See I cant wake up, I'm living a nightmare
that keeps playing over again
locked in a room, so hung up on you
and you're cool with just being friends

Left on the sideline,

Stuck in the red light,

Waiting for my time,

So just tell me, Why don’t you love me?

 

One year ago.

It was midnight, I was in the studio with the girl, working our next album, This time I was wrote all 2NE1’s songs since Teddy-oppa really busy with his wedding party and honeymoon things so I took this as a chance for challenging myself to wrote more songs and see will it work in the market or not.

“Chaerin-ah, your phone is ringing” Bom unnie handed me my phone.

“Thanks” I took it and then stared at the screen. ‘Jiyong, Kwon’

“Why does he want in the middle of the night?” I asked myself. “Unnie, I’ll back in a minutes. Don’t burn the studio” I left the studio.

 

“Can I help you?” I said.

“I saw her!” He shouted.

“What? You saw who?” This crazy dragon is really..

“My girlfriend, she is here in Korea! The rumor is right, she’s cheating on me!” He said/

“One, she is your EX. Two, what rumor? She said it clearly days ago that she is in love with somebody else, it’s not called by cheating you moron!”

“Gosh, please come here, I cant take it anymore..” His voice started to cracked.  Is he gonna cry? Gosh. Is he really a dragon? He said his mom is dreamt about a dragon when she was pregnant with him in dragon year. That’s why he was named a dragon but I think his mom is mistook a earth worm with a dragon.

“Is Xin with you? God, no, he is on date now, Youngbae? Soohyuk?” I asked.

“No one..” And then he hung up the phone.

“.. This boy really” I came back to the studio and the girls looked at me worried.

“GD?” Bom asked. I nodded.

“He is drunken state, I have to go and make sure he isn’t caught by paparazzi” I said, grab my coat and car keys then leave the studio.

 

***

 

The music pumped loud in one of the night club in Itaewon. This place is very and disgusting. There are striptease dancer, drunk people, s, what the is that earth worm doing in here? If he get caught by fans or paparazzi he will be dead for sure. Ew, I will never come to this place again. Ever.

Then I found someone on the sidebar, burry his head on the table. Obviously, drunk.

“Ya!” I hit his back and he turned his body.

He smiled and hugged me “You come!”

Ugh, he smell like alcohol. “Let’s go home..” I said. He didn’t answer and didn’t even let me go.

I paid for his drink and drove him home.

“Where is your car?”

He didn’t answered.  Gosh he is so heavy!

 

He keep talking nonsense on the way home. He talked how much he is in love with her and how hurt his heart is now after she left.

I didn’t talk anything to him but busy to call someone who can take care of him now.

WHERE THE HELL IS NUTHANG IN THIS SITUATION?!

 

***

 

I really have hard time dragged him to his room. Thanks god we are living in the same apartment –in the different floor- so I know exactly that this place is safe and no one going to misunderstand us.

BRUGG!

I threw him to his bed. And quickly stretching my back.

“Damn you are so heavy!” I complained. He soundly asleep right now.

“You should very thankful to have me as a friend! I can be your friend, your maid, your mother, your sister..” I talking to him who was asleep.  Now, I sounds so stupid.

I went to the bathroom and brought a bucket of water and a towel, I came to his bedroom again and started to washed his face with the wet towel.

I pulled his jacket and shoes off then let him asleep.

I brushed his hair with my hand and sat beside him. I can feel the heat on his head, he is got a fever. I bet he is sick because he don’t even eat regularly nowadays, after she left.

Sigh.

I still can remember how hurt he is after she came to his studio few days ago and said that she can’t stay with him because she was in love with someone else and she tired of being sneaky. Which is stupid, I thought, come on, he is sooooo in love with her. She was his everything, he will sacrifice everything just to be with her.

She just a demand more, what a ..

 

“You shouldn’t do this, you should let her go instead hurting yourself..” I whispered, still brushing his hair with my fingers.

“Because if you hurt, I hurt..” I laid my head on his chest. Heard his heartbeat, beating fast and strong. Signaling that he still alive.

“Why you never let us be happen? Am I not good enough for you?” I asked him softly.

“If you really never wanted ‘us’ to be happen, at least, be okay.. Don’t be like this. It’s killing me to see the tears coming out of your eyes, while I tried my best to make you happy here, she just came around suddenly and drawn sad face on your face.. It’s killing me..” I said.

 

***

 

 

 

“Gosh I must be so embarrassing last night!” He said wile ate the bacon and eggs that I cooked for the breakfast. I stayed over his place last night and I was asleep on his chest. Damn, fortunately, I woke up earlier than him  so he doesn’t know that I was asleep on his chest. It would be awkward.

“Yeah, totally. You are ed up dude!” I said while munching my toast.

“I was so glad you came, I wouldn’t do that again..”

“You better be, I wouldn’t let you do anything stupid more than this..”I said calmly.

He smiled at me and stood up.

“Where will you go?” I asked him.

“To you!” He suddenly picked me up and threw my body to the couch and tickling me to death.

This guy.. -_____________-

 

***

 

After that night, we get even closer. I always get worried he is going to do something stupid again, so I always watch him and be with him. Sometimes I still caught him staring at space and cried when no one is around so I sleepover in his flat for weeks.

We don’t do anything more than I’ll cooked breakfast for us, we ate together and going to the studio together. After work, we  will going home together and I’ll make dinner for us and we will ate it while watching movies together then sleep. He was in his room and I was in the guest room next to his. I stayed in his place for weeks, and weeks turned into months..

I can believe it’s been 4 months since I lived together with him without our friends knowing.

Live together?

Literally, yes. I was live in the same place with him but I don’t know what he was thinking  about us. All I know is he considered me as a friend that he can count on and I am the only one who already saw him in his worst state maybe that’s why he trust me that much. The truth is, I am so happy to be even closer to him. It makes me like I have a position in his life.

Am I?

Kwon Jiyong, can you tell me my position in your life?

 

I ever caught him staring into her picture on the magazine I bought, I swear I don’t even know she was there and if I knew, I wouldn’t even let that ing magazine get near to this place.

“Ah this magazine is so lame.. Who even read this, ha ha ha” I laughed nervously ,grabbed the magazine from his hand  then threw it to the trash can.

He didn’t moved after I took the magazine away from him.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t checked it before I bought that and brought it here..”

“Nope, it isn’t your fault” He smiled at me and held my hand. “Thank you..” He said.

I smiled at him. “No problem”

 

As long you are happy again,

Why not?

 

The relationship between  us get even closer and I finally moved into his apartment. He helped me to packed my things from my apartment and moved it to his. We never really fight, okay, we fight sometime about what movies we going to watch tonight or when I found he didn’t washed the dishes or when we decide what we going to eat for dinner. Days by days I more feel like a married couple instead he feels like brother and sister who got stuck in their home because their parent is abroad.

 

“Gosh, that was so romantic..” I said after watching a Notebook in the night while Jiyong just frowned beside me because he can’t believe that  I like this kind of movie.

“Stop crying, it’s just movie..” He handed me the tissue box.

“You dare said it to me? I am not someone who cried weeks because of broken heart” I said while wiping my tears. “Why they didn’t make movie about what happen after that ending kiss”

“They did. It’s called by ” He said. I rolled my eyes.

“Why the kisses in the movies always felt romantic and intense, I wonder if my kiss would be like that..” I said.

“Wait.. you never kissed?”

“I have, but.. it was in middle school. That was just peck..”

“REALLY? You are 22 and you never got a REAL kiss? I bet you’ll bit you future boyfriend lips until its bleed and he died because ran out the blood” He laughed.

I pouted. He is annoying.

“You are too funny!” He pinched my cheek with both hands and inevitably looked straight to my eyes.

We stopped for the moment and I.. I don’t know where was I got the courage to leaned and gave him a kiss on the lips. He looked surprised as his eyes opened but he didn’t stop either.

“Are you dying right now? Is your bleed ran out?” I whispered. He chuckled and kissed me again. Now he is straddled on my body and kissed me hard, his tongue on my mouth and savored every corner of my mouth. Our fingers entwined and it fits perfectly just like it made for each other.

All I can remember is how I he takes my breath away that night.

 

***

 

                That night change everything, he started acted more touchy and daring. He hugged me from behind when I cooked breakfast for us, buried his head on my neck and kissing it then we ended up kissing in the kitchen. We kissed each other before go to work, stealing kisses in the middle of watching movie or hard kiss before we both asleep.

                And that hard kiss leading to something even further.

 

“Mmh..”I moaned as he leaving some mark (again) on my neck. I have a mental note to wore another high neck shirt again tomorrow. His lips come back to my lips again and that tongue savored my mouth again. When I tried to entwined my hands to him, his hand was busy to sneaked into my shirt and touched my . I moaned harder because of the strange feeling I had right now. Is the air conditioner is still on? Why did I feel so hot like I was surrounded by fire?

I don’t know what he did but now my shirt was off and the pink undergarment is the only thing left on my body. He started to kissed my s and I whimpered because of the feeling which even stranger yet better.

“I still can stop..” He said. “I really still can” He breathed heavily and looked into my eyes. Asking my permission.

I looked at his eyes, “I don’t want you to..” I leaned to him to captured his lips.

 

 

And we did it. If you asked me, what do I feel about it? My heart was like ripped of and take sides. One side, I felt really guilty, and ashamed and disgusting for giving my body so easily to someone that longing for years, but the other sides, I felt really happy to be him, body, soul and heart even though maybe he didn’t feel the same with me.

And , our friends never know about it.

In work we just like what we are used to be. I talked to him like there is nothing happened between us and never mentioned anything about living together. When he brought the boys home I’ll be in 2NE1’s dorm and not forget to locked my room so the boys wouldn’t come to my room.

Jiyong is doing well, he even gained weights and blamed me for giving him much delicious food and he never mentioned ‘her’ ever again. He just being an old Jiyong, the cheerful and cute oppa like he used to be, before he met her.

And it’s been seven months since we’re living together. Time flies really quickly and its been months of paradise for me. But who knew, the next months is going to be a highest level of hell for me. When she suddenly appeared in the studio, crying and begging Jiyong to come back with her. in front of me. In front of ing me.

“Chae, let’s go, don’t bother them..” Youngbae oppa dragged me out of the studio.

“But..” I am about to spilled everything but I looked at Jiyong-oppa who stared at her with… I don’t know, something like the mixed version of miss and hurt stare.

I realized that I have no chance at all for being in his life whatever I did. Whatever I did.

“Hey, day dreaming?” Youngbae oppa asked me in the cafeteria after he dragged me out from the studio before.

“No, more like realized something… Oppa, I will go back to home, I am really tired” I smiled at him. “Can you drive me home? I left my bag in the studio, I don’t think it is right to come to the studio right now”

“Yeah you are right, I’ll drive you home..”

 

.

.

.

 

Youngbae left after dropping me in the apartment. I hold my tears too long and I can’t hold it any longer. Right after I closed the main door of this room my knees got weakened and I sat up then cried. Out loud. I never really cried before. I didn’t wanted to cried over something stupid and I am not cried because I was hurt, no, I cried over my stupidity. I should know that he never feel the same as I am. I should know right from the start.

 

***

 

He didn’t come home yesterday nor he called me. I am sure he is back with her right now, I am really sure. While he was happily reunited with her lovely pretty girlfriend I think I better packed up my things to the apartment, my apartment.

“What are you doing?” I turned my body and find him staring from the door.

“2NE1 will be comeback in weeks, I just think we should living together in the dorm again so everything will easier” I said.

“Let me help you..” He came to help me but I stopped him.

“It’s okay, you should take a rest, I will make you dinner..” I smiled at him then left him in the room. He  obviously happy, it was drawn on his face he just shocked that I packed my things so he didn’t tell me anything.

.

.

.

“So, how is she?” I asked him while poured some chicken soup on his bowl.

“Great”

“Good..” I said. He kept staring at me.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” I smiled at him.

“It is just weird…” He murmured.

“Nothing is weird, you already eat?”

He nodded. But kept eat my soup.

“Then don’t eat it again, you’ll get stomachache, you should tell me so I wont  cook, aigoo..” I said.

“When will you moved out?” He asked. Ignoring my question.

I smiled faintly at him, so you want to asked it? You wanted to kicked me out now?

“Tomorrow, don’t worry.. I.. know my position.  I’ll go to sleep right now, night oppa..” I said. Left him dumbfound in the dining table.

***

 

                After it I tried my best to forget whatever I went through with him  for the past few months, every memories and every moments that I had with him I kept it only in my mind and heart nobody have to know about it. He got back together with her again and I heard that they planned to live together but they still looking for the new apartment since she thought his is not big enough for them. I congratulate him and pretend like I was so happy he finally have his happily ever after –I thought- and what killed me is, he is okay.

He never asked me again about ‘us’. He acted like whatever we have done months ago was nothing. Like it was never existed. I realized that I was in the rebound relationship before.

                I tried my best to move on, I getting busy with my things, concert, song writing, dance practice, photoshooting etcetera.I have done anything to make the thought of him disappeared of my mind. We’re still hanging out with the boys, and he always brought her with him, he looked a bit thinner that’s made me a bit sad. She is so different from me. I was wondering maybe that’s the reason I never get a chance to be in her position.

                Everything  is being good for him, and miserable for me, of course. Until that night which I just couldn’t even imagine how angry I am. I was took care of him so well and treated him well but he just ruined himself like he was useless. It hurt me so much because I would die to protect him while he is the one who make himself hurt. That night when I can finally express my self and the night when I can feel he isn’t treated me like I was his lovely hoobae but a girl. A girl that love him.

                I don’t know what it happened with them but all I know is he punched one guy in the club with bottle in front of her  then he started to screamed and cursing at him. I implied that guy is maybe his girlfriend kept man or what.. He was drunk once again and fortunately I came in the right times to dragged him home but this time is different. He insisted to drove and I can’t do anything about it. He brought me to the place he used to come with her when his birthdays years ago, to the very silent alley full of gravity which was drawn by him and her.

“OPPA STOP! STOP IT!!!” I screamed when he was ran out from the car and started hit the wall with his hands.

“JIYONG-OPPA STOP!!” Gosh All I can do is shouted from the car. It is ing rainy outside. But he kept hitting the wall. The wall that was drawn by him and his lovely pretty girlfriend.

Gosh if he kept hitting it he will broke her hands for sure.

I ran to him and took his hand off from the wall then stand in front of him.

“GO!! GO HIT THE WALL AGAIN! BEFORE YOU HIT THE WALL, HIT ME FIRST! CAN YOU DO THAT!!” I shouted. I was damn wrenched because of the rain.

He stared at me and scream “ARGH! GO!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE HER!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I FEEL NOW HUH? YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME DON’T YOU? ANSWER ME?! YOU DON’T!!DON’T ACTED LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! DON’T!” He pushed me hard and started to hit the wall again. 

“YA!! YOU ING JERK!! YOU ARE SUCH AN ! COWARD!!” I screamed. He stopped hit the wall and stared at me. I slapped him.

“BLAME HER! BLAME EVERYONE!! BLAME HER HURTING YOU!  ALL YOU CAN DO IS BLAME EVERYONE AND GOT DEPRESSED! HURTING YOURSELF! YOU ARE STUPID!!” I screamed, cried.

“WHY YOU ALWAYS THINK THAT THE ONLY ONE WHO GET HURT IS YOU? HUH?! WHY YOU ARE SO SELFISH?! I LEND MYSELF LAST YEAR SO YOU CAN STOP HURTING YOURSELF AND MOVE ON FROM HER, I GAVE YOU ALL OF ME, EVEN I KNOW YOU WOULDN’T GAVE ME ANYTHING BACK! THEN SHE ‘S BACK AND I LET YOU GO, I LET OUR STORY GO LIKE NOTHING WAS HAPPENED BETWEEN US! I SMILED LIKE A FOOL IN FRONT OF YOU AND CRIED LIKE A BABY IN THE NIGHT WHEN NO ONE’S AROUND. I SLAPPED MY SELF EVERYTIME I LOOK AT YOU SO I WOULDN’T STARE AT YOU FOR TOO LONG BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU!” I broke down in front of him. My heart hurt too much.

All he can do now is staring at me, shocked.

“I HATE YOU!! I HATE MY SELF FOR STUPID! WHY SHOULD I GAVE MYSELF TO AN SELF ABSORBED LIKE YOU! WHY SHOULD I GAVE MY ALL TO YOU SO YOU CAN STOP HURTING YOURSELF IF IN THE END ALL I DID FOR YOU IS USELESS!!” I hit his chest many times, relieving my anger and he tried to catch my hands and calming me.

“Chae.. chae..” He pushed me to the wall and kiss me.

Kiss me hard in the middle of the night, on the rain.

 

***

 

I never wanted to get near to him ever again. I hate him with all my life. I never greeted him when we met. I never went to his studio ever again. I stayed in my own studio –was Teddy’s before until Teddy have a new studio- and started being extra workaholic, I attended many fashion events so I can meet people. More people.

 

One of them is Godfrey.

His name is Godrey Gao, he is a model and actor in Taiwan. But he currently living in US since he have contract for Hollywood movies. He is six feet tall and very charming.

He sat beside me in the NY Fashion Week and our first talk is very unique.

NY Fashion Week this year is torturing me. I have to go to the NY Fashion Week with Jiyong. And  his girlfriend is one of the model. She was Moschino model. They always locked to each other while I was went around by my own. Luckily, Xin was with me. He kept asking me why I didn’t talked with Jiyong and acted coldly with almost everyone but I never really answered him. Gosh, this freaking short dress make me freezing, I was got a slightly cold.

By the way, this guy beside me is annoying. He kept smiling to me.

“Why are you smiling like that, am I know you?” I asked.

“No, but camera is around miss, you wont look good in the media” He said.

“I am not trying to impress everyone..” I said.

“Me too, but I wont let everyone mistook me as a bad person, and do you know you strained more muscle when you get mad instead when you smile..” He said.

I kept silent.

He looked at me then frowned. And took off his coat then covered my legs with his Balmain coat.

“D-don’t, they will mistook us..” I said.

“You two know each other?” One of the reporter asked. He just smiled and said “Yes…”

“Godfrey, is CL your girlfriend?” Other reporter asked. Oh, so his name is Godfrey.

“No, we are just, newly friend, right… CL?” He said. I just nodded and looked to the camera, finally smiled.

“Finally a smile..” He said.

I chuckled.

 

Godfrey is the sweetest and nicest man the girls always wanted to find.

He is totally the prince type and never even brag himself for being extra handsome and gentle.

He swept my feet off from the ground and treated my like a princess.

Flowers, candle light dinner, kisses, hot steamy bed were all him.

He played basketball  and have a tons of handsome friends who are totally Dara’s type. Maybe I should met her up with Godfrey’s friend next time.

He teach me basketball  then he will playfully lift my body so I can do the slamdunk. It’s pretty funny. Even after we played it, we always ended up making out in his basketball field. Thank’s god it was indoor and private.

 

***

 

Taka-san is a different story.

We met in the Simple Plan’s concert in Japan. He’s got featured with Simple Plan and I can tell he has a very good voice.

He is short but adorable and cool at the same time. He is a vocalist so there is no doubt he got so many groupies around him. His charisma is just inevitable.

Our first met isn’t as dramatic as it should be, it’s just simple and natural. I was being sneaky to watch Simple Plan’s concert because I was bored in the hotel so I asked my cousin who lived in Japan to go with me but she can’t do it since she has concert to taken care of. She is a stage manager so I decide to go to her workplace and met her in the backstage.

I looked at someone with a not too long but nor short curly hair who is very serious playing his guitar while humming. He is got a very beautiful voice.

“Who is that?” I asked my cousin.

“He is Taka-san from One Ok Rock, he is got featured with Simple Plan”

“Cool, he is got a beautiful voice too” I said.

“Yes he is, he wrote song too, Taka-san, come here! My cousin want to meet you” She said while dragged me to him. really.

“H-hi, I’m Chaerin..”I said.

“I’m Taka.. nice to meet you” He smiled. He is very cute. Not a handsome one, but more like a cutest boy in highschool type.

“She is a singer too, in Korea, she is very famous!” My cousin said. My face getting red of embarrassment. God, really.

He chuckled then we talked a lot after it.

He invited me to his studio and met me up with . I still can remember how funny is that when he told me stories about attitude when they were still slept in the dorm and how serious he was when he teach me to play guitar. He wrote me lyric and never failed to send me cute and sweet text massages just like a highschool lover.

 

***

 

Back to present.

 

“Married?” I asked Godfrey who is kneeling in front of me right now. My hands is shaking. ‘He is proposing?’

He nodded.

“But I.. we just met, we weren’t together for long time yet, we need to know each other before we can step to next stage” I said.

He stood up. He came to me and brushing his thumb to my cheek.

“I don’t know, I just feel that I have known you for long time, so I asked your permission to love you long time too..” He said brushing his nose to mine.

“I can’t answer it now, Godfrey,  I’m so sorry”

He just smiled at me even he is obviously hurt.

“Then make this ring as a promise ring, as long as you wore this, you are mine. And I will waited patiently until you finally take it off this ring and change it to our wedding ring” He took my hand and put it on my ring finger. I stare at the ring.

“I love you so much, Lee Chaerin” He said then kissed me romantically.

 

***

 

See I'm just too scared, to tell you the truth
cause my heart can't take any more
broken and bruised, longing for you
and I don't know what I'm waiting for