YEAR 2011: SEED

SPRING Exhibition has came, and that means a very hectic schedule for me was going to end soon. Thanks to my two idiots, I kind of forced to fill the empty posts. Spent the last months alternating between three realms: institute life, studio life and atelier life.

I was dead tired but still there were a lot of things to handle right before the last day of the exhibition came. The institute targeted a lot of newcomers to register by this year and that’s exactly the reason of why the chosen students got pressed to create such a mind-blowing creation to get the audience awed. Those who were blessed with genuine art taste got their long awaited spotlight, Min Ah glowed the most with her creations and I kind of having those envy creeping up these days as I surveyed the area.

“Have you practiced for your closing speech?” Professor Kim’s question won over my conflicted self. I hissed lowly as I got reminded with one of my roles for this exhibition, apparently not required to follow the mass current resulted in me filling up every opened posts. They called me Chief for handling the operational issue, sometimes PD or Producer for actually directing them straight on even though my real position was the second head of production for the Spring Exhibition.

Who in their right mind would rather chose the burden of being the one with hefty responsibility on his/her shoulder for the upcoming Spring Exhibition when they could have had their long awaited Christmas holiday? I found my fault for having the tiest luck ever: my AWOL got me this messed up responsibility.

But all’s good. I hoped as I shuffled my bag upside down to find that ty speech letter which the institute has trusted to me yesterday.

*******

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I felt a surge of happiness came barreling when I found people observing my projects. I didn’t have such a large piece of artworks like the rest of the exhibitionist have, clearly not that awesome like Min Ah’s and of course there wouldn’t be horde of people encircling my station. All that I contributed to this Spring Exhibition was all of my past projects within the institute, a mere result of my hard work to gain that title and not something new that I produce solely for the exhibition.

My station, if I may call it like that, wasn’t even eye catching for I just stacked it evenly and put some banner and posters for details. Nothing grand at all, for days it has been like that and I was so sure that if there’s the chance of scouts coming by, I bet I would be the first to be opted out.

I watched them lingering around my unkempt station, the voices that came from the earpiece quickly ignored. I was tormented, should I show my face there and entertain them or should I just walk away? There was a static buzz from my right ear, people calling me to get my attention for dealing with their frenzy state.

But when Professor Kim yanked my earpiece away, I knew that the universe rooted for the first option. I got dragged to my station, bowing and presented myself in front of the so called high-esteemed line of scouts.

The aftermath called for another tormented choices, to be happy that they actually recognized my hard work or to be sad that even though I’ve spent all these times enhancing my taste I still couldn’t got out from my root: efficiency.

I got numerous business cards to keep, and even more when Professor Kim told them that I was the brain behind this exhibition. I felt guilty, I didn’t do it willingly. And hollow, for my hardest work got outshone by my half-assed work again.

*******

A phone call led me to this situation: a sudden change in the rundown.

Apparently one famous star has decided to stop by our institute and had agreed to participate in our highlight for the last day in the spur of a moment. The entire students got so hyped up that they bugged me to quickly modify the rundown. Nothing I do could lessen their enthusiasm so I gave in.

Flabbergasted? I was way beyond that when I found Kim Jae Joong on the front row when I delivered my speech. I blamed him for my impromptu speech on the spot because my mind went blank that moment when our eyes locked. I didn’t remember any garbage I spouted but I remember him looking at me with that hawk eyes of him, a little smirk on his lips and contented expression all over his face when I reached my end.

Min Ah squealed like a dolphin and flailed her arms like a squid when Kim Jae Joong handed her the trophy of the most favorite student artist of this exhibition. She got his sign, taken a picture together and even hugged him while the whole institute cheered for her. Her father looked very proud of her, and it was the night I realized that my roommates isn’t the same with what I’ve pictured her as. Seo In Hee, the treasurer of the committee, told me that most of the fund for this exhibition was provided by Min Ah’s father seeing that he is one of a well known politician of the country.

Professor Kim was nowhere to be seen when Kim Jae Joong conquered the stage, I got ambushed by my two idiots and they dragged me to enjoy the night. Kim Jae Joong shamelessly pulled me out of the audience with the help of his manager, the way they did it was marvelous as though it was an impromptu act that I was chosen accidentally to share some fun dance session with the famous star. People shouted, some sang along and some relieved all the pent up stress by dancing, even the Dean played along. It was like a festival, a good evening to spend together with all the fireworks, foods and drinks.

I was cautious when I caught him waving his hand at me behind the stage; he wasn’t having the best time of his life with all those diehard fans of him I guessed when he mouthed his plea to me. I tried to help him discreetly by pulling some string, but he messed it all up by catching me literally.

I almost got my heart out of my chest when he greeted me by bowing formally and referred me as the student in responsible of him as appointed by the Dean. I, for once was thankful for the posts I filled in for the exhibition that his diehard fans seemed to buy his outright lies.

He just laughed when I gave him my stinky eyes once we got inside Professor Kim’s office. “Thanks bro,” he said as he ruffled my hair nonchalantly.

Hearing him calling me his bro didn’t really sit right to me, it was kind of bittersweet because he referred me as his which implied a close relationship between us but it was also as like his younger male buddy which I’m not, I’m a woman for heaven’s sake.

Professor Kim’s existence halted my impulsiveness to take control as I heard her scolding someone outside her office. The door opened wider, a crisp looking woman came in. “When did you decide to betray me, my dearest Karin?” Professor Kim asked as she locked the door.

I blinked.

“I did tell you not to present such a chance to the likes of Choi Min Ah, didn’t I?” Professor Kim sighed. “Why would you agree into having her meeting her god?”

Ah, she meant that.

“Choi Min Ah?” I heard Kim Jae Joong asked. “Oh, the one that received the most favorite student artist of this exhibition right?”

Professor Kim narrowed her eyes at her younger brother, her right fingers massaging her temple. “You better get out of the institute’s premises as soon as possible before it’s getting impossible for you to do so.”

I sensed Kim Jae Joong getting tensed over the news brought by his older sister. His hand reached out for his mobile phone and he went off to communicate with his manager. I turned my attention back to the fuming Professor Kim; she raised her eyebrows at me.

I raised both of my hands, an act of surrendering. “I didn’t have anything to do with this. I didn’t even catch the name of the sudden guest star until I stand on stage to deliver the closing speech.”

“So that’s why your speech was jumbled.” Professor Kim shook her head. “Thankfully it seemed like no one noticed.”

Of course, who would spare me the attention when a famous star was present?

“I think I’ll leave right away,” Kim Jae joong said as he pocketed his mobile phone. “Hyung already got the car ready.”

“I’ll clear the way,” I nodded and made my way to the door barking some orders here and there through my handy-talkie.

The first one that I faced right when I opened the door was my roommates; she stood there with her rounded eyes. I had to shut the door quickly to block those prying eyes from taking a glimpse of Professor Kim’s office. I could imagine the upcoming news by tomorrow about the ‘Ice Queen’ and her ‘lover’. I didn’t think well enough under those watchful eyes earlier apparently to bring the famous star into professor’s office.

*******

For once I found myself relaxing a bit as the static buzz diminished from my earpiece. The last report that came in was about how the security guards successfully led the troupe out of the institute’s ground without any casualty, kudos for all the students and committee members who took part on securing the departure lane of the famous star.

“Great job everyone,” was my last words before I yanked the earpiece away while I slide down the wall with my back and seated myself on the cold floor. My sore leg didn’t hinder me from going back to the dorm, my insecurities did.

Now that the night has ended, so did my façade. As soon as I realized that I was freed from the responsibility and the eyes of the world, I gave myself up to my dark side. Entertaining my insecurities till it got fed up, hoping to get it flushed out from my entire system as soon as the gauge got filled to the brim.

I wasn’t a cool person to begin with although most of people perceived me to be. And to make it worst, I did play along with that image. It backfired. Childish as it may seem to run away from the source of the problem as an adult, but I felt so suffocated and disgusted with myself that I ended trudging the bus downtown. Perhaps a cold soju might freshen me up, that’s what people here do all the time to gulp down their sorrow so why couldn’t I do the same?

I lost track of how many bottles I gulped down, I have a vague memory of that night right after the second bottle given by the not-so-friendly ahjumma. It wasn’t the main point, because I happened to wake up inside a very familiar bedroom the very next day.

“You know there’s a saying when you look exactly like your passport photo-” an airy voice got caught into my ears; I had to rub my eyes and blink couple of times to see the owner of the voice. I saw Kim Jae Joong sat on the edge of the bed, his hands holding a familiar green book. My eyebrows furrowed and my body jumped a little when he suddenly moved and crawled closer to have the green book perfectly aligned right at my left side. He grinned when he said, “-the likelihood is that you need the holiday.”

[A/N]

Just how many of us really play along with the image that has been bestowed upon us that one day we wake up and realized that it has been nothing but a burden because people expect us to stay the same as what they had perceived us to be? Especially when you hate to let them down. I wish I realized it sooner that I'm not programmed to be a people pleaser all the time, then I won't be stuck like this: feeling guilty over expectations I couldn't reach.