“How do you know when it's over?"

"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.”

― Gunnar Ardelius, I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits

Arranged marriage. Just like every other child born out of wealth and prestige, this setup isn’t something new. Their spouses have been predetermined long before they opened their eyes into this world. However, unlike their rebellious, free-spirited, and strong-willed rich kid counterparts, they were the exact opposite. They were every parent’s dream come true – intelligent, talented, passionate, dedicated, good-looking, and most of all, obedient.

They obeyed their parents without losing their own identities. They chose the path that has been laid before them not because that’s what everyone expected (although that could be a contributing factor to it), but because they genuinely wanted to.

They never caused troubles, scandals, or anything that would tarnish their families’ name and reputation. They have always been the picture perfect son and daughter. It’s like their DNA’s were only inscribed with the best of the best.

They never even protested when their parents told them about their “engagement.” Unlike most of the “arranged marriage” couples who bicker 99.9% of the time and plot ways to get the other to sign the divorce/annulment papers as soon as they secured their inheritance, they actually did give themselves a chance to fall in love with each other.

They’ve always known that they would end up together anyway. They’ve known each other since he was four and she was two. That’s the reason why they never really sought romance with other people. They’ve had their heart and mind set for this predetermined future , partially because their parents did “hint” about it (and they were never really subtle about the idea too) but the bigger part was because they’re naturally drawn to each other.

Despite this rather unconventional and outdated (who arranges marriages for their children in the 21st century?) setup, they still fell in love with each other. They felt fortunate and blessed to have skipped the “finding my other half, meet the wrong people, get heartbroken, etc etc” process. It’s not just about being comfortable or secure. It’s something more than that. It’s something inexplicable…and that is why, when their parents publicized their engagement, they were more than happy to announce it to others as well.

They were very much involved in the wedding preparations. Though they tried to maintain a low and humble profile, magazines and other online articles labeled them as this generation’s “power couple.” Their marriage would guarantee the fusion of two worlds – law and medicine. His family’s law practice has consistently ranked among the best in the nation, while her family owns the fourth largest and most prestigious hospital/medical center in the country. They were equals in every way, and though their personalities/characteristics are of polar opposites, it is what made them even more “perfect and ideal” in the eyes of many.

They got married as soon as she graduated from high school and he was released from his mandatory military service. She was 18 then, while he was 20. Their wedding was one of the most anticipated weddings of the year (ranked as the 15th, to be exact). They put off establishing their own family in the meantime as they pursued their dreams together. The first six years were great. It felt like the honeymoon phase would never end. However, things changed when they approached the 7th year of their marriage…

HER POV:

I don’t know how, when, or why it all began –us, drifting apart. Every day that passed by, I could feel his hand slowly slipping away from my grasp. The ironic thing is, I don’t even know if I’m holding on as tightly as I should.

I never thought that the day would come when I would start to question everything about our marriage. Was it because our personal lives and careers demanded so much of our time that we rarely even see each other? By the time he goes to bed, I have to leave. By the time that I come home, he’s the one who has to go to school or work. Or is it because everything about us feels more like a routine and we wanted out? Is this how it goes? Or maybe…maybe it’s because the two of us found someone else.

Yes, that’s the ugly truth. We’re both aware of the other’s affair, but the topic has never been brought up. We try to avoid it as much as we could and go through the motions as if there’s nothing wrong. There’s a certain colleague of mine who has pursued me for quite some time. He knows perfectly well that I’m married and which family I came from, but he said that he’s willing to stay hidden in the shadows just as long as he could be with me.

I knew it was wrong. I never should’ve agreed to that first date. However, I’ve been so stressed with everything that’s going on in my life and Yonghwa oppa wasn’t there for me. We were too busy dealing with our own issues. We should’ve been there for each other, but we chose not to.

The first date was followed by a second, then a third, and so on. Every moment I spent with him made me rethink about my decisions and contemplate on whether I made the right choices. I was raised to be the image of a perfect daughter and wife, and never once did I falter on everyone else’s expectations.

However, he changed that. He told me that it’s ok to let go and just have fun. When I felt like I was drowning and suffocating from the routineness of it all, he brought me back to life. I know that it’s wrong to compare, but there are times that I can’t help it. Whereas Yong oppa was the ideal of all ideals (the perfect gentleman, smart, good-looking, sweet, considerate, wealthy, etc), he was different. He’s the boy-next-door, happy-go-lucky kind of guy. He’s the kind of person who’d let you forget about your troubles and let you enjoy each passing moment.

“Come on, Seohyunnie, you only live once.”  That’s what he’d usually tell me when I try to back out from whatever challenge he has in store for me (in that crazy bucket list he created for the two of us). I lost the minute he’d flash me that smile. His eyes would twinkle and I couldn’t resist the boyish grin on his face. Every second, minute, and hour I spent with him, I silently prayed for forgiveness. My guilt was eating me up but I couldn’t bring myself to let go of him or to end my marriage. I was afraid that the time would come when one of them would demand that I make a choice.

How can I? How can I make this choice? The other is the sun that brings light and warmth in my life, while the other is the moon who illuminates me during my darkest hour. He’s my spring, while the other is my autumn. He’s my anchor. He’s my sail. He’s my strength. He’s my weakness.

There were times that I’d remember that Johnny Depp quote that fit perfectly well into this dilemma: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”  However, just one look at the sleeping figure beside me is enough to crumble these doubts away. Whenever I’d glance upon the ring on my fourth finger, I am reminded once more of the vow I willingly made when I was 18.

My mind is plagued with so many questions. Am I really in love with him or is it just because he’s the person who’s given me the time and attention my husband failed to do so? What if I’m just in it for the thrill? What if this was a delayed reaction to my repressed feelings about living a caged and secured life? Who weighs more in my heart?

So many questions, doubts, and confusion…amidst all these uncertainties, there is one distinct truth that I cannot deny: I have fallen out of love with my husband and I’m not so sure if what we have left is worth a second chance.

HIS POV:

I wanted to blame my career for taking its toll on my marriage. I wanted to just grab the nearest stranger and pinpoint him as the one responsible for my life that is crumbling right before my eyes…I wanted to blame her, my wife, for just letting the two of us drift apart…but most of all, I knew that the truth is, I only have myself to blame.

I’m supposed to be the pillar, the fortress, the one who holds everything together. I should’ve exerted more effort to spend time with her, I should’ve wooed her just as I used to, I should never have allowed each day to pass by without telling her that I love her. I should’ve done more. I should’ve given more. I should’ve been the husband I promised to her that I would always be.

However, I wasn’t. There’s no excuse for my actions. I knew that the two of us were facing a difficult time, and I knew that we should’ve been there for each other. I knew I could’ve just told her my woes, but whenever she tried to open up about her own, I immediately changed the subject.

As much as I hate to admit, I was selfish. I wanted her attention to be solely on me. I wanted her to set aside her troubles and her career, just so she could help me with mine. When she didn’t, I was devastated. I knew that the pressure and difficulties she faced were up to par with mine. It was wrong and selfish of me to expect her to just cater to my issues without helping her with her own…that was why, when a colleague of mine started to do the things I expected from my wife, I began to walk the path towards our marriage’s destruction, not to mention, also my own.

She’s always expressed her interest in me. I waved off her advances every single time because I wanted to honor my wedding vows. I know that the excuse “I’m just human. I am entitled to make mistakes”  is not, and never will be valid, but for now, that’s all I have left. My mistake was giving her the time and attention that should’ve been for my wife. I never should’ve agreed on that first date. The first was followed by a second, a third, and so on.

Every moment I spent with her made me rethink about my decisions and contemplate on whether I made the right choices. I was raised to be the image of a perfect son and husband, and never once did I falter on everyone else’s expectations.

However, she changed that. She told me that it’s ok to let go and just have fun. When I felt like I was drowning and suffocating from the routineness of it all, she brought me back to life. I know that it’s wrong to compare, but there are times that I can’t help it. Whereas Joohyun was the ideal of all ideals (the perfect wife, smart, beautiful, wealthy, caring, sweet), she was different. She’s a reminder of everything I missed out on life because I was so focused on the things my parents conditioned me with.

Every second, minute, and hour I spent with her, I silently prayed for forgiveness. My guilt was eating me up but I couldn’t bring myself to let go of her or to end my marriage. I was afraid that the time would come when one of them would demand that I make a choice.

How can I? How can I make this cho