22nd OF MARCH, 2011 

It had only been two weeks. Two weeks, yet it felt like decades. The last days had been just a blur; as if he had been the only one standing still when everything else kept going on around him. He was living in a bubble no one really had the tools to break. His world had suddenly grumbled into pieces, which he had been left to collect alone. His hands were tied, his mouth sewn shut, and his heart torn out of his chest. Was there something he should've done? Was there something he should have said? Should he have done more to stop Donghae from going? And what was it that Donghae had really wanted to forget?

“–jae.”

The bitter taste in his throat didn’t seem to want to go away.

“Hyukjae?”

The spoon in the coffee mug clonked against the material, spilling the dark liquid on the table. His almond eyes’ gaze rose to take a look at the girl who sat on the other side, opposite to him. He must have dozed off, as realizing he was in a coffee shop with his girlfriend muddled him. How long had he been sitting there? She was beautiful as ever, but he couldn’t feel a thing.

“S-sorry,” he apologized with haste, sighing as he took a napkin to wipe the spilled drink.

Hyoyeon stared at her boyfriend who had been the apple of her eye for a while. But something had changed - ever since his best friend had left the country, the man had been really out of it. And maybe it had been like that even longer than that. It was only now that she’d started to pay real attention to it. His eyes had had that hollow look in them longer than she’d dared to admit; he had withered away from her like slow motion quicksand – and she felt terrible because of it.

Long gone was the man she had fallen in love with. The man who always made her laugh; who didn't mind her small quirks; who always treated her well. But now that she’d seen the change, the observation was gut wrecking; Hyukjae wasn’t happy, and she hated seeing him like that. She didn’t want to be the one caging someone who desperately needed to be let free. And if she was being honest with herself, something in his behavior didn’t even surprise her anymore. They hadn’t really spent much time together in a while, nor did Hyukjae contact her as often as he used to. She had had her doubts if their relationship should go on for months, but until now, Hyoyeon hadn’t quite found the courage to bring the whole subject up.

“It’s alright,” she said with a soft tone, biting her lower lip in thought. She knew she loved him, with all her heart, and the fact eventually made her decision easier; she’d rather go back to being friends than keep Hyukjae away from something better. She wanted to see the spark in his eyes again.

Noticing that Hyukjae was sinking back into the daze of countless sighs and silence, she her fear up, deciding it was time to address the invisible elephant in the room.

“Hyukjae.”

It took a second for Hyukjae to grasp to the call, but his almond eyes finally turned to look into Hyoyeon’s; a little reserved, glassy and longing.

“Yeah?”

She had never even considered if Hyukjae could have cheated her; she honestly didn’t think the guy would have it in him. She knew him well enough to not even think something like that; Hyukjae had always been a sweetheart - he was caring and thoughtful, and she knew he would never hurt a fly without plausible reason. Hyukjae didn’t complain even if he would have had a reason for it. But the matter that she wasn’t the one who could’ve made him happy, was reason enough for her. And as she started to think it further, a realization of something suddenly hit her. She’d never been able to bring out the same Hyukjae a certain someone had always managed to do; she’d never been the one to cause the brightest smiles, or the most heartfelt laughters. She wasn’t the one who heard Hyukjae’s deepest thoughts, or who he’d reveal his secrets to. She had never been the one who Hyukjae would’ve climbed over mountains for. She’d never been the one who Hyukjae truly loved within, even if the man didn’t even know it himself - it had always been someone else; someone she could never really compete against.

The bottomless pit down on her stomach wasn’t there for nothing.

Hyoyeon let her tense shoulders slowly relax as the fog started to clear off around the truth. With a soft sigh, she placed her hand over Hyukjae’s after a seconf of hesitation, looking him straight in the eyes. Nothing in her tone foretold about any anger she could’ve had inside. She finally understood; it was time to set things right.

“You’re unhappy.”

The words got Hyukjae’s attention as the confusion grew on his face; it wasn’t something he’d expected to hear, yet it was the truth, and it didn’t surprise him. He couldn’t believe how right she actually was, and the realization took him off guard.

“What?”

Hyoyeon flashed the man a half-smile, a little sad, yet understanding.

“This—us—it’s not what you want, is it?”

“What are you talking about?” Hyukjae asked, not certain about the underlying intention his girlfriend had. She didn’t seem angry at him at all, which didn’t help him to figure out the sudden subject of conversation. And because of it, guilt was building up inside of him, climbing up his throat and making it very hard to breathe. He knew he hadn’t been properly present in a while; he had been too lost in his own thoughts, in his own maze of emotions. He hadn’t given her a lot of attention lately. He just couldn’t be himself - and he knew the exact reason for it.

“I know you love me in your own way… And I love you,” Hyoyeon replied, but a wary exhale followed. “I know you’re a good guy, Hyukjae, and you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, but seeing you like this screws my heart. I… I love you enough to admit that your heart isn’t for me to keep.” She took a little break, trying to collect her thoughts in order, searching for the right words.

“But I’d never cheat—,” Hyukjae yelped, but the woman cut him off. He sat straight on his chair, clenching his fist.

“I know that,” she reassured. “I know you’d never do that.” It seemed to help unload the tension just a bit, but it took a moment for her to finally say it out loud. “I’m just not who you really want. I don’t think you’ve even realized that yourself.” She gave him a small look, and the reaction it caused confirmed her assumption. Hyukjae was biting down on his lips as if he’d gotten caught red handed on something, but the uneasiness controlling him was transparent. Hyukjae was still battling with his feelings.

“You deserve to be happy,” Hyoyeon murmured, fiddling with the napkin that had come with her drink. “As much as I do. And if I’m not the one for you, it’s time for me to let you go.”

Hyukjae stared at her with a blank head. He couldn’t grasp onto the things he’d just heard; he couldn’t believe she was doing this; that she could see right through him. Even though she was right about everything.

It might break her, but she thought it was still the best thing to do for both of them. Probably the hardest thing she’d ever have to do. But the right thing usually wasn’t the easy one.

Hyukjae was frozen on his seat. He hadn’t been a good boyfriend, but had he really been that bad? He never wanted to hurt Hyoyeon, and he’d managed to do it anyway.

“Sometimes things just don’t work out,” she went on as she noticed the surprise on the young man’s face. “And I don’t want to be that kind of a girl who desperately tries to make things work when they’re just not supposed to.”

“Hyoyeon...”

She gave Hyukjae a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

All the noises going around the café were suddenly very loud in the black haired man’s ears, and for the first time in a while he was truly present in the moment. The smell of coffee and fresh pastries filled his nose as his head tried to make some sense of it; she was breaking up with him, and Hyukjae had to agree that the feelings he used to have had faded away way before this. It might have been months.

Or did he ever really love her the way he thought he did?

Hyukjae raised his hands, drowning the slim fingers through his hair with a troubled inhale of air. The engagement ring he’d bought had been buried inside his dresser since the day Donghae left, and he hadn’t thought about it after that. Now the thought of proposing seemed so distant and confusing that he couldn’t believe he’d ever talked himself into buying the whole thing. The fight after telling Donghae about his plan rushed back into his mind, and he almost wanted to laugh at himself. How stupid was he?

He couldn’t even find any words to say; he didn’t know what he wanted to say, or what he should’ve said.

Hyoyeon flashed him a light smile, following it with a humm. She let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, feeling as if a dark cloud was drifting away as the relief started to take over.

“We were friends for a long time before we started to date,” she noted after a minute as everything was still sinking in, a little curious and hopeful. “Do you think we could remain friends?”

Hyukjae bit his lip, staring at the coffee cup. The liquid had already gone cold. He didn’t think he was worthy of Hyoyeon’s friendship, but if one thing was clear, it was the fact that he didn’t want to lose her forever.

“Yes...” Hyukjae swallowed, “Of course.”

She had always been a good friend. But why had they started to date? There had been attraction, but was it never more than that? Had the first night they had spent together been merely escapism; his way to avoid the feelings that had been bombarding him way before that? He had had a fight—one of the only ones—with Donghae the day before that. There had been a party, and Hyoyeon being his friend, had been there with him. He couldn’t stop thinking, if all it ever was, had been build upon a lie. A lie that he’d tried to hide for so long. Did Hyoyeon know that?

As Hyukjae kept mulling everything quietly inside his own head, Hyoyeon took the opportunity to continue speaking her mind.

“To think about it, I think we were always better off as friends,” she noted, causing the man opposite to her wince. “But I’m okay with that. I liked you a lot back then, and I just couldn’t help myself when you gave me the opportunity for more.”

Hyukjae shifted on his seat and buried his face onto his hands.

“Hyukjae… I don’t blame you for anything. We had a good time while it lasted,” she muttered, patting the back of Hyukjae’s hand.

“I’m...” he lowered his hand back on top of the wooden table, pinching the bridge of his nose with another. “I’m so sorry.” There were no words for the turmoil inside him. Hyoyeon didn’t deserve this, and he had almost managed to propose to her. What kind of a mess it could’ve become, if he really had?

“I’ve been such a jerk,” Hyukjae uttered with wary exhale.

“Come on,” Hyoyeon laughed, “I should’ve seen it before.”

“Seen what?” the man glanced at her from under his thick, furrowed eyebrows.

“That you were already in love when I made my move that night,” she laughed, “That it wasn’t me you really wanted.”

“You...” the word fell off his lips.

“Only after Donghae left I started to realize the signs. And I should’ve seen it! How could I’ve been so dumb?”

Hyukjae didn’t think Hyoyeon was the dumb one here. He was. He’d been for his whole life. The color was rushing back to his face, redder than she’d ever seen before.

She leaned her cheek against her palm, raising her eyebrows towards the male. “It’s always been Donghae, hasn’t it?”

Hyukjae’s face turned white. It was the first time he’d ever heard it said; the first time anyone made it sink in. He’d thought about it so many times; that if it was really true that he felt more for his best friend than he wanted to. He’d had so many disturbing thoughts about Donghae that he’d started to think that there was something seriously wrong with him. But he wasn’t crazy—he’d just fallen for his best friend. He’d fallen so slow for him, that he hadn’t seen it coming. Yet there it was, now ripped wide open on the table. It was out; he was out and there was no point on trying to deny any of it.

His insides were churning and turning, the matter causing painful thuds inside his chest.

“I didn’t know I...” Hyukjae started, glueing his sight back to the table. How did Hyoyeon take it so lightly? She wasn’t mad or angry at all, and she had every right to be. It must not have been the greatest moment to realize her boyfriend was actually into men—or rather, into one certain man.

“I didn’t understand any of it before he left,” he finally confessed with a sigh. The last few months had been mentally exhausting, and Donghae leaving hadn’t made it easier. “I-I… We were so close for my whole life, that I couldn’t see the difference. I didn’t know how much he...”

“How much he meant for you before he was already gone.”

Hyukjae gave her a look, finally seeing a glimpse of sadness in her expressive eyes.

“Exactly...” He fiddled the spoon, as all of the previous battles he’d fought with himself suddenly had a reason. Why it had taken him so long to admit it? Donghae was gone, and he had no idea when he’d return. If he’d return. All the things they had done together came to light. He started to understand why Donghae had left. Hyukjae was too weeks late. Two weeks late to realize that they had always been in love with each other.

And the frustration, all the fear, the longing, the heartbreak… It came rushing back to him, gnawing through his bones and making his skin to brittle.

Donghae was gone.

“And it’s too late now,” he whispered to the thin air, staring through the cafés’s window, out to the winter scene. “I’m… I’m too late.”

Hyoyeon bit her lip, seeing the depressed look on her now ex-boyfriend’s face who happened to be in love with a man. But for some reason, she didn’t care. It wasn’t news to her, as if she’d known all along, somewhere in the back of her head, and she’d just helped him to see his true self. Now she only saw him as a friend, and it was enough.

“Hyukjae...” she noted, voice very soft, “I don’t think it’s ever too late for you two. He’ll come back to you.”

“How would you know that?”

She offered him one of her lopsided smiles. “If I ever looked you the same way Donghae looks at you, I would always come back for you.”