-Vivere disce, cogita mori-

“It’s here,” Jongin said, halting the older with his left hand, but all eyes now focused on the scenery.

“Oh…” Suho could only say, awed by the natural beauty of the place Jongin calls home. Pinks and whites and yellows scattered all over the meadow.

“Let’s get going then.” Not waiting for any reply, Suho unbuckled his seatbelt and unlocked his door and went out of his car only to be welcomed by the fresh air expected from a land still untamed by first-world pollution.

Inside Suho’s car, the world stopped for Jongin. How many times had he imagined this—returning? It still feels bittersweet. Countless of times when he badly wanted to see this place again and countless of times he resisted because he will never be prepared. In the end, four years of resistance, imaginations and expectations did nothing to make anything less painful.

Jongin didn’t notice that the sun already set until he stepped foot on the hard soil. A few meters away from him is her home, looking like how it always looked before.

“Excuse me, Miss? Miss!” it was Suho’s voice waking him from his sudden reverie, calling for a certain girl whom Jongin do not know. Through Jongin’s eyes, she looks sunburned. It must be from the long hours of staying under the sun. She’s also slender, petite, with long brown hair, in between the color of coffee and honey, dangling just an inch above her waist. And when she diverted her gaze from Suho to look at him, there was a look of shock in her eyes until it rested instead to a look of recognition. Surprisingly, he felt that sudden dryness in his throat and that tightness in his stomach. Yet Jongin is quite sure he has never met her.

“Hi. Um, I am Kim Joonmyeon but you can call me Suho and that is my brother, Jongin.” Suho started and the anonymous girl turned her gaze back on Suho and nodded as if she’d like him to say more. The younger kept rooted in his place, observing the stranger talking to his brother and just a few feet away from him.

“We just came from Seoul to visit a specific person. Lee Jaebeom. Perhaps, you know him?” Her eyes lit after hearing Lee Jaebeom’s name. Jongin thought it was a look of faith and surprise and appreciation and anything along with it. She looked back with eager eyes, as if saying recognize me but Jongin diverted to fixing his gaze on the enormous field again. It looked the same and different at the same time. Like it was enhanced, like it was better than the last time he saw the tulips.

“He’s not around.” She finally said, and Jongin looked back at them seeing Suho’s worried expression and looking at him like he’s asking for the younger one to say something.

“No! That’s not it!” She shook her head and waved her hands in front of her, emphasizing that maybe her prior statement was misunderstood by them. “I mean Uncle Jaebeom’s currently not around, but he will be back the week after next week. He just said he’s going to visit a friend in Seoul, other than that, I do not know.” She ended briskly and Suho sighed partly from exhaustion and partly from knowing their arrival was put to waste.

“Oh, is that so… But uncle? I assume you’re a relative?” Suho started for a conversation. He was always the social one.

The girl shook her head explaining, “Uh not really. But it somehow ended up that way. It’s actually quite a long story.”

“If I might ask of you, what are you doing here if Mr. Lee is not around? No offense, I’m just really curious.” Suho politely said to which the girl only smiled.

“Of course, none taken. Actually, I’m not staying at Uncle’s house. I live downtown. But I volunteered to monitor the place while he’s away. Plus, the tulips need some watering.” She shrugged focusing on the field in front of them. It was only during this time that Jongin realized she was holding a pair of dirty gloves and a pair of scissors in one hand and an empty pail with a blue dipper on the other hand.

“It’s getting dark, I’m sure uncle won’t like it if I keep his visitors out like this. Follow me?” she asked looking from Suho to Jongin and back to Suho. Suho insisted to carry the pail she was holding and then called for Jongin.

“Oh, we were already talking and you’ve already invited us in, but you haven’t mentioned your name yet.” Suho teasingly complained with a smile plastered on his lips. He was walking just a foot beside her while Jongin was trailing behind listening to their conversation. He took note of her smile and something immediately hit him like a strong wave of familiarity. There was a feeling of a tug at the left of his chest, like a rubber band being pulled farther away from both ends. No. No. This is absurdity.

“Jae, you can call me Jae.”

The chimes melodically sang as customers entered and left the El Dorado café—a one-story Spanish inspired café designed with multi-colored stained windows like that of Roman Cathedrals and wood. Black and white paintings of kalesas and guardias in Spanish costume were the only addition to the theme of the café. It was minimalist, almost too simple, too boring. But since Jongin started working as a barista on said café since two weeks ago, more customers have come and returned frequently. A great percent were college girls having a huge crush on the once uptown boy and the rest were regular customers simply returning due to their preference of stronger Spanish coffee.

“I’m off,” Jongin took off his apron and his nametag as he gave Xiumin, another barista, a pat on his back. The latter nodded and smiled, seeing how hard Jongin works.

Jongin hurriedly grabbed his backpack and literally ran out of the café. This is now his routine. He’d wake up, take a bath, head to Joowon’s house to eat breakfast with her, rush to work, visit her house again before returning back to his apartment to take a quick shower and sleep.

Today though, Jongin didn’t go straight to her home. From all the tips he has received, he planned on giving Joowon that specific clip she eyed during their date last week. Of course Joowon said that she didn’t need them anyway, but Jongin knew how much she wanted it. If only he had the money then, he could just have bought it for her in an instant. Instead, he returned to the store the next day and asked the saleslady to give him three days and reserve it under his name.

The problem is, Jongin doesn’t know how to give Joowon his gift. He hasn’t thought of this. Why didn’t he just give it to her when he came?

“Jongin…” how could she articulate his name like that? So warm, so genuine. As if his name was made for her to say it. The owner of the name tilted his head to the side, giving her a look that asks for her to continue.

“Are you okay?” she asked worriedly while Jongin shook his head and motioned her to sit on his lap to which she happily complied. When she finally sat on him, Jongin tilted his head and nuzzled his face at the crook of her neck. His breaths tickled her, making her almost jump from her seat if not for Jongin’s arms locking her waist to pull her back.

“Jongin!” she protested, holding her laughs. Jongin carried Joowon to her bed while planting kisses here and there. “Jong—“ and Jongin stopped, immediately looking at her face to see if she’s hurt or something.

“How are you feeling?” he asked but Joowon only replied with a smile.

“Joo, are you hurt—“ but his mouth crashed with hers. She kissed him so intimately, so longingly, and Jongin could swear he could have kissed her forever if not for her to pull away because she’s almost out of air. Jongin then shifted his position while he rested his forehead on hers, now all of him hovering above her.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t even kiss you for too long.” Joowon’s lips curled to a guilty smile only to be captured by Jongin’s own lips for a chaste kiss.

He shook his head giving her another kiss on her right cheek. “I love you,” he whispered caressing her cheek with his thumb.

“I love you.” Another whisper from him and a tear fell from her left cheek. She could never be any happier.

“I love you too Jongin, more and more and more…” it was all that Jongin needed to hear. And Jongin could see his own reflection through the blackness of her eyes that for some unknown reason, doesn’t lose their shine. He was trapped however, not wanting to be freed, while Joowon got lost in his.

When Joowon woke up the next morning, Jongin wasn’t lying next to her. She grunted, hating how her body needed all these sleep. She couldn’t understand why she needed them when, when the time of her damnation comes, forever is synonymous to sleep.

She finally gets up, stretching her arms on her way to the bathroom. Looking at her reflection from the mirror, she immediately realized a clip attached on her hair. That blue clip! She clearly remembers and she couldn’t help herself as she squealed in delight.

Right away, she heard hurried footsteps coming towards her. “What happened?” it was her father, on his apron, asking her with worry painted in his face. She instantly felt guilty for squealing.

“It’s just… this clip. Sorry dad, I was just really happy.” She bowed her head, feeling sorry for worrying her father who instantly sighed in relief.

“Jongin’s gift huh?” her father gestured the blue clip, not waiting for any response from her daughter as he walked back to the kitchen.

“Are you sure? You know we can just drive back here until Lee Jaebeom’s return—“

“It’s fine, hyung. I’m too tired to go back anyway. I’ll find me a place to stay for two weeks until uncle’s return, and then I’ll see you in Seoul.” Jongin insisted keeping his reserved tone, although it was indeed evident how tired he was.

When Jongin didn’t speak more, Suho nodded half-heatedly. It’s been so long since he last saw Jongin, and now because of his duties as a doctor, he needed to give up his time with him. So much for his plan of smoothening back their uneven relationship.

“I’ll ask Jackie to provide you with a car, I’ll message you his number so you may directly contact him. Call me if there’s anything.” He uttered, playing with his car key in between his fingers and slightly hesitating, waiting for Jongin to change his mind.

“I know. Be careful on the road.” Jongin stood giving his brother a quick embrace which felt warm for Suho.

“Don’t worry, I’ll call mom.” He whispered before pulling back and the older smiled softly. Jongin has forgiven both of them and Suho would forever owe that to Joowon. When Suho waved goodbye to both Jongin and Jae, thanking the latter for her warm hospitality, the darkness has overpowered the sky.

“I apologize in advance, Jongin. Although you look really tired, I could not invite you in. I mean… because you know. I’m a girl… and you’re a boy—oh! But I’m not saying—. You understand, right?” She was stuttering while the flush of red unconsciously colored her face. For the first that day, she saw in him an amused expression. Jongin chuckled briefly while nodding his head assuring her that he truly understands.

“Even if you offered me, I would have declined. Because you’re a girl… and I’m a boy… and we never know.” He shrugged with his lips curved to a teasing smile and with Jae looking obviously dumbfounded.

When Jongin saw her reaction, he didn’t wait for her to speak and hastily added, “I was just kidding.” She sighed in relief and Jongin caught that gleam in her eyes as she quickly responded, “You don’t look like a person who kids though.” She slightly contracted her eyes, slowly examining Jongin and when she realized what she was doing was weird, she stopped.

“Oh well, they say don’t judge a book by its cover,” to which she ended with a beam. Jongin fought to keep himself from grinning. Although he has met her for the first time, he somehow felt that it was very easy to talk to her. Not even easy, but comforting. Maybe it is because of her innocence that Jongin wanted to converse more. And surprisingly, he isn’t the chatty type.

Amidst his exhaustion, it was still barely dawn of Tuesday when Jongin rose from his rented hotel bed. Astoundingly though, he realized it wasn’t the same horrifying thought of her that woke him up. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had this kind of sleep. Just pure darkness. It was oddly serene. But he straightened up the same time he flexed both of his knees until they touch his chest and then he hugged them using both of his arms. Shutting his eyes, he started counting backwards from ten. Instantly, effortlessly, and less painfully, he let himself remember.

Just like before, when the sun still glistened for Jongin, when Joowon was still there, he quickly bathed as he decided to visit her home. The streets were all too familiar. Even with only four months of stay, Jongin knew how to lose and find himself in this place, like how he knew the back of his hand. Ilsan is the place where he spent his happiest days with Joowon and though it was too quick to end, it was all worth it. Four months were their infinity.

With the dominating dimness of the passing dawn, he settled himself, sitting on the grassland inhaling the ironic combination of fresh air, grass and dirt. He misses her again. He misses her still. There was never a day when he did not think of her. Sometimes, intentionally. Mostly, however, his mind would just wander through fleeting memories. The hardest was during the earlier years, when he still couldn’t accept. Barely enduring another day just because Jongin knew that if she was with him, he would clearly see the disappointment in her eyes for looking like he’s throwing his life away again. Those certain days when he struggled to shrug the memories of her because it was too much. Those were the most painful days.

The sun was already shining when he woke up for the second time that Tuesday morning, cautiously having shaken by Jae.

“Please tell me you didn’t end up sleeping here. I already felt bad not offering you a room to Uncle’s house yesterday, I couldn’t even sleep properly.” Jongin slowly sat up, gently rubbing the side of his eyes before looking back at her. Her long wavy hair brushed against her shoulders, blocking his view of the sun. She was wearing a sweater—the color of old mustard with embroidered strawberries at the bottom of each side, over a gray shirt paired with ankle-length denim jeans, intentionally ripped showing her bare knees—and a concerned smile.

Jongin sat right up. “I didn’t sleep here,” he said however, without any emotion that Jae couldn’t decipher if he was telling the truth or if he was just complying with her request.

“I used to visit this place first thing in the morning before. I just thought of doing it again. It’s been so long, I could hardly remember how this place looked during mornings.” He said in a volume that’s too soft it could already count as a whisper. Jae settled herself beside him with a foot and a half of a distance between them. She couldn’t believe how small the world is when she saw him again yesterday. But she realized he didn’t recognize. It has been almost nine years. It’s been so long. For all she knows, she was the only one who cared enough to remember. Besides, she was not even expecting she’d meet him again.

She fixated then her gaze to where Jongin’s eyes focused, to the vast meadow embellished with pinks and whites and yellows. It was the time for the new bed of tulips to start blooming.