At that very night, I remember him again. The one that I successfully buried locked, far from my reach. That same night, he appears again. The day I read that message, the time when I stupidly believed all his sweet lies. Memories of our little banter, childish act, his confession, our first day moving, first date, my first love...

It's open again. It's break down. It's come again. What should I do?

I wake up at two in the morning and crying for the rest of my sleeping time until morning. I go to work like always. I don’t care how people see that big bulging red eyes from my face. I don’t even care people see me weirdly at the train. I see nothing, I feel nothing, beside the resurfacing memories that I want to forget. Why is it come again? Why is it give me so much hurt? Are memories always that scary?

I go to my cubicle and bury myself with tons of work. I skip my break time. I can’t stop. If I don’t think of anything else my head always show the streaming film that I don’t want to remember. I hate that. I don’t want to think about it. It makes me remember of how weak I was. How stupid and how blind was i with him. It's gross. I don’t like that stupid me.

Days with my bad dreams on night and full time work at the day. I skip every lunch time, I eat less and less, my stomach just never reminds me, I never feel hungry. I don’t think I need to eat anymore. That's better. I don’t have to think about food, all I just to thing is to work, work, and paying all the living cost for my apartment, water and electricity. I don’t have to see anything again. It's great.

Suddenly I can feel the ground feel so distant. It's spinning along with my sight. At first it's becomes blurry. I can’t see anything clearly. I want to go home because the office time ended already since one hour ago. I can feel a sting pain on my head. Its force me to close my eyes and slump away from my sense. Dark, that was the last thing I remember before I really giving up to the force that take my consciousness away.

------

Tit tit tit

A voice of beeping machine.

Where am I? It's not the feeling of cold tiles on my apartment. I remember the place before the darkness ate me. Office lobby. But office lobby don’t have any weird beeping sound. And it's a little warm here. I thought it was raining before. Where am I? I open my eyes, relishing the cover that preventing the light. It's too bright, too much light. His apartment doesn’t have this many blinding light. It's just one with a dim light which is already old enough to shine.

White? No more color that my eyes could detect beside white. Is this heaven? I died already? Good, that way would be better. I don’t have to feel anything else.

"Changmin, you're awake?"

A voice calls my name. Who is it?

"I'll call the doctor."

Doctor? I’m not dead yet? And doctor, which means hospital?

A cold metal against my skin chest. It moves several times. I can’t move my body. All feels heavy and tiring. The blurry view on my eyes lessens but I still can’t recognize color beside white.

"He's conscious already. Too tired and lack of nutrition. We'll give him intravenous nutrition drip to help but he still needs to eat."

I'm not hungry! Why I need to at when I'm not?! I want to protest if I can move any part of my body, if I can. It's like not my own body. Am I always this fragile? Can't do anything on my own? Is that why I can't forget him? And become this mushy stupid boy again when a little part of him appear again? Am I still weak? Still the same me like years ago? I don’t want that me. I don’t like him. That boy died already. When I decided to forget that person, I closed all part of that boy inside me. I made sure that won't come out.

"Changmin, are you hurt?

I don’t need anybody. I can take care this by myself.

"Anything wrong?"

Who is this? Why is he asking so much? I turn my head with so much difficulty. Junsu? What is he doing here? Was it he that brings me here?

"You feel down suddenly." He sits on the chair beside the bed. "I called you but you never turn back. So I just follow you. You looked so pale and I’m afraid something might happen to you." He looks at me. "Y