Baekhyun’s POV:

I walked into my room, hands gripping around my shirt as I shakily slammed the door shut. Throwing off my school bag, I let out a shaky breath as I sat down on the mattress and tried to calm myself down. Leaning against the wall, I closed my eyes and tried to relax, to clear my mind. That’s when it happened. My chest started to hurt like hell and I could see my hands turning pale.

‘No , this can’t be happening, I can’t have a panic attack now’ my mind screamed.  I gasped for air, literally feeling my throat constrict. I tried to take deep breaths. I really did. That’s when the painful memories started to flash. I gasped desperately, trying to take in air before I suffocate. Before I knew it, something wet was on my face as my hands gripped my shirt harder, twisting it and crumpling it.

‘Cut, I need to cut’. I stood up woozily, and I felt the room spin as I staggered towards my pencil case, almost tripping in the process. . I desperately shook my pencil case, as my hands fumbled to find the rectangular piece of plastic. I flipped open my pencil case, pouring its contents out. Shakily, I wrapped my hands around the dull looking ruler that has been snapped in half. Gripping the ruler tightly, I hurried to take off my watch, unbuckling the strap. The digital watch fell onto the ground, to reveal long red lines with pieces of skin scraped off at the sides, together with dark purple scabs forming on top of the scars.

Without hesitation, I placed the broken end of the plastic ruler to my left wrist, and dug into my skin. Dragging it across my wrist, I watched as the skin scraped off, revealing the pinkish layer of skin below, as I tore open my scabs, the skin becoming rough and red. I choked back a sob and cried harder as the images continued to flash through my mind. ‘I need to dig it in deeper, It needs to get out of my head’.

Angrily, I took the broken end of the ruler and slashed repeatedly at my left wrist, scraping off tons of skin and cutting through the surface of my skin at times. Little specks of blood oozed out, but there was little blood and what were left were long angry red lines that stung. I focused on the pain of scraping out my skin, as hot tears poured down my cheeks, and slowly the images started to disappear, as my breathing became steadier. Lying on the floor next to the mess of pens and stationary on the floor, I heaved, and after a few long moments, I opened my eyes and slowly got up, making my way to the bathroom.

Turning the tap to the hottest setting, I ran my wrist under the burning water, the raw skin on my wrist stinging, as I let out a deep breath and wiped my tears. I made my way back into my room, and I picked my black digital watch from the floor and wrapped it around my left wrist, successfully concealing the red marks on my left wrist.

‘I don’t cut. This is not cutting. This is just scraping the surface of my skin until blood shows. It’s not cutting, its only scraping. This is not self harm’ I drilled into my head as I collapsed onto my bed, pulling the covers over myself.

Sob. Sob again. And one after another, the sobs came out as I buried my head into my pillow, soaking my sheets with tears. “You are such a failure. You deserve all the pain. You are so worthless. Look at you compared to your classmates. You have to study so hard just to keep up, while they do so effortlessly. They are all much better looking. You are fat. You are ugly. You are useless. You are a waste of space. You are a burden. You are worthless. You shouldn’t be alive.” The thoughts ran through my head as I clawed at my scalp, hitting my head furiously. ‘Stop it! Shut up! Please, I’m sorry I’m so useless. I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m sorry” I lay there whimpering as I shook under the blankets and eventually drifted off to sleep.