PRESENT DAY
2nd of April, 2013

My heart is still beating like thunder inside my chest when I stop the car in front of the row of high apartment buildings – and it is making me queasy because it’s something that has remained exactly the same as it used to be. Everything is reminding me of the years that have already passed, yet it still feels like it was just yesterday.

But I am so afraid that everything else might have changed too much.

When I turn the engine off after parking the car on its usual spot, I can discern my mother’s bright smile even from the corners of my eyes, and with a fast glance I can also see a glimpse of the blond man sitting on the backseat. His skin is tanned from the hot sun of Thailand, and it’s such a contradictory compared to my own milky and almost pale skin that hasn’t gotten much of any sun during the winter of Korea. His hair, his clothing and his simple posture is all just the exact opposite of my own. He seems calmer than I could never be, although I clearly see how uncomfortable and uncertain he is underneath. However, the mere possibility to see him again makes it almost impossible to hide the gummy-smile that tries to sneak upon my lips. Donghae makes me feel so curious after two long years of waiting in wonder, but above all of that I am more than nervous and far from fearless.

I only manage to get out of my trance when Donghae suddenly looks at me with an expression I can’t figure out, but it only lasts for a second. He’s already opening his seatbelt and gripping on the strap of his backpack, ready to get out of the car, when I’m just foolishly staring and mentally gaping when my senses seem to be all over the place. Donghae raises an eyebrow at me just before he steps out.

“Hyukjae, stop daydreaming and get out of the car already.”

My mother’s voice suddenly pierces through my ears and with a small grunt I do as I’ve been told to. Feeling utterly stupid I hastily turn around to take a deep breath, noticing how my cheeks are suddenly getting warmer although at the same time I feel like I could freeze. When I finally take off my own seatbelt, a quiet snicker meets my ears, and when the belt slides off my chest the gratefulness that came with that certain snicker surprises me and I think that maybe, just maybe, not so much has really changed after all.

However, while trying to get out of the car my brains decide to betray me when my eyes land on the backside of the blond whose figure has gotten some quite healthy looking roundness on it. The sight standing in front of the other door patiently waiting for us distracts me so much that I end up banging my head straight onto the doorframe upon me. A pained growl escapes from my lips and Donghae turns to look at me, and while I hold my head and slam the door closed with a scowl on my lips, I can’t really ignore the second chuckle. The familiar yet still a bit cautious grin with a glimpse of his crooked teeth showing. when he probably isn’t so sure if he can actually still do that, makes me think of so many new things, that the things that I thought I had managed to figure out, gets even more messed up.

“Don’t laugh,” I grumble with a pout at the same time I whiz to get my mother’s luggage out of the trunk so that I wouldn’t need to look at him, feeling as embarrassed as ever.

“I’m not,” Donghae says softly, so tenderly that it almost makes me believe him – but the curled corner of his lips tell me otherwise, giving away his tries to not to laugh.

Even though just seeing Donghae laughing at me makes me feel all warm inside, it hasn’t started to lessen my fears when just a mere hour ago I rushed to embrace him without giving it a second thought, and the stunned look over his face told more about the barriers that had been dictating between us than the friendship we used to have. Now, I’m even more scared of facing him when I’m constantly living in fear that he wouldn’t actually have wanted to see me. That the ‘almost everything’ he had wanted to forget had also included me, and it was one of the things that had made me cry so many times during the two years of being apart.

I start walking after my mother and Donghae, and for a long second I forget myself staring at the younger man’s back, thinking if I can still call him as my best friend.

“You still live here?” Donghae notes in a slight surprise, and when our eyes meet for a brief second I see the boy from our late teens and early twenties in front of my eyes again. He looks uncertain; and I ponder what is he thinking, and I have this sudden need to get inside his head; to seek every corner of his mind to be able to understand him again so I wouldn’t feel so lost.

I'm not able to utter a word to answer his question.

With all the questions popping into my head like mushrooms in the rain, it feels like I’m going through all these years from the day we became friends to the day he left in fast-forward. It feels so absurd to be able to stand beside him, to look him in the eyes, smell the familiar scent with an intoxicating hue of something new, and hear his soft voice ringing in my ears again. I look at him with eyes that have been through a huge emotional bedlam during the last two years, and the exactly same pain fills every cell in me, tugging on my heart and causing the same storm from years back return inside my stomach again.

He came into my life like a hurricane, and left me hanging in the distortions.

My mother says something when she takes her key and opens the door into the apartment which I know better than myself, but I can’t focus on anything what she’s saying, when at the same time Donghae steals a glance of me that makes the beating in my heart so loud I could only drown looking into the deep hazel.

Cold shivers run through me like the first rain of spring.

And I am afraid again. 

28^th of August, 2009

He was trying hard to concentrate on the on-going lecture and everything the teacher was trying to say in front of the auditorium, but he was constantly distracted by his own thoughts.

The beginning of the week had been as regular as always until Wednesday, when Donghae had suddenly stopped coming for college. They had their own courses and classes, majoring in totally different subjects in separate units, but he usually met his best friend at least for lunch and most likely after school too if Donghae didn’t have a night shift.

Now it had been two days since the last time he had heard anything about him.

At first, he hadn’t been so surprised, because that was just how Donghae was; he had good grades because he was smart, but there was really none other from Hyukjae and his mother to actually expect anything from him. They were the only ones who wanted the young man to do his best and set goals for himself, and because of that, Donghae usually took school seriously. But because of his home life, there had always been this side of him that was reckless and didn’t want to care. Sometimes Donghae had times when his father was being more difficult than usually, and it easily affected the boy’s behavior and mood, causing him to either isolate himself or cling more tightly to Hyukjae’s presence.

Donghae was the one who smoke, who drank and fought with random guys at bars; the one who had the temper from the two; who was moody and easier to piss off – yet Hyukjae knew exactly it was just Donghae’s way to cope up with things, and that it wasn’t even half of the younger’s personality. Underneath, Donghae was sensitive and he hated to show his full feelings. He didn’t want to cause trouble for his friends or especially for Hyukjae’s family, himself either, but the lack of stable home life and caring parents had left their mark on him. It had always amazed Hyukjae how strong his friend had always been despite everything. If it would have been someone else, they could have lost on their tracks of life a long time ago. But Donghae was still going on, studying to be able to do what he had always dreamed of and doing part-time job as a bartender to fund his studies.

It wasn’t anything new for him to not to come to school for a day if he had done a long night working or if he was just extremely tired – but two days away started to worry Hyukjae.

He had thought about calling or texting, but he knew Donghae rarely told anything if he’d pry too much. The latter needed his own space and time for letting anything out, and the older had learned to respect that. He trusted that he would be the first – and probably only one – to hear anything if Donghae decided to open up.

Yet still, there was this feeling that there was something he didn’t know but he should have.

It was also one of Donghae’s traits, and one of the only ones Hyukjae really didn’t like; Donghae wasn’t one to ask for help. Even when he needed. It was one thing what Hyukjae was able to really get mad about – and it wasn’t because his friend would have been too proud to ask any. No; it was because he thought he should have been strong enough to cope alone – even in situations when no one could have been strong enough without support.

Hyukjae got startled when he suddenly felt his phone vibrating inside his pocket. He was glad that he had put it on silent-mode, but even more about the fact that he had left the vibration on, because when he pulled it out and saw a certain name flashing on his screen, he felt almost relieved. He glanced at his teacher, and when the man turned his back at him, Hyukjae sneaked out of the classroom to answer the call while thanking himself for choosing the seat nearest the door out.

Nonetheless, the name flickering on his screen made him feel uneasy. He didn’t know why, but he had an uncomfortable weight on his chest when he finally answered.

“Donghae where the hell have you—“

He had been a bit annoyed because the younger hadn’t told him anything – and now called when he definitely knew he was in the middle of class – but all of the insults he had managed to come up with disappeared, when after few silent seconds Donghae’s voice echoed through the line in a way he had never heard being so desperate before.

“H-Hyukjae…”

He found himself leaning against the bulletin board on the wall, the heaviness on his chest only growing worse as he heard the silent cries of his best friend. His words were about to get stuck on his throat before he managed to let anything out.

“D-Donghae? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“N-no,” the younger cried, “I-I’m n-not o-okay.”

“What happened? Where are you?” he inquired, now extremely worried.

“C-can you c-come o-over?”

“Your place? I-I’ll be there—just—just wait. I’ll be there in—,” he rambled, looking at the screen of his phone to see the time, “in 20 minutes—I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

“P-please… I-I… I need you.”

Donghae’s sobs only turned the knife on his heart harder, and he didn’t know what else to do but rush back into the classroom and snap his belongings with him before hurrying out, without caring about his teacher’s shouts after him.

30^th of August, 2009

The little altar made for the private, small-scale memorial service was decorated with a few simple punches of white flowers and a framed photo that had obviously been taken many years ago already. He smelled the incense his friend had lighted up lingering heavily in the air, and felt how his mother was clasping onto his arm as they waited for Donghae to take his own time to say goodbye. Standing further from the altar staring at Donghae on his bended knees, Hyukjae had to swallow the lump on his throat so he wouldn’t cry just because the brown haired young male was in pieces. He couldn’t stand seeing him as the opposite to the usual, but he had to. He had to be strong for Donghae.

It was hard to stop thinking about the phone call and the cries of his best friend, but what was even harder for the older were the images of finding Donghae sitting on the floor of his own home; shaking, crying and hands stained in dried blood.

Hyukjae had never thought he would have had to witness such a scene; to see a person, he actually didn’t realize how much he cared for, so vulnerable and broken, asking for help probably for the first time in his entire life. It was the first time when Donghae hadn’t known how to hold himself together, and which had forced Hyukjae to strengthen himself beyond his comfort zone.

He would never forget the moment after he had turned the spare key in the apartment’s lock, opened the door and rushed in to see Donghae who had still been crying while staring at his reddened hands and the small letter he had held on his lap. Hyukjae swore the most heartbreaking scene had been the second he’d kneeled down beside the younger who had clasped his hands onto the front of his jacket as soon as he was about to embrace him. Cheeks drenched in salty tears and breathing so erratic he was not far from hyperventilating, Donghae had already dropped the thick wall around him.

As he had tried to look around for a reason to Donghae’s state, eyebrows furrowed in huge concern, he hadn’t been able to grasp on to anything unordinary. The small apartment had been slightly messy, but really nothing else but the brunet’s upset essence had rang any bells for him. Yet still, there had been an unusual heaviness in the air which Hyukjae had acknowledged. Something had been off – really off – and with the agonizing bile down on his stomach growing bleaker, he had understood what Donghae had been trying to utter out for the last few minutes.

It had been weak, just a mere whimper.

“D-dad… H-he killed himself.”

Hyukjae had seen it so many times, when Donghae had come to him with a black eye, or limping, after he had been thrown around and beaten down. Countless times he had seen the frustration radiating from the young boy after getting shouted at how no one deserved a son like him, and how the son had damned his father into the lowest layer of hell. So many times he had had to grit his teeth when he had seen the unshed tears in the boy’s eyes, or the hurt hidden behind the faked smiles that had silently pleaded the older: please don’t ask anything.

The man Hyukjae had grown to hate, when all the man had ever done had been just hurting Donghae.

But despite all the pain, neglect and violence caused by the alcoholism, it didn’t take away the mere fact that the man had still been Donghae’s father; his only family by blood that had belonged into his life. The fact had made him wonder if the man had really deserved to die, when then, in his arms Donghae had cried more than he had ever seen.

Donghae had wanted everything to be done as soon as possible, and with Hyukjae’s family’s help, they had managed to organize the funeral to happen just few days later. Although his mother had helped Donghae to do all the official paper work and such, it had still been such a tough experience for all of them. Not at least for his best friend, who had had to take all the burden on to his own shoulders because there was no one else to do so. For a son like Hyukjae, who had his both parents and saw his relatives once in a while, it was like a cold shower to realize that Donghae didn’t have anyone of his family left. He was the only son, and so had his father been. His grandparents had deceased when he wasn’t even in school yet. About his mother, he only had a one single picture from a time before his birth.

For the older, it had all felt so absurd and unreal. He couldn’t even imagine what the brunet was going through, but for once, Donghae had at least accepted the fact that he needed Hyukjae to be there for him.

He hadn’t been able to prevent his own tears from falling when it had hurt more than anything to see the most important person for him whimpering on his embrace. It felt like the world had grumbled down around Donghae, and the loss had taken everything he used to know with it to eternity.

Hyukjae could still hear Donghae’s broken cries ringing inside his head, and he hoped he could take all those tears and pain away when the younger eventually stood back up in front of the altar. He couldn’t turn his gaze away from the male that had a simple black suit on and his brown, long locks tied onto a high ponytail. It took a while before the younger turned around, shoulders slumped and eyes still red but now without tears. Hyukjae couldn’t do else but bite his own lips as he saw the exhausted and slightly blank expression in his usually lively – or at least hopeful – eyes.

When Donghae got closer to them, his mother let go of his son’s arm and took a step towards the youngest, spreading her arms to embrace him. For once, Donghae didn’t budge and only leaned against the familiar warmth with a wary exhale. Hyukjae watched the situation with eyebrows in a frown that hadn’t left him since few days prior. From the corners of his eyes, Donghae glanced at the black haired male, causing an internal confusion for the older who didn’t know how to answer to that expression. It was clear that the brunet didn’t want pity, so Hyukjae didn’t try to even smile. The concern – that he couldn’t hide from him, though.

His mother leaned a bit further from the male, who she probably still saw as a boy , holding his arms and looking at him with tender eyes.

“Let’s go home, shall we?” she asked softly, but knowing that she would most likely have the last word.

With a simple nod, Donghae let the woman lead them out while Hyukjae followed close behind, wondering how the life would go on after.