Baekhyun’s POV:

‘The hard engineering methods of the coastal protection measures include the construction of physical structures, such as seawalls, tetra pods, gabions, breakwaters….’ Baekhyun sat at his desk, hands furiously flipping the pages of his geography notebook as he went through his geography notes again and again in preparation for his upcoming finals.

“Okay class! Today before we start the day, I would like to introduce a new student, please all be nice to him” Mrs Kim bellowed throughout the classroom. I continued to read his geography notes, disinterested until I heard the painful dragging of the chair and someone placing his books on the table beside me. A wide-eyed, red haired boy with pale skin, creepy smiling grin and large round glasses greeted me.

‘Anneonghaseyo! Park Chanyeol- imida, nice to meet you, I hope we can be good table mates!’ A deep voice echoed. I looked up from the highlighter inked filled pages of my notebook.

I froze. As the new information registered into my brain, my heart immediately sank to my feet. Of all places why choose to sit right at the corner, at the back with me? How am I supposed to cut, no scrape now? As I stared at the new boy or more of gaped at the new boy, I started to feel nervous. The anxiety started to build up.  What if I have a panic attack during class? What if he finds out? Why would someone want to sit with useless trash like me? I deserve to be alone.

After all that panic in my head, the first thing that came out of my mouth was “Why did you choose to sit here? There are so many empty seats next to people in the front”. What a great thing to say to someone new. Great news trash, you just proved to be a weirdo in front of this new person. What was his name? He probably thinks you are rude now.

“Umm, I would sit in front but then all the girls in front with empty seats looked like they would eat me up and the other guy there with the music player looked pretty scary. I would sit next to that pale guy with doe eyes but then as I was making my way to his seat, the scary guy with the mp3 gave me this death glare, so then I spotted you and you looked nice so here I am” the new red haired boy said.

I glanced in front to see the girls staring at both of us. No wait, more of Ogling. Well red haired boy is pretty good looking I guess. I glanced at the supposedly scary guy. Sehun. And then I glanced at the doe eyed boy, Luhan. I put the pieces together and I almost wanted to laugh with amusement. Sehun has this huge crush on Luhan which he would never admit and watching him gaze at Luhan so affectionately it hilarious. Okay, but I still don’t see why he sat here. Not like you can tell him to go away right? You don’t deserve to tell people what to do trash.

I put on my happy smile and grinning at the new kid, I said,  “Byun Baekhyun-imida, nice to meet you, I’m sure we will be great table partners!” As I went back to my notes my smile faded as I glanced down at the paper, trying to occupy myself with the small untidy black handwriting in my notebook. Frantic thoughts raced through my mind. Can you keep this up? This façade in front of this new kid? He is going to find out about the scraping. Then he will tell others. Others will diss you and judge you. Why couldn’t he sit somewhere else? Why must you choose trash like me?. I don’t deserve anything. He is going to find out. He is going to find out. He is going to start to hate trash like me. I felt hot tears spring to my eyes as I wallowed in self pity and self hate.I furiously blinked them away before new kid could notice. Cut the crap trash. You should be focusing. You don’t even deserve to pity yourself.

I must have looked pretty flustered because the next thing I heard was, “Are you okay? You look pretty pale. You shouldn’t chew on your lips like that, it’s bad for you.” Red haired boy grinned up at me. The creepy smile started to scare me.

‘I’m fine’ I said in a small voice. “When’s your birthday? Mine is on the 27^th of November, how about you Baekhyun-shi” “6^th May 1992” “Really? So I guess were are chingus! Yah! Baekhyun ah, I’m not going to use formalities from now onwards”

 This new kid is definitely different. I didn’t know how to act around him. I pushed up the thick black rim of my degreeless glasses. The next thing I heard made up really dumbfounded. “You know, since both of us have large full frames glasses, we can be glasses buddies! Wouldn’t it be awesome? You are now officially my glasses buddy!” Red haired boy said. “We are going to be great friends.

Oh no, not that creepy grin again. Someone save me, I thought as I faced the front and attempted to pay attention. “Today is going to be a long day”.

Bell Rings^^

Grabbing my bag, I bolted out of the class room, anxious to get away from school and Chanyeol and ran home. I couldn’t scrape the whole day and my wrists ached for the familiar pain. Upon reaching home, I yanked open the door and the first thing that greeted me as I unlocked the door was a flying green glass bottle aimed at my face. Fear squeezed my heart and I immediately crouched down before the glass bottle shattered behind me. She’s back. The hot tears and fear started to build. Vulnerable, I felt myself being dragged and hurled up and thrown across the room. Using a bamboo pole used to hang clothes, she started to beat me up as she laughed. Her laughter bellowed throughout the small living room. “You pathetic piece of . Why are you aline?” More beatings. More objects slammed at me as I could only crouch down defensively and watched as all sorts of objects fell to the ground. Cutlery, pots, books, whatever she could get her hands on, she threw. “aww little Baekhyunnie,are you scared?  Are you?” Silence. “I ASKED. ARE YOU SCARED?” She screamed out.

Afraid to look up, I found my voice and managed to croak out, “I’m not scared”

“NOT SCARED? Don’t lie to me you . If you are not scared, why are you shaking? WHY ARE YOU SHAKING? Tell me you pathetic piece of ! Do I look that scary?” I felt my back slam into the familiar handle of the kitchen cupboard several times as she backhanded be before she staggered and passed out drunk.

I crawled to the corner of the room as I sat there, not moving for a few minutes as I tried to stop shaking. Looking up at the peaceful face of the girl, the fear amplified. It was amazing how someone so kind and caring could turn into a monster she in just a matter of a few years. Shakily, I stood up and wincing as the bruises on my back stung, I gently picked up the body of the girl in front of me and piggy backed her to one of the rooms before gently putting her body on the bed. The bruises hurt so much. Its okay baek, you deserve this. I took off her shoes and pulled the covers over her. And Moving carefully so the bruises won’t hurt, I grabbed some hot towels and wiped her sleeping face with it, wiping off the thick layers of make-up she had on I turned up the air con and closed the door, making sure that she was comfortable.

Stumbling into the room, I collapsed on my beaten mattress and sat there and cried my heart out. My chest hurt. It hurt so much. Images of past family memories surfaced. Me sitting on Dad’s shoulders. Mum and dad holding my hands. Me, noona and a boy of older age who looked like noona building sand castles. A wave of nostalgia swept me. Mum hugging me as I got of the school gate. Noona and the same boy and me getting ice cream. Who is that boy? Why is he always reappearing in my memories? Why did I call him hyung before? Was he a close friend? Was he Noona’s boyfriend? Where is he now?  I Questioned.

I thought about now.  Where is mum? Where is Dad? Why did they leave? I cried harder. The bruises ached like crazy. You disgusting piece of . I thought about today’s events. Jongin looked as good as always with his nice body and biceps. Kyung hyung and jongin, look at the affectionate way both of them glanced at each other. Suho hyung, so caring and nice. Always taking care of us. I don’t deserve any of his concern and care. Sehun and kris. Both amazing. What are you? Piece of . Trash. Dirt. You deserve to be treated this way. The new red haired kid popped up. That new boy chanyeol. He is so charismatic. He captures everyone’s attention when he speaks. He’s so perfect. All the girls like him. He’s so confident. He probably just pities you so he sat with you. I glanced at the window. You shouldn’t be alive. The window is there. Waiting for you.

I got up and shuffled towards the balcony window. Hot tears stream down my cheeks as I glanced down 16 storied down. Go ahead, the ground is waiting for you. A small voice echoed in my head. One foot on the edge. Byun baekhyun, you deserve to die, remember this. Byun baekhyun you are such a failure in life. I hate myself. I really really hate myself. Taking a deep breath, I tried to lift my second leg off the safe security of my room. Glancing down before me, I immediately drew back, the familiar scene repeating again. This is the 9^th time you have done this baek. 9^th time. and All 9 times, you don’t have the courage to jump. You know why? Because you are a coward. Because you lack the courage. You are such a pathetic loser. ’S-s-stop. P-please! “ I begged as I started to hit the sides of my head violently.  ”Stop it!” I leaned against the side of my desk trying to clear my mind of the voices. Go away. Go away. Leave me alone! I screamed in my mind. Without hesitation, I felt my hands curl around the thing plastic ruler and clenaching the fist of my left hand, I removed my black, strapped watch and started to carve out long red lines on the skin. Blood rose to the surface. The voices persisted. I rolled my school pants and pressed the rule to the side of my right thigh. There, 7 Long white scars greeted me. I embraced them, tracing my fingers over the previously carved scars. They are beautiful, these scars baek, you deserve them. I violently slashed the corner of the plastic ruler into my right thigh. Thick spots of blood oozed out from the sliced skin. The 8^th scar. Go ahead baek, you deserve more for being so pathetic. Slash. The 9^th scar. 9 Scars for the nine times you failed to jump. The scraping was a distraction. Soon the voices faded away as I watched the red flow, dancing between the lines of the other 7 scars. I felt nothing. I felt numb. So damn numb. I let out a dry laugh, as I pressed my back onto the cold hard floor, the emptiness inside of me scared me. I felt nothing.