That raven haired boy was walking down the street. He walked slowly over a bridge, holding on the railing as he proceed toward the end of the bridge. He occasionally closed his eyes as wind blew over him, swaying his coal back bang under his reversed cap, humming a lullaby that his mother used to lull him to sleep when he was a kid.

His name was Kim Jongin.

He exhaled, long, letting out exhausted sigh that eased his chest a bit. He was exhausted, clearly, after long practice in dance club in his school. The leader of the dance club, insisted that everyone practice for more hours before their performance in the school festival next three months. They, all of all clubs in the school, had to show amazing performance in the entire school. The leader had a concept and a vision, which had to be followed by all club members, including the raven haired boy. The problem was whenever he had a vision, everyone would end up suffering.

Jongin was tired, that's for sure. He declined a friendly attempt of the leader who tried to warm the frustrating atmosphere in the club by treating the members ddeokbokki. He just wanted to go to his room and lay on his bed until tomorrow, well until the end of weekend actually. Shame, it was still Tuesday and he had to wait for three more days before he could pass out for more than twelve hours.

He left out another sigh.

Jongin had passed the bridge already when he heard someone screaming his name.

"JONGIN! JONGIN!!"

He turned around and saw a  girl running toward him. As she got closer, Jongin could see that it was Im Yoona, a girl of his senior by one year. Her dark brown hair was swaying in the air, feet stomping the ground hard.

Yoona was panting as she arrived at the cene. She just breathed in and out for one whole minute, letting the air enter his respiratory track.

"Annyeong, Jongin!"

"Annyeong, Yoona-sunbae."

Yoona flashed a blinding smile. Her cheeks were tinted with rosy pink. Jongin replied her smile, trying to look happy despite his exhaustion.

"Jongin, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Yes, sure, Sunbae."

Yoona fiddled with her hair. "Can we not talk here. What about we ..., talk there!"

She pointed a bench under camphor tree which was situated by the river bank. No one was there, it was perfect for having a private conversation. Jongin smiled and nodded.

"Sure. Let's go."

They both walked in silence. Jongin was curious what she wanted to do with him.  So far as he could recount, Jongin never really interacted with her. Im Yoona happened to be the most beautiful girl at school and have these tons of admirers wanting to have her as girlfriend. Even though they went to the same Junior HIgh School before, they didn't talk much but exchanged some polite greetings. She had already been really popular since then but she was not particularly close to Jongin. Jongin was never an people guy. He didn't really connect with people, especially to people he didn't really know. He always found it hard to initiate a conversation.

They just kept silent until they reached the mentioned place and took a seat together on the bench.

"Umm ..., Jongin, I'm sorry for disturbing you. I know you are tired after your dance practice. I, I don't know when I should meet you if not know."

"That's fine, Sunbae. So, what can I do for you?"

Yoona's cheeks got deep crimson right now. She lowered her head down and suddenly got really busy with his bag. Jongin had turned into a hundred years old guy when she finally handed him a pink box wrapped with red ribbon.

"Jongin, please take this. This is my Valentine's Day chocolate for you. I made it by myself.

"Please, be my boyfriend!"

Jongin was agape. He blinked, four times, before he could run his voice.

"This ..., is for me ...?"

"Yes .... For you ...."

Her voice grew fainter. Jongin looked at her and bit his lower lip. A pang of pity, together with some old longing feeling attacked his heart, filling him with with guilt. Jongin smiled to the girl before him. It was a sad smile, always the sad one. He hated himself to the guts, but he didn't have any choice but to do it.

"I am really sorry, Yoona-sunbae. You are really pretty. Indeed. You can find the best person who will love you all the time. However, I cannot receive your gift. I am really sorry."

Jongin bit his lips, guilt raising like tsunami for saying this thing, over and over. He always hated himself no matter how many times he did this. He couldn't bring his eyes to meet Yoona's eyes, even when she spoke with hurt, trembled voice.

"Are ..., are you ..., in love with someone else?"

Jongin sighed. He waited for some moment and nodded. She heard a gasp from Yoona, followed by a very long, excruciating silence. Jongin didn't dare to look at her. This was all he could do when he rejected someone : keep silent and lower his head down.

When she finally spoke again, Yoona's voice was really shaky.

"Alright then. I understand why you can't love me."

"I am sorry. I am so sorry."

"No, don't be. Love comes with no force. I couldn't force you to love me. At least you are honest with me. I am happy with that.

"Hey, Jongin, look at me."

Jongin lifted his head slowly. Yoona's eyes were glistening, but she smiled sweetly to him.

"I am okay. I am sad, really sad, actually, but I am okay with that. You need to fight for your love, alright! You are a guy, and a guy should man up. You may break my heart," Yoona let a painful giggle," but you do it because you don't want to make me miserable. That's a noble act. I really respect your decision.

"As for this chocolate, just have it, okay? I have made it with all my might. I am not that good at cooking, so I am really sorry if it tastes terrible. Eat it, please. At least it will be a little happy thing for me to know that you have it."

Jongin couldn't help but taking the pink box. He bowed to Yoona.

"Thank you, Sunbae. I am really sorry."

Yoona smiled and returned the bow back.

"No worries, Jongin. Hwaiting, ne? Good luck with your love!"

Yoona rose from his seat calmly but when she turned her body, Jongin felt like he saw a tears falling from her eyes. Jongin's heart was squeezed. How could he do such terrible thing to a sweet girl like that? It was better if she slapped him or cursed him or hurt him. Seeing her being very nice like that was indeed more frustrating that her being mean to him.

He pulled something out of his pocket. An old badge, green and shaped like wings. There was someone's name written on it, almost erased already as the time went by. Jongin stared at the badge, feeling endless longing and crushing guilt mixing in his chest.

Do Kyungsoo, look what I have just done ....

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"WHATTT??!! YOU REJECTED YOONA-SUNBAE'S CONFESSION??!!!"

Jongin clamped his hand on his bestfriend's mouth. He dragged him outside the class whose residents were staring at them. Jongin let go of his hand from his struggling bestfriend once they reached the school rooftop.

"Shut the hell up, Sehun!! You made the whole class looking at me like a !"

"Which you clearly deserve! Yoona-sunbae! Oh my God! Jongin, you are a ! The est of the ! Damn! That goddess! You rejected a goddess! God's sake!"

"I never mean any of this you know."

The tone of Jongin's voice as well as that look on his bestfriend's face silenced Sehun. Jongin took the badge from his pocket. Sehun's face scrunched. He was clearly frustrated with Jongin's action, but his heart was punched upon seeing his bestfriend doing that thing again.

"Not that guy again, Jongin, not that guy again ...."

Jongin's face turned more somber. Sehun sighed, long.

"That guy was ancient, Jongin. He was a random guy. How could you keep your heart for someone whose existence is not even known."

"I don't know, Sehun. My heart is locked inside, bound to him. I can't even think of anyone else. I just can't ...."

"Jongin, please .... How many times do you have to do this, over and over again? You have to move on, please! I hate seeing you like this. You don't want to open yourself, rejecting people who are probably meant for you. You are a guy, dude! You are not supposed to moping over someone like this. Find someone else, either boy or girl, I don't care, and open your heart to that person."

"Do you mean that I have to deny my feeling? That as a guy, I must not keep my heart for someone only? I have to ditch people over people just to forget my own feeling?"

Sehun stuttered, counter-attacked.

"That, that's, that's not exactly what I mean!"

"Then what?"

"I don't want you to get hurt, Jongin.You keep hurting yourself by doing this to your heart. It makes me sad to see you like this all the time. You have been doing this for ten years, ten ing years! Stop doing this!"

Jongin exhaled. Ten years. Yes, Sehun was right. Ten years had passed since that handsome boy helped him from the bullies. Ten years had passed since he found the boy's badge which he accidentally dropped. Ten years had passed since he kept the badge to himself. Ten years had passed since he promised to himself that he would return it to the boy and say thank you to him.

Ten years had indeed passed since the feeling he later acknowledged as unrequited love grew in his heart.

Sehun patted Jongin's shoulder.

"I am sorry, buddy. I didn't mean to sound harsh to you. As your bestfriend, I just want you to be happy. It is just not healthy to stay like this. I know it is painful to start over, but it is worth to do it. Find your own happiness, leave your shell, you will find your true love later."

Jongin half smiled to him. Sehun was Jongin's bestfriend since they both were just toddlers. He was one of very few people he told about his first love. Sehun was always there to cheer him up, no matter what happened. Sehun was a sometimes, but he understood him very well. Thinking of it, Jongin felt that his bestfriend words' might be the only thing he had to follow.

"You know what, Sehun-ah, I think you are right. I have ten years waiting for nothing. I have spent my time wishing for something which would probably never happen to even just come before me. You're right, it hurts, deeply. I guess I'll do as you say. I should give it a chance. I will try to open my heart for someone."

Jongin let out a long sigh.

"But give me time to do this. Give me a year to prepare it. I am gonna wait until my next birthday. If I cannot find him, if I cannot return the badge to him and say thank you, I will forget him. I will delete him from my mind, forever."

"And what will you do with that badge if you cannot find him?"

Jongin sighed. He felt painful already just by thinking of it.

"I will throw this badge away. I will go to Han River and drop it to its stream. I will let the water swallow it, take it away. I hope my heart will be free at last."

They both fell in silence. The wind on the roof was blowing hard. There were many things swirling in Jongin's name, but like what always happening in this long ten years, his heart kept screaming how he really missed that handsome, kind-hearted boy.

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June 7, 2014

WOWOWOWOWOW!!! What the hell! I got so many subscribers just by posting the foreword only. Oh My God.... I apologize to all of you for the long waiting! I wasn't satisfied with the first chapter and I kept adding this and that to perfect the story. Well, I don't know if you guys will like this story or not. Somehow in my mind, many angst scenes demand to be portrayed and it is just exactly perfect in my opinion to stay in the story. There will be fluff too, but most of the story will have heart-wrenching episode. So sorry for turning the expected fluffy story into angsty mode. I hope you still have a liking to it.

PS: The camphor tree in the beginning of the story is a camphor tree where Songri and Joonmyeon in the alternate universe kissed for the first time. You can read their story here on I Am Happy To Love You.

Schandelierre