Move on (Spin-Off of JinDy):

The first day (Andy’s POV):

I was reluctant to enter the hospital. I stood in front of the main door, biting my lips, while tears were flooding through my cheeks. I was reluctant. I didn’t want to go in and prove that my girlfriend had died by her own hands. I didn’t want to hear why she did it. I didn’t want to see how empty her ceremony was going to be. I didn’t want to be there alone.

I found myself standing in the huge hall, nurses welcoming people with busy hands. I looked around. I had always hated the smell of hospitals. I hated what the definition of hospitals meant. I hated how the people who were extremely sick spent their last days in the hospital and died there in some kind of a machine. I hated it.

“Sir?” I blinked my eyes as I noticed the nurse staring at me. “Are you lost?” she asked.

I looked at her couple of minutes in silence before I opened my mouth. My voice was husky, maybe because I had been crying through the way. The nurse frowned as she asked the same question again and made sure that I had heard it. “I…I came…to see a friend…she…she committed a suicide.” I replied.

The nurse nodded and took out a chart.

“Kim Sa Rah…” I said.

“Oh…” her face went blank. “This way sir.” She gestured with her arm and helped me to move towards the room that was located at the end of the corridor. “I am sorry.” She bowed when I noticed the letters on the door. Grieving room, it said.

I bowed and entered the solemnly silent room with only one or two people inside. There was no signs of Sa Rah’s mother nor of her other relatives, but someone had put her picture onto the memorial desk, and decorated it with her favorite flowers, lilacs. I took slow and short steps towards the counter. My heartbeat had never been so low. As soon as the beautiful smiling face was in front of my view, the tears I had managed to hold since the hall were now intensifying on my cheeks.

The power on my legs vanished as I fell to the floor and cupped my face. I didn’t care that the two people in the room were looking at me. I didn’t care that my sobs were louder than someone else’s’ behind me. I didn’t care that I looked very pathetic in the middle of the room. I cried. I cried more. I cried for Sa Rah. I cried because I didn’t know how else I would be able to run away from my utter sadness.

I cried until I felt a hand on my shoulder and my whole body tensed up due to the warming, strange, touch.

I slowly turned my head and a brown haired man stared at me, his lower lip quivered and face glowed because of the tears he was shedding.

Usually I would have pushed any stranger (especially a man) away from me, but not this time. Not, when the man opened his mouth and said: “How long?”

Same day (Junjin’s POV):

I had lost the count on the days I had spent next to his grave. Well, it wasn’t a grave really, but a memorial picture that they held to the people who had died tragically. The nurses already knew me well. They knew me so well that they were concerned of what I had become. They had given couple calls to Hyesung hyung too, but I always managed to dodge him and his worried questions of “what did they serve at the hospital today?” I was super tired of those questions.

I did eat.

Not much though since Jin Kyo was starving.

Also, I hated eating alone.

Especially in front of him.

“I am sorry.” A voice said at the door. I usually didn’t care, who the person, who had lost someone crucial, was. I never cared. I only saw my boyfriend’s smiley photo.

Just yesterday, a new picture had appeared. According to the face she was barely 23. It was sad, I admit it, especially since she was really beautiful, but each photo had the reason for the death written under them. I saw the word ‘suicide’ under hers. No one had visited her memorial. I took a note of it. I knew the families of the dead ones which came once in a while to cry or ask for forgiveness. I never cared any of them.

I looked at the picture of my boyfriend. Failing heart, said the text under. I had told the staff to change it to a murder, but apparently it wasn’t suitable for the family. Hyesung hyung had always agreed with me and he had fought next to me, but it was the policy of the hospital.

My heart jumped lightly as the figure in the corner of my eyes stepped into the room where time was stopped. I didn’t look at him. I didn’t even give a damn how he halted his steps in front of the dead girl and stared at it far longer than I had.

However, my consciousness must’ve felt a bang in it, when the small, absolutely vulnerable, guy fell onto his knees and started sobbing far louder than me. I had been him once.

In that moment, it occurred in my mind that that girl had been his girlfriend. And that he had just found out what she had done. I felt my eyes tearing when the man hit the floor gently, shaking his head. The nurse inhaled and exhaled miserably as she was holding a letter in her hands. I immediately knew that she couldn’t pass the suicide letter to the man. I cried even more now. 

It would be horrendous, I thought, salt water blinding my eyes. 

I stood up much of my unwillingness and advanced the crouched guy in silence. I reached my hand and touched him. As if being afraid, he tensed. I was expecting him to jerk his body away but instead he was like a statue. Only did he turn his head when I spoke up.

“How long?” was the question I asked.

“A year on the internet, two weeks in person.” The guy answered softly.

The first day, four hours later, Andy’s POV:

She looked beautiful in the middle of the lilacs. She was always beautiful, but now, from all the times, she looked astonishing. I couldn’t stop crying. My eyes were letting everything out in four hours and the man next to me cried with me.

“Are you going to open it?” he questioned, meaning the letter in my hands.

“I…” I glanced at him before I turned my gaze to Sa Rah. “…I don’t know if I am ready to know it.”

He nodded.

“If you open it now, it’s like ripping of a bandage.” He told. “If you open it later, the scars will be deeper.”

I looked at him. His red eyes looked fatigued. He had lost a lot of weight and I could see that he was starving. My eyes moved around his body. He must’ve been there for a while now. I hadn’t asked. I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to know, but the way he looked at the picture of the young guy, made me feel awful. He sighed as I took the letter and ripped it open.

“Jagiya~” a chuckle escaped from my mouth as the tears increased the pace. “I love you so very much. I know this is the wrong way and you won’t ever forgive me, but…I…had had this in my mind for so long.” I read out loud, inaudibly since I knew he was reading it over my shoulder. “When I met you, the thoughts vanished, they were gone, until I met you.”  I bit my lower lip that was covered with the booger from my nose. “I only blame myself of having these thoughts. When I met you and saw how strong you were, how independent you were, and how loving brother you were, I became jealous.” He was staring at me, I could feel it, but I kept on reading, “I wanted to have you by myself. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but you were able to push the thoughts aside. What I realized after meeting you was the fact that, your brother was all you needed.” I instantly remembered Eric, who I had shouted at, who I had insulted. I could feel the embarrassment on my ears. “You don’t need me, oppa. No one needs me. I love you.”

He waited for me to break down.

I did.

And I knew I looked terrible.

He didn’t touch me.

It was like he recognized me from the way I acted.

“I am sorry.” He apologized.

“So am I.” I whispered. 

Junjin’s POV:

I was even sorrier when I heard the girl’s reason. I was sorry that the guy hadn’t known about it and I was sorry that he was so young to deal with a thing like that. He seemed like a man who hadn’t had many girlfriends in his life. I could see it. He was one of those persons who were scared of relationships.

“I am sorry.” I said when he had finished the letter.

“So am I.” he whispered, the tears making his face look human-like, cute.

I wanted to put my arm onto his shoulder, but he had seemed frightened, when I had done it before. I followed his hands that were folding the letter closed. He was trembling. But he tried to hide it. So I didn’t show him that I knew. Only now I noticed that he had a weird way of dressing himself up. It was spring and he had a scarf around his neck. Also, he was wearing baggy clothes, but I could see that he was thin. Almost too thin. His skin was pale and he had hand warmers on.

He must’ve felt hot.

“May I ask…” he opened his mouth. “…how did he die?”

I glimpsed at the photo of Jin Kyo and then shifted my head at him. “Murder…” I responded, jolting him. “Here it’s said that he died because of a heart failure, but…no…it’s a lie.”

The guy looked at me terrified.

“I am willing to revenge to the murderer if I ever see him.” I mumbled.

The guy nodded, his tears still visible on the cheeks.

“Hey,” I said and he turned his head. “Don’t cry so much. I know it makes you feel great…but I don’t want you to become like me…we should move on eventually.”

He tried to smile but a pout appeared onto his lips. “How long were you together?” he interrogated gently.

“Years.” I answered. “Since the day he became sick.”

“Waah…far longer than me and Sa Rah.” He gasped.

I chuckled mellow. “Love isn’t count in numbers. You love when you love. That’s the most important thing.” I stated. “It was enough if you loved her and she loved you.”

He smiled under the tears.

His face was swollen and his cheeks chubby and pink. His eyes were red and tired but he smiled.

And it was beautiful. 

The second day, Andy’s POV:

Eric hyung’s warning stimulated my brain. I was afraid. Though he said I would be safe in a place where people surrounded me, I was scared. I didn’t know what it was that was that was dangerous, or who it was, but I decided to be careful. My heart was bursting, but I wanted to be cautious. Though I wanted to die, I didn’t want it to happen by someone else.

Never, I thought.

For years, I was being abused. I was used. I was . I was beaten up. And it was frightening. I grew up in a place like that. I was timid. But I had my hyung. I had my own willing. I had my own place to be. Then I met her. It wasn’t a usual site I met her at it was for people who had received same attention as a child as I had. It was recommended for me. I never told Eric hyung which page it was. He was already worrying enough. I just…needed my own space.

“Watch out!”

I frowned as I blinked my eyes. I couldn’t react properly as I was pushed towards the ground, my right shoulder hitting the asphalt, my head and neck was covered and the panic of being so near to someone invaded my body. I felt like hyperventilating, but my body relaxed when my head and my neck were being freed. I inhaled.

“Are you okay?” the savior asked, his voice muffled in my panicking ears.

“I am fine.” I said. 

“That car definitely didn’t know where it was going.” The savior muttered. “But I am happy I caught you.”

I felt the pounding in my head decreasing as I exhaled and opened my eyes. “YOU!” we said in unison as his eyes grew bigger like two dinner plates.

I felt my cheeks growing hotter.

“Do you need help to get up?” he questioned.

I nodded and he grasped by my right forearm and pulled.

I screamed in pain as I felt the pounding and the panic rising inside me, my legs getting mushy under me and the adrenaline fountain subsiding as he kept chanting me to remove my hoodie. My legs didn’t listen to me nor did my eyes, as they fluttered shut and I fell onto him.

I woke up to the shocking reality that I was in front of him, shirtless. Besides my hoodie they had undressed my t-shirt. He was shaken. His eyes were wide. His mouth was open. And the eyebrows on his forehead were furrowed. I gulped down the dry lumps that hurt. A nurse was wrapping some sort of a clothing around my shoulder, but I was only watching him.

There was nothing I could say.

He found out I was a freak.

The same day, Junjin’s POV:

I was panicking. It was almost touchable how much I was panicking. I quickly took the guy onto my arms and ran towards the doors of the hospital where they placed him onto stretchers and checked his pulse and everything. I followed him, lying to the nurses that he was my friend, which in this case, wasn’t an entire lie. I marched after the nurse into a clinic where they would check what happened to him. I was fussing over him. I didn’t even know his name.

“Take off his hoodie!” a nurse commanded me and I rushed next to the guy, whose eyes were a bit open.

“N…o…” he mumbled.

“QUICKLY!” She yelled near my ear.

I was nibbling the sleeve when I heard that quiet plea again. “No…n…o.” he murmured, tears cramming through his eyes.

I felt pathetic. I felt weak but we got the hoodie off of him. And then, I realized why he hadn’t wanted it to happen. She gasped next to me and leaned closer to see those scars. She told me to take a look at them too. Though I was hesitating and glancing at his crying face, I looked at him.

“Are those…fresh?” I questioned.

She sighed and replied, “Some of them are.”

The guy seemed ashamed as he turned his head away and let the tears fall through his face. Now I was extremely worried about him. She started wrapping the clothing around the shoulder when she perceived that the shirt prevented it.

I crooned that let the shirt be on him but she absolutely insisted that the arm should be released so she can put the bandage on properly. He was fully awake now, which made the scene even more unbearable to watch. Then I saw them…the scars; the old ones, the deep ones; not the ones on his wrists and forearms; the ones on his chest, neck, shoulders, stomach, hipbones, ribs and upper arms. 

And he knew, what I was thinking.

But I wasn’t ready to ask.

And I was sure that he wasn’t ready to tell.

Only thing he said to me was, “Freak…”

He was ready to leave as soon as he had put on his shirt. I waited for him outside, which obviously had been wrong thing to do, as he stared at me shocked. I glanced at him and flashed him a smile. But he wasn’t amused at all, he hid his arms and stomach even though he was wearing clothes. He was avoiding my gaze.

“You don’t have to te—“

“I know I am a freak okay?” His voice was trembling.

I blinked my eyes before I shook my head.

“I have never showed my body to anyone.” He explained, eyes glittery. “I am a freak. My body is like a cutting board.”

I leered at him. “Which were the most painful ones?” I asked and I noticed it surprised him.

He chuckled as he stepped closer, nibbling the sleeves of the hoodie. I anticipated.

“The ones which weren’t done by me.” He responded. “But those—“ he cut his sentence when he noticed that he was opening up.

“Yes?”

“I am not ready…” he mumbled to himself. “I am not ready.”

I nodded.

“I…am forever going to be a freak.” He spoke sadly. “It’s my destiny to be a freak.”

“Why have you hurt yourself?” I didn’t know whether it was right to say that out loud.

He bit his lip and raised his voice, “Because I needed to have another pain to forget the other one. Also, did you know that candle wax doesn’t wash away after solidifying? That it sticks to your skin like glue which is burning hot.”

I shook my head.

“It’s painful.” He told. “So, thank you for saving me and flashing my body around the hospital. I am so very grateful.”

He was walking off, past me, as I caught his hand and shocked him.

“You can’t replace the past I have.” He prompted without me even talking. “Even if I wanted to forget, the scars are always part of me. They don’t wash away. They are eternity. Also, they are pain. And…they make me a freak.” He added.

I grasped the wrist harder, and he was biting his lip, which caused me think that he might’ve had fresh on that spot. He began to cry.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because now you know that I am a freak.”

He jerked his hand away and walked off, not watching back.

I was wondering if I saw him ever again.

Andy’s POV:

I was scurrying through the corridors in the fastest speed I could rip from my legs. I wanted to get away from him as soon as I could. He didn’t deserve to be with someone like me, not at all. I was a freak. I have always been one and always will be. I had tried to get rid of the scars, wounds, bruises and cuts myself, but nothing worked.

I had failed.

What Eric hyung didn’t know about me and the scars I had, were the ones I had done myself. When he was at school and I had been stepped over by the filthy man, I always ended up using the razor in the bathroom. Always…Eric hyung didn’t know.

“Well, let me at least take you back home.” I startled when he touched my shoulder. I jumped back and placed my palm onto it, breathing like some zombie. He was shocked by my reaction, but I realized from the look in his eyes that he understood not to touch me. “Please, let me do that at least.”

I hesitated, but nodded after the awkward silence.

“I won’t touch you…I promise.” He smiled.

Junjin’s POV:

The timid look on his face when I had touched him frightened me. I couldn’t have even comprehended how much weird touches scared him. His pupils shrank when he set his eyes at mine and inhaled heavily. I pitied him. His hands trembled when he lowered them down after being all reserved. I stared at him and I could feel the frown creeping onto my forehead.

“I won’t touch you…I promise.” I said with a smile.

He lived in an apartment building that was the cheapest building in whole Seoul. I looked at it and my chest clenched. The house was everything the guy needed to be what he was. I glimpsed him secretly. He didn’t seem like one of those cutters you see on television. I couldn’t believe he had so many scars in his body. And most of them weren’t even made by him. I didn’t know whether I believed him or not, but the fearful glint in his eyes every time I, or someone else, touched him, made me understand that he was as sincere as he could. Besides, I could see that the lighter and not so deep ones were made by him. It was a sign of fright. He wasn’t strong enough (and let the God bless him for that) to make deeper cuts.

“You can leave now.” He said embarrassed.

“No, I can take you to your apartment.”

He obviously gulped. Was that too much? Was I invading his private space? Even I thought saying that was too much. Was the past fact what made him look so sick? Was it the scars that made him so sad and scarred? It couldn’t just be the girl.

I still remembered the burns on his skin; the wounds on his neck; the scars on his whole body.

“I know you are thinking,” he suddenly mumbled. “I have scars everywhere. Even on my legs.” He said silently.

I looked at him.

“It’s just…” he scratched his un-itching head. “…I am what I am. And if I could have a one wish, I would wish that these wounds would go away.”

He looked troubled and he was again avoiding my gaze. But I didn’t blame him. I was already happy that this total stranger was this comfortable to even let me walk him home. He kept clearing his throat as I stared at him. He said it had been painful to receive the wounds he hadn’t done by himself.

I was worried.

His face was expressionless.

I didn’t know when the last time he cut himself was, but I was afraid that he might find some kind of comfort from the blades.

"You can always tell me if you feel like hurting yourself." I spilled out without thinking.

He looked at me shaken and he had that utter pained expression in his eyes. I felt my heart thudding against my chest. Park Chung Jae….you are stupid!