chapter 5
you hold me in the dark when the storms arrive

29^th of July, 2000

Hyukjae was already running towards his best friend when he saw his thirteen year old friend sitting on the stair in front of the building’s door where Donghae lived. He was able to discern some papers on the boy’s hands, but he couldn’t exactly wrap his head around what they actually were. When he got closer, he slowed his steps but when he saw that something was definitely wrong, he rushed towards the other boy again.

The younger of them was biting his lip, looking like he had been crying. Donghae usually wasn’t one to talk about if he had been crying, and Hyukjae didn’t ask, because he knew the boy most likely wouldn’t answer.

“Donghae…?”

The boy raised his head, and gave Hyukjae a sad look. Then, he looked at the papers and sketch pads on his lap, biting his lip again. The slightly older boy sat down beside him, turning his head towards Donghae, looking at him with worry. It was evident, that Donghae tried very hard to stay calm and strong. Even if Hyukjae wouldn’t mind if he would start crying. He never did, although it also scared him a bit to see him crying because he wasn’t always exactly sure what to do.

There was also anger in the other boy’s eyes, something that had started to flare up a while ago already. He knew Donghae kept a lot inside of him – maybe, because no one had probably ever said that it was okay to be sad, broken or hurt. He had learned to be hard. Hard about the sentimental emotions everyone had, but not everyone was free to feel them.

Hyukjae had always been the crybaby of the two, and Donghae had definitely seen him cry few times. And the last time wasn’t even so long time ago.

“I hate him”, Donghae suddenly said. His voice was tough, even if he had the need to cry. Donghae could sometimes be like a dog always barking but no bite. But maybe Hyukjae was the only one he had accepted to pet him.

“Who?” Hyukjae frowned. Though, he had an idea.

“My dad. He’s an .”

Donghae was also the one who did cuss quite a lot. Mrs. Lee never approved with that, and to her, Donghae actually apologized – but not to the many others.

The black haired boy took a new look on the papers, and finally saw that most of them were torn apart. His heart started to ache even more, and he could somehow guess what had happened before he came. His eyes roamed back to Donghae’s sad, rounder eyes.

“Mind to talk about it?” Hyukjae asked softly, shifting on his place to have a better posture. Because he could see, that Donghae wanted to rant. And he was usually right about it.

“We had a fight. Again. I’ve already stopped counting – it was probably the billionth time already. He was drunk.  But he wasn’t so drunk that he would have out, but he was drunk enough to start blame me about everything,” the brunette spoke, clenching his fists around the corners of the papers. “He kept bugging me, saying, that I’m just a worthless piece of – stupid boy who only causes trouble to him and doesn’t do anything right.  Not that anything about that was new to me.”

Hyukjae could remember times when people had asked Donghae if he had some troubles. Teachers, the school’s counselor, his mother. But Donghae always just smiled brightly and shook his head, lying; “Everything’s fine.”

Clearly, everything wasn’t. Maybe, if someone knew the truth things might have changed. There were times when they had even fought about that one; times when Hyukjae had insisted to tell his mother about Donghae’s father.  Hyukjae had always lost that one. Sometimes he blamed himself for being so weak in front of his best friend. But he just couldn’t say no to those eyes sparkling with tears, cheeks painted with angry red. Donghae had always claimed that he didn’t want to end up in a foster home. The last straw was usually the “I don’t want to be taken away from you”. And he would keep his mouth shut after that.

“But it only got worse. He followed me in to my room because I had fought back. He was angry. And then, he noticed all of my drawings in my room,” the boy said, angry tears glimmering in his eyes again, “and then all the hell broke loose.”

Donghae wasn’t actually such a ‘bad’ boy. It was more like that God, or whoever, had decided to throw all the bad things to him. That was also why Donghae wasn’t the least bit religious. But his intentions were never bad. He was just too young to take care of himself all by his own, but unfortunately, that was something he needed to do. Hyukjae wasn’t even aware of all the things Donghae had gone through honestly.

His friend was actually almost like a different person when they were alone, or when Mrs. Lee was around. He was sweet, usually polite, and with Hyukjae he was way more sensitive - overall much kinder, than he showed to anyone else. Sometimes Donghae was such a kid; such a puppy which Hyukjae could have only let him lean against his chest and keep caressing those brown locks. Usually the younger one was more like the actual older one of them when Donghae showed to be the braver of them; he wasn’t afraid of the older teens which sometimes picked on them; he would only curse at them and sometimes even fight with someone. And Donghae wasn’t that strong; he was actually quite small, at least smaller, but still stronger than Hyukjae was.

On days like these, Hyukjae got to be the ‘stronger’ one. It was rare, because Donghae didn’t like to show his weaknesses – but every time he did, Hyukjae felt that he was really something special for the other.

“He looked at few of them, but then he glanced at me. For a minute, he was silent,” Donghae continued. “I was scared. Sudden silence isn’t usually good with him. And I was right. His face got eve redder and he started to yell at me; ‘What is this? What the hell is this?’” Donghae tried to imitate his father’s deep voice. He looked even sadder. “I said that those were my drawings.”

The brunette really loved to draw, and damn, he was really good. Hyukjae had always hoped that Donghae would realize it himself too. Once, he had said that he wanted to be an artist when he would grow up.

“And he looked at them again. It felt like an eternity. But then he grasped the drawings with this both hands and destroyed them – almost all of them. I yelled at him to stop.” Donghae’s voice was so much weaker, and Hyukjae swallowed when he saw the tears streaming down on his cheeks. “But he didn’t. He kept yelling that it was all trash. That it was worthless; that his son would never be something so useless like an artist. I yelled at him… I said that he was the useless piece of here. He got even madder… He tore them even more. He slapped me. He said that his son would never do something so gay. He said it isn’t a man’s job.”

Donghae was trying to wipe the tears off his cheeks, but he halted what he was doing when he felt Hyukjae’s fingers trailing on his cheeks. The older one was looking at him so tenderly, that he almost just wanted to throw himself into the boy’s arms and just cry all the sadness out of him. But he didn’t do it – he only looked at Hyukjae with his kicked-puppy looking eyes, lips pursed tightly against each other.

Hyukjae glanced at the papers on Donghae’s lap.

“You’re an amazing drawer, Hae,” he said softly, trying not to cry himself because the brunette’s eyes looked so hurt. He wanted to take all the pain away from Donghae, to just make him feel better. But what could he do?

“I think you should become an artist, if you want.”

“You think so?” Donghae asked – voice slightly cracking and in his embarrassment he started to nibble his lips again.

“Yes. I’ve always envied your skills to do arts, because I can barely draw a straight line.”

When he saw that the corner of Donghae’s lips started to twitch while trying to hold a laugh, he knew that the boy wasn’t so sad anymore. And the twitching of his lips was adorable, because he couldn’t keep the smile away much longer, and that if something made Hyukjae gummy-smiling already. He nudged Donghae’s shoulder with his own, seeing a glint of the sadness again when the other possibly tried to contemplate what he should do with the torn papers.

“Let’s go to my place, ok? Take them with you.”

“Why?”

“I’ll repair them for you. Just a bit of tape can do miracles. Mom could probably help,” Hyukjae muttered, thoughtful. “We can put them on my walls after, right? They’d be safe there.”

“Really?”

“Why not? They’re beautiful.”

There was a shy, rare smile lingering on Donghae’s lips, and most important, in his eyes. Eyes were the mirror of your soul. And that certain soul was so important for Hyukjae.

“And don’t mind your dad, Hae,” he said, giving the other an assuring hug. “He’s just too blind to see all the good things in you. You should listen to my mom, because she really adores you.”

When Hyukjae was about to let go of Donghae, the smaller one only tightened his grip on his waist. “You’re my best friend, you know that?” he said, whispering. Donghae wasn’t usually good with words these days, at least when it came to things like this.

“Of course I am, Hae.”

“You will always be my best friend?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, Hyukjae,” the brunette said shyly, but he didn’t care when he sensed that his best friend was indeed smiling. Because of that, he was able to smile again too.

 

7^th of May, 2002

She was doing her usual routine on that Tuesday afternoon, doing the laundry after she had done the dishes after eating dinner with Hyukjae. She was folding some T-shirts while worrying over Donghae, who hadn’t shown up at their place that day. Donghae was almost like her own son already, and of course she would get concerned when something didn’t go as they usually did. Her son’s best friend would often eat with them anyway. She could afford that to the boy who seemed to be even thinner now that he had had some growth spurt over the winter. Of course she was aware that things weren’t so well at Donghae’s home, but she couldn’t do anything if the boy himself always refused. At least he had approved to eat with them at least thrice a week. That was the least she could do.

And Hyukjae had seemed to be a bit restless too, because it just was the routine that on Tuesday’s they would eat together. But it hadn’t gone as planned, and Donghae hadn’t informed them in any ways. And if Hyukjae was restless, so would she be.

Donghae was witty and quite playful when he was together with Hyukjae, and Hyukjae had become more open and happy after befriending his original bully. They had other friends too, which she was grateful for, but it was obvious that those two were happiest with each other. It was such a mystery for her, but it almost felt like it was something that was just supposed to be the way it was. And she could never think of separating them. A best friend like Donghae was to Hyukjae and other way around wasn’t such a foregone conclusion.

Those two fought like any other friends, but they always made up or just forgot their original squabble because they just couldn’t stay too many days away from each other. If she was remembering right, the longest time they had been separated was two weeks when Hyukjae had gone to see his grandparents last summer.

When she heard the doorbell ringing, she didn’t know if she should sigh in relief or worry a bit more when she heard his son’s distant voice from the hallway.

“Mom!” Hyukjae was calling for her, his voice timid and clearly concerned.

His mother's instincts immediately told her to hurry and grab the first-aid-kit with her. The woman rushed to the hallway, seeing the boy leaning against a wall – all his clothes drenched because of the pouring rain and his face darkened because of a bruise and a cut on his upper lip.

“Goodness! What happened to you, Donghae?” Hyukjae’s mother asked, not waiting for a second to go back to the bathroom to grab few towels for the teenager. She could see that her son was really agitated to do something, but didn’t really know what to.

Donghae looked really worn-out and tired; really tired, like he had all the problems of the world on his way too young shoulders.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Donghae muttered while the woman was already drying his hair with the towel, gently ruffing it around.

She noticed her sixteen year old son gritting his teeth, and she was sure he knew. Well, she could guess too. She was a mother after all, and it hadn’t taken too long to do the math that Donghae’s father was often violent against his son. But it could probably be something else too since Donghae was often having problems with the other kids around his neighborhood.

“Take your shoes and outerwear off, you should take a warm shower or you’ll end up being sick. How long were you out there anyway?” she babbled, now looking at the brunette who was doing as he was told to.

“Well, I guess just few hours…” Donghae mumbled, not seeing the frown on his friend’s face.

“Why didn’t you come here you silly! You should be old enough to understand that it’s not very smart to wander around in weather like that. It’s been raining cats and dogs for the whole afternoon!” She clearly wasn’t mad; it was just the mother in her talking again.

“I don’t know,” the brunette said quietly, although it didn’t seem like there weren’t any reasons for him.

“Hyukjae dear, could you bring him some clothes?” she asked tenderly.

“Yeah.”

She turned her attention back to Donghae. “Now, go get a shower and I’ll warm up some of the dinner for you. I'll check up those wounds after.”

Donghae was biting his lip, not looking at the woman in the eyes. He was clearly bothered about all the hassle he was able to cause again. “Thank you,” he then said quietly, staring at the floor. He was still clearly shaken up emotionally.

“You don’t need to thank me, Donghae,” she said heartily, giving a warm smile to the teenager. “You know you don’t, because we love you.” She walked to the kitchen before Donghae could possibly tear up, all of the laundry now forgotten. But it didn’t matter; she could do it at another time.

Hyukjae had brought some warm clothes for Donghae, and was now standing at the doorway of their bathroom and observed the boy for a minute while he took off his wet clothes. He could see another bruise on his waist, but at least it wasn’t a big one. Still, he had felt so worried for the whole afternoon, and now he felt angry. He wasn’t even sure what the biggest reason was for his anger; the assumption that it had been Donghae’s father again, or the fact that he hadn’t told him anything sooner? Even now, when Donghae was here and safe his stomach was churning because of the agitation it all caused in him.

He knew Donghae had noticed him standing there, but the younger only kept looking at his own reflection in the mirror. And there were tears trying to escape his eyes again. That was something Hyukjae couldn’t really handle. He had been so worried of the other, and now Donghae was about to cry too. But he didn’t. He was able to keep all the tears inside when he bit the insides of his cheeks so hard it took his mind off the things his dad had said to him again. Still, his voice was weaker than usual when he opened his mouth.

“Can I stay over? For the night? I mean—I just—I don’t want to go home. But only if it’s okay.” He let out a shaky breath, cautiously looking towards Hyukjae.

“I’ll ask her,” Hyukjae answered, contemplating if he should reassure the other somehow. Now when they were a bit older, all the skinship didn’t feel so natural anymore – not that he hated it – it just…scared him. He loved it, actually. But nowadays it was making him feel so weak in his stomach that he wasn’t sure what was going on anymore. “But I doubt that she could ever say no to you.”

And the black haired one was a bit taken aback, when Donghae showed him one of his toothless and most thankful smiles. It was a shy one, but it was honest. With that, he was able to leave the other one alone for the time he took his shower, although the truth was that he wouldn’t have wanted to let him out of his sight. He couldn’t really understand himself either. He was afraid of something he didn’t yet acknowledged, but at the same time he was so darn protective over his best friend. And he just couldn’t figure himself out with all those emotions.

Later, when Hyukjae’s mother had sent the boys off to sleep since the next they would be a school day, the younger one of them had tried to sleep on the mattress made for him on the floor. But even almost an hour later, he still wasn’t able to fall asleep. His mind was constantly buzzing too loudly, repeating all the things his father had yelled at him again. All those things that made him feel more self-conscious, worthless, hated. And all he really wanted was just to feel accepted – loved – although he was really grateful about that how Hyukjae’s family seemed to at least care. But after hearing all those negative things through the years it wasn’t so easy to think that anyone could actually love him just the way he was.

He had been turning over and over, thinking and trying to keep all the tears away. He wanted to sleep and forget everything about it already, because it would most definitely happen again. As long as he would have to live with his father, he would need to listen to all of those words coming from the man until he was able to move out on his own.

“Donghae.”

He suddenly heard, and his whole body got tense after hearing his friend’s voice coming a bit above him. He started to think if he had woken up the older, and he gritted his teeth.

“Yeah,” he answered simply, not being sure what the other really wanted.

“He really hurt you, didn’t he?” Hyukjae asked, his voice a bit hoarse from sleepiness but as tender as he could be.

Donghae swallowed, it hadn’t been anything big, or new, honestly but…

“He just…pushed me a bit too hard. I mean he…hit me. And I guess I fell against the coffee table,” he muttered, staring at the darkened wall in front of his eyes while he laid his back towards Hyukjae. Some days, the darkness might have been consoling. Today, it only made him feel smaller, more alone.

“I’m not talking about that, Donghae.”

The brunette could hear how Hyukjae raised his upper body while he leaned against his elbow. He could imagine the tired frown on the boy’s forehead.

“I’m talking about your feelings. I know you can manage with the physical pain… But the moment I saw you I knew he really hurt you this time.”

Sometimes Donghae couldn’t really understand how Hyukjae always found the right words to say. His mere presence made him feel safe and protected, because the worried and somehow anger-filled, protective frown had been hovering his forehead for the whole evening. They had been best friends for few years already, so he could really read the other one without hearing any words. He didn’t want to cry though. He just didn’t. He didn’t cry in front of his father anymore, he usually cried only when he was alone, when no one else could see. It had been over a year since the last time he had cried in front of Hyukjae – except the one time they fought about something really stupid and he was so afraid that he would lose him.

He kept pressing his fingernails against his palms, muscles tensed and hard when he silenced the sobs. Hyukjae couldn’t bear with it any longer, so he moved his cover away and slid his body down from his own bed, crawling under the same duvet with Donghae. When he let out a heavy exhale, he turned the smaller frame carefully around and pulled his quivering body against his own. Only then he could hear him let out an exhausted and pained sob. And they didn’t stop until Donghae just didn’t have any more energy to cry – and for all that time he had kept caressing those soft locks, sometimes wiping his tears and definitely not caring a damn about the fluids staining his chest or shoulders.

He could only think how anyone was even able to hurt a creature so beautiful like Donghae. It might have been the first time when he actually realized how much the brunette mattered to him; how much he was even able to care about him – although, yet he didn’t really understand what all of those feelings could keep inside. He just knew he would never want to let go of that boy.

When the morning came and the sunrise had just started to lighten up that side of the world, Mrs. Lee was about to go wake up the boys. After opening the door and seeing his son’s own bed empty and finding them curled up against each other she really did had to harden her heart; because if she wouldn’t do that, she would never be able to wake those two up for school. Maybe for someone else’s mother it wouldn’t have been such a heart-warming sight, but at least she couldn’t make herself see anything wrong in that. For her, she had probably never seen such a strong bond and trust between any kids on that age… All she wanted was, in all honesty, just to see those two happy. Best friends, lovers, it didn’t matter.

Although she wanted to bet for her non-existent farm that if that between those two wasn’t love, she couldn’t say what really was.

When she heard such a pleased sighing coming from Donghae’s way and saw how he snuggled closer to her son, she decided to give up and give those two ten more minutes to keep on sleeping.