29 August 2014

9:24 a.m

"You can't be serious hyung!"

"Baekhyun," Baekbeom cuba menenangkan adiknya itu. " The chances are still there."

"10% of survival? Hyung memang nak bunuh Hanna ke apa?"

"Byun Baekhyun! Kalau Hanna tak lalui pembedahan survival chance dia 0% tahu tak? Zero."

*

10 a.m

"Hey oppa, kenapa ni?"

"Hurm? What?"

"Hanna tengok oppa masam je. Tak ceria macam selalu."

"Tak ada apa-apalah, oppa okay je." Baekhyun cuba menipu Hanna. Tidak, bukan Hanna yang mahu dia tipu. Sebaliknya, dirinya sendiri.

"Come on oppa, tell me."

"It's nothing Hanna. Uh, oppa ada patient nak buat medical check-up, nanti oppa datang balik."

*

2: 16 p.m

"Mama!"

Hanna yang sedang asyik membaca buku novelnya mengalihkan pandangannya ke arah pintu. Bibirnya mengukirkan senyuman di saat melihat Ara muncul di situ. Gadis kecil yang sedang memegang sebuah buku itu terus menuju ke arah Hanna dan memanjat katil tersebut.

"Ara. Anak Mama buat apat kat sini?"

Ara mengangkat bahunya sedikit. "Doktor Baekhyun suruh Ara datang sini. Dia cakap dia ada banyak kerja, lepas tu dia cakap Ara kena teman Mama."

Dahi Hanna berkerut sedikit. Benarkah apa yang dikatakan Ara itu? Bukankah selalunya Baekhyun tak sibuk?

“Ah, ya ke?” tanya Hanna. “Tak apalah. Ara nak buat apa ni?”

“Ni!” Ara memberikan sebuah buku cerita yang agak tebal kepada Hanna, “Mama tolong bacakan boleh?”

“Fairytales for The Young. Oh? Mana Ara dapat buku ni?” tanya Hanna lagi. Setahu Hanna, Ara tidak memiliki buku tersebut.

“Doktor Baekhyun yang bagi,” kata Ara, senyumannya menampakkan giginya yang putih berseri.

Oppa yang bagi?

The moonbeam that brims up in your eyes
This night that silently overflows with pain

12: 49 a.m.

“Hanna, this morning you asked what was wrong, do you remember?”

“……”

“Memang ada sesuatu yang buat fikiran oppa bercelaru. Tetapi……Oppa tak sanggup nak beri tahu Hanna.”

“……”

“Sebenarnya, Baekbeom-hyung inform oppa yang Baekhyun kena take part dalam satu pembedahan Oktober ni. Oppa excited sangat at first, tak sabar rasa nak buat surgery. I wanted to look at how all the operation goes.”

Baekhyun menyambung kata-katanya, “But then, he said that the surgery is going to be for you. Part 2 of your spleen infection removal. Hyung cakap nak buang the whole thing, sebab takut infection tu merebak ke jantung. As humans, it is possible to live without our spleen. But things are risky Hanna, Baekbeom-hyung cakap survival rate is only 10%. It’s too little, isn’t it?” tanya Baekhyun kepada Hanna yang sedang lena dubuai mimpi.

Baekhyun telah berusaha sedaya-upaya untuk mengelakkan dirinya daripada menjenguk Hanna. Dia tidak sanggup menatap wajah gadis yang berkemungkinan besar akan meninggalkannya itu. Baekhyun tidak sanggup membayangkan hidupnya tanpa Hanna. Dia tidak mahu melepaskan gadis yang dia cintai itu. Namun Baekhyun tewas dengan pasungan rindu di hatinya. Meskipun tengah maam sudah menjelma, dia masih juga perlu menjenguk Hanna.

Sickness or addiction?

Perhaps even an overdose.

“Oppa tahu oppa salah. Oppa tak sepatutnya elak daripada Hanna macam ni tapi Oppa tak sanggup Hanna, oppa tak sanggup……Kalau Hanna tinggalkan oppa nanti macam mana? Oppa takut……”

Tanpa disedari, air matanya mula mengalir, “Hanna, oppa sayangkan Hanna. Oppa tak sanggup nak bayangkan hidup tanpa Hanna,” begitu tulus dan sayu pengakuan daripada jejaka yang bernama Byun Baekhyun itu. Tidak dia menyangka dirinya berani untuk membuat pengakuan tersebut. Namun isi hati siapalalah yang tahu? Baekhyun sekarang hanya mampu menangis, mengenangkan nasib Hanna yang akan tiba tidak lama lagi.

“Hanna,” Baekhyun bangun dan mendekatkan dirinya kepada Hanna lalu menyinggahkan satu kucupan di dahi gadis tersebut, “Janji jangan tinggalkan oppa boleh? Oppa sayang Hanna,” bisiknya.

“I love you too.”

Terkedu Baekhyun dibuatnya. Dia mengalihkan pandangannya ke bawah dan dia mendapati bahawa mata Hanna sedang merenungnya. Air mata jernih juga sudah mula mengalir ke pipi.

“I love you too.”

18 Oktober 2014 – 9:57 p.m

“Puteri Duyung jatuh cinta dengan Putera Raja. Namun sayang, dunia mereka berbeza.”

“Alaa, kesiannya Puteri Duyung,” ujar Ara. Baekhyun yang ada di sebelah mereka berdua ketawa kecil, kerenah Ara mencuit hatinya.

Hanna menyambung ceritanya, “Tetapi, Puteri Duyung teramat menyintai Putera Raja dan tidak sanggup berisah dengannya. Akhirnya, Puteri Dutung membuat keputusan untuk berjumpa dengan ahli sihir lautan.”

“Eh? Kenapa pulak dia nak jumpa ahli sihir?” tanya Ara lgi.

“Ara, Mama nak baca cerita tu kan, be patient,” arah Baekhyun lembut.

“Ahli sihir lautan memberikan Puteri Duyung segelas cawan berisi ramuan ajaib. Katanya, ekor duyungnya akan bertukar kepada kaki manusia. Puteri Duyung berasa gembira. Ah! Akhirnya dia boleh bertemu semula dengan Putera Raja……”

“But there’s always a catch,” celah Baekhyun, sedikit bosan dengan cerita dongeng tersebut.

“Ish, Doktor Baekhyun ni. Janganlah kacau Mama nak bercerita,” marah Ara.

Terkekek-kekek Hanna dibuatnya, kerenah dua orang insan kesayangannya ini memang sangat melucukan, “Hmm…Mana Mama baca tadi?”

“Ahli sihir,” serentak Baekhyun dan Ara berkata.

“Ah, yes. Namun begitu, ada 2 syarat yang diberikan oleh ahli sihir kepada Puteri Duyung. Yang pertama, Puteri Duyung akan kehilangan suaranya dan yang kedua, Putera Raja perlu membuat pengakuan cinta sebelum matahari terbenam pada hari ke-7.”

“Ooo……Lepas tu?” sekali lagi Ara mencelah.

“Putera Raja terpegun dengan kecantikan Puteri Duyung, tetapi dia tidak mengetahui identity sebenar Puteri Duyung itu. Mereka berkawan seperti biasa, tetapi Putera Raja bingung, mengapakah Puteri Duyung tidak bercakap walaupun sepatah perkataan?”

“Aish! Semua ni mesti sebab ahli sihir tu,” tambah Ara.

“Woah, relax Ara. Cerita je ni,” kata Baekhyun sambil mengelengkan kepalanya.

Hanna tersenyum sebelum meneruskan penceritaannya, “Ahli sihir yang zalim itu menyusun rancangan. Dia menggunakan suara Puteri Duyung yang merdu untuk memikat Putera Raja. Putera Raja seolah-olah menjadi buta, dia jatuh cinta dengan ahli sihir tersebut dan mahu mengahwininya. Puteri Duyung bersedih, cinta hatinya bakal menjadi milik orang lain.”

“Kesiannya……” ujar Ara lagi.

“Pada senja hari ke-7, Puteri Duyung bersedia untuk kembali ke lautan, di mana rumahnya berada. Namun, tanpa disangka-sangka, dirinya bertukar menjadi buih. Tidak jauh dari situ, Puteri Duyung terdengar suara ahli sihir yang sedang mengatawakan dirinya. ‘Padan muka kau! Hilanglah bersama buih-buih di lautan!’ kata ahli sihir zalim itu.”

“Eh, eh, janganlah nangis Ara,” pujuk Baekhyun, membuatkan Hanna terkejut. Dia tidak menyagka bahawa Ara akan begitu tersentuh dengan cerita itu.

“Mama, Puteri Duyung……Jadi buih ke?”

“Jangan nangis sayang, ini sekadar cerita sahaja,” pujuk Hanna.

“Tapi……Dia betul-betul jadi buih ke?” tanya Ara dalam esakan.

Hanna mengangguk, “Puteri Duyung bertukar menjadi buih dan hilang di lautan. Tetapi hatinya tidak pernah hilang,”

“Maksud Mama?”

Say no more (baby) no more (don’t cry)
Please don’t hesitate at the moment you’ll become foam
Say no more (baby) no more (don’t cry)
So you can remain as a shining person, burn me with that dagger instead

“Hati Puteri Duyung tidak pernah meninggalkan tempat itu. Hatinya masih lagi ada bersama Putera Raja, lelaki yang dia sayangi,” jelas Hanna lalu membelai anak rambut Ara.

“Moral of the story is……Kisah kehidupan tidak selaunya berakhir dengan happy ending my dear. Tetapi, Ara kena ingat, kita sebagai manusia perlu sentiasa bersabar dan meneruskan kehidupan, meskipun orang yang kita sayangi telah meninggalkan kita,”

Hanna, soulma……

“Cuba bayangkan perasaan ayah dan kakak-kakak Puteri Duyung, mesti mereka bersedih dengan kehilangan Puteri Duyungkan? Mereka menangis dan sentiasa mengenang akan memori-memori mereka bersama-bersama Puteri Duyung. Ara pun selalu ingat parents Arakan?”

Ara mengangguk.

“Tidak salah untuk Ara menangis dan merindui parents Ara tetapi Ara perlu tahu, masih ada lgi orang yang sayang Ara, macam Mama dengan Doktor Baekhyun,” Satu senyuman manis terukir di bibir Hanna, “Orang yang kita sayangi datang dan pergi, tetapi Ara perlu ingat, kasih sayang yang mereka berikan tidak pernah meninggalkan Ara. Tidak pernah sama sekali, arasseo?”

Ara sekali lagi mengangguk walaupun dirinya tidak memahami kata-kata Hanna dengan sepenuhnya, “Good girl.”

Baekhyun yang seyap dari tadi membuka mulutnya dan berkata, “Ara, it’s time for bed. Jom.”

Hanna mencium ubun-ubun gadis kecil itu, “Anak Mama pergi tidur okay? Mama sayang Ara.”

Tersengih Ara mendengar kata-kata tersebut, “I love you to Mama!”

“Hurm, yelah. Tak ada orang pun sayang Papa.” kata Baekhyun.

“Eh, bila masa pulak oppa jadi papa Ara ni?” tanya Hanna.

“Sejak……Bila-bila jelah.”

Sejak confession tak sengaja hari tulah Hanna. Ini mesti buat main-main ni.

“Hanna pun kena tidur. It’s a big day for you tomorrow,” pesan Baekhyun sambil mendukung Ara, “Get some rest.”

Hanna tersenyum pahit, “Neh oppa.”

19 Oktober 2014

8: 32 a.m

“Go on, make a wish.”

“Oppa, Hanna kena bersiap untuk surgerylah.”

“Ala, wish sekejap je. Go on, make a wish,” pinta Baekhyun lagi.

“Aish oppa.”

I wish……

2: 54 p.m

“Medical check-up?”

“Check,” balas Hanna.

“Vaccine injection?”

“Dah buat masa medical check-up tadi.”

“Oh, so I guess you’re all set then.

“Yeah.”

“Ready?” tanya Baekhyun lalu mencium dahi Hanna.

Gadis itu memejamkan matanya, membiarkan dirinya dibuai kasih sayang buat kali yang terakhir, "As I'll ever be."

8: 40 p.m

“We’ll wait for you okay? And when you come out, we’ll be here,” kata ibu kesayangan Hanna, Anna dalam tangisan yang teresak-esak.

“Minho tunggu Hanna-noona dekat sini!” tambah satu-satunya adik lelaki Hanna itu.

“Be strong my dear, you can do it,” kata ayahnya pula.

Hanna mengangguk dengan lemah dan menatap satu per satu wajah-wajah insan yang amat dia sayangi. Meskipun mereka mengagahkan diri mereka untuk bersenyum, Hanna tahu betapa sedih dan takutnya mereka sekarang ini.

Chaena yang senyap sejak tadi merapatkan dirinya kepada kakaknya itu dan berkata, “I……I’m sorry, for everything. I’ll make it up to you, so come back okay?”

Tersentuh hati Hanna mendengar kata-kata tersebut. Ingin sahaja dia mengangguk sebagai tanda janji, tetapi dia sedar bahawa seandainya dia melakukan yang demekian, mustahil baginya untuk menunaikan janji tersebut.

"Baekhyun-shii," Chaena mengangkat mukanya dan memanggil Baekhyun yang dari tadi setia berada di tepi Hanna, "Take care of her. We trust you."

Baekhyun mengangguk perlahan, "I will."

"Ne, Chaena?" panggil Hanna.

"Hurm? What is it Hanna?"

"Happy birthday."

8: 49 p.m

Hanna melihat keadaan di sekelilingnya. Terdapat 2 orang doktor di situ iaitu Baekbeom dan Baekhyun. Berdasarkan gaya dan reaksi mukanya, Hanna dapat merumuskan bahawa Baekbeom sedang membincangkan sesuatu bersama-sama jururawat yang lain. Doktor yang lebih muda itu pula masih lagi ada di sisinya, namun mata Baekhyun sedang memandang Baekbeom dan yang lain-lain.

"It's all set then," kata Baekbeom, "Miss Kim, awak boleh bius dia sekarang."

Hanna menghela nafas panjang, menahan kesakitan daripada jarum bius yang akan membuatnya lena sepanjang pembedahannya. Dia mula berasa pening, pandangannnya juga mula kabur.

It's time.

Sebagai langkah terakhir sebelum dirinya ditelan kegelapan, Hanna sempat menarik tangan Baekhyun. Jejaka itu mengerutkan dahinya dan memandang muka Hanna. Bibir Hanna sedang bergerak-gerak, seolah-olah cuba mengatakan sesuatu. Baekhyun merapatkan mukanya dengan muka Hanna, mendengar bisikan terakhir daripada gadis itu.

"Saranghae."

Baby don’t cry tonight after the darkness passes
Baby don’t cry tonight it’ll become as if it never happened
You’re not the one to disappear into foam, something you never should’ve known
So Baby don’t cry cry my love will protect you

"Beep......"

Monitor jantung mula mendatar, semua orang di dalam bilik pembedahan itu mula cemas. Seorang jururawat perempuan mendekati Hanna dan memeriksa nadi gadis tersebut, "There's no pulse."

"I'll stop her bleeding. Baekhyun, start on with the chest compressions!" arah Baekbeom dengan terburu-buru. Tanpa berfikir panjang, Baekhyun terus melakukan compressions pada dada Hanna. Matanya kelihatan tegang dan gelisah.

Come on Hanna, don't do this, don't die on me.

"Get the defibrillator," sekali lagi Baekbeom mengeluarkan arahan tanpa mengalihkan pandangannya pada Hanna.

Secara tiba-tiba, suasana bilik pembedahan yang asalnya sunyi menjadi kelam-kabut. Ramai yang keluar dari bilik tersebut manakala yang masih tinggal mengerumuni Hanna. Ada yang membuat compressions, memerhatikan monitor dan melakukan injection.

"Reading?" tanya Baekhyun dengan nada yang tertekan, tangannya masih lagi ligat membuat compressions.

"There's still no reading Doctor," jawab seorang jururawat di situ. Baekhyun mengetapkan bibirnya.

"Doctor Byun, defibrillator is here," Baekhyun menoleh ke belakang dan melihat beberapa orang jururawat sedang menolak alat peranti tersebut dan mula mendekati Hanna. Tangan mereka lincah mengendalikan defibrillator itu.

Masa seolah-olah bergerak sangat lambat pada ketika itu. Tanpa disedari sesiapa pun, hampir setengah jam telah berlalu sejak monitor jantung pertama kali mendatar.

"Reading?" tanya Baekbeom.

"V-Fib," balas jururawat itu dengan satu anggukan.

Baekbeom membalas anggukan itu dan berkata, "Stand by paddle, 150 joule."

Walaupun berat hatinya untuk meninggalkan Hanna, Baekhyun masih lagi berundur ke belakang bagi memberikan laluan kepada jururawat yang lain untuk menggunakan defibrillator. 2 orang jururawat mula melekapkan paddle di bahagian atas dada kanan dan satu lagi di atas pinggang kiri Hanna, bersedia untuk membuat kejutan.

"Pump"

"Clear."

"Pump"

"Clear."

Mata Baekhyun tidak pernah lekang daripada muka Hanna. Nafasnya seolah-olah terhenti, menunggu walaupun satu khabar yang positif.

Hanna, soulma......

"Pump"

"Clear."

Don't go, don't leave me.

"Pump"

"Clear......"

The early sunlight comes down

A blinding force that reminds me of you comes down

20 Oktober 2014-4:21 a.m

 Jung Hanna disahkan meninggal dunia.

Dear Baekhyun-oppa,

            If there’s any chance that this letter falls into your hands, then I must have left, forever. It’s funny how the word forever sounds so meaningless to me right now, because all I’m cherishing is what is left of my time. The past memories I clutch onto tighter, wanting to remember them even to my last breath. My time spent with those whom I love, I’d do anything to turn back to those days. I’d do anything to be with them again.

I have to admit this oppa, there is indeed this glimmer of hope left in me that wishes for a miracle. A recovery.

But I guess that did not happen, huh?

However, a miracle did happen. I first knew of the word leukemia when I was 5. I was confused, my mother who loved teaching me new words was crying her eyes out when she told me the dreaded ‘L’ word. Her eyes were puffy and red, her voice choking on the words she spoke out. My father had to hug her from behind, holding her so she would not fall. The moment I asked what the word meant, she broke down to more tears, hugging me and whispering that everything was going to be okay. I did not understand a single thing, all I knew was that I was sick but my parents promised that I’m going to get better again.

It only dawned upon me the true meaning of leukemia when I turned 9. With all the constant treatments, meds, chemotherapies, it somehow finally clicked that this leukemia was no joke. Even then my parents never stopped banking out money just for me, for me to have a recovery. But it did not happen, not even now. I never blame my fate though, I even accepted it with an open heart, embraced it even. To me, having the opportunity to live this long with the leukemia haunting my days was miraculous enough. I believe that was the miracle. And so  I lived everyday as if it was last, ready to face death if it came knocking.

But it didn't, you did.

It’s quite funny actually, there’s so many ways to describe you. A full blossom with a smile so radiant, or maybe even a unique snowflake like no other. However, my personal favorite is this one: a fiery ball of sunshine, one that manages to light up my dimmed days. You’re probably laughing your heads of right now but I swear, this is who you are to me. My light and sunshine. You came waltzing in unexpectedly, making me smile day after day. And somehow, that thought of living everyday as it was my last disappeared. All because of you.

You have no idea how I went to sleep every night, desperately wanting the sun to rise quickly, so that I could see you again. I myself did not realize how much of an impact you had become to me. You were that person who I wanted to see every single day. It did not matter how much pain I was in, what mattered was that I could see you.

I love you.

Well that’s one heck of a confession huh? By letter. I suppose I’ve been living in ancient history anyways.

I don’t exactly remember when I fell in love, but I do know when I realized my feelings for you.

When you ask?

Easy, that fateful day in April, when you were so mad at me for not eating the prototype. I was extremely afraid that day, not because of what you did though, instead, it was because I was afraid of losing you. I really thought that you would not want to see me again because I ignored your orders. I was really afraid oppa, terrified even.

So I took every single one of them according to your schedule. It hurt oppa, it really did. But what I wanted at that time was only to see you. So when you did not come by, I grew more and more desperate. Desperate for you. I scolded myself repeatedly, even to the point of being sick of myself. Then……I just knew it.

I had fallen in love.

I didn’t know whether I was a good actor or you’re just a bit on the dumb side but truthfully, my heart was always fluttering when I saw you. It was officially official, I was not only physically sick, but emotionally unstable too.

I realized that I’m far from being perfect oppa. I realized that even if you did love me, this love story was going nowhere. I was a sick girl, counting her days before meeting death while there you were, a young doctor who had such a bright future ahead of you. We may meet in a hospital, but our condition, lifestyles and dare I say it, future, were too different. We could never have had an ending oppa, let alone a happy one.

You yourself knew how low-spirited I was as a patient. I was always ready to meet death, despite knowing it meant leaving everyone I loved behind. I regretted nothing, because there was nothing to be regretful for.

Except for you.

I won’t lie oppa. I did wish for us to meet in a different situation. I’m pretty sure that I would still fall in love you, regardless of all the differences. But a wish was never the reality. The reality was right in front of me, having you by my side because of my fate. So I suppose, there’s really nothing to be regretful for huh?

I had a loving family that would go to the end of the world just for me. I had also found my love that stayed with me no matter what.

So, yeah.

No regrets.

Come to think of it, I should be grateful for all of you.

I haven’t made my birthday wish yet have I oppa? I know it’s too late and all and probably doesn’t even count but still, can I do it now? I originally wished to leave a mark on this world, to leave a mark on you. But mark causes scars doesn’t it? I don’t want that. I don’t want to hurt you.

I wish for you to move on oppa.

Just like the fairytale that I told Ara, it’s okay to be sad and hold onto memories. But do remember to move on oppa. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, nor does it mean letting go. Moving on means to learn loving someone else and have faith that the future will be brighter than this moment. You always told me to have hope, and now it’s my turn to do the same. I can’t remind you every day (of course), so remember it now. Okay oppa?

If there’s ever a moment where you feel down or devastated, then remember me. Remember this girl who loved you with all her heart. As imperfect as I may be, my love towards you was,no, is pure and real. I can promise you that.

Thank you for walking into my life, thank you for making me smile, thank you for giving me hope and of course, thank you for loving me.

I love you, 사랑해.

Always and forever yours,

Hanna

P.S: The 'husband' in my imagination was you.

At last my eyes that lost their way Cry cry cry

-Baby Don't Cry, EXO