Author’s note: Hey there. I realized my story has been so confusing so I’m giving a little review of the story.

Taeyeon didn’t have any friend in her past school since she’s not the ‘active’ type. Then she moved to Seoul together with her family. Her father was very busy (you could see by how Taeyeon always asked where he is but he was never there). Her mother had some problems and stress after they moved (that’s why she’s so cold to Taeyeon). Taeyeon understood it and tried not to mind it. In her new school, she met with EunRa, the class president. EunRa soon became friends with Taeyeon. But the 3 ‘rulers’ of the school despised Taeyeon and they wanted to kick her out. They thought that EunRa would be on their side, but turns out EunRa backed Taeyeon. The 3 girls decided to change their plans by attacking EunRa first, and make EunRa regret her decision. Before that, they approached Taeyeon and threated her. Their plan achieved a success when Taeyeon ran away from EunRa. EunRa felt betrayed, since she backed for Taeyeon but Taeyeon didn’t do the same. EunRa didn’t know that the 3 girls threated Taeyeon before. This resulted to Taeyeon getting bullied, while EunRa decided to abandon her and stayed at the same side as the 3 girls.

Thank you!

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Here's Taeyeon's song to keep up with the mood of the story. I listen to this song while typing it ^^ It's your choice to listen to it or not but I really love the songs here. Credit to the maker of the compilation.

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After a few minutes, Taeyeon wiped her tears slowly. She stood up from the ground and walked to the class. Her steps were full of doubts. There’s this tiny feeling choking her neck, demanding her to run away.

But she let it tie. She let the pain strangle her as she walked closer to the classroom. She started seeing visions how the class will look. Predictions, conjectures, and all things started creeping her mind. She could see that they probably would do the same thing they did to EunRa, and ‘those’ students.

 

And she was right.

When Taeyeon opened the door, everyone stared at her with so much disgust. There were so much hate in their eyes. She tried not to look at it, but the cold stare were everywhere. They were surrounding her like wolves at night. And she was just another easy prey.

Taeyeon tried to avoid eye contact by bowing down her head and went straight to her seat. She walked pass some students, only realizing that their eyes were following her behind. Time felt like it slowed down a pace. She felt that breathing was close to impossible, that the weight of pressure in her lungs were too much.

She just wanted to arrive at her seat as fast as she can. But what to expect?

Of course her seat wasn’t there.

Taeyeon froze as she saw how dirty her place were from afar. She rushed to it, which made her accidentally bump some tables. It hit directly to her leg, causing the table to shift places. The ‘owner’ of those tables immediately raised her head as she looked down on Taeyeon.

“Ya! What are you doing?!”

Taeyeon panicked. She said sorry, bowed continuously, then stood back up. She was just about to continue her walk, but she realized they just can’t accept that ‘sorry’.

“What a bluff.” They said.

Taeyeon’s steps suddenly got weaker and weaker. She wanted to say ‘sorry’ again but no one would’ve cared. And she couldn’t just turn around, realizing how poor the state of her ‘seat’.

 

Not only her chair, but her table were nowhere to be found. They threw ‘dirt’ all over the floor of her space, and her exam sheets were torn apart everywhere. Taeyeon stood speechlessly at the scene. Her head was spinning around. The wind coming from the open window next to her only made it worst.

 

She didn’t know what to do.

All she wanted to do is just cry.

No, maybe to just run away again.

Or if possible, just disappear! Just, literally disappear…

 

That moment Taeyeon wished people would forget her existence, then just act like nothing happened.

 

Suddenly she felt a hard stab inside her heart. Not only once, not only twice. Her stomach started grumbling in frustration. were soared. Because around her was only hatred. And deep inside was the lurking guilt. There were nowhere to go, nowhere to escape.

 

Then suddenly the teacher busted in. He slammed the door loud enough for the student to notice.

“Hey! What are you guys doing?! Back to your seats!”

Everyone ran to their own seats, except for Taeyeon. Well she didn’t have a seat to begin with.

“Taeyeon! What are you doing just standing there?! Where’s your seat?!” The teacher said to her.

All the students turned and looked at Taeyeon. She felt a sting on her body, as if their eyes where pricking everywhere. She gathered all her courage to forget about it and answer the teacher. Even if she didn’t even know what to answer.

“I…, I don’t know where’s my seat.” She said, still having a hard time to look straight to the eyes.

The teacher shook his head angrily.

“And so? Is that MY problem? Can’t you do something about it?!”

 

That felt sharp for her.

 

“But…, I really don’t know where’s my seat…”

“So? Are you asking me to find it for you?” The teacher cared less for her. Just the same as the students. Taeyeon wanted to burst in tears but she held back. Instead, she replied silently.

 

“No…,”

A second of silence, then the teacher slammed his book to the table.

“Then shut up! You can seat on the floor, right? You’re filthy anyway! Know your place!”

This time, Taeyeon felt that the teacher were slightly out of control. How can a teacher say such things? Everyone were just chuckling and giggling listening to the teacher’s command. Their eyes went up and their smile widened. Taeyeon could only bow down in shame and sat on the floor. Right on top of the ‘bad stuff’ they placed.

 

She felt sick. She felt really really sick. She felt like puking. Now she could see herself starting to disgust the odourless smell and the speechless voices. How things were made up out of nothing.

But she couldn’t hate how people tried to act innocent. They were victims, she assumed.

She tried not to hate anything.

But she just…, disgust it.

 

She disgust herself even more.

“Coward.” “B****.” “such a Sl**.” “She shouldn’t have come.”

All the labels were there. Taeyeon was just another mannequin used to hang up those words. When words were not enough, they went to action. They dirtied her space, making a delusion of their own.

It wasn’t long until she found out that her table were dirtied too, and were ‘thrown’ outside the window. How? Well the students were used to throwing useless stuff outside. Moreover, they were only on the second floor. What can’t they kick away?

Tables, chairs, exam sheets, even her bags. Her meals were stolen and thrown to the rubbish bin. Some boys even pulled her hair tie, didn’t care if her hair were pulled out too. The girls weren’t that harsh. They just send ‘STAY AWAY’ letters and mess up on her daily routine.

What?

Was it all?

Was it really all?

They did many things. Substantively for what?!

 

It was just to satisfy the 3 girls. They were grinning, looking how successful their plan was. Now all that’s left was to wait for Taeyeon to get sick of it and go away from the school. EunRa was no longer part of their plan. She escaped safely. And that only made people believe that being on their sides were right, even though it was wrong.

 

Taeyeon was sick of that. That whole day, she couldn’t concentrate at all. She managed to get her tables and chairs, but she still couldn’t listen. Her eyes were listening to other voices.It can come from the one sitting in front her, next to her, or even from the front rows. Moreover, the teacher kept finding her mistake, even the slightest one.

When the lessons ended, she finally puked out everything. Her so-little meal were thrown out. She could feel her body getting weaker. She coughed multiple times before finally escaping that ‘hell’.

But the hell was like a bottomless pit. On her way home, she eventually met some students on the train. They treated Taeyeon’s existence like a virus. A few of them instantly moved away. But a few stayed to make fun of her.

“Hey new student! How’s school??”

Taeyeon still bowed her head, not having the courage to reply.

“Answer me! Is this what you always give to people? That innocent look in your face?? Can’t you realize that it’s useless?!”

Taeyeon still shut .

“Ya! ANSWER ME! EunRa was really kind to you! She even shout out when you were too shy to introduce yourself! And now you trap her??”

Taeyeon’s eyes started shaking. Her lips were trembling, but she still tried to open up.

“No…,”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY NO?! Shut the crap!! EunRa will never go to ‘dark places’ at the middle at the night! You must’ve acted like her and edited the video to make us believe that it was her! YOU…,”

Her words were cut off when she realized that some people started looking at them. Her friend also approached her and took her away from Taeyeon.

Taeyeon’s tears were unbearable. She wanted to shout really loud, telling them the truth. But it was too late. No one would listen! No one would care! She could only stand by herself, finding the scars that were left, and just let the eyes judge.

“Did you hear that?”

“Yeah…, I know right. Did she really do that?”

“Really… What a shame.”

Those sharp comments were still binding her. It was like a ghost at daylight. Haunting you all the time. She tried to close her face, making her look more like the ‘culprit’. But she was just afraid. She was drowning in her own fear. Getting chased by her own visions.

She walked hopelessly home. The tears made her eyes red. Her steps were too slow. Because she felt her legs were really sworn out.

She finally arrived at the doors. She pressed the codes and went inside. She immediately ran to her room, then started sobbing. She hid herself inside the blanket so her cry would be another ‘silence’.

“No… I don’t want it…. I don’t want this at all…

This is not what I wanted.

I just wanted things that all students usually want.

A peaceful life in school.

Going to school, sitting on those chairs, talk about things that happen last night, then complain about how hard the lessons were.

And then go home, together with a friend.

Now, I felt like there’s no more reason for me to live….

Oh, someone… Just give me that one reason to breath, then I’ll treasure it completely.”

Her mind repeated a never-ending story. The story about her life. She was the actor. But she wasn’t the author.

‘They’ were.

---

“That’s when I start listening to voices that doesn’t exist. Answering questions that were never asked.”

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“Taeyeon, why are you still alive?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Oh, come on. Today was just another fragment of your whole journey. Don’t you understand?”

“I understand it completely…”

“Then why? Why are you still trying to get out of your hiding place? If you’re not brave enough to show it to others, then why not just die?”

“No, or else…”

“Or else your mother will be sad? You think she cared about you?”

Taeyeon burst into tears again. Those voices kept creeping out, trapping her in a space she made by herself. Making her feel worse and worst.

Then finally her mother knocked her room.

“Taeyeon? Why are you locking the door?”

Taeyeon’s hope raised for a second. She was about to run to her mom and cry as much as she can, but the voices were back.

“You think she cared about you?”

Taeyeon’s steps were held back immediately. She cleared her eyes before opening the door. But her mother could see her useless effort.

“Why are you crying?? Did something happen at school??”

Taeyeon shook her head while trying to hold the tears. Her face shrink. Finally she opened and cried loudly. Making her mother more and more confused.

“Taeyeon?! Why are you- never mind. Come on, let’s wipe those tears.”

Her mother grabbed Taeyeon’s wrist. The voices were lurking not only to her mind, but to her actions.

Taeyeon flicked her hands. She threw her mother’s grip. Her mother was utterly shocked.

Taeyeon moved back slowly, step by step. Her eyes were restless as she lifted up her hands. Now she felt guiltier.

“No… No, mom. I’m…, I’m sorry.” She said, looking up at her mom. “Please… Please just go, mom.”

After she said that, she could see the disappointed and sadden face her mother made. Her mother was surprised, she wasn’t expecting this side of Taeyeon.

Well it was just a disappointment.

But in her eye, she only saw disgust. Her mind was already full of it.

 

Her mother left without saying goodbye. After her mother left the room, Taeyeon crouched near the bed. She bit her lips so hard. Clenching her teeth, full of regret.

“Taeyeon. You are so so stupid! Why did you do that?!” She said to herself.

She knocked her head multiple times while repeating the word ‘Stupid!’, ‘Stupid!’. After that plainly stupid action, she cried again.

And every time she closed her eyes, she remembered what happened that day. She remembered how everyone looked at her. Those face showing signs of aversion. She remembered what they talked behind her back. She just remembered all the simple details of her memory.

Those were the start of her nightmares.

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As days continue to flow, nothing seemed to change. Taeyeon experienced those slur and insult. She had to clean her seat every time she arrive at school. She had to listen to the teacher even though she didn’t want to. She had to eat secretly so they won’t steal it from her. She had to pretend sleeping on recess. She had to hide her exams paper. She had to hug her bag tightly so they won’t take it. She had to be aware of her steps so she won’t bump into people. She had to endure the jibe people say on the train.

The week passed with those sickening routines. As soon as she arrive home, she would lock herself. She would cry to her sleep. And there were even times she would scratch herself. The pain was no longer than if she kept remembering her condition. The red bruise would be gone by itself as night comes. Her teary eyes would disappear the next day. And locking herself in the room wasn’t for a whole day.

Those efforts were useless. It never really wiped out her pain. The whole week was just like that.

And now, she found herself sitting alone in her room. Near the bed, she crouched again. But her head was lifted up.

She let a few silent tears fall down her cheek. Her mind went blank. She just stared into space as no one can hear her. That moment, she started thinking.

Thinking of all things she endured. The spits they gave her, how none pitied the way she looked.

And now she overthought it.

Taeyeon couldn’t find herself thinking straight any more. She just can’t. She felt like her mind was in a labyrinth, where there’s no way out. The maze only led her to more pain. Everytime she looked back the path she went through, she could see everything that she faced. Then now, she started thinking every little thing that went wrong.

Taeyeon can’t control herself. She started to let out a few sobs. She covered , so no one will hear her. But she just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

 

Taeyeon let it out, everything that she bottled up inside. The sobs turned into small screams of pain, the ones that she kept in for so long.

 

“How to make it go away?”

 

But nothing really came in her mind. Until, the one thing she used to fear the most appeared in front of her eyes.

It was just a plain scissors.

Self-harm? Well, she heard that people always do it to let go of their pain….

Will it really work? She kept doubting and doubting. Her hands were shaking together with her weary eyes.

 

But then her mind wasn’t the one thinking. It was her hands.

Slowly, Taeyeon took that scissors.

She held it on her hands, fiddled it around. She wasn’t sure to do it or not. She knew that it will hurt. But…, will the pain be worth it?

Will the pain make her forget of all the things she went through?

 

Slowly, Taeyeon brought the weapon to her skin, near the palm of her hand. She just couldn’t think that straight. The ‘smart’ Taeyeon disappeared already.

The Taeyeon right now, was just another victim who lost her game. She slowly pressed the scissors to her skin and glide it against her flesh. Then the blade passed through.

The lumpy red liquid slowly dripped out.

.

.

For the first time around those weeks, she felt a relief.

 

She felt that the pain was so much different with those she did before. Her teary eyes, her scratches, those were nothing!

The drops of blood kept pouring out.

At a glimpse of second, she felt that her pain really disappeared. She felt the blood wasn’t that scary.

It was beautiful.

 

Red, shining, dripping from her hand. She huffed and huffed from the pain. Her eyes started dropping tears. Her heart beats faster than ever.

But her fear, her worries, everything disappeared.

 

The blood was worth it.

In the midst of her pain…, and fear. She finally found something that can make her forget. Make her feel above the clouds and satisfied.

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“But that was just the same like those teary eyes, those scratching. It was the same like locking myself. Those temporally satisfaction only left more pain. And the fact that I did self-harm… It left scars that were irremovable.” 

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Author's note: I had a hard time doing this chapter......... But I still hope you like it!!!

And now I'm promoting my best friend's story: The Peeking Death it's an interesting SNSD story.... You should check it out!!! Thanks ^^