When Jinki entered his home he was greeted by deafening silence which unnerved him a bit. He quickly threw his car keys on the surface of the entrance table and hurried upstairs, with quick, quiet but tentative steps to Hyeon’s room , hoping to find the 3 month old asleep in his crib. His footsteps echoed as he made his way down the hall, his heart palpitating with each stride. The door creaked from Jinki’s applied force and he entered the room only to be met by a vacant crib that was even void of his son’s favourite toys.

Beams of perspiration surfaced on Jinki’s forehead and in that moment Jinki’s throat constricted. In the next instant he was hurrying to the bedroom he shared with Kibum, only find it vacant and the bed also stripped of its sheets.

Jinki mind flooded with images of the unimaginable: Kibum’s lifeless body by the poolside, Kibum knocked out from a self-induced overdose or Hyeon’s little, fragile body floating about. Jinki’s world span wildly before his eyes. Those disturbing images did not calm him down in the least but aggravated his anxiety. He believed Kibum was getting better or probably he wanted to convince himself of that. He ran, his slender legs, full of spring, propelling him forward for time was of the essence. Soon the pool met his line of vision. The big pool, its shining blue water, calm and inviting yet undisturbed contrasted with Jinki’s current state.

A gush of wind sighed against his sweat-slicked face when he slid the glass door open to the patio.

“Kibum.” He exhaled. His breathing was uneven, ragged. Time froze when his eyes found Kibum lounging in one of the recliners by the floor with Hyeon cocooned in a blanket within the comfort of his arms. “Kibum.”

“Oh Jinki!” Kibum smiled, his voice just above a whisper. His eyes crinkled and his cheeks inflated from the grin. “He’s finally asleep. It was a tad boring inside.” He sighed and ran a finger across his son’s lip quite affectionately if Jinki observed correctly. It had been a while since Jinki had seen the other so relaxed which genuinely made calmed him down. He then was overcome by guilt for having entertained the disdainful images earlier. He just couldn’t help himself knowing that Kibum had been quite mentally unstable and resentful to their baby for the past few weeks.

Jinki sauntered over, bent down and played with Hyeon’s tiny fingers.

“He’s getting so big.” Kibum smiled again.

“Yeah, he’s precious.” Jinki added.

“I love you.”

Jinki turned and met Kibum’s gaze. Kibum’s black orbs looked back at his. They were clouded with uncertainty, flooded with longing yet burning with hope. His face held so many emotions. His forehead creased from worry, and the dark circles under his eyes from stressful period he’s been experiencing. Jinki saw his pain and tried to be understanding.

“I love you more.” Jinki leaned over and kissed him. Kibum responded eagerly to the kiss, darting his tongue in Jinki’s mouth in hopes of prolonging the passion it evoked between them.

“I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” Jinki agreed and gently removed Hyeon’s sleeping form from Kibum’s hold. “Let’s get him inside, it’s cold out here.”

***

After Jinki had placed Hyeon in his crib and started a bath for Kibum, he sought some alone time in his office. It was becoming unbearable. He couldn’t see himself doing this for another week, that is, practically slaving himself at work each day for 8 hours, hurrying home to see that his husband hadn’t harm himself or their young son and forcing himself to sleep at night.

When he replaced the receiver, he wondered if he’d made the right decision or if he was just being impulsive. It had been three months, three months since Kibum had given birth and still continued to suffer from postpartum depression. When he found out initially, he was heartbroken because Kibum refused to bond with the miracle they created, the little human that grew inside of him for eight months. Jinki tried to be there for his husband as much as possible during Kibum’s terrifying pregnancy. He really did. However, Kibum had come a long way, Jinki noted. He was trying to establish a relationship with his newborn and was no longer hysterical when Hyeon cried and he was smiling more often recently.

Jinki’s mind returned to the phone call. He hadn’t sought Kibum’s input in the matter and his decision to disregard the other’s opinion bothered him. Of course decisions that concerned them both as a couple had to be discussed between the two of them since that was one aspect that constituted their marriage. But he felt that it was a decision that needed to be made on his own.

***

Kibum took a deep breath. He inhaled all the sighs of the world in that one breath and exhaled. He planted his right foot first then the left, closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip nervously. The sound of the scale reacting from the pressure of his body filled his ears as it worked to determine his body weight. The sound stopped as abruptly as it had started and Kibum looked down only to be disappointment once again. He gained three pounds that month having lost 4 pounds the previous month.

“!” The weight gain defeated his previous weight loss and now his target eight required even more work, a more intense regime. 143 pounds was too much. He needed to be 130.