Chapter 10: Decisions, Decisions

Late Spring

I’d stayed at the Oh’s comforting Mrs. Oh and SooMin and offering a listening ear as the Oh men discussed their options. We sipped tea and talked late into the night.

Finally, in the early hours of the morning, with everyone calmer and finally falling into much needed sleep, I decided to make my way home.

I walked to my bathroom to get ready for bed.

My head still realed from the news I’d heard over at the Oh’s, but I also knew I had an important decision to make before I fell asleep.

MinHo had sent me a text asking to meet me later this afternoon on our usual path in the park--the same park I’d prevented him from confessing to me in before his trip.

I knew what was coming and now that MinHo was back there was no more avoiding the situation. I’d have to make a decision. And although my heart already knew its choice, my brain wanted to work it out for itself.

As I washed my face I thought: What an easy life I’ll have if I say yes to him—lots of friends and social connections, no need to work, new clothes from the best stores, all sorts of time and money for different pleasures! How much I’d enjoy that life of luxury!

For a moment I let my thoughts revel in the luxurious future with MinHo my hyper imagination created for us. It was a very bright picture, but something was wrong with it. I sighed and shook the dream from my mind.

“I just can’t accept him! I don’t return his feelings. It’d be a lie to him and to myself if I said otherwise.”

What if years from now I came to regret rejecting him? Or what if a few months from now I changed my mind? What if MinHo was the only man who would ever love me? I mean there was SeHun. . .but there was no guarantee he’d ever return my feelings for him. But MinHo. . .his feelings for me were certain and maybe I could learn to love him with time. . .

“No!” I declared to my reflection. “I don’t think I could ever think of him as anything more than a friend. He’s kind, generous, patient, and smart and I know he’d be good to me, but somehow, I just can’t imagine being with him.”

I grabbed my toothbrush and began to gently scrub as my mind continued to churn over the matter. Through the lather, I continued to talk to my reflection.

“Kimberly is right: we are too similar in temperament that I think we’d get tired of each other and start fighting all the time. Then we’d both be miserable and full of regret and pain. Then what would I do? I can’t lose my friend.” I turned the faucet knob as I leaned over to spit then rinse the foam from my mouth. Then in a clear voice out popped the declaration: “No, no, I could never care for him that way, and it’s no use trying!”

The exclamation broke from me with such unexpectedness that I had to sit on the tile before I fell over. I sat motionless for many minutes. I was only vaguely aware of the water I had left running in the sink.

When I finally stood up and looked in the mirror I wore an expression which I had never seen on myself before. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot from all the crying I had been doing earlier at the Oh’s and since I’d gotten home. My jaw stood firm and resolute in my decision.

From time to time as I lay in bed trying to sleep, a tear would gather under my lashes and roll down my cheek to stain my pillowcase. I cried for the words I’d have to tell MinHo later, but mostly I cried because of the sad little romance I kept hidden away in my heart, for a troubled boy I loved desperately but wasn’t supposed to.

I woke late the next morning. My eyes were puffy. My body ached from sleeping so stiffly. But my decision was still the same. And even more than that, inspite of the hurt I knew it’d cause both of it felt like the best thing to do.

I showered, dressed, and prepared myself for the situation to come.

“Him,” I told myself in the mirror. “Strength, HyeYeong. You can do this.”

I met MinHo at the entrance to the park as he requested. As we walked he talked about his business trip until we turned from the main promenade to a narrow path that led to a small grove within the park. His pace began to slow as did the flow of his speech.

To rescue the conversation from the wells of silence it kept falling into I said, “And now that you’re back from your long trip you should enjoy a nice vacation.”

“I intend to,” was his reply.

Something in his tone made me look up quickly at him. I saw him looking down on me with a look that assured me the moment I had been dreading was here.

I put out my hand and implored, “MinHo, please don’t.”

“I will, and you must listen. It’s no use NOT talking about it. We’ve got to put it out there and the sooner the better for both of us. Now you must listen because I can’t go on in silence like this any longer,” he answered getting flushed and excited.

“Say what you want then. I’ll listen,” my voice came out timid. Him, I repeated again, strength.

“I’ve admired you ever since you the sled accident when I needed stitches and you stayed with me. Then when you came back to the city this fall all grown up and beautiful and still just as sweet and sincere as you were as a child, and as the months have passed I’ve realized that my admiration has grown to love,” I barely heard the last word because