“Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?”

-Jennifer E. Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight

1 year ago…

Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together. Is this how they would define their story? Probably, yes. Perhaps not. They’ve been wandering around the place, just letting the days pass by. Spring break was over. The phone calls, texts, and emails started to flood them. It only caused a chaotic situation when the two of them told their families that they wanted to ‘extend’ the trip for an indefinite period of time. After that, they shut off all means of communication.

They knew that sooner or later, one of their relatives or friends would start going after them. Before anyone had the chance to do so, they packed their bags and hopped on the plane to go towards a different destination. She went to Tokyo at the same time that he chose to travel to the Philippines. They chose those specific locations in hopes of meeting each other again. These were the places they listed down in their couple journal – the countries and cities they’ve always wanted to visit together but never really found the time.

They didn’t stay there longer than a month. They relocated again. This time, they were both in Jakarta, Indonesia. So close, yet so far. If this were a movie, there would be an abundance of the scenes which would feature the missed opportunities. They were often in the same place at the same time, but missed out on each other. If only one of them turned their head towards the opposite direction, or if a passerby didn’t block their view at the most crucial timing, then maybe, just maybe, their search would be over.

They couldn’t find whatever it is that they were looking for, and because of that, they decided that maybe, it’s time to move on to the next country on their list.

Melbourne, Australia

HER POV:

I’m living in absolute hollow. I merely exist, but I cease to live. I’m having an arduous time trying to figure out how my life turned out this way. I only have one question in mind: WHY? I don’t even know what I want anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I should go. I don’t know if I should stay…

What I do know is, that I miss him. I miss him terribly, that it’s eating me up inside. The pain of his absence is boring a hole in my heart, and I’m afraid that just a little bit more, then I might give up. I miss his smile..i miss the way his hand feels against mine. I miss the warmth he gives me. I miss the way he looks at me with all the love in his eyes. I miss his kisses. I miss his presence. I miss everything about him, but most of all..I miss him.

You know what the greatest and most painful thought of it all? It’s the fact that up to now, I still don’t know whose smile it is the miss. I still don’t freaking know who the hell he is. My heart is still in limbo, and my mind refuses to participate. I tried to take in the beautiful view that lay before me, hoping that somehow, along the crowd or the city landscape, I’d get my answer.

“Hyun…”

My heart beat picked up and started to race upon hearing my name being called out. I turned around expectantly, but my face fell as soon as I got a clearer view of his face.

“I guess you were expecting someone else…” he said sadly. He only sported one expression: hurt.

I felt guilty because there was nothing to do but to agree to what he said. After all, he’s right. The emotion that outweighs the guilt that I feel is none other than relief. I wanted to laugh bitterly. I finally got the answer I was looking for. The him that I miss is most definitely not the man standing in front of me, but rather, the man who I exchanged “I do’s” with 7 years ago. The man who always have, and always will, own my heart. Jung Yonghwa.

“Why, Seohyunnie? Why? I’m the one who found you. I’m the one standing in front of you and not him. It’s me you’re with right now…so tell me, why him?”

There’s nothing else for me to say but that I was sorry. We both know that an apology will never be enough to compensate for all the pain I inflicted upon him. He got down on both knees and begged.

“Please. Please don’t leave me. I love you. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. I’d give up everything for you. I’m not even going to ask you to leave him. It’s ok. I can handle being kept a secret as long as you’re with me. Don’t leave me, please.”

“I’m so sorry..but I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt you more than I already did, and most of all, I can’t betray my husband who I love so much.” I sat down so we could meet on an eye level.

“But you love me too..” he said.

“I..i never said that..I cared about you, but that’s just it. Love? There’s only one man I love and that is my husband. I know this sounds cruel. I know I’m being such a heartless , but I owe you the truth and you deserve your freedom. I’m so sorry. I never wanted and I never meant to hurt you…”

“You don’t have to apologize. I was a willing victim…”

“But I do..i need to apologize. I have to. It’s the least I could do to make it up to you. Please..walk away from me now. You deserve someone who’d bring out the best in you, not the worst. I’m not and I will never be the girl for you. I’m so sorry…”

That night, amidst her refusal, he still managed to find a way to check into the same hotel as hers. She’s beginning to feel uncomfortable with his persistence and demands. Once, when she let room service in, he was able to slip inside her room undetected. He begged again for her to reconsider her decision. He tried to dissuade her from going back to her husband. He did everything he can just to win her back even if she never was his in the first place…and then, he made the biggest mistake of all: he kissed her. He tried to force himself on her and that earned him a cold hard slap.

“HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME!” she screamed as soon as she got away from him. She held the hotel’s phone in her hand and was standing near the door.

“Hyun, I..” he was alarmed when he realized what he attempted to do earlier. She was shaking, both in fury and in fear. He was dying inside. What has he done?

“NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL ME BY THAT NAME! Only my husband does! You asked me a while ago why I chose him and never you. It’s because of this very reason – he will never do anything to hurt me intentionally. He has always treated me with respect, equality, and love. He will never force himself on me, and neither will he try to drag me in the mud by making me commit to something so wrong such as what you have done to me.

He never took advantage of my weakness. You were supposed to be just a friend, but then you overstepped your boundaries to the point wherein you think you were better than my husband. I hate myself the most for believing in your lies and letting myself get carried away with your acts when I should’ve focused on my marriage that was falling apart. If you really do love me as much as you say you do, then you would never have tried to break us apart. My happiness should’ve meant more than your own.

The reason why he and I still haven’t found each other by now is because fate knows that it isn’t the right time. I want you to leave now and when you walk out that door, I want to make sure you’re also walking out of my life.”

“Seohyunnie…” he begged again, with tears now streaming down his face. He was helpless and desperate but the minute he tried to reach out to her, she called security and he was escorted out of her room in no time.

It only took her less than an hour to pack her bags and head towards the airport. There was only one last place left and she prayed fervently that by then, her search for the true love she once let go of, would soon be over.

Sao Paulo, Brazil

HIS POV:

Every day since I last saw her, I feel nothing but emptiness. Since that final goodbye, I feel like someone pressed the Pause button and everything stood still. I still don’t understand why my life turned out this way. What have I done to deserve this? I don’t know what to do anymore. I wake up, go through the motions, and that’s just it. I’m a soulless being trapped in this universe, with no purpose and sense of direction.

Amidst all of this, I am certain of one thing: I miss her. I miss her terribly that her absence is boring a hole in my numb heart. I miss her smile. I miss the way her eyes twinkle. I miss the way she holds my hand and I miss the way she looks at me with all the love she could give. I miss her..I miss her so bad. Whenever my hand travels through the empty space where she used to be, I can’t help but cry. How did it lead up to this?

But you know what the biggest irony of it all? That is, up to now, I still don’t know which is her. I am way too confused, exhausted, and just broken to figure it out. I tried to take in the beautiful view that lay before me, hoping that somehow, along the crowd or the city landscape, I’d get my answer.

“Yong…”

My heart beat picked up and started to race upon hearing my name being called out. I turned around expectantly, but my face fell as soon as I got a clearer view of her face.

“I guess you were expecting someone else…” she said sadly.

I felt guilty because there was nothing to do but to agree to what she said. After all, she’s right. The emotion that outweighs the guilt that I feel is none other than relief. I wanted to laugh bitterly. I finally got the answer I was looking for. The her that I miss is most definitely not the woman standing in front of me, but rather, the one who I exchanged “I do’s” with 7 years ago. The woman who always have, and always will, own my heart. Seo Joohyun.

“Why, Yonghwa? Why? I’m the one who found you. I’m the one standing in front of you and not her. It’s me you’re with right now…so tell me, why is it, that you’d always choose her?”

There’s nothing else for me to say but that I was sorry. We both know that an apology will never be enough to compensate for all the pain I inflicted upon her. She got down on both knees and begged. I tried to make her stand up but she refused.

“Please. Please don’t leave me. I love you. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. I’d give up everything for you. I’m not even going to ask you to divorce her. It’s ok. I can handle being kept a secret as long as you’re with me. Don’t leave me, please.”

“I’m so sorry..but I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt you more than I already did, and most of all, I can’t betray my wife who I love so much.” I sat down so we could meet on an eye level.

“But you love me too..” she said.

“I..i never said that..I cared about you, but that’s just it. Love? There’s only one woman I love and that is my wife. I know this sounds cruel. I know I’m being such a heartless jerk, but I owe you the truth and you deserve your freedom. I’m so sorry. I never wanted and I never meant to hurt you…”

“You don’t have to apologize. I was a willing victim…”

“But I do..i need to apologize. I have to. It’s the least I could do to make it up to you. Please..walk away from me now. You deserve someone who’d bring out the best in you, not the worst. I’m not and I will never be the man for you. I’m so sorry…”

That night, amidst his refusal, she still managed to