Cold showers had become a routine. Just like cold ramen in my bowl and empty sheets when I wake up. Never before have I cried this much. Never have I cried in my dreams.

I threw all your pictures away. I thought it would be easier to forget. Forget it all, clean the trashes and start again. I burned your letters, gave your gifts away. Cut my hair and covered my pain. But under my bed is your black shirt full of your stunning scent. Reminding that once you were right here. When I was allowed to kiss your lips. Inside the shirt there is a piece of old paper. Just little piece of paper with ripped edges. Words you wrote to it with your childish handwriting. If this pain could kill, I would have died dozen times.

I saw your unhappiness through the cold shield when no one else did. I kissed you. You didn't react. I kissed you again and you looked at me eyes full of tears. They were like long pearl string. You grabbed my hand and asked forgiveness. I didn't understand what you talked about. Now it's all so clear to me.

Same night you pushed me against the wall and growled next to my ear. You wanted make that night ours. Your touch gave me goosebumps and it was so weird to hear my own moan. So loud and full of pleasure. Your rough hands explored all over my body, pulled me closer and I felt your harsh lips against mine. Feeling your weight on me made me feel safe. You bit my lower lip and playfully tip of my nose. Every single part of me wanted you.

Suddenly you stopped and stepped back sweeping corner of your mouth. That was when first cold feeling came to me.

"Don't stop! Did I do something wrong?" I whined.

You breath heavily and kept your eyes closed. I noticed that my jeans were open and your shirt laid on the floor. You stood up and grabbed paper from the table.

Then ripped it into smaller piece and wrote something on it.

"Tao look at me"

I looked.

What I wrote into this paper is the only real thing in this world and you need to remember that. No matter what.

"What are you going to do Kris?" I asked with shaking tone. "Why are you making this all sound like in farewell?"   

The answer was right in front of my eyes. In your dark sad eyes.

Because this is farewell.

We went sleep in silence. You kicked the shirt under the bed and laid next to me. With no words I came into your arms. You didn't push me away and I'm grateful for that, but I couldn't feel your presence. Your body was so warm, but I felt cold. Actually it was freezing... And by the morning you were gone.

First month was the most harsh. At nights I screamed your name. I lived day by day in this same apartment full of memories. When I looked at kitchen I remembered how you tried make a dinner, but after fifteen minutes the kitchen was like someone had dropped a bomb. When I went sleep I imagined your hands around me. Your kiss on back of my neck and forehead. But the sadness has changed into anger and only one question filled my mind.

How could you do this to me

My friends told that he won't come back. I didn't want to believe them because hope inside me was still flaming, but soon the rain came and ash was all that was left.

One day I went to local super market... And I swear I saw you. I saw you standing in the crowd, looking at me. When I blinked you were gone. Again. But even for a second.. You were there

And couple days after I woke up from my bed and felt your breath behind me. I heard you inhalate and guarding my dreams.

"Tao", you said and hearing your voice made me cry.

It's just a dream. I have dreamed of this many times before, I told myself.

"But Zitao. It is me", you set your hand on my shoulder.

Stop it! You are not real. Why did you leave. Stop this and get out of my head", I started yell and pulled blanket over my head.

"I had to. I had to solve things and I had to do it on my own. I wanted protect you. But being without you is a torture", your voice broke and I heard your sob. Suddenly it all started feel real. Like you were really there. My heart pound so fast. I didn't want to look behind the blanket. I didn't want to feel pain again if you weren't really there. But you were and I saw your tears. You had lost weight and you were dirty. You looked scary but still so handsome. You were still my Kris.

I couldn’t feel anger even I wanted. I should have hit you and yell at you because you had left me live in pain and feeling numb. But I was amazed and tears blurred my gaze. I raised my hand to touch your face. You cheekbones had become sharper and you looked so miserable.

Wu Yifan

“Yes it’s me”, you laughed and cried at the same time. I can’t describe how good it felt to taste your lips again. My hands your body. Something to hold and close inside my arms.

"Do you remember when I gave you that piece of paper and told you that the words in it are only real thing in this world", you said. "What are the words Zitao?"

I hesitated for a second and squeezed your hand. It felt so good.

" wo ai ni - I love you." I whispered.

"Yes. And that is the reason I'm here and that’s the reason I won’t leave.. Ever again."

You gave the paper and closed me into soft kiss mixed with tears and laughter.   

                                                     <- y free and single :3