I don’t pay attention to days or weeks or months or years anymore. I’ve watched you grow up, turning from an awkward preteen into a beautiful young woman. I’ve been here for every happiness and pain you have felt. I was there when your grandmother died. I was there when you had your first kiss. I was there when you had your heart broken for the first time. I held you every time you cried and felt alone, even if you didn’t know I was there.

For awhile I thought I was blessed to have my last wish answered. I got to still be with you through everything. You couldn’t see me or feel me, but I was there. As time went by, I realized it was also a curse. I wanted you to see me, to feel me. I wanted you to know there was someone who loved you unconditionally.

You’ve grown up now. You’ve graduated college, gotten a job, moved into your own apartment. It isn’t the nicest place on earth, but its cozy for you. It is in this little apartment that cry during your dramas, sleep less than you should, and dream your brightest dreams.

You sat on your couch, curled up against a stuffed bear. Even in your sweatpants with your hair pulled back and no make up on you looked beautiful. You were watching a drama. It was one that you had seen before, and was one of your favorites. I didn’t understand why. It makes you cry so much, but you like it anyway.

I moved so that I was sitting in the same spot as the bear. Even if you weren’t aware of my presence, to me it felt like I was holding you. You were crying over a drama, but why does it make my heart hurt so much to see you cry? Moments like these I wished more than anything to not be a ghost. To be a normal, living boy again. Maybe then you would see me. Maybe then I could hold you for real. Maybe then you would know how much I love you.

The episode came to an end as you reached for another tissue to wipe your eyes. You are so beautiful when you cry. Your eyes sparkle more than usual and your nose turns an adorable shade of pink. You get cuddly and clingy. That is probably the only part I like about you crying, and that I am the only one to see you this way.

“Stupid writers!” You whined at the television. “How could you do that! That isn’t really him, you just want us to think it is! It isn’t the same as them really being together.” You pouted at it, causing me to smile. You were so passionate about things like this. It is endearing.

You got up from the couch, taking the bowl that had previously held popcorn to the sink and beginning to wash it out. I stood behind you, back hugging you. Another moment I wish you were aware of.

“Why am I like this?” You said quietly as you dabbed at your eyes. You hate crying yet you put yourself into situations that you’ll cry in. You are full of contradictions like this. After all this time I still don’t understand them all. That is probably why I love you so much. There is always something new for me to discover.

You turned to look at the clock and sighed. It was late. You went to the bathroom, once of the few places I didn’t follow you. Even though you wouldn’t be aware of me following you, it didn’t feel right to invade your privacy like that. I could hear the sink running, and soon the sounds you brushing your teeth. I wondered what it would be like to stand next you and brush our teeth together. I smiled at the thought.

When you came out, you looked exhausted. You must have worn yourself out with all that crying. You climbed into bed after hitting off the light. You plugged your phone in to charge and set it on the nightstand next to the bed. You then turned over to face me.

I reached up to touch your face. No matter how many times I tried, you still couldn’t feel me. I couldn’t truly touch you either. I could feel the touch, but you couldn’t. Your face was still a little damp from crying so much. I shifted closer to you, hugging you into my chest. Or rather adjusting myself so that it felt like you were cuddled into my chest. You fell asleep quickly, and so did I, if ghosts can sleep that is.

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The next morning came too soon. You made a whiny sound at your alarm for going off already. You got up nonetheless. You had work today, and you couldn’t get out of that just because you were tired from staying up too late watching a drama. You showered, dressed, and quickly grabbed breakfast.

You rushed out the door to the school. You teach English and Japanese. Your language skills are impressive to many people, including me. Your brain picks up on languages easily. I’m convinced that you could spend a few years in any country and pick up the language easily. I envy that about you.

I followed you as usual. What else do I have to do as a ghost? Watching you teach made me happy. I like to think that I learn from you too. You are so patient with your students and you make learning enjoyable for them.

When your classes finally ended, you still had a free period left before going home. You pulled out the stack of tests that you had given out this morning and started working on them. The grading didn’t take you very long so you managed to finish before leaving for the evening. You packed up your things before heading out to catch the bus home.

You made it to the street just as the ‘do not walk sign’ started blinking. You could see the bus coming behind you so you rushed to run across the street. I ran as well. I don’t know why. I could walk through the middle of traffic and be fine. I beat you across the street and waited for you to show up at my side. When you didn’t, I turned to find you.

My heart stopped, figuratively of course.

You were lying in the middle of the crosswalk. A car and turned the corner without seeing you and hit you. I hurried over to you, crouching down to see how badly you were hurt. People began to crowd around as well. The driver quickly called for an ambulance. One of the people in the crowd came up and tried to talk to you but you weren’t responding. I have never been so scared in my life.

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When you woke up, you looked around the room confused. It took you a moment to realize you were in a hospital. Your parents had stepped out for a few minutes get something to eat. They had quickly made their way to the emergency room when the hospital called them about your accident. It had been a few days since you arrived here. You had hit your head in the accident and the docters were unsure about when you would wake up.

I sat up in my chair as you looked around. I was used to reacting to you, even if you never knew I was there. But this time something was different. Your head turned in my direction, your eyes meeting mine. For a second I thought you were just scanning the room, but your eyes didn’t leave mine. You were definitely looking at me. We stared at each other for what felt like hours before you spoke.

“Who are you?”