Letting go of something that I had been so scarcely attracted to, had never been in my book, thus, my visits to the Starbucks, the sole intention being seeing her never ceased, even after being brutally rejected. and every time I did, I found my inner self urging me to go and begin a conversation, but my wits were too weak, it held me back, and something, a slithering parasite was there inside me, searching for all the qualities that she had asked from me, and for some reason, I knew that I would never give up on it. I would be that person, the person she had wanted me to be, thus I motivated myself to find them, the qualities and be the person whom she’d give her heart to.  And every night I found myself lying in my canopied bed, staring up at the roof of my lonely pent house apartment, deep in thought wondering how I could bring change upon myself. Her voice rang in my head back then, like an endless lullaby which kept me awake nonetheless, and I remembered her once speaking on the phone about a woman that she had heard about being brutally abused by her husband in household. I had listened to her speak, to her word flow, and felt just how she moved my heart. I had made a pact for myself then, after hearing her words, to never again find myself night-stands. I was ashamed of myself then, having it done a few times although I had treated them gently and nicely, still, it was wrong doing. I was being such a shameful man and that very thought, I suppose, changed my perception on women. Women to me, after then weren’t whom who gave us men pleasure every night and cooked and did the laundry, no. From her, I learned, women were the ones who dominated our lives, like a soft, gentle typhoon, slowly and gently and what a real woman could give a real man was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to a shameless one night stand. I changed in that aspect, therefore I stopped getting drunk at bars and nightclubs, I stopped meeting any girls and my friends; instead I concentrated on my work and then I began to read.

It was strange though, reading, somehow, got into me. And out of those fictional characters, I learned so many things, then I read biographies of so many important persons. At the end of the day I would think of her, and wonder if I had come a weeny bit closer to change myself, to find honesty, respect loyalty, compassion, all of this that she wanted in me. When I saw I had failed, I’d try again. I was truly bonded to that one task of somehow finding those aspects within myself. I realized, I wanted her, ever so desperately in my life.

After two weeks of time where I spent all my time reading, thinking and motivating myself, I gathered my strength once more, found my endearing courage once more and approached her with a great intent in my hands, to win her one way or the other.

I could clearly evoke everything about that particular day where I finally managed to carry on a longer conversation with her. I was surprised myself that I was able to do it, even with the modest knowledge on ethical matters I had, yet, I had gained so much of awareness from the reading I had done, the miracle of meeting her that I had finally come to become much more of a knowledgeable person with a considerable amount of moral values. She wore a simple white blouse, topped with a dark blue blazer and her hair bunned up tight. Her make-up was neat and dark, her features well defined. Something told me that she was on the way to something important. She told me then, she was on the way to a delegation, a discussion session on women’s advancement. I was lacking of knowledge on that particular field though, delegating had never interested me, yet, I questioned her about it, and listened to her intently as she spoke. Her way of speech was beautiful, I was paralyzed on the spot. Every word she said maid so much of eloquent sense, every point she made was clearly defined. In my eyes, she was a perfect diplomat, a perfect delegate. I was certain that she would bring a massive difference to the world. She then asked about me, about my thoughts on what she asked me at our previous meeting. I offered her a smile then, I remember even the tiniest details; and told her how I really felt.

“I’m interested in you, Jung Eunji” I told her, every word I meant with my entire heart. “And that is completely on a feelings and emotions, coming from deep within my heart…”

“I acknowledge you for it, then…” She retorted with a smile more beautiful than a cluster of cherry blossoms. “Nothing in the world can ever stop someone from liking another…Mister Kim, it’s a moral fact”

“You inspired my…therefore I suppose I would want to know you better…”

“You have all the honours to do so, Mister Kim…”

Something bloomed deep within me along with utter contentment, and then, worry.

“But Miss Jung…I-,”

She chuckled in response at that time, and it was almost as beautiful as the sound of thousand wedding bells chiming at once, or even better so. I’m certain my heart skipped a bit the first time I heard it, for my heart still does have the very same reaction on hearing her laugh.

“It’s okay…Mister Kim. I see you’re worried about what I said the last time, but as I said before, it cannot be help. What I mentioned before…if your feelings towards me are real, and if they become mutual…they would eventually come by along the time…”

I had to restrain myself from ruining the moment by lunging towards her to fold her in a hug. I remembers how badly my heart was strained after the great rejection, but after then, when she finally acknowledged my feelings, I happened to be the happiest man on earth. Aside from exaggerating it, I was beyond delighted. I was certain the utter glee was painted all over my face.

“Then please do call me Sung Gyu, Miss Jung” I said, instead of making any vague commotions. “Then you to, call me Eunji, I would be pleased”

Eunji was four years of my junior, however. And she preferred to use honorifics to carry on comfortable conversations between us.

“Respect” she said that time when she mentioned that one fact to me. “Is something that I firmly follow”

And that was when that I came to follow the eminence of respect myself. I was learning, slowly, changing my life, and, allow me to be frank. It felt so much better than what I used to be.

We met at the Starbucks quite frequently after then, and we sat and talked for hours as though we were acquaintances who had known each other for years. The topics differed at every conversation, from books and novelists to crimes and world affairs, and in order to carry on cooperative conversations, I got myself busied with reading and checking the news broadcast every day. I wanted to be aware for her, I wanted to be conversant. Although I lacked of knowledge that a diplomat would have, I was still a fine bachelor, all well in getting caught up with educational matters very easily. I was a degree holder in medicine anyway, I was well educated in an entirely different field and Jung Eunji, she never failed to acknowledge me in that. I was soon a brilliant pharmacist in her eyes.

Time went along, thus, and something seemed to change within me physically, which I immediately identified as not very pleasant, not very well. There was an unbearable pain in my chest, something burning like a wild fire, I got pneumonia that year during the early winter which held onto me for quite a long while, I was sick and had to lie in bed for so long, giving away the entire company to go under my managing director Nam Woohyun, the winter went on as bad as it could be.

However, things were made so much better for me, for Eunji was constantly by my side.

She wasn’t an ordinary woman no matter how many perceptions I deliberately used to elaborate her personality. She was much, much different than anyone I had ever known. She knew who to be and when to be, she knew exactly what she needed to do t exactly at the right time. Soon she wasn’t just an acquaintance to me; no. Soon, she was everything to me. She was a sister when I wanted a sister by my side, a mother when I had fallen sick for days, a girlfriend (Which she already was, by then doubtlessly) when I needed someone to cease my pains, a friend when we’re having casual conversations, yet, most importantly, she was in control most of the time, and at every point where she needed to be so. I never uttered a word in opposition, though, for in wasn’t anything close to dictatorship, supremacy or domination, no. I had never felt it that way. She was just in control. She was in control of my emotions and hers as well. She would listen to me and follow what I said when she had to and when she was supposed to. Eunji was like that. Bipolar? I wouldn’t say so, for she was a fighter for equality. Otherwise? Yes. Her personality, in my eyes was, well, inexplicable. And that was just fine for me. I didn’t need to know her more than I already did, for she was the same towards me.

Our relationship grew along with occasional dates, dinner outs, library meetings and casual conversations, and whenever she was by me, my poor health conditions never mattered to me. I was physically weak though, even after pneumonia went by, I was tired, weary and suffering in a ceaseless coughing fit, Eunji was concerned all the time. She had flaws too, I had it figured by then. She was so afraid of sicknesses, she was so afraid of losing people and things she held close to her heart,  she was so afraid of doubts left unanswered, and Jung Eunji, she constantly wanted answers for my poor health condition. But I was lacking of time. My days were spent to and fro from Kim Pharmaceutics Co. and Jung Eunji at wherever we met. My days were then better than they were earlier before I had met her, nonetheless. Despite my health, I was happy, I was enjoying my life. And most importantly I was evidently, unconditionally and unconventionally in love. By then, after Christmas that year had come by, I was that so much in love with Jung Eunji. I wasn’t surprised though. It was as if I had seen it coming all my life. I loved her with my heart and soul.

And for me, by then, she wasn’t the classy, noble, intelligent diplomat with a strict, alluring way of speech whom I was initially attracted to; not any longer. She was the simple, ordinary girl that I fell in love with. Eunji had that charm for her. Once one had known her through, she wasn’t what she was anymore. Not a diplomat, but a girl.

Therefore, on that Christmas Eve, I drove away with her to somewhere random. Yes, it was somewhere random where I remembered driving by to attend some business meeting sometime. The weather wasn’t any pleasant from the days prior to then; it was stiff cold, I was sick with a painful chest, a runny nose and all. Eunji had actually tried all her dominant speeches to make me stay at home and rest or to go check with a doctor. I refused and somehow managed to convince her for a little ride outside. I had to promise her that I’d do whatever she would tell me later on. She was so dominant that I had no escape, and by the time that we finally got into my car, she was already making an appointment at the local physician to have me checked of my health condition.

I have no much memory of the entire drive though, I must have been considerably sick at that time that my memory wouldn’t function to recall the moment. I suppose it was a silent ride because she was mad that night because I refused to listen to her orders and drove out in the cold winter instead. I respected her concern, though. I truly did, but if I did not oppose to her that night, all my plans would have gone on waste. I already had something big planned up my sleeve that night, to which Eun Ji was scarcely oblivious. She was like that, my Jung Eunji. She was always aware of what happened in the world around her, current affairs was her general topic and had her mind running on it like a hamster on a wheel; but when it came to what really happened around her, she was starkly oblivious. It helped my plan even more.

The random place of my plans was a, well, random trees that happened to stand in a random spot along the road. I parked the car on a side, cutting through the heavy layers of snow. It was really dark by that time, a dim florescent street light was somewhere close by, so was the moon blatantly visible, its soft silvery light had lightened the area quite leniently, it was extremely cold, we were both shivering, still I decided to step outside. Eunji had almost killed me when I hadn’t tide my scarf well to cover my neck, she almost took off her one to give me more warmth before I stopped her with a glare. She had always complemented me on that, about my eyes. Despite them being extremely small than of an ordinary Korean, she had told me how my looks could blatantly scare her ’’ off. I was surprised how she used that word, even. Maybe she was trying to exaggerate the entire situation by using it. It left me wondering if she was the same during her delegations which I was afraid to ask. She followed my silent order and together we stepped outside.

When she in her breath with a sweet, lovely gasp which was nothing more than a winter miracle in my ears, I knew, I had made the right choice with picking the right place.

It was a brightly lightened tree with fairy lights, there was an entire line of lightened trees but this one was special, it had mistletoe. I didn’t know how I had picked that particular spot, it was a few days earlier before then that I had happened to witness that place on the way to meet with one of our consumers and it already had mistletoe on it. There was a lonely house, much like a cabin or an apartment when I looked through it. Once we were outside, it was visible too. Eunji was speechless, she was staring at it as though it was the most impossible thing to exist, and then at me as though I were insane. It was getting harder for me to stand in the snow, I guess, I don’t exactly remember, but I did somehow had things moving faster at the moment. I took her warm, slender hand in mine, it wasn’t even covered in mittens like mine were, I remembered it for a reason, I slowly led her to the tree and in utter silence, allowing the coldest wind blow through us; we stood there under the mistletoe.

She and I both knew, by then, why exactly we stood under it.

Secluded from the norms of city life, standing under a lonely tree with aurora playing ripples on our skin, I remember, it was the kind of a feeling that I would expect to feel being in an entirely different dimension. It was cold, I was shivering, my chest was paining but all through that, there still was warmth, Eunji’s eyes read them all, a warm gaze that I had seen her giving only to me. Whenever she looks at me with those almond eyes with that distinct warm gaze, I still do feel poles apart, as though I’m the most important person in her life. It’s a miracle, how she still has that effect on me. It has been long since that night but the feeling of it, it still tingles lovingly in my heart. And at that time, it was wholly different to me, it was all fresh and new, like an odd flower blooming in the snowy winter; the very sight of her glimmering under the fairy lights holding the aura of what I would have called a winter angel did nothing good to help the eccentric feeling, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore.

And to top it off, we were under the mistletoe.

When I moved to close the gap between us, initializing it, I remember, Eunji was utterly surprised. Even under the stark cold snow I could witness her cheeks flush crimson which was such a beautiful sight in my eyes, and she laid her hands on my chest, pausing me on where I stood. It was my round to be surprised I suppose, but she was Jung Eunji, the diplomat who took control of everything in my life.

And when she finally ran her hands around my neck, pulling me closer to her, I was surprised out of my skin. I was well aware of how dominant she was, and I loved it that she was, but never had I guessed she could be so even in the romance department, but when she slowly, gently ran her fingers through the on the back of my head, I could swear nothing had ever felt better, it still does make me feel as though I was out of the world, and that moment, provided that I had initially meant to confess, the touch of her fingers was heavenly. Her smile glimmered under the fairy lights and I couldn’t restrain myself anymore. Thus I moved in, ignoring the soft rush of the cold wind, the singing of ‘deck the halls’ from somewhere far far away, and the unbearable pain in my chest, I moved in, I initialized it, because I truly wanted to. That night, after having met six months prior to then, after having loved for even longer, I did it, I claimed Jung Eunji’s lips with mine.

I can still evoke that very moment of our first kiss as clear as crystal. I can swear, even by evoking it, I can still feel the tingling sensation of my lips, for I had never felt any more wonderful than I felt back then. The feather-light touch of our lips connected all the loose ends that we had in our story, bonded them gently and lovingly, brought our feelings and emotions together as one, and at that very moment, I swear we were infinite, we were mutual, and we were both madly in love. Eunji surprised me for the umpteenth time that night, intimately retuning the softest touch of lips. I never thought. ..Well…that she was so good even in that department, and that night she proved to me that she was perfect. There was nothing that she wasn’t good at. Even in kissing. She was brilliant at that. I had no desire to pull away and wish if we could melt in each other’s embrace. Along the passing seconds, well, we had. There wasn’t Sung Gyu and Eunji that night, we weren’t two separate people anymore. There wasn’t you and I. No. there was only us, two persons as one. I could have kissed her the entire night.

But I had a confession to make.

I pulled away from her, gasping for breath and pressed my forehead against her. I had good healthy hair back then, and I was too lazy to gut it off, I loved to style it. Back then, it was soft, straight and golden brown, a fringe fallen over my eyes which she gently pushed away with the icy cold fingertips of hers. I shivered when she touched my skin, which I still remember for this was something that she often did back then. She doesn’t do it much often now. She seldom does it, because she can’t. That’s why I still remember her hands not covered with mittens unlike mine. That same fingertip, she then ran over the bridge of my nose, downwards, and slowly, ever so gently traced the shape of my lips before she claimed them herself with a softest feathery touch before finally pulling away. I can’t remember what exactly I did after then. Let’s just say that I held her in my arm’s length, for that’s what I still do after a long, tempting kiss, I told her what I had been contemplating to tell her for months.

A simple word which could overpower all the badness, immoral, debauched principles in the world, anger, rage, poverty, whatnot; that one word which, as she had once said, could win over the world, I told her that night, allowing my voice to linger over the still winter air.

“I love you…Jung Eun Ji…”

Without another word, she claimed my lips once more.

We held each other close in an embrace after then, I leaned against the bark of the tree for my strength was gradually draining and we shared out thoughts. Not the usual kind of thoughts that we typically shared, no. We whispered sweet nothings in each other’s’ ears.

AT one point I asked her if I had all that she expected in her man. It took her a moment to respond for she took her time to ponder on the situation while I held her against my heart. After a while, she looked up and smiled.

“It’s weird…” was her answer, her infrequent ethereal façade already showing as she spoke. “Sung Gyu oppa…I really don’t know…”

I was disappointed momentarily though. Because I was afraid that all my commitment on changing myself had gone on waste; But when she continued, I wasn’t anymore. I was in glee.

“I had been wrong all the time…and being with you, there’s something I figured out myself…something…not only about you….but about people…”

“Really?” I asked, holding her close. “What would that be?”

I was holding her from the back, we were then sitting on the roots of the tree under the fairy lights, both our hands rested entangled on her stomach. I remembered this for it was how she loved to stay and snuggle in my embrace. She once told me, she’d rather feel the beat of my heart than hearing it. I had to explain her that I was all meaty that she probably won’t feel it, but she insisted on making her point that I had stayed silent, she skilfully justified her point without a ‘raise’ of ‘point of opposition’. She might as well have ‘affected’ my ‘sovereignty’.

“Well…honesty, trust, loyalty, respect, humanity, nobility, passion, commitment, dedication, compassion and…love…I just learned it from you…that they aren’t qualities that we gain from somewhere or learn or gather from something or someone else….how can we? They’re moral principles, right?”

I thought of it before I happened to notice that she would always make this list in that particular order. I was surprised at my new discovery that I laughed and questioned her of it. She laughed in response.

“I don’t purposefully list them out like that! It just happens to come that way…” She retorted and carried on. “But honestly, tell me, did I make a correct point?”

“Granted, delegate” I replied with a smile. “Point of justification?”

Her laughter for me was truly a remedy, it still is, and I knew that it always will be. It would always remind me of myriad diverse things which would elaborate the effect of her laughter one way or the other. At times, for me, it was the hum of water splashing downwards of a waterfall; fresh and cold. At times it’s…melting marshmallow; sweet and warm. At times its bubbles, playful and carefree but the entire time though, it’s the remedy of my life.

“Then tell me…” I asked once she was done laughing ad was leaning against my chest. It burned painfully under her though; I was afraid I would die, and what made it worse was I never knew what the reason was. I never believed it to be anything bad. But the pain scared me.

“Tell me, Jung Eun Ji…what did you learn?”

“I learned that it comes from within oneself. They’re always there inside a person, those elements, they come with a person…all the time, but they need something…someone to pull them out to the surface and polish them until it shined…”

“Oh…” I said, holding her tight. “Like gold….and diamonds, and jewels…gather it from dirt, pull them out and polish them and they shine…they are the most valuable of all…”

“Exactly” She said in agreement. “And that’s what you did…you’re such a wonderful person…Kim Sung Gyu…very wonderful indeed. You found them yourself, you gathered them and polished them, now you shine on your own…like a diamond. And that’s what makes you all the more precious to me, because you did all that to win my heart…”

I smiled, and every time, even now and whenever I think of what she said, it makes my heart swell with happiness and bliss. The truth is, even now, writing to you this story of us, I’m here smiling like a jerk. Not that I really care though, but the very feeling it gives me just by thinking about her words is indescribable. Every time I think of it, a flower blooms in my heart.

“Have I won your heart then…Eun Ji…?” I asked her, already knowing the answer. Maybe I needed clarification.

And that was exactly what she gave me. She took my hand, moved it upwards and placed it close above her heart. “You have…” She said, her fingers drawing misshaped patterns on my skin. “You won my heart quite a while ago Sung Gyu…and now, it’s all yours….I love you”

Then I kissed her again.

All was well that night, all was perfect. We were nearing Christmas, just mere hours apart, and since my mother wanted me and Eunji to be there at our family’s Christmas Eve dinner, we finally extricated ourselves from hanging around under the root of the mistletoe-ed tree, brushed off the freckles of snow and got back onto the road to return home, driveling sweet nothings and holding hands all through the ride.

Or, I’d rather say, halfway through the ride.

I did say that all was well, truly, I did. Even I thought so that time, momentarily, that all was well. I truly did, and I truly wished so, because that was the night that I confessed, the night we shared our first kiss, the night we made each other aware of the mutual sentiments we had, but fate is a cruel thing, I tell you. Fate is never fair, fate hurts you in myriad ways, fate…well, at times, it destroys the happiness that we have.

And that was what exactly happened to us on the way that night. No. we didn’t crash our car or anything; god forbid, no. It wasn’t any similar to that, but bad enough to kill the blissful happiness we had. It did, it killed the happiness that Eunji and I shared.

For it was that night, that fateful, hurtful night that I, Kim Sung Gyu happened to choke out blood on to the clear white snow on the road. I vomited blood, the first shot of blood I released all for the brutal pain in my chest, and I knew, just then, with the fine knowledge of medical studies I had, that my fate held something ever so brutal in the store for me.

It was on that very night that I was diagnosed of a cancer in my lungs.

Umm, hi? It's me again. I hope this chappy isn't too long, and I hope I've included all the bubbly bubbly and smiley smiley GyuJi moments which would give you the need of insulin shots :D I hope you like it!

There can be several mistakes, don't mind  that. :) I tried my best.^^

muchlovegyuji, Reen89, ah...well, my english, I think i'm improving. I'm Sri Lankan, and english is the third language here so we do have quite a few problebs regarding language abilities, so yeah...maybe we can forger I even said that. :) But I LOVE it that you left me comments! and omo! muchlovegyuji, you made me so happy! *gives you strawberries* kristty, I hope you enjoyed.

commenting and subscribing is all up to you!

Yours truly,

Achini.

Ps; Who's excited for 'This is infinite'? ME!

Oh...that moment...that smile....get married you two!!