything the teacher tells you to do, you have to pretend like it’s me or Woo-hyung telling you to do it.”

   Wooyoung rolled his eyes and slung an arm over Chansung’s shoulder as the younger just nodded. “Yah, Taec it’s just school . . . C’mon you gotta meet Junnie~” He pulled my brother inside the classroom and I followed after them, my eyes immediately falling upon the teacher who was sitting at the front of the class and looking up at me with an equally mirrored expression of bewilderment. “Taec, this is my best friend and Chansung’s new teacher, Junho.”

   I stared back at the familiar face and tried to will my heart to stop racing.