☁ Kim Jongin's Corner ☁ ❝ [review and recommendation] ❞

review prepared by: xiupao-masarap

1. TITLE (8/10) It's not that I don't like it. Actually, I do, but as far as I have understood the story, it should have been  more of an original one, since I observed that the story is based on the movie Frozen, which, as far as I do know, is based on a story about the Snow Queen. So it could have been a title that make sense as to what Luna's power might have been, or as to what she feels as their relationship with her brother grow distant. But nonetheless, it still fits.

2. OVERALL APPEARANCE (10/10) I like the appearance! I usually want to read stories that are justified, but I won't tell the author since she wanted her body to be left aligned, but I was impressed to see that someone else does see justified text formal. The border (the masks) was very attractive. It wasn't too overwhelming, but it isn't also too blant. It's perfectly syncronized with the concept of the story.

3. DESCRIPTION (9/10) As I scan your description, I came past in a realization that the tense you wrote about Luna's parents locking her out of the world was a little mean, I guess. I really can't understand how her parents would do that, especially after what had happened, shouldn't Luna knew better? I don't know, but the synopsis was greatly written and projected.

4. FOREWORD (8/10) I read this part: would avoid him when he tries to come near her. Isn't it supposed to be just afraid to harm him again, and just that? Because as far as I understood Hyoseok's character, he is the one approaching her, so that means he is entirely not avoiding her. And what about the thing about the King? I never thought that it would be a historical/fantasy one since I've read something about blowdryers somewhere in the first part of the one-shot. But, don't worry! It's a small fracture we can fix, and it only damage a little about the story itself. :)

5. MAIN STORY (20/30) If we could have been a little original, I guess this story would be a hit! I note some similarities of what we have from Frozen to your story, and it just appeared to be that the concept was just the same. Also, I can see a similarity at your exposition to the exposition of the movie. I was a little unsure if it will end like what the ending of the movie appeared to be. And also the thing about her parents leaving for a vacation for five months and leaving her daughter with her brother seems so... unrealistic? I mean, if they wanted to protect his son or other people away from her powers, shouldn't they not be leaving her for that long. I do know that phoenix are just beings that is made out of fire, because they are reborn from their ashes. But it's a little creative that we have an ice phoenix. What I think is missing in the plot is the atmosphere and setting (time or date) of the story. I really don't know in which era this story happened. And during the ball! I felt like watching Carrie in a good way!

6. OVERALL ENJOYMENT (5/5) Even though I made some detailed remarks, nonetheless, I enjoyed your story so much! DID YOU MADE THIS? :http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs24/i/2008/015/7/7/fire_wolf_by_wolfbecks.jpg

7. FLOW (2/5) Somehow I think this part of the rubric has something to do with writing and plotting, but I should remark how it is important to be detailed, and that that details should help improve the way the story works. I can see that you divide your stories so that we can skip something, but I recommend not doing that at times. It is important for the readers to know what happened before that specific event, and that it should contain more information about characters because that makes them real. As far as I know of Luna, she just accidentally hurt his brother, nothing more. I guess that made me upset since Luna is the lead role, and I have no idea about her life before. Adding character backgrounds gives them the feel of reality.

8. WRITING (7/10) Be careful in using 's in words that doesn't even need one. I realized that action isn't your best suit especially at how the fire got out very fast in the story. I recommend adding more suspense to that (I don't know, maybe make Yoongi use his ice element to extinguish fire, or make us see how he freeze a falling debris, or add another character that controls water?) because it would add and sum up all the investments of the readers to your story. And somehow I never felt like they were seventeen years old. I'm really disappointed how Luna found the place she's at outside the city. It happens all at the same time for me, and it feels odd. It happens so fast with no details and foreshadowing. But I'm happy for the end :)

T O T A L : 69/ 100