chapter 4
what it feels like to be lost
 

9^th of March, 2011
19:45

He knew that nothing was going to stay the same, and he knew the people closest to him wouldn’t have assumed for him to do something like this.

Donghae strolled around his now very empty apartment, checking that there was nothing to be left behind anymore, and that every cupboard or wardrobe was now emptied from all of his stuff. It felt weird to be really doing things, in his own peace, in an emptied apartment that once was so full of his stuff. Like clothes scattered around, this and that all around the place. The printed papers on the kitchen table were still haunting him, although those were everything this was about.

One month ago he had terminated his tenancy in this apartment, leaving the last month for packing his stuff and getting them away before someone new would come to make it as his or hers home again. Few weeks ago he had also terminated himself from his work as a bartender, and just two days ago he had really been there doing his last shift. Now he was here, alone, packing the last pieces of his belongings and trying to bear with the agitation flaming inside him – still trying to make some sense of it all. He had been thinking about it for a good while already, and after Hyukjae’s announcement about the thing that he was going to propose his girlfriend, it had only added more fuel to his fire to let it all behind.

At this time of his life, he only wanted to get away from it; to escape the feelings he wasn’t able to hold under control anymore; to avoid the situations that didn’t hurt like this in the beginning; to clear up his mind and get his mind back to the order of priorities; just to stop his heart’s aching because he couldn’t bear to be close to him anymore. It was too painful, too hard to fake his smiles and laughs anymore, too hard to prevent his jealousy from showing and just too much of everything. Although he was fearful and uncertain about his decision to leave, he was also excited to start anew in a place he didn’t know anyone; in a place he would be the foreigner, lost and a person with past no one else knew about. He wanted to be alone; to get his mind up from the dark abyss and hopefully, heal his aching heart.

If he was lucky, he might forget Hyukjae soon enough and be able to feel finally free again. Maybe he could find something, or someone, to make him forget.

He took his old keys and separated them from the apartment’s one – which he put on the table for the landlord to come to take later – but when he took a note of his keychains he felt an uncomfortable tug inside him again. His eye landed on the old, already threadbare clownfish chain he had gotten from the person he was going to run away. Even if the memory of them going to the amusement park in a hot summer day almost 12 years ago was heartwarming, it also made the leave so much harder again.

He could remember that day very well although it was so long time ago, but he had always held it dear to him since it was the first year of being friends with Hyukjae. And that day they had had so much fun; they had been so free and childish and naïve, so honest and fearless when everything they needed was to just be with each other. That day Hyukjae had insisted that he was going to win something for Donghae from the shooting stall, and had eventually ended up only with a little fish-keychain. But Donghae couldn’t had have been happier because of it, because the point was that it was from Hyukjae – nonetheless what it was. And since that day he had always kept it with him.

Now, he was already 24 years old, and for a minute he contemplated if he really should throw it away already. But in the end, he wasn’t capable of doing that. Donghae tucked the keychain inside his pocket and raised his blue, new backpack from the floor. When he saw his own reflection in the mirror on the wall, dressed in blue jeans, burgundy red hoodie and a black cap, tickets burning inside his pocket, he thought he was ready to go and leave all the wrong feelings behind.

19^th of February, 2011

It was cold, freezing even. He had his hands covered with the ends of his sleeves, trying to fight against the northern wind breeze that had blown over the city for the whole week already.

“Hyukjae… I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” he asked, walking beside his friend and hearing the snow crunching under their shoes. 

Donghae’s home building was just few hundreds of meters away, yet he had not a single clue what was soon to become. What would soon to be truer than anything before; what would soon turn his world upside down. He wasn’t prepared – not at all.

Not for this.

“I’m leaving...in two and half weeks. I’m going… Away for a while,” Donghae said, his words unreadable from any clearer emotions, his eyes not showing any feeling for Hyukjae who had just stopped on his tracks. “For a year or two, maybe...”

Hyukjae was staring at the young man just few steps behind who had his head tilted tiredly towards the other side, eyes gazing anywhere else but him.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice impatient and almost demanding. This was not something he had been waiting for to hear tonight; they had had just been hanging around with their other friends Kangin and Sungmin from their high school, and Heechul from Hyukjae’s college years.

“I’ve bought a one-way ticket to Bangkok. I’m leaving in the 9th of March.”

If Hyukjae knew his best friend at all, he could say with assurance that Donghae’s voice was wavering a little. He also knew he had his own lips parted in awe, trying to understand what the hell was actually happening. When he heard those words, and when they finally really sank in after almost a minute, it felt like it was the first time when the whole world stopped from turning. He had never feared about this – or even given it a thought – that someday, Donghae might not be there for him anymore. That someday he could lose him, just like that, so easily like an air balloon was popped with a needle right to his face – and with the mere pop, it would all become true. And this was the time for the biggest bang in his life. 

He was literally gaping, trying to find some coherent words and trying to put his thoughts back together again before he'd be able to say anything for an answer.

“What? W-why? Hae, why?” he asked, furrowing his thick eyebrows when his almond eyes started to have the look of a kicked animal; not sure if he should fight back or just surrender for its predator. But it felt like Donghae had some kind of a monologue to tell him; like it was prepared beforehand so it would be easier to say without any extra emotions.

“H-Hyukjae,” Donghae said, and Hyukjae’s name was the only word where Donghae sounded like he would break down right in that instant. “I want change. I’m sick and tired of my job as a bartender. I’m exhausted from pouring thousands of drinks and listening to people’s problems. I want something different. You know I’ve always wanted to travel — and I think it’s time.”

“But—“

“It’s decided... I’m leaving,” Donghae immediately interrupted him, like he was trying to act like it didn’t matter to hear Hyukjae’s broken tone. “I’ve already rescinded my lease with the landlord. I already have the ticket and I’m soon going to resign myself from my job too,” he stated, like it was the most likely thing he would ever do.

His words were colder than Hyukjae thought he had ever heard from him like this. Yes, they had sometimes been angry, fighting and whatnot with each other, but it had never been like this before. Like Donghae was intentionally distancing himself from him. Why would he do that? They were best friends after all, weren’t they?

Hyukjae didn’t know what to do or say. He wasn’t sure if he had ever felt this way before; like there was a huge, enormous brick down inside of his stomach right now. The lump that had started to grow inside his chest and throat had only started getting bigger and bigger.  It was a burning feeling; like someone could have just stabbed him and turned the blade in the wound, making him want to scream in pain. He wanted to cry like a kid. He wanted to ask questions like why and why, and just why. He wanted to know why Donghae was acting like this towards him. He wasn’t himself at all. It was almost like…like he was hurting inside. Like he had held something inside him for so long that Hyukjae was only now able to finally discern it. Had Donghae always looked like this? Or had it been just for a while? Weeks, months – could it even be years? Why hadn’t he noticed the dull blankness inside those chocolate eyes despite the fact he had been smiling? Could he even call himself a friend if he really hadn’t noticed? Why Donghae looked so hurt and vulnerable? Why did it look like he had just given up with everything? 

Why was he feeling so full he almost couldn't breathe, and at the same time, emptier than ever? Why was his heart beating so fast; in such an erratic way like he was going to have a seizure? Why were all those thoughts from the days he was just a teenager filling and playing with his mind again? Why was his heart aching like never before and making him want to do things he had never understood while being younger?

He wanted to just cup those soft cheeks with his hands, and kiss those thin, pouty lips only to make Donghae change his mind—but wasn't kissing to prevent him from leaving something like a boyfriend would do? Not your best friend? Why did he want to kiss Donghae with much more sweetness, gentleness and care than he had ever kissed his own girlfriend?

In the moment when he wanted to say so much he suddenly felt so powerless and in lack of words to explain anything. His tongue was stuck back in his throat while the only thing he was able to really do was to prevent any tears from falling by batting his eyelids. He wasn’t a teenager anymore for Christ’s sake, he was a grown up adult and he should already know where to stand with himself.

Yet today, when the snow had started to fall heavier than had snowed in few years, he had never felt so lost before. Why the only thing repeating in his mind, erasing every word from his dictionary, was the need to say out loud something that had never crossed his mind like this in the past? 

What if I was... In love with you?

Despite the desire to say those words, his brains took over his heart, like it always did; “I-if that’s really what you want…” 

He didn’t notice the uncertainty when Donghae swallowed before he opened his mouth again.

“It is. I need it.”

“B-but you will come back, right?”

“Yeah,” Donghae muttered. “I just don’t know when.”

Hyukjae almost couldn’t feel his freezing hands anymore. He didn’t notice how his nails dug against his palms when he looked somewhere up to the sky to let the breeze dry out the tears in his eyes.

“You know… Are there…other reasons why you want to leave? And why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Donghae lighted up a cigarette, and in the meanwhile Hyukjae was able to wipe away the tears that had accidentally flowed down on his cheeks. The younger one of them was biting his lips, gazing somewhere into the void like he had done for the whole conversation. Even once he hadn’t really looked Hyukjae in the eyes.

“Well…”

Hyukjae was pretty sure he heard a sniffle that wasn’t his own.

“There’s something I can’t have in here, and it’s making me insane... I just have to do something else. To forget about… Everything.”

Hyukjae felt the painful tug in his chest again. 

“E-everything…?”

“Most of it.”

What if he would have told Donghae that because of this, he was actually waking up to his feelings for him…? That all the things that had confused him since he was seventeen, were actually true? That the things he had denied for so long were now finally taking over him. That he had never really loved his girlfriend(s). That he had always hated himself because of this forbidden feeling. That he had always been too afraid to be different.

He still was.
 

1^st of March, 2011

Mrs. Lee was cooking in the kitchen and making some of the dishes he knew his son loved the most. Sometimes she had been glancing over Hyukjae, eyeing the young man sitting on the couch and obviously absent-mindedly watching the television – because she knew Hyukjae wasn’t interested in cooking programs, and right now it was already the second one playing on the screen. She didn’t really mind that his son was spending so much time at home again, but she was seriously getting worried because Hyukjae just hadn’t been himself for the past week. He was being unusually silent, mostly minding his own business and not telling freely about everything like he normally did. These days, since he was an adult already, Hyukjae preferred to stay at his own apartment for the most of the time. But it had been already four days since he had slept at his own home. And she just couldn’t look over it anymore, when there was clearly something going on with him.

She had been thinking if he had had a fight with his best friend, because although Donghae was working and living on his own too, she usually saw him at least once in a week. And it had been almost one and half since the last time.

The demandingly boiling kettle soon took her attention back to the dinner, but she still couldn’t have peace of mind when his son was acting like this. She was his mother after all; she knew his son and usually could guess what was going on – because normally Hyukjae told her if something was bothering him. For the rest fifteen minutes, she let it go, but after she called the son to eat, and she had to watch him picking his food like he was deep in his thought she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hyukjae, what’s bothering you?” she started softly, “You have been acting oddly for the past week. Did something happen?” She looked at him thoughtfully and eyes full of concern. For her surprise, Hyukjae brought his hands down on his lap and leaned against his chair, letting out a frustrated, almost a shaky breath. He seemed to be confused and constantly thinking about something very hard.

“Mom…” he started with a very uncertain tone, and she was contemplating if Hyukjae would actually tear up in a minute. But he took another breath, and leaned his elbows against the table and lowered his almond shaped eyes to his food.

“Did you guys have a fight?” she asked, making Hyukjae to raise his gaze towards her, a puzzled look on his face like asking how she was able to always guess somehow right. It was obvious, that she meant Donghae, and not Hyoyeon, for example.

“It… It wasn’t a fight.”

She could easily discern the sadness radiating from his eyes, but she was being pretty sure there definitely was something else too. Something, she hadn’t seen in a long time. Because years ago, when Hyukjae was just a teenager, it had been much often that she saw that confused look in his eyes. And she had always thought that it would be better for him to realize and understand things by his own self; try to seek for the answers on his own to find who he was. For now, she kept shut because Hyukjae usually didn’t need such a big push to open up. This time, it didn’t seem to be the case though, so she decided to help; “If it wasn’t a fight, why are you so upset?”

9^th of March, 2011
21:10

Hyukjae swallowed nervously, still trying to sort out the big mess he had had inside his head since the last time he saw Donghae – which was only three days ago, but it had all felt so weird and confusing that it felt like it had actually been much longer.

The bile inside him had only gotten darker and heavier again by the days passing by. He could still feel the same feelings from the night Donghae told him, and just thinking about it made shivers run down on his spine. It was crazy, because he had have never felt so lost before. He had mostly spent his days alone, going for work and doing his job like a ghost to return home the same. He was absent-minded, and everything felt like going in slow-motion. He had also managed to piss off Hyoyeon by forgetting their date and not answering on his phone, but somehow he just couldn’t care less. And like today, he had been sitting in his own apartment’s windowsill, just staring at the illuminated sight of his hometown, while twiddling a golden ring between his fingers. A ring, he had bought not so long while ago, for proposing his girlfriend in the near future. But now, the glimmering object only gave him a cold feeling.

The first plan had been to propose her on the Valentine’s Day, but that time, Hyoyeon had actually been sick and they had cancelled their date. And so he had decided that he would do it later, when moment would be right for it. In the end, he had delayed it, over and over again, until he had almost forgotten it completely. But after Donghae told him that he was leaving – leaving for a long time, he had remembered the shimmering thing again and since then he had been staring at it, lost in his thoughts. Because it was supposed to be a ring that would seal the relationship with Hyoyeon, but after buying it, it felt more like it was the exact opposite. And still, staring at the ring for minutes, or maybe even for hours, he hadn’t got any answers yet. He was still lost and feeling insecure; feeling so heavy and different because of the things he had thought along the days and weeks – actually, along the years.

He knew it wasn’t normal to prefer your friend’s presence over your girlfriend’s you almost wanted to propose to. He knew it wasn’t right to memorize totally different lips against his own when he was kissing her.  And the worst one didn’t make it any easier; he knew it was sinfully wrong to have images of wholly different body when he came inside her while having with his girlfriend. And he knew he had been lying and denying himself for so long that he was now able to keep it as a secret from everyone. The problem was that he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to fake those things anymore.

When he glanced up to the sky again, he could see an airplane flying over the city, heading up to a location he knew nothing about. He wasn’t sure if it was the plane Donghae might be on – if it was the plane that was taking his friend away for him. Hyukjae didn’t know for how long the tears had ran down his face, and while wiping them off with this other hand he took his phone out from his jeans’ pocket and opened a blank message to write on.

At least, Donghae had said that he would come back, someday.

Even if it made him feel a stabbing pain inside his chest to feel like the pathetic human being he was, he wasn’t able to make his fingers type anything else but a simple text that was so far away from all the things he actually wanted to say.

To: Hae
Don’t you dare to forget me, because we’ll always be best friends, right? Have a safe flight! I’ll be waiting for the day you come back.

Now he just had to wait for the time to pass by, and maybe, by then he would have already figured himself out. And maybe, he would be brave enough. Maybe he would finally have the courage to admit that no girl would ever make him feel the same things that Donghae was able to.