-Non est ad astra mollis e terris via-

The morning of Jongin’s fourth night spent with Joowon was like any other days he spent with her. Breakfast consisted of their healthy conversations over their hospital plates and metallic utensils. Sunshine more willingly penetrates their window, the only thing they freely invite in unlike all the artificial hospital objects obliged in them.

Lunch, was a side dish of failed jokes for only Joowon to appreciate. Main dish for her consisted of Dr. Kwon injecting something at her plastic tube that seemed to make her veins whiter than how they seemed just the night before, while Jongin’s consisted of mainly staring at nothing in particular while listening to calming breaths that he sure weren’t his own.

And dinner was supposed to be the time for Joowon to wake up for the next four hours in preparation for her next dreamily drift.

If it was just her almost deaf-sounding breaths, Jongin would have guessed that she was just sleeping longer than usual. For once, because she actually did it, but that night… it’s not the case.

Joowon was awake. Eyes tightly closed as if she’s been in deep pain for too long. She grunted in ache, softly at first until her cries reached the end of the universe. Her heart-rate monitor started beeping wildly, and maybe if it goes on like this for several hours it might actually break.

Jongin was alarmed, but although he was panicking, he knew exactly what to do and that is to press the button over his head to call for emergency. ! ! ! He curses under his breath after hurriedly letting his still weak form end up hovering beside her bed.

She reacted as soon as he touched her and Jongin never felt so terrorized in his life. Joowon was completely in pain, that even the slightest touch of Jongin’s hand looked like it burned her skin and she could only cry.

“Shhh...” without touching her for he knows it’ll hurt, Jongin hushed her quietly.

“It’s gonna be okay. The doctors are on their way, Joo. You’re gonna be okay.” He tried his best to sound calm as possible. Thankfully, just after he said she’s going to be fine, he heard the door creak open with Dr. Choi and few nurses coming to Joowon’s side.

“What’s happening? Doctor Choi, can you tell me what’s happening?” now that Doctor Choi is in, he didn’t care how demanding and aggressive and scared his voice was, because goddamnit he’s more than shocked for his life!

Jongin felt invisible after being dragged back to his bed. He ended up being ignored while the Doctor and the nurses did their work on Joowon. Sedating her and injecting her system with painkillers and some more liquid Jongin isn’t really familiar with until she’s back to sleep.

“I apologize about that, Mr. Kim. It might be your first time to actually see this, but she’s experienced worse.” He doesn’t know if it was the professional tone of unconcern from the doctor or the fact that Joowon was experiencing this kind of pain or both that made Jongin’s throat felt like burning. He hated the world again.

“What’s her case?” he knew he couldn’t just let the doctor go with this new question being left unanswered.

The doctor looked surprised, as if he has no clue why Joowon’s roommate doesn’t know her condition yet.

“I apologize for this yet again.” With no change of emotion on the his face nor tone, the doctor shook his head.

“As part of our professional conduct, we couldn’t just disclose our patient’s information for confidentiality. You’re very much aware of this, I suppose?” then he pressed his lips together, ready to walk out of the same door he just barged in half an hour ago. Jongin curses the unfair laws of the universe, including the professional etiquette of the Doctors. Oh how much he abhors them.

“By the way, there’s an available room on the left wing for you Mr. Kim. You’ll be transferred there as early as tomorrow morning, perhaps after your breakfast? At least say your goodbyes—“

“I’m not going anywhere.” Not letting the doctor finish his statement, Jongin started walking back next to her bedside.

“Tell my father I’m completely fine, and I’m staying here until I’m fully recovered.” He finishes, dismissing the doctor without looking back at him. Instead, his eyes were fixated on the two-shade paler Joowon. For the rest of the night, he watches her sleep, like a knight under the silver moonlight.

“I like you.” It felt like the nights when she was having her unexpected attacks. Nonetheless, all her attacks were uncalled for. That’s just how it is.

“What?” Yet she still asks, not omitting the part where she intonates a playful tone. Perhaps, something inside her wished Jongin doesn’t mean it like how she thought. Besides, it has been two days since her most recent attack, yet Jongin never mentioned anything about it. Minus the fact that Jongin was being more attentive to her and acting as if she could get hurt anytime, their days were usual. Plus, he’s going to be discharged tomorrow, there is no reason for them to see each other again.

“I like you, Joo.” He claimed her hand, looking down to level with her eyes. She tried to look away, but Jongin’s free hand gently caught the side of her face to keep it from staring elsewhere other than him.

“How can you just say that?” She asked with a defensive tone. She loosened Jongin’s grip in her hand and tightly closed her eyes with furrowed eyebrows.

“Jongin, you don’t know what you’re saying.” This time, she slightly opened her eyes and looked straight on his own pair sincerely.

“I’m sick, Jongin. The last thing you should feel is to like a sick girl like me.” she tried to smile amidst her now falling tears, but Jongin didn’t fail to wipe every tear with his gentle hands.

“Damn it, I know. Joo, I know that you’re sick. I know that you’re in pain, spent the time in this hospital for weeks, months, maybe years—“

“Two years, in and out.” She cuts him with tears falling endlessly out of her eyes. Jongin was surprised, he didn’t really expect her to be here for that long time, but he brushed the information just as easily.

“Two years, okay. But does it matter? Every night I thank God, or whoever He is that kept me alive when I badly wanted to escape my existence, because dying brought me to you. Joo, I like you. More than I like you even, I love you?” he couldn’t be more honest than this. He felt liberated, crying out how much he felt without the world judging him.

“It’s going to hurt liking me, Jongin. I have cancer, stage 4. Change your mind while you can. It’s really easy, like controlling your mind. It works for me most of the time.” He was surprised. He knew she was sick. Some part of him hinted it was even cancer. But stage four? He’s never good with estimation.

Joowon is a girl that has discovered a demon living inside of her for more than two years now, and she calls it H. Pylori, which only lead people to a more general term—stomach cancer. Jongin didn’t know why it made his stomach churn, in a negative way, when she told him ‘it runs in the family.’

“This life is brutal, and eventually more things, people, are just out there waiting patiently to hurt and watch us fall. We just have to decide what or who they are. See to ourselves that they deserve every pain.” He claimed back her hands and kissed the back of them, her right first then left.

Then, his right hand claimed her face again with his thumb caressing her cheeks. It was undeniable, both their walls are now crumbling down in front of them.

“Joo, break me all you want. Share me your pains…I’m choosing you.” Her tears started falling, yet again. This time, from happiness instead of pain. She likes the man in front of her too, but she kept on telling herself that Jongin will leave eventually. Because for a weak girl like her, falling in love is not part of her symptoms, only pain. Yet there he was, her miracle; someone willing to love her.

She prays harder for the night to last. He started believing in the power of prayers again.

Under the same moonlight, he presses his lips on hers and she responds. In the end, some things will hurt but right now they choose to love.

“Is it really okay, for her I mean?” Jongin sounded rather worried, different from how he sounded when Joowon told him she’s going to be discharged tomorrow. How could he fret in front of her when she looked like she just won a ticket to freedomland?

“I’ve done my check-ups on her, she’s stable and she’s doing really well. She’ll be fine with the pills, I’ll schedule the therapies. It’s time to give her the big break.” Doctor Choi explained and Jongin have no choice but to agree.

“Call me if there’s anything.” The doctor added and for the first time, Jongin heard a slight sound of concern in his voice. Somehow, it made him feel a little uneasy, but he shrugged the thought away.

When Jongin returned to her room, he noticed another figure sleeping a few feet away from her. Thankfully, since his discharge, her roommate has never been another guy. Jongin would probably do what he can to prevent another man from becoming her roommate. He’s possessive, but then again, everyone who’s in love is.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He softly called for her attention when he noticed her looking straight at nothing in particular. She shook her head, and when Jongin was behind her, he gave her a peck on the right cheek while pulling her close in his arms.

“You smell good.” She remarked and Jongin couldn’t help but laugh. He couldn’t comprehend how she could just tell him anything that’s probably in her head. That just adds to the many reasons why he keeps on falling for her, harder, deeper, endlessly, every single day.

“Aren’t you feeling well? We can reschedule. You want me to call your father?” He questions when he noticed her being unusually silent again. Jongin hadn’t met her father yet, but they talked through the phone. It’s strange that he accepted him almost immediately. He’s thankful that Joowon’s father trusts him to take care of her.

“No!” immediately, her eyes got wider while she kept on shaking her head assuring Jongin that she’s perfectly fine.

“It’s just that…” she bit her bottom lip looking quite sullen for a reason Jongin doesn’t have any clue of.

“What is it?” he couldn’t keep himself from asking. If he could read her mind, he wouldn’t have a problem with anything. It’s just over the top crazy. How can a complete stranger to him last month suddenly become the only person that mattered?

“I don’t know. I feel excited and uneasy at the same time. It feels like today's my last time to be here. I’m going to miss them… Doctor Choi and Doctor Kwon especially. For two years, they have been really patient with me. Before, I’ve been left behind. I never thought being the one to actually leave hurt as much. People couldn’t stay for a long time, could they?” she confessed, not really asking for an answer in return.

“I’ll be with you. Will that be enough?” Jongin softly asks before she turned to face him and bury herself on top of Jongin’s chest.

He most definitely was.