-Solitudinem fecerunt, pacem appelunt-

“Wait, let me just stop-by for my daily caffeine fix? Anything you want?” Suho asks, maneuvering the steering wheel expertly to drive-through Starbucks. Indeed, he needed some help from caffeine if he’s going to be the one in front of the steering wheel the whole drive.

“Iced coffee is fine.” Jongin responded while adjusting the temperature of the air conditioner.

“No shots of espresso?” Suho added, his eyes focused on the road.

“That’s about it.” Jongin confirmed. Besides, Jongin doesn’t even need coffee. Those nights that he watched her sleeping taught him how to keep himself awake, and even until now, there’s no trouble staying awake. In fact, the harder part was actually getting himself to sleep without any thoughts of her clouding his mind. Some days he was successful. But then he wakes up straightening himself up and hugging his knees before he shuts his eyes close and start remembering every detail of her. As much as the memories of Joowon kill him, he couldn’t bear to forget.

“Okay. So, what’s the next part of the great story?” the older proceeded after taking in their orders.

Great story. The older said it sincerely. Was it? How could it be considered great when it ended up that way?

“Oh! You still haven’t answered my question. What’s with the tulips?”

Jongin saw hectares of pinks and whites and yellows. If there’s a glimpse of heaven in earth, this would be it.

“This is me.” Jongin didn’t fail to catch the twinkle in Joowon’s eyes when she eagerly stepped out of his car and showed him her home.

“Baby!” A man in his early fifties came into view, running towards Joowon. If Jongin’s instinct was right, the man was probably Joowon’s father.

“Dad! I miss you so much!” Never did Jongin see her so happy like this, but he was grateful to have witnessed everything. It was priceless, and he would do anything to see her cheerful for the next days, months and years of her life.

“Jongin.” The old man reached for his hand,

“Pleased to meet you, sir” and Jongin immediately shook it.

“Ay! Is every metropolitan lad this formal nowadays?” he chuckles lightly, slightly tapping the back of Jongin’s shoulder like a proud father would do.

“No need to be stiff around me, Jongin. Welcome to our humble home. You can help yourself.” He added, in his native accent, while pulling his daughter back to him for an even longer embrace.

“Jongin?” his father’s voice resonated through his left ear. He was calling him for the first time in who-knows-how-long that Jongin couldn’t even believe if he was actually dreaming or not.

“Hello? Kim Jongin?” he even stated his full name. Jongin confirmed this was not a dream, and he would trade everything just to make it one. He never called him before, what made him call now?

“mm.” Jongin could only make a sound for his father to continue. Not even a word, for he does not know certainly what to say in this situation.

“I just… just. Jackie told me you quit your job. Perhaps… do you—do you need anything?” Jongin’s grip on his handheld phone tightened. He can’t believe that until now, his father still pays someone to spy on him.

“Still have so much time in your hands to even care about me?” Jongin sneered violently; the sound of him could cut through the heart of Dr. Kim.

“I… How are you feel—“

“Mom and Suho…” he cut whatever it was his father was trying to utter to him as he harshly ran his free hand through his hair, eyes tightly closed, the bridge of his nose uncomfortably creased as he continues, “…look out for them while I’m away. They might need you… still.” And he ended the call, not waiting for any response from the veteran doctor. He desperately needs to change his number now. Why haven’t he thought of that before?

No matter how hard he tried to completely cut any connection he has from his father, there are just circumstances that prevented him from doing so. His mother and his older brother were the larger part of those circumstances.

“Jongin?” the sound of her frail voice woke him up from his deep trance. On her first knock, Jongin opened the door to an empty room where he is currently staying. He was immediately welcomed by the familiar warmth she could always, effortlessly give to him, making him forget the sullen atmosphere that enveloped him after taking that certain call. She grinned at him and he awkwardly returned the gesture.

“We need to work on that smile.” She remarked and pointed at his lips before inviting herself in his room.

“What’s wrong with my smile?” Jongin asked, closing the door behind him and then rushing behind her. He held her waist and then kissed her passionately, lovingly because even if she’s just a room away from him for a couple of hours, he already misses her. His scent lingers through her room, he smelled of soap and mint and a midsummer night’s dream.

“What were we talking about again?” Joowon asked him while shaking her head looking rather confused, which Jongin finds alluring. She was at a loss when Jongin does his magic and kisses her. And Jongin knew how much he affects her, so he smirks and kisses her again just as lovingly as before.

“I have something to show you.” She said, taking his hand and dragging him out of his room, out of her house, towards the wide grassland full of pinks and whites and yellows.

“These are tulips.” She answers his unmentioned question as she invites him to lie on the ground with her, and to which he instantly complied.

Jongin scooted her in his arms, planting kisses here and there, while she goes on and on with the history of her humble home. This enormous garden was a passion of her late grandmother and was maintained by her after her grandmother died. Joowon found the liking of taking care of flowers, most especially tulips.

“The thing I like most about taking care of them,” she started while looking up to see Jongin’s affectionate eyes. “is that they’ll teach you how to be patient.” She ended with a beautiful smile plastering her face, while the moonlight illuminated her face. Flutter of lashes above her cheeks absorbed the light of the moon and Jongin witnessed flecks of gold as she blinked. For the first time, she doesn’t look so pale.

“Tulips are demanding. It’s like growing a baby…” She bit her lower lip realizing her little mistake when she saw how Jongin reacted towards the word ‘baby’, “… or a puppy! You need to study about them, give them the right amount of care. The first time I saw these tulips bloom after my grandmother died, I felt proud of myself. I thought I was doing something remarkable in my life.” She giggled awkwardly when she saw Jongin’s lips curl to the side. After which, she adjusted herself on Jongin’s arms.

“You’ll be a great mother someday.” Jongin said after awhile, still stuck on the topic of babies, which made her smile.

“Dad said you were handsome, he didn’t expect you to be.” It was obvious that she was diverting the topic to something else, but Jongin wanted to talk to her about it.

“Joo, how many kids do you want to have?” he asked it like how normal people asked about the weather and Joowon couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know that’s impossible.” She countered, not wanting to hope for something. Jongin was already a miracle, asking for more is just selfish.

“No, shh…” He nuzzled his nose under her neck. “Let’s imagine, okay?” he pressed his lips smoothly underneath her jawline and continued, “I want five boys.” He turned to his side, so she would actually be his view instead of the now visible twinkling stars.

“Five?!” she almost cried in disbelief, her eyes getting bigger and he tried to keep a serious façade.

“Five. On second thought, I want a girl too. The youngest!” he went on and this only made her more shocked. Her eyes couldn’t get any bigger, could they?

“Are you out of your mind?” she lightly slapped his arm in disbelief, but she was also amused at how lively Jongin has become.

“Okay fine, just three boys and a girl. Is that agreeable?” his eyes twinkled and Joowon could only agree. These kinds of days when Jongin seemed so full of life are rare and she wanted to live in these times while they last.

“I’ll wake up earlier than you. Every morning, I’ll watch you sleep just a couple more minutes before you wake up too.” This time, she joins in and Jongin smiles knowing she wanted this kind of future with him.

“You’ll cook breakfast and serve the best coffee for yours truly, while I get ready for work.” Jongin continues, planting a couple more kisses on her left cheek.

“You’ll look great on a suit.” She suggested, the moonlight illuminating the blush of her face and Jongin was more in love.

“Am I?” he asked out of being entranced by her beauty. He could feel his heart rate rising, his warm blood flows under his veins. There was electricity from the back of his neck, to his fingertips, reaching until the end of his toes.

“I want to see you in a suit.” She said while she yawned before hugging him more tightly.

“And you’ll look great on a white gown. How about marrying me?” he asked. If she would’ve asked him if he was serious, he would have shouted YES. Instead, there was no response. Joowon started dozing off to dreamland.

It was still dawn when Jongin woke up, paper-thin cold sweat glistened his forehead. He woke up from a nightmare, but thank God it was just a dream. She’s gonna live some more. She’s gonna live some more. He repeated his thoughts as if it’s a new mantra, as if it’s the only way for him to continue living for today.

The next day, he made rounds in the central part of Ilsan to find a part-time job and a nearby apartment for he knows he can’t just stay in her home even if he wants to be with her all day. His savings could barely keep him for about a month and so he really needs a way to earn money. He is still a man, and a man with his overflowing ego for that matter.

The second time he woke up that same day, the sun was already showing off its light to the world. He quickly washed his face and then headed straight to the kitchen where he could smell the inviting aroma of a home-cooked breakfast. How long has it been since he has eaten real food?

“Jongin, you’re up so early?” it was Joowon’s father who acknowledged him before returning his focus on his cooking and even before Jongin could reply.

“uh, y-yes.” He can’t believe he was starting to stutter again. Perhaps, he has never been really comfortable with an older man. To be fair, he has never been really comfortable with anyone aside from Joowon. He took notice of the clothes of the older man, as if he was ready to leave, but immediately shrugged it off since his eyes started to search for another soul.

“She’s still asleep, care to serve this to her once she got up? I need to go to work. My sister will come, but until she comes, will you go check on her for me?” he asked and how could Jongin say no to that? Of course he’d take care of her! If he has all the capacity to be with her twenty-four hours a day, he would. But really, he needed a job.

“Help yourself, I need to go now.” Joowon’s dad said, offering him a plate and the necessary utensils. Jongin stood from his seat and offered to see him off.

“No, no, no! I can handle myself. Thank you, Jongin,” he declined his offer and gave him a warm hug.

“Thank you—really, thank you.” It was the crack on the older man’s voice as he embraced the younger one. It was brief but Jongin could feel the sincerity from those overworked arms, and it was all too familiar. It felt surreal. It was the feeling he felt the last time he let his father hug him to his content, before everything in their life collapsed.

When life was still colorful.

When his family was still a family.

When he was still happy.

And even before he could savor the moment, the older man’s arms weren’t enveloping him anymore. Half a minute soon, he was out the door.

Instead of eating on his own, he walked towards Joowon’s room. Knocking, he heard no reply. Worry struck him when he earned the same reply (or when he earned no reply) from knocking the third time. He did not give a second thought and turned the knob of her door, entering her room, and finding a sleeping Joowon drowning in her sheets. Such a heavy sleeper, he thought as he slowly sat on the floor beside her bed, his view purely consisted of her sleeping face.

He thinks that this could never get old. Him, sitting beside her and just watching her sleep for a little more. It comforts him to be the one to do that instead of the other way around because even if he loves seeing her all giddy and talking, her sleeping face is as perfect. He could see her smiling in her sleep, perhaps dreaming of all the possibilities this life forbade her. Every so often, Jongin would wish to enter her mind and watch her dreams.

She stirred and turned to the other side, yawning with her eyes still closed and Jongin was just thankful for being able to see this moment. This time, he walked to the other side of her bed and although the bed is actually for a single person, he managed to fit himself in.

Lying on his side with his head rested on one of his arms, he stills himself to stare at her sleeping form. She would be waking up soon, and this soon happened to be now as she gradually lifted her lids.

“Morning, beautiful.” He whispered and Joowon turned to the other side, earning soft chuckles from him. Jongin moved closer to her, enfolded his free arm over her waist and pulled her in so her back touches his chest.

“Why are you hiding from me?” he whispered against her ear which earned her a tingling sensation from her spine. She could feel the hairs on the back of her neck rise from his hot breath.

“I was not hiding.” She turned her head to the side for her to be able to see him from her peripheral.

“mm,” Jongin hummed, not sounding like he agrees, but still he finds this amusing.

“I was just… just,” she struggled to find the word as she fiddled with her fingers.

“You look so great in the morning,” he uttered and he didn’t fail to catch the almost immediate crimson painted all over her face. Jongin moved to the side of the bed and gently used his arm to turn her and face him, while she immediately hid her face on his chest. He softly laughed and she could feel the rise and fall of his chest.

“Jongin.” She murmured while she drew random circles on his protective arms.

“mm?”

“Is it okay if I ask you to kiss me?” she asked abruptly, and Jongin was taken aback. But again, she was always so honest. Whatever her thought was, she could just say it out loud and not be scared of the world. It was one of the many things he liked most about her. Somehow, he wished he could do the same.

Jongin then pulled away from his embrace as he held her chin up. For a moment, he stared at her eyes and seeing within them his own.

“Okay,” he said, almost a whisper, before leaning in for a deep and breath-taking good morning kiss.