-Urbes constituit aestas, hora dissolvit-

Enormous sea of whites and pinks and yellows enveloped the field before them, a season of tulips made possible by their hardwork. At the far center, Jongin could see Joowon gracefully dancing, barefoot on the grass. She was wearing a mid-length baby blue Sunday Dress, with two white streaks at both sleeves embroidered with one and a half inch length yellow lilies at the hem. She was calling for Jongin to join her to which the latter obliged. And he stood, before dusting the soil and grass off his pair of Levi’s. She was getting too excited and she was glowing with life.

“Hold your horses and wait for me.” His voice echoed unto the other side of the green field, and she turned her head to meet his gaze, a smile tugged her lips.

“You slowpoke, hurry now. If you want dinner, you better catch me!” She replied before running farther and faster this time, a sheer of sweat not too visible on her forehead. Jongin started running, until he stopped. Indeed he has a twenty:twenty vision, but he never saw Joowon with too much color in her face, and he never saw her run. Her lungs would fail in an instant. Jongin tried calling her, but there was a sudden taste of bile at the back of his tongue, and then an unexpected dryness in his throat. His feet were glued to the ground, he couldn’t move.

Jongin forcefully shut his eyes, but the moment he opened them, he saw that the grass became tiles and he was now transported in the confines of four white walls. There was the familiar beeping of heart-rate monitor, a smell of metal and machine-washed fabrics and chlorine…. and there was Joowon. His Joo. She was sitting on a wheelchair, her hands clutched to the railings of this room’s balcony while looking at the endless nothingness in front of her. ‘Joo,’ he wasn’t sure if the sound did escape his lips, but she managed to turn around and face him. The sky-blue Sunday dress is now a plain white hospital gown, two-toned whiter than her skin. Jongin’s eyes travelled from her feet to her knees to the sharpness of her collar bones until they rest on her face, which was becoming more blurry in seconds. And then everything fades.

Beads of sweat run from the back of Jongin’s neck down to his spine. Trying to make sense of what just happened, he sat up and straightened himself. It was a bad dream. Embracing his knees, he shuts his eyes and calmly started picturing her. First, Jongin started to portrait the pinks of her lips and the unknown 8^th wonder of the world that peeks at the left bottom part of her cheek, when and only when she smiles. He then thought of her small nose however, perfectly arched at the bridge before he sets for her eyes. He remembers the pair of jet-blacks, the shimmer of life within them, emphasized by the curls of her lashes… but he stops. Jongin could clearly remember each and every part of her face individually, but when he tries to picture every part together, they become blurry. He tries again, now for the fifth time since he woke up, but for the fifth time, he fails. Before Jongin could think of anything, his phone started beeping.

5:30 AM. He sets his alarm off.

September 11, 2017. The hairs on the back of his neck raised.

“Remember her, you useless piece of !” he cursed through gritted teeth before he shut his eyes once again. Before he failed for the sixth time. Before tears started spilling down his cheeks.

“Father said, he’s coming over. Also, you’ll meet her today.” Suho notified him over the phone. Jongin will meet his father for the first time since the last time he visited him in Venice, two years ago. And he will meet the person that now, has Joowon’s heart.

I want to save a life. How selfless, Jongin thought. That was Joo’s last wish, and it was granted. However Jongin, being the coward that he was, didn’t want to face the reality back then. People told him that there are reasons why bad thing happen to people, but ever since then, Jongin never cared to look for answers anymore. Not when the only reason why he started living again was taken away from him too.

Incongruously, Jongin always wondered what kind of person did Joowon save? He didn’t even know it was a woman, until today. Is she half as good as Joo? What would he say when he sees her?

His strides grew heavier, with each and every step he took. He was already half an hour late, a habit of his that never changed and Joowon would wrinkle her nose for that, but she loved him anyway. She loved him and accepted even the ugly sides of him.

He’s here now. 9^th Avenue Bistro. The place where he will meet his dad, Jaebeom (who just arrived yesterday), and the woman that has Joowon’s heart now. Lee Jowon. His Joo.

One foot forward as he closed the door behind him, and his eyes quickly scanned the restaurant to see his father lifting one arm, motioning for him to come closer. This time, his vision quickly focused on the petite woman with long brown hair, the color of coffee and honey, curls perfectly set at the tips. Her frame was too familiar, and before he could think of anything else, she stood from her seat and turned around to meet his gaze.

Jae? He halted his steps, too shocked from the sudden change in temperature. He didn’t know how long he has been standing on the same spot until his father brought him back from the lost space he just visited seconds ago, “Jongin, come take your seat.”

“Let me introduce you, this is—“

“Jae.” His eyes fixated to her again as he cut the introductions escaping his father’s mouth. He was now cautiously seated beside his father, across her. He doesn’t need one anyway; he already knew who she was. That should explain her presence in uncle Jaebeom’s place. Why didn’t he find it strange during those times? The signs were everywhere, but why did he not notice? He wasn’t even blind, but why did it never cross his mind that Jae was the person that shared her heart? And most importantly, why is he feeling guilty all of a sudden? There it was again, that painful tug somewhere in his chest. Like a rubber band being pulled farther and farther from opposite ends.

“Oh, do you already know each other?”  It was now Jaebeom who asked, some sort of confusion in his voice. He looked older than Jongin last remembered him, his hair a combination of white and gray and black, however, brushed. Jongin gave him a long and warm embrace after short exchanges of long time no sees I’m sorry I should’ve visited sooner and it’s okay Jongin, I understand. Afterwards, he walked towards his seat beside his father, whom he granted a nod of recognition, and across Jae.

“We came across a couple of times. I didn’t really have the time to know her. Didn’t even have the slightest idea she was the woman I was meeting today.” Jongin responded, and there was the sound of coldness and distance in his voice. Jae’s smile faltered. This was not the reaction she expected.

Jongin never ran so fast in his life. He was running and pushing everyone blocking his way, his sweat dripping from every part of his body.

“Thank you Jongin, for everything…” that was her last words before she hang up the call. She sounded too weak, as if she used up all the energy she has left for that call.

His feet were on fire as he ran the stairs up to the third floor, not waiting for the elevator. The unsynchronized beating in his chest and his uneven breathing didn’t stop him from running still. Three stalks of yellow tulips, not so presentable as how they looked like fifteen minutes ago, were crashed around his right hand. He must deliver them.

When he saw the entrance to room three-one-eight, he ran faster and opened the door, not minding whether or not it made a loud crashing sound against the wall. People were around Joowon—Doctor Choi, Lee Jaebeom, three nurses, Suho (who has been discharged from the rehabilitation center a month ago and has since been visiting him) and the last person he wanted to see.

Doctor Kim, his father, was there. That only meant one thing.

“It’s me.” It took him almost a minute and three ‘Kim Jongin what’s the matter?’ from the other line before he found the courage to speak. He didn’t imagine calling him first. He didn’t imagine there’d come a time when he’ll call him again. Well, not in this lifetime.

“You said to call you if I ever need anything,” he paused, his grip on his phone so tight, it could break.

“Of course, Jongin. Whatever it is that you need, I promise I’ll help you with it.” he sounded like his father, not the Doctor Kim who Jongin tried so hard to erase from his memory. There was sympathy, concern, and conviction in his voice. Too promising. Too responsible.

“I don’t know when exactly do I need you to do it, hopefully I won’t,” there was a crack in his voice. Jongin is eating up all of his pride, but he needs to be sure. He needs the best. Doctor Choi and Doctor Kwon are not cardiovascular surgeons, and he didn’t know anyone else. At least, anyone who could help. Although Jongin knew he was never the best father, Dr. Kim is most definitely, the best heart surgeon in Seoul. And Kim Jongin knows this truth very well. Even if it hurts; even if his ego tells him no. He needs to be able to grant Joowon her last wish.

“I’ll need you to save someone’s life.”

“Doctor Choi, I’m sorry… but you need to announce it.” It was spoken by one of the three nurses, urgency and concern apparent from her tone.

“Y-yes, I guess, I should.” Now it was a familiar voice. There was an uncommon hint of sorrow from his tone, Jongin heard it for the first time. With a more controlled tone, Doctor Choi continued.

“Lee Joowon.

September 12, 2013.

Time of death: 3:15 PM.”

Jongin didn’t even reach Joowon’s side because his knees finally gave up and kissed the tiled floor. He tasted salt and bitterness and fire altogether as his sweat and tears drained his face.

“Jongin, wait! Jongin, let me explain--” she grabbed his arm, unable to endure the silence between them since their lunch ended. Jongin insisted to accompany her back to her place, but between them, there has not been a word exchanged.

“I didn’t know Jae. I’m sorry…” Jongin heavily sighed, his eyes fixated on the ground. He doesn’t know the reason why he can’t look her straight in the eyes.

“Jongin, why are you saying sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.” She responded as she reached out for his free right hand, for which Jongin quickly snatched back. This time, Jae couldn’t hide the shock from her eyes anymore. That reaction from Jongin was breaking her heart, but what was the deal?

“You… you were easily tired. You said you can’t push yourself too hard. I didn’t think it was because you had a weak heart… I was so stupid!” Jongin cried out, not to her, but to himself in particular, disappointment evident in his face. But this didn’t stop her from blaming herself.

“I—I’m sorry, I should’ve told you before. I should’ve been honest with you.” She lowered her head, and her voice was full of apology.

“But Jongin, you love me now right? Your feelings. No, our feelings… they’re real, right?” She took a step forward, reaching for the side of his cheek with her right hand to lift Jongin’s lowered gaze. His eyes were too clouded. They were hard for her to read.

“Right?” this time, there was a tear in her voice and almost a hint of uncertainty.

“I tried… I tried remembering her face, but I can’t. For the past four years, she was everywhere. Whenever I close my eyes, she’s just there. I remember every detail clearly, like the last time I’ve seen her. But now,” he sounded more and more frustrated. His eyebrows furrowed, they almost formed to a straight line.

“I can’t… Jae, why can’t I picture her face?” He wasn’t even sure if he wanted Jae to hear, but he still ended up asking a question that didn’t seem to beg for an answer. And Jongin couldn’t feel his feet anymore. No, he couldn’t feel any part of his body. It amazed him to know that he could still manage to stand on the ground.

That morning, realizations hit him like wildfire. He recalled the earlier days after Joowon’s gone and how hard he tried to busy himself with anything just to get her off his mind.

There were times, when Jongin would think of something that for sure would make Joowon laugh, so he would turn to look for her and share the joke only to be reminded that she’s no longer there. But Jongin also remembered the past year, especially the most recent months.

There were moments when Jongin would sit alone at the far end of the only café in Venice he cared to know because he thinks they serve caffeinated beverages enough to keep him up, and realizes that he has somehow forgotten the intense jet-blackness of her eyes, or how he would somehow mistake them for a really deep royal blue when she looks at him during the afternoons in her place, their backs lying flat on the grass. And other moments when he started skipping coffee because somewhere during the last year, he was beginning to forget the preciseness of it all—the depth of her laugh, the intensity of the color of her eyes, and even the paleness of her skin. And he was scared, because despite the pain of those recollections, Jongin doesn’t want to forget.

“What do you mean?” she asked, a crack apparent in her voice.

“You just… you act like her sometimes.” It was softer than a whisper, she would’ve believed it if she didn’t hear him correctly.  He was still crying and it broke her heart to see him like this.

“Jongin, I’m Jae. I may have her heart, but I’m not Joowon. I’m sorry for not being completely honest. Believe me, I tried to tell you. But does it matter? You love me for who I am, not because I have her heart. You just love me because you do, right?“

There were vehicles around, people were passing by, but he couldn’t hear any sound. It was Jae, her eyes were teary to the brim, they were begging to fall.

“I never said it.” He repeated with obvious exhaustion

“Huh?” she felt her knees growing weak, everything was too loud now. She wants to run away because she knows that whatever he’s about to say next, it would completely break her. But her body was never cooperative.

“I don’t remember telling you I love you, Jae… I never said it.” Jongin took the hand that was planted on his cheek and brought it back to her side. This was typical Jongin, always pushing people away. He never realized how bad it was for him as well. In front of him was supposedly his new beginning, yet it’s already crumbling down.

“I’m,” her voice was shaking, and tears started running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Jongin. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She finished not waiting for Jongin’s reply. Leaving her broken heart, which is technically not her own, she turned her heel and wiped the tears continuously flowing out from her eyes. There was tightness in her chest, and she hated every bit of it. Her heart wasn’t her heart anymore. Does that mean she loves him now because Joowon loved him before? But she did. Jae’s old heart did. She loved Jongin too, the one who received her pink tulip of appreciation.

She started running with no direction. She only wanted to get farther away from him as possible. Tears blurred her vision, and her mind was too clouded with thoughts. She was feeling so ashamed, so embarrassed, so ungrateful.

There was a loud honk from a car fast-approaching and coming from her right. Everything was too sudden.

The rubber band was pulled too far, it finally snapped.

“Jae!!!” That was the last thing she heard before everything went black.