There were times when Jessica felt like she wasn’t living this life she had chosen. Like this was the real her, the true life she had, which she didn’t want to let go.

And that time would come when Tiffany gave her the beautiful smile that could light up the whole world like those songs tell. And it would last even longer when Tiffany took her hand by the wrist and pulled her for a tight, warm hug.

Every time it happened, Jessica would close her eyes and those images of her dark past that haunted her would fade for a moment. For once, she wouldn’t see it flashing on the back of her eyelashes. All she could see was Tiffany’s smile instead. And she wondered, could she let her little girl go after the countdown ends?

Jessica felt her breath ragged at the thoughts again. Her chest became heavy, her fists clenching, her lips pursing. The dim light inside her own room made her unable to see what was around her. Her focus was on the world outside through the window. She couldn’t sleep that night. Not before she accidentally landed her eyes on her calendar and realized there was no much time left.

It was confusing back then. Everybody knew Jessica wasn’t an angel. She was a mere human, just like the rest of them. Weak, helpless, and hopeless. They knew, they definitely knew. So Jessica, again, couldn’t help but wonder why in the world did they act like they didn’t?

Slowly, Jessica brought her hand to the window, pressed her palm against the cold glass. She closed her eyes. And without Tiffany by her side, without the girl holding her, she could already tell what she was going to see in the darkness behind her eyelashes.

It was a blur yet it was clear enough. It was like a small part of a terrifying movie that refused to be stopped playing. It kept going over and over. Haunting Jessica for her whole life, never once it left Jessica’s memory. And it wasn’t like Jessica wanted it either. Who would want to be reminded of their dark past anyway?

She tried, she swore to God she tried to forget it. What effort didn’t she do to make it slip away from her mind? How many times did she have to hug herself inside her room, endlessly crying just because of this? She was a human. She had a heart. And finally, as the time went by so quickly, she painfully understood why they acted like Jessica didn’t have one.

Because they didn’t want that. They wanted the heartless Jessica. Simply because she didn’t need such thing as heart. In this life, the purpose of it, a heart was unnecessary. And Jessica was the only one who wasn’t allowed to have a heart. Because, then again, in the end, she would be the one who got hurt if she had one.

It was too complicated. Even complicated wasn’t enough to describe her situation anymore. She then leaned forward, her forehead on the window, and sighed deeply. Times like this reminded her of how she needed Tiffany. To at least, stay beside her and hold her hand, or even smile at her with those pair of beautiful eyes.

But she couldn’t be selfish. She could never appear weak in front of the girl. It was the rule, the consequence, and now, her nature.

Taking off her annoying earphone and threw it carelessly, she hung her head low and let her tears flowing out of her brown eyes. That was what they meant. Nobody needed to know Jessica’s pain. Nobody needed to care. Let Jessica had it for herself. She could cry her heart out as long as nobody knew.

The closer she got to the end of the countdown, the more hurt she became. And it was strange. Because like what Kim said, she should’ve been glad instead.

Once upon a time in Jessica’s life, she wanted to stop the time.

-

Jessica’s head was dizzy when she woke up, kind of late in the morning. She freaked out for a second seeing Tiffany’s empty bedroom but then Kim called, through the abandoned earphone, telling her that the girl was out for a jog with some friends, since it was Sunday. Jessica was relieved. At least Tiffany didn’t have to see her like this.

It was obvious that she had been crying.

After slightly washed her face, making sure her eyes didn’t look that swollen, she went downstairs to drink some water. felt so dry. She opened the fridge and as soon as her hand reached a water bottle, she drank it right away.

Suddenly she heard the front door opened. It was Tiffany.

“Oh hi, Jessi! You’re awake!”

Jessica frowned as she wiped her wet lips. She was about to ask, didn’t you go for a jog, because Tiffany didn’t look sweaty at all, but she quickly realized Tiffany wasn’t supposed to know that she knew. So she only blinked a few times, feeling her eyes hurt a little every time she did that. She silently hoped Tiffany wouldn’t notice her slightly red eyes.

“Where were you?” Jessica asked, her voice hoarse.

Tiffany snatched the bottle from Jessica’s hand and said before she took her turn to drink it, “I went jogging with my friends. Well, not exactly a jog but a walk instead. I’m like you, I don’t like running even though just mere jogging.”

“You should’ve woken me.”

“I was about to.” Tiffany put the bottle down onto the dining table, “But you looked… tired. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Oh, did I?” Jessica raised her eyebrows.

“In fact, you still do.” Tiffany turned serious, “You look tired, Jessi. Look at those eye bags.”

Jessica turned to her side, avoiding Tiffany’s gaze, “Well, I…”

She then silenced as she felt Tiffany’s hands massaging her shoulders. Jessica exhaled and closed her eyes. Tiffany was right. She was indeed tired.

“Take some rest, will you?” Tiffany whispered from behind, “I know you’re busy but don’t overdo it.”

A nod, “Will do.” She then turned around, “By the way, do you have a plan today?”

Tiffany shook her head, “No, why?”

Jessica smiled, “How about going to the beach with me?”

“Oh!” The girl’s eyes lit up, “Beach! Yay! That’s a great idea! Let’s go, Jessi!”

“Good. I’ve been feeling not good lately. I need some fresh air. Now, prepare yourself. I’ll be waiting.”

Tiffany gave her a thumb up before she ran to upstairs, to her room. Jessica eyed her with a sigh. She then massaged her own shoulder as she walked away from the kitchen. She definitely needed a break. Maybe beach was a good idea. They hadn’t been there for quite long now. Well, everything was good if Tiffany was by her side, anyway.

-

“But, Jessi--”

“I said no, Fany. No means no.”

Jessica raised her index finger, pointing at the girl who was whining in front of her, her other hand on her hip. They were already in the beach, which was pretty crowded. When Tiffany said she wanted to swim, Jessica only nodded. But she didn’t know Tiffany brought that y pink swimsuit and as she came out wearing it, Jessica said no immediately.

“Why?!” Tiffany stomped her foot, “You said I can swim!”

“It’s too revealing, can’t you see?” Jessica gave her an irritated look.

“It’s not! Beside, you bought it for me!”

“I did, but only for you to swim at home, Fany. Now, take that off. No swimming today.”

“Jessi--”

“I said take that off.” Jessica raised her index finger again, “Do it, or we’re going home now.”

Tiffany was about to argue, before she closed again because Jessica started to look scary. And it was embarrassing being scolded by your sister in the middle of the crowd. Jessica crossed her arms and looked around her, making sure no one was looking at them because of Tiffany’s swimsuit.

Suddenly Tiffany had another idea. She moved closer to Jessica and grasped her left shoulder,

“Jessi, rather than going home or me taking this off,” She whispered, “I think it’s better if we swim together.”

Jessica frowned, “I don’t swim in public places.”

“Well, you can just accompany me! You know, to keep those dirty eyes off of me.”

“Which is why you should--”

“Please?” Tiffany pressed her finger onto Jessica’s lips, “I really want to swim. With you around, I’m sure nobody dares approaching me.”

That’s true. When Jessica was around, everyone who tried to stay close to Tiffany would be given a death glare from the former. Sometimes it annoyed Tiffany, but sometimes it was an advantage, just like the situation at the moment. Jessica let out a breath and half-heartedly nodded. Little did she knows, Tiffany dragged her by the wrist and as the not-quite-harsh wave hit her feet, she let out a hiss.

“I’m not going to swim, alright? You go swim, I’ll watch from here.”

“Got it! Don’t go anywhere!”

Jessica nodded and Tiffany started swimming, “Be careful!”

Tiffany gave her an OK sign and Jessica watched her from afar. She rolled her not-too-short shorts up until above her knees because she didn’t want it to get wet. Without taking her eyes off of the girl, she walked, followed to everywhere Tiffany moved. At least Tiffany was a decent swimmer. Having a swimming pool in the house was quite an advantage.

After minutes passed, Jessica slowly relaxed her shoulders. Everything was okay. She didn’t need to worry much. Tiffany would be fine and--

The thoughts quickly vanished as she caught a sight of a young boy approaching Tiffany. No, that can’t be.

-

“He was nice, though…”

Jessica scoffed at Tiffany’s mumble but decided to ignore it for the moment. The girl had been grumpy since the older dragged her away from the water just because there was a boy asking what her name was. Well, it wasn’t actually just because but Tiffany still wanted to swim. Too bad Jessica was stubborn. Tiffany had to stop.

They were sitting on the sand, under a tree. Tiffany sat in between Jessica’s legs while the latter was busy drying the girl’s hair with the towel. After she took a bath, Tiffany had insisted Jessica not to help because it’s embarrassing. But Jessica was still Jessica. She dried Tiffany’s hair as if the girl was a kid.

“How do you call a person ‘nice’ after meeting him just once.” Jessica said from behind with gritting her teeth.

“Okay, correction,” Tiffany sighed, “he looked nice.”

“You don’t judge people by their looks.”

“Alright, can we stop? It’s not like I’m going to meet him again.” She then reached Jessica’s hand, “You can stop now. I want to lay my head.”

“Okay.”

Jessica stopped what she was doing and let the towel hanging around Tiffany’s neck. The girl then fixed her position, still in between Jessica’s legs, her head now resting on Jessica’s shoulder. Meanwhile Jessica had her back on the tree that protected them from the sunlight and her right arm holding Tiffany.

“Are you hungry? I brought lunch.”

Tiffany shook her head, “Not really. Can we stay like this for a while?”

“Sure.”

They stayed like that in silence. Jessica tightened her hold and breathed in Tiffany’s scent mixed with her shampoo. She liked that. The idea of going to the beach wasn’t bad either. At least they could have each other for a day.

“Jessi?” Tiffany suddenly started.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What did Mom and Dad look like?”

Jessica’s eyes widened at the question. She felt her breath hitch and her whole body tense. No, not that kind of question. She hated it. Simply because she didn’t know what to answer. She knew, but she didn’t want to lie. She started running out of ideas. Lying over and over surely drained her thoughts. And what if she couldn’t keep up with those lies she had uttered? How if she couldn’t remember the lies she told Tiffany years ago?

“Jessi?” Tiffany turned her head slightly, “Why don’t you talk?”

“Uh…” Jessica looked somewhere else, biting her lip, “they looked like… us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Even though we don’t really look alike but… they looked like us.”

Tiffany nodded her head, “I never met them but I miss them. Is that strange?”

No, it’s not.

With a smile, Jessica intertwined their hands and kissed Tiffany’s temple. It really isn’t strange. Jessica had those feelings too, sometimes. Even though her case was different from Tiffany’s, she perfectly knew how it felt like missing the two important people in her life, her parents. Her late parents.

“I miss them too.” Jessica closed her eyes, “So much.”

Another silence fell as Jessica had to fight herself not to let the image of her late parents, smiling at her, popping inside her head.

“It must be exhausting for you taking care of me by yourself…”

Jessica opened her eyes, “Hmm? What are you talking about?”

“Without Mom and Dad, just you and me, you’re tired, right? I’m much younger than you, so you had to take all the responsibilities. And you can’t even get married because I still can’t do anything without you.” Tiffany bitterly laughed, “It’s exhausting, isn’t it?”

Again, no, it’s not.

Jessica wouldn’t say taking care of Tiffany didn’t exhaust her. It did. As a matter of fact, it definitely did. She gave Tiffany her everything. Her time, her money, her attention, everything she had. But then again, it’s just what she does. And as tired as Jessica was, she wouldn’t say she was exhausted.

“No…” Jessica pulled Tiffany closer and wrapped both her arms around the girl, “what makes you think like that?”

Tiffany didn’t answer. She buried her face on Jessica’s neck with a muffled sigh.

“It’s not like I’m forced to do it. I want to take care of you, Fany. You’re all I have. And I don’t mind sticking with you until the day…” Jessica hesitated.

The countdown ends.

“The day you can live on your own.”

The girl then lifted her head a kissed Jessica’s cheek, “Thank you. You’re all I have too, Jessi.”

Jessica nodded her head with another smile.

“By the way,” Tiffany fixed her position again, facing the front this time, leaning her back onto Jessica, “where are we going this winter?”

Jessica’s smile faded in an instant.

“I miss the snow already. Wait, where did we go last winter… ah! We went to Sapporo and it was beautiful! But I want to go somewhere else this winter. Where should we go? Do you have any idea?”

Hanging on the last straw of her self-control not to burst her anger, Jessica closed her eyes and held Tiffany even tighter. She couldn’t help it. How could she think of winter when all in her mind was the damn countdown? Winter was far away after the countdown ends! She didn’t have time to think about that anymore.

You have no idea… you have no idea…

“We’re going far away from here.” Jessica said, mostly to herself as a promise, “Far, far away… only the two of us. And we-- we’ll spend our winter there, together…”

“Sounds cool!” Tiffany grinned, clearly didn’t notice Jessica’s shaky voice, “Promise?” She then shoved Jessica her pinkie.

Jessica faked a smile, “Promised.”

As their pinkies hooked, Tiffany let out a giggle and it jabbed Jessica, right on her chest. When Tiffany turned her head away, Jessica pursed her lips and shut her eyes tight, really tight. She should keep it. The promise she made, she could keep it. She had to. She definitely would.

So she leaned her head onto Tiffany’s, decided to forget about the countdown for a while as she savoured her time with the girl. Because it might be the last, who knows?

Jessica flinched.

Once upon a time in her life, Jessica wanted to be what Tiffany wanted her to be.

****

I listened to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQzI9Y6WPrE a lot while writing this chap. The song's just too good.

And... happy birthday Yoong <3