“I don’t get what you’re so afraid of.” Jackson said as I set the barbell back on the rack and then raised an eyebrow at his questionable choice in words. He had been drilling me as to why I was so uncomfortable with the current living situation going on at my house, along with many other things that I honestly wish he would just shut the hell up about.

   “I’m not afraid of anything.” I said as I sat up and wiped the sweat from my face with my towel before throwing it over my shoulder.

   Jackson then sat on the other end on the bench press and looked at me seriously. “Bull-in’-, you’re afraid of Chansung growing up and not needing you anymore.” I could feel my ears turn red, and it was only confirmed by the twinkle in the kid’s eyes that said ‘haha, I win!’

   With absolutely nothing to say, I threw my sweaty towel at his face and chuckled at the shriek I received as I stood up and went for the showers. This gym that I had been going to recently was state of the art, and in my opinion, completely unnecessary. But since Jackson already had a membership, he insisted on naming me his free ‘plus one’ workout buddy.

   So I humored him by training a few times a week, and in return, I got to drive past a certain bookstore that was conveniently located just down the street. And on days like this in particular, when I was feeling like melting away from reality and getting lost in an idea of what could possibly be, I would stop out front and debate for several minutes about going inside, though most of the time I lost my nerve and just drove away.

   But on this particular rainy day, in front of this certain little bookstore, I pulled up just as small body came rushing out, tucking their blonde head under the hood of a jacket and I couldn’t help the silent prayer that he would notice me.

   The second he looked up, I found myself staring into a set of smiling brown eyes as he approached the passenger side window curiously. I tapped the button to roll it down when he smiled and waved through the glass. “Hey there! I almost didn’t see you.” Junho chirped playfully and with absolutely no choice in the matter, I returned his stunning smile.

   “Were you on your way home?” Call me crazy, but my hopes inflated drastically when he nodded, so I dared to offer. “Do you want a ride?”

   For a moment, he looked like he was genuinely debating it, but his smile weakened a little and I suddenly felt anxious, wondering if I was too forward and feeling the fear slowly rose up from my gut. “I live in Ilsan.” He said as it like it would disappoint me but I failed to see how that would be a problem.

   “So . . . Do you want a ride, then?” I asked again, with no consideration that it would be a roughly one and a half hour roundtrip out of my way, but for the moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to think about anything except the fact that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. “It’s a long way to walk.” I urged him, causing his musical laughter to fill my ears as he reached for the door handle.

   Score.

   I couldn’t contain my happiness, which was probably why once Junho settled into the passenger’s seat he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a soft curve on his lips. “Why are you smiling like that?”

   “I’m not smiling.” Damn it, I was smiling.

   He chuckled and wiped the lose droplets of water from his hair. “Thanks for the ride . . . You really don’t have to do this, though.”

   “Can’t you just rant about how kind and generous I am for driving all this way just to see your face?”

   What the hell was I talking about? Thankfully, Junho blushed and returned his gaze to his lap. “You think my face is all that?” The color in his cheeks darkened when I nodded and hummed in confirmation. “Are you trying to flatter me?”

   “Is it working?” I looked at him as we sat at a red light, seeing the subtle changes in his face as he thought about it. Nervousness, disbelief and embarrassment all tied together with a giddy joy that was clear on his angel-like features.

   He looked at me again, this time his smile was faint, replaced with something that resembled longing. Just as his lips parted, a loud honk of a horn from the car behind us jolted us both back to reality and I looked up to see the light had changed. As I pulled away, Junho went back to looking in front of him, blush still warm on his cheeks.

   The rest of the drive continued like this; the two of us engaging in flirtatious small talk, Junho blushing like mad while I grinned stupidly at every little thing he said. Way too quickly, the ride was over. I turned into the neighborhood that Junho directed me to and stopped in front of a house that looked old fashioned and simple, but full of memories.

   It had stopped raining, but the ground was still wet and drops of water stuck to the car and we just sat there for a few seconds, neither one of us willing to make the move.

   “Thank you, again.” Junho proved to have more courage than I, looking at me with a soft kind of smile that showed in his eyes.

   “Anytime.” I said as I watched him open the car door. Just what the hell was wrong with me that stopped me from saying anything more to this beautiful creature? It was like everything I knew about picking up guys went right out the window whenever I looked at him. It was his lips that were so distracting, beautifully full and pink. Or maybe it was how small his eyes were, that they almost disappeared completely when he laughed. His neck was distracting as well, the way his adam’s apple moved when he swallowed; it lulled me like a siren, singing me to my doom.

   And now he was getting out of the car with a sweet ‘goodbye’, and the only thing I had said was ‘anytime’.

*

“Hyung!” A childlike voice startled me to death and caused me to choke on my toothpaste as I stood at the bathroom sink, attempting to brush my teeth. I looked behind me to see Chansung standing in the doorway, holding his legs together and bouncing slightly. “I gots’ta go, hyung~”

   The sight was comical, but considering the fact that I was trying to breathe, I could barely even mutter out. “Then go.” Motioning to the toilet, I went back to cleaning my teeth while he just stood there with a deep red blush on his cheeks.

   “Hyuuuuung~”

   “We’re both boys,” I said once I rinsed my mouth, looking at him through the mirror as I started rubbing my shaving cream on my chin. “Just go pee, Chan-ah.”

   With one last reluctant glance, Chansung stepped inside and I went back to shaving the stubble that had grown irritatingly around my lips. It was cute, how Chansung looked wearily at the toilet, then at me, then back to the toilet. I was just about to ensure him that he had nothing to worry about, what I wasn’t expecting was for the big kid-ish like man suddenly dropped his pajama pants and boxers to the floor and did his business, leaving his bare legs and rear end exposed for staring.

   My eyes couldn’t help roaming along his full thighs and, like his older brother, his was muscular and . . .

   “Don’t look!” Chansung yelled when he caught me staring and I snapped my head the other way around only to feel the familiar sharp slice on my chin as I rubbed it over the blade of my razor on accident.

   “Ah .” I cursed, dropping the razor in the sink and looking at myself in the mirror as I rinsed the shaving cream off my face and patted a towel to my damaged face. Okay, so it really wasn’t that bad, but the dramaking in me still winced when I dabbed at the blood that trickled down my chin.

   Suddenly, two large hands were on my shoulders, turning me around until I was facing a very concerned looking Chansung. His eyes widened when he saw the blood on my chin and his bottom lip jutted out just at the same time that his brow furrowed in concentration while he unpeeled the wrapper away from a tiny band-aid. “Still.” The young giant gave me a single-word command that I, for some reason, obeyed immediately.

   I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, off the way he took so much care and focused so intensely on a simple task like placing the band-aid over my chin and pressing gently on the sides so it would stick. Once he was done, he stood up straight again with a big smile. “All done! Small hyung gonna get better now. No more owie.”

   “Chansung-ah,” What could I say to a grown man who had just successfully treated my ‘owie’ with a small yellow banana covered band-aid? “. . . Did you wash your hands?”

   Well that was one option.

   Probably should have thought about it more, since Chansung’s first reaction came from his ears, they turned a deep red color, followed by his cheeks, and then he looked away as if he was about to start crying. “Sorry hyung.”

   “Hey, don’t cry okay?” I nudged his shoulder reluctantly. “Hyung was just joking . . . Hyung’s not mad at all, okay? It’s okay if you didn’t wash your hands – I mean, it’s kinda gross, but that’s alright. You can wash them now, okay? You’re fiiiine.” For some odd reason, I felt the instinctual urge to pull him into my arms and when I did, he melted into me, letting me rub his back while he sniffled against my shoulder.

   “Hyung’s not mad?”

   I shook my head and looked into Chansung’s eyes as he peeked up from my shoulder for assurance. There was something there, something more than just an upset guy, crying and clinging to my arm like a big baby. There was trust, the kind you only have when you’re young and still believe in dreams, as well as nightmares. Chansung was someone that, for whatever reason, needed me. I forgot what this felt like.

   “You’re lucky you have me, because I don’t need you at all . . .”

   It was then that I realized that I hadn’t been needed by anyone in so long, not even by myself. Two heavy arms brought me back to my senses when they enclosed around me tightly and my mumble of protest was muffled by Chansung’s chest and completely ignored. I found out early on that all that about ‘retard strength’ was seriously no joke, the kid was strong.

   But gentle.

   One quick glance down and I was frozen still, the whole front of my body squished to Chansung’s as he kept up the bear hug. “Chanana~” My voice was hoarse and my face was flushed from embarrassment. “Next time . . . can you pull up your pants before hugging me?”

*

The smile Junho left me with was still lingering on my lips as I finally got home after the almost two hour detour. I didn’t know what it was but I felt a kind of hope, like there could be something there, something that would grow into much more. Junho was fresh air to my suffocated lungs and that scared me most of all. It was hard to believe that something as simple as his presence could affect me like this.

   After a quick stop at Chansung’s favorite chicken place, I walked through the front door and set my keys on the table next to the chicken and then made my way to the kitchen. What I wasn’t expecting to find was both my little brother and our houseguest sprawled out on the kitchen floor with sheets of paper scattered about with handwriting all over them.

   I looked across the papers covered in Chansung’s and Taec-hyung ’s and many, many Wooyoung’s all sloppily written in different colored crayons.

   Chansung noticed me immediately and smiled. “Look hyung!” He held up a sheet of paper that had the alphabet written in colorful print. “Small hyung teach me to write like books!” Of course I didn’t notice Wooyoung’s blush, or the way he smiled when my brother looked at him. Since this almost-stranger had come into my life, I had never seen him look like that before. Wooyoung’s smiles were always glazed over with redundancy and habit and now, he just looked kinda happy and it was no doubt because of my Chansung.

   The only thing I could do was walk to my room with clenched fists.