Yifan let her cry for a while, and when he spoke, his voice broke along with his heart. Right in that moment he knew that he was willing to give it all up; just to be able to live his life the way he wanted to.  

“I’m sorry, Ara, I really am. I already told them that I didn’t want to do it, but it’s not like my opinion matters to them,” he said.

“I understand,” she said. “And it’s not as if I’m with you because it’s convenient, anyway,” she added.

Kris smiled a little, a poor attempt to make light of the situation. He continued to explain that it was still in the air, and he was pretty certain that the season when he was supposed to join the show would not air until the summer of next year. When word got out that he had expressed his dislike for the project, his supposed partner, a senior from SNSD, got wind of it all and was extremely upset and refused to do the show as well. It had caused all sorts of problems for the production and the management, and they were doing all that they could to prevent the media from getting leaked information about the show.

“Why did you say no, though? You’re already having a difficult time with management the way they’re handling your career-“

“Because I didn’t want to do it. I know you wouldn’t like it,” he said in a quiet voice.

She sighed. “It doesn’t matter, Yifan. It’s your job-“

He took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, his long, lean body almost bent in half. It was an uncomfortable position, but so many things were running on his mind that he hardly cared.

“Do you know that they turned down offers from China? Several directors, prominent ones, have asked to talk to SME if they could at least just have me audition for parts and they were all turned down. And I’m not just talking about cameos or anything, I was being offered to audition for main roles. I have been offered to sing for soundtracks and guess what? Management said Jongdae can do it. Don’t get me wrong, Jongdae is a nice guy and he’s an amazing singer but the offer was for me. I know at least two producers who wanted me to give me roles for dramas here in Korea but they were all turned down as well,”

“I didn’t know about all this,“ Ara said in disbelief.

“If this keeps up, with the way things are going, my career will be in the rut even if I stay for the next ten years with the company. And you know what? I want to do more with my life than just rap nonsensical lyrics that they throw at me. I want to sing, I want to act. I want to write,”

“But…how are you-“

“It’s not even about the money anymore. That can be earned. I can work for my father if I have to, go back to school, whatever,” he said.

“Then what is the problem?” she asked.

“Can you imagine being stuck like this? I feel so…caged.” he sighed.

Ara was staring at nothing in particular, but he could almost hear the cogs in her brain, turning, trying to think of where this was going. He took her hand and took a deep breath. He had thought of what to say to her, how to say it, but he was still worried about she would take it. Throwing all caution to the wind, he told her what had been on his mind lately.

“And how about us? We’re going to be lucky if they even let me tell the public that we’re together in maybe, what, five years? I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m already starting to get sick of hiding when all I want to do is to be able to take you out on a quiet dinner somewhere nice where I won’t have to worry about people seeing. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong!” he sighed.

“I really wanted to do this in the beginning, but I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not built for this,”

“Yifan, this isn’t just your life we’re talking about. What about the others?” she asked in a trembling voice.

Of course that had crossed his mind. Several times. They were some of the very few reasons he came back from his self-imposed hiatus in Canada last year.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and maybe if SM treated us better it wouldn’t be an issue, but-“

“If you’re worried about us…Then we can break up, just don’t leave,” she blurted out. “That seems like a logical solution, right?”

Kris held her by the shoulders and he couldn’t hide the anger in his voice. “What? I’m trying to figure out a way so this can work and we can be together. Why are you even suggesting- are you crazy? Don’t you want to get married?”

She rubbed her temples and held her hand up. “Yifan, wait. Let’s…let’s think this through. I’ve only been your girlfriend for barely a week! What marriage are you talking about? Are you insane?”

“I’ve known you for three years, loved you from a far like an idiot for the last two. Isn’t that enough?”

It was true. Yoon Ara was like the star, and he, the fan. It was ridiculous how she thought otherwise. She was like a butterfly with the most beautiful wings, unaware of how her mere presence had such an effect on people. How she lit up a room when she walked in, the way she talked and how her kind ways brought out the best in others, especially him.

“Yifan-“

“I know what I want. Maybe not now, but in the future. I don’t want to break up with you! That doesn’t solve part of my problem. If I’m in China-“

She broke down with his last words and clung to him and she sounded like she was trying to strangle the words out of .

“Yifan, please don’t leave me,” she cried softly.

He stiffened against her. “Why would you say that? I would never-“

“But you said if you’re in China-“

He pulled away from her and gently wiped the tears on her cheeks. There was no other way to put the question out, and he was never one to mince his words or beat around the bush. His heart raced like a tornado inside his chest when thought about how this might just be the moment that could make or break them both.

“If I leave, will you come with me?”

She stayed still, and struggled to answer, like she wasn’t sure of what he was asking of her. They stared at each other for a while, until a loud banging on the door startled them out of their trance. Yifan pulled her in for a hug and whispered to her ear.

“I’d never leave you. But think about what I asked,”

He stood up and opened the door. It was Sehun and Jongin, and Ara stood up and went to the small bathroom.

“Oh…you’re dressed. That was, um, anti-climactic?” Sehun said as he said Jongin a side-way glance.

Jongin laughed. “He made a bet with Tao that you and Ara noona are doing the nasty,”

“What do you guys need?” Yifan asked in a dead voice.

“Oh,” Sehun said. “Um, Chanyeol finally got the DVD working, we were wondering if you guys wanted to watch it with us?”

Ara stood right next to Kris. “Was that really why or you wanted to check if you would win your bet?”

Sehun spluttered his protests. “No, really, we wanted to check if you wanted to see the movie with us!” he said.

Ara shook her head. “Don’t worry, Oh Sehun, if Yifan and I were actually doing it, you would know,”

The boy visibly paled and Jongin’s eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Yifan chuckled and herded them out of the way and they all went up the second floor where they found Zitao curled up on a bean bag, a comforter wrapped around his shoulders. Yixing was half-asleep, slumped at the end of the couch, a crumpled beer can in his hands. Kyungsoo had apparently lost patience while Chanyeol tried to set up the dvd player and had gone to bed instead.

“Oh you guys are here, we can start the movie!” Chanyeol said in gravelly voice.

Yifan frowned. “Are you getting sick, too?”

“No, I think I put too much salt in the popcorn? I drank water. I should sound better in the morning,” Chanyeol said.

Ara and Yifan settled on one of the shorter couches by the windows. They started the movie and it was too much gore that she ended pressing her face against Yifan’s chest instead. She fell asleep in less than ten minutes.

Chanyeol kept making commentaries on how dumb the movie was, from the prosthetics to the plot line-“Horror movies don’t have plot lines, idiot,” Sehun said- and Tao kept whimpering from his seat. Jongin laughed every time Sehun successfully made Zitao jump from his seat by tickling his sides and Yixing just gave up in the end and announced that he was going to bed.

Yifan just watched Ara sleep in his arms. Even in her sleep, she held on to him as if it were their last night together. He wondered what she really thought about his question. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t very sure about what he was asking of her either.

He wanted to leave but he was staying, and it was all because of her. But he had already made some decisions that set some things in motion. The repercussions would be disastrous if not handled well by the people that he now trusted with his life and career, but there was no turning back now. Ara murmured something in her sleep and Kris sighed.

Sehun and Jongin wanted to watch another movie after the one that they were watching ended, but Zitao wouldn’t hear any of it. Chanyeol was already asleep, mouth slack, on his spot on the couch. Yifan shook Ara gently and she woke up with a start.

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