Chapter 4: Awkward

Whole chapter in Junjin’s POV:

I cleared my throat immediately as I retreated from him. He looked at me as if I was a ghost and I must’ve been extremely white. I had kissed him. Regardless of everything I had promised to Jin Kyo, I had kissed Andy. I didn’t feel remorseful until I realized that I was thinking about my late boyfriend and this wonderful human being who looked around the cafeteria full of people.

My chest was aching of the cluttered feelings I felt towards Andy. I admitted it. I admitted everything. I wanted him to be mine.

Not to be afraid ever again.

I had apologized…after I had kissed. But he had liked it. Andy had liked it. And I felt accomplished. But still, the fear of revenge from Jin Kyo frightened me. I loved him. I still loved him. I couldn’t let him go albeit I should’ve. I didn’t want to move on before I was sure he wanted me to.

“Junjin-sshi…” Andy whispered.

I looked at him. “What is it?” I asked softly.

“I…I…” he stammered shyly, embarrassed. “I want—I…”

I knew it was hard for him to say what he was thinking and I didn’t push him to say it. But when I was about to open my mouth, I was disrupted.

“Excuse me,” a woman said with a smile. I and Andy turned to look at her bewildered. “You might hear this lot, but…” she tapped my shoulder and then pushed me near Andy, who tensed immediately. “You are the sweetest couple I have ever met.”

She was holding a basket in her arm.

Ohh, so she was one of those women who sold roses for people in the hospital.

I rubbed my suddenly sweaty hands together.

“I never do this.” She explained. “But I will give you this rose for free. It’s as red as your fiancé’s cheeks.” She grinned and passed it to me.

Then she stared at Andy for a while and left.

I was feeling awkward when I shifted my body towards him. Andy cleared his throat and flashed an uncomfortable smile. I was competing with my brain whether to hold the silence or give the man the rose and then pretend I was okay with everything.

“Fiancé…” Andy murmured. “Did she call me your…fiancé?”

Too many things were screwing with me and Andy. As soon as we walked out of the cafeteria and exited the hospital, a busker started playing some love song. I rolled my eyes and I felt my cheeks burned like the lamp on Jin Kyo’s nightstand. I daren’t to look at Andy. No way. I held the rose in my hand and avoided the man playing the guitar, singing lyrics about forbidden crush.

I didn’t know how many times I had cleared my throat but it felt like the hundredth time. And the busker didn’t even follow us, nor were there people on the street, but I felt like people were only looking at us from all the audience.

Had everyone seen the kiss!?

Andy was surprisingly quiet. Well, he never actually talked that much, but this was the first time in days when I heard him being silent. Was I the only one feeling awkward? Was I the only one who tried to contemplate whether the kiss was a right thing to do? Had I brought reminiscences upon the guy’s head by invading his space?

“Andy,” I found myself mumbling.

He looked at me and blinked his eyes, saying, “Mm?”

I had said that by an accident. I had just spilled out something absolutely unnecessary and now he was looking at me expectantly, raising his left eyebrow. There was nothing I wanted to say. Okay, there was a lot I wanted to say but not now. Not ever.

“Here.” I muttered bluntly and passed him the rose. “It was meant for you anyways…so…take it.”

“But…” he spoke. “…you can give it to Jin Kyo. Put it onto his grave if anything.”

That sincere smile killed me.

“No,” I shook my head. “Take it. It is for you.”

Andy blushed as he put his thumb, index finger and middle finger onto the stalk, his fingers brushing mine, and took it, smelling the flower part secretly. He thought I didn’t see but I did.

The seller had been right.

The rose was as red as my fiancé’s che—

WHAT!?

I shook my head.

“Thank you, Junjin-sshi.” Andy bowed a bit. “I am really thankful.”

“Excuse me?” We halted our steps when a man stepped in front of us, the grin on his face illegally wide. I stared at him bemused and Andy interlaced the rose between his fingers when the man pulled us to side and scanned Andy from head to toe. “You two look like couple.” He said.

I gulped.

“And we have a lack in pairs in this awesome couple game.” The weird man told. “And you happened to walk past us! Would you mind to join!? The prize is daebak!” he added.

I glanced at Andy. He looked pained and I could feel I was like that too. His eyes visited the different kinds of pairs and then me and I could comprehend that he didn’t want to be a trouble so he said nothing. I looked at the quiz holder and smiled.

“What do we have to do?” I questioned.

“Just do couple of missions and fight for your love.” The holder said eagerly. “The winner gets a huge teddy-bear with your names on it and money!”

Junjin smiled and nodded, “Fine! We will participate.”

The first game started. We stood in line with all the other couples (though we weren’t one) and waited the rules and the game name.

“Obstacle course!” said the holder.

I glimpsed at the timid guy next to me, who kept nibbling his sleeves. I wanted to take his hand and tell him that there was no need to be worried because there was me and no one else. Also, I mumbled that no one forced him to take off his clothes.

“You will carry your pair on your back and take her or him through the course without dropping the egg from the spoon. When you are at the end, crossing the finish line, you will take the balloon and break it with your bodies. Anything is allowed. Game starts now!”

Everyone took their girls onto their backs except me.

I put my arm under Andy’s knees and lifted him up, hearing the panicked shriek from his mouth. But he calmed down really soon. I slipped the spoon between his lips and watched out that the egg wouldn’t drop as I began to spring, jump, leap, skip and dance through the course.

We managed to get to the finish line.

“Take the balloon.” I said to Andy and he did.

He put it onto his chest vaguely and I drew him at me, curling my arms around him sternly, sensing his arms surrounding my back. I didn’t hear anything when the chin landed onto my shoulder and I could feel Andy’s whole body against mine. I dozed off. My hand got onto the neck and I, instinctively, shifted my head to the beautiful smell that lingered from the guy. He had goosebumps on the part of his neck that I breathed onto and his body seemed to lean closer. His mouth was on my neck; in a way that the spot was torrid. He was just standing.

“Excuse me?” the same man, as before, spoke.

“Mhmhmm?” I voiced dazed.

“Your balloon burst a minute ago…you won.” He replied.

I looked at him and I commenced lowering my arms as I withdrew Andy. Our eyes met. And I had never felt so ashamed before. I wasn’t regretting anything; shameful.

The last, and finale game, was said to be the sign of true love. I tsked at that but Andy was even quieter than before. He was looking at the rose on top our other stuff and I was sad that he was so tuned out of all of this. Then the holder took out a box that earned a gasp from the girl and from Andy and me. Now wasn’t the right time to look at him. This was it. A sign of true love. I knew what it meant now.

“The finale game; eat the pepero!” said the holder once again.

He brought two peperos to each of the teams left and then explained the rules couple of times. I gulped down the dry lump in my throat and looked at the chocolate covered thing in my hands. From all the couple games in the world, this was the one we got. I shook my head.

“The ones who have the smallest part left are the winner.” The holder exclaimed. “Ok! You can start…now!” he whistled and moved away from the stage.

I exhaled and I fixed my gaze to Andy’s.

We have to do it, I said with my eyes.

He merely nodded, the lost expression on his face, as I shoved the pepero between my teeth and was still, waiting for Andy to advance me.  The other couple was already at the halfway while Andy hadn’t even started yet, but the girl accidentally broke the pepero and had to start from another one.

Andy had the pepero between his teeth now.

I told him that he can keep eyes open if that was more comfortable and not awkward, but he closed them and advanced me before I could even say cat.

I sensed his lips on mine.

But the game didn’t end.

Somehow I was absolutely happy about it.

And then, I was lost as I swallowed the small piece of pepero in my mouth and answered to the slow and warm movement. My hands got onto the waist while Andy’s went onto my cheeks. My heartbeat was out of order. It didn’t listen to me anymore. Not even when I was about to slip my tongue through the two resisting ones and I was abruptly pushed away.

“Where is your pepero?” The holder interrogated confused.

“There wasn’t any left.” I responded, eye visiting the younger man in front of me.

“Ohh…well…then…” the holder stammered. “You win!”

I flashed a quick smile before I got drowned into the brown orbs that glittered with water. He didn’t let me deepen the kiss. Not this time either. And Andy seemed to be very embarrassed by that. I comprehended him enough.

“We won, Andy ya.” I said. “We won.”

“We did…Junjin.”

My eyes were occupied by the man and the teddy-bear he was holding. He was smiling. He was smiling like he smiled when he was happy. I glanced at the sluggishly hanging arm and the free hand that moved on the thigh. I reached to it and took it.

He stopped and turned to look at me.

“What?” I asked. “Can’t I hold your hand?”

Andy swallowed and then looked at the hands before he nodded. Then we continued walking towards the shabby old apartment building. I felt fingers sliding between mine and my ears transforming to red. Then he leered at me and flushed, holding the teddy-bear with the names “Junjin+Andy” in it.

Then we stood in front of the apartment door.

“I had fun today.” He whispered. “I would ask you in but…”

“Eric hyung’s there. I know.” I answered.

Silence descended between us.

Andy had laced the rose to the ribbon the bear was wearing and the prize money we had shared earlier. I stared at him and he stared at me.

“Umm…” I started. “…maybe I should go…”

“Yeah.” He agreed. “…it’s late…”

I nodded and was leaning in.

But I sighed when the clenching feeling on my chest tightened.

“Go.” He said. “I know you want to.”

“I don’t want to.” I assured. “But I need to.”

He bade a goodbye and took out his keys. When I was behind the corner, I looked over it and checked that he went inside, heaving a sigh.

I turned the door handle and pushed the door open. I hadn’t visited that room in two days. I hadn’t really even had time to think about it as I had been worrying and eating and sleeping a lot. I shoved my hands into my pockets and stepped into the dark bedroom that still smelled of him. Jin Kyo’s smell was around me. His stuff was around me. His clothes were on the back of the chairs.

I sat down onto his bed.

“Jin Kyo ah,” I crooned. “Please, please…tell me that I am doing the right thing.”

I nibbled the blanket under me.

“Give me a sign that it’s okay for me to want that guy.” I begged. “Give me a sign that I am allowed to love him as much as I love you.”

My voice cracked.

“Give me a sign that that man is my soul mate and that he needs me more than anything in the world.” I prompted. “Please, Jin Kyo ah, please, tell me that I am finally able to move on and be with Andy for the rest of my life…please, please…give me a sign that I am ready to move on.”

The picture on the nightstand fell and I startled.

I grabbed it from the floor and the Jin Kyo’s side of the picture was broken. I was smiling to the camera but he was under the cracks that made his picture unclear. I wiped the picture with my finger.

He had been watching me all this time?

I blushed.

“Thank you, Jin Kyo ah.” I discarded the picture to the bed and ran out of the room, almost colliding to my hyung on the stairs.

But I had no time to stop.

I sprang through the streets.

Through the traffic lights.

Through the park.

Through the bridge.

And then I saw it.

The apartment building.

I was in, on the third floor, behind the door and I knocked.

“Junjin?” Eric greeted me with a frown. “What are you doing in here?”

“A…ndy…” I panted out.

The younger guy came behind his big brother and blinked his eyes. I cupped his face as soon as he was in front of me and kissed him; long and softly.

“Jin ah,” he said. “What are you doing in here?”

“I am ready to move on…” I blurted out. “…with you.”