The reason why I was afraid to go ahead with marriage was probably because I was afraid of having our relationship changed along with it, maybe I was afraid to be so close to her in every possible way, maybe I was afraid to cause any more trouble, maybe there was an unknown reason roaming in my mind, holding a steadfast grip on me to stop myself from going into marriage; either way, my mind took a drastic change after we had gone into marriage, my idea on marriage changed completely, and slowly became a significant part of my life.

She never asked me to marry her that night, however, she prompted me to ask her myself, which left me pondering on the situation the entire night. I was passive in admitting things, I wasn’t the most receptive person out there although I was capable of gathering courage to ask her out. I was never sure if I’d do it right, asking her to marry me I mean, in a memorable way that she would never forget it. I wanted it to be perfect, and this very thought took a good proportion of my sleep of two days, fidgeting nervously with my mind meddling on plans. On the third day, nonetheless, I went out to buy a ring.

Eunji was quite selective, she despised investing money on things that can’t be taken into general use, she despised it if a big amount of money was not put into a good cause which wouldn’t only serve one self but many, and therefore I was careful enough myself to purchase the best for the lowest price. What I ended up with was something simple, low priced and ordinary, something which elucidated her well, something she would accept without hesitation.

It wasn’t that Eunji was picky even in accepting gifts from others, she wasn’t, in fact, she had an entirely different perception in this particular phenomena of giving presents.

“When giving another a present” She said after I had given her a novel she had always wanted for valentines. “As long as the person gives it to the other with true, genuine feelings, it’s a gift, because he gives it with a part of his heart…therefore the other should always accept it no matter what, with a smile. It’s not good to reject a part of one’s heart”

And I believed that even if the ring wasn’t expensive, even if it didn’t have diamonds and sapphires and rubies on it, I was certain, she’d accept it with a smile and moisture in her eyes.

It was a week later in that very season of spring that I finally had the courage to ask her. The sky was clear and pastel blue, sun shining briskly beating on the window panes, the streets weren’t crowded and my clingy neighbour was just passing by in all black with an umbrella in his hands, he gave me a smile before I nervously slipped into the Starbucks to find it all empty, I was glad that it was.

In all honesty, although I had called her out for a breakfast date, I had no plans in asking her the real deal. Despite being a man, a CEO of a large scale business for that matter, I was nervous, I was out of breath, I remember how I couldn’t even sit and wait until she arrived, my eyes darting towards the door every time it jingled open, and when she finally arrived, I had no strength left in me, what I hoped to be that very moment was a melted puddle on the floor.

She was in a neat black suit that day, her hair tied into a bun, her bangs, just as always, moulded neatly on her forehead with a smile as bright as sunshine painted on her impeccable features. She said that she was on the way to a foreign delegation but she could still spare a few hours for me; I could only manage a nod and smile awkwardly in response. The breakfast wasn’t awkward though, she managed to keep the atmosphere ethereal as always, entertaining me with all her stories which I loved to hear in her honey-le tone. However, I still remember it, I had barely touched my food.

Once she noticed my tension, however, she stopped on her own meal and looked deep into my eyes with utter concern. “Oppa…are you okay? You seem tensed…”

I don’t remember what exactly I told her that moment though, my tension must have been too much that the momentary memories had disappeared, but I can swear I stuttered when I replied. I might be open, but, like said, I was passive in many traits, and I’m certain I was extremely passive in being receptive.

But in the end, I finally gathered my courage, and my memory functions only from the point where I put my hand on my pocket, pulling it out, that what I’ve been waiting to let her know.

The sun was the brightest, the entire place scented of coffee and cocoa, there was the ceaseless clutter of utensils and the sound of lowly murmurs of the crowd, all through this, I gathered my courage thus I stood up with the caramel brown velvet box in my hand and finally got down on one knee right before her, my eyes must have every one of my innocent desires that hers shined in perpetual diligence as I snapped open the box to reveal the ring I bought for her.

“I know this is a selfish request…Eunji, I know that this is too early for both of us, but time doesn’t wait for us to decide, time has decided itself, and I don’t have long before I win or lose this battle….” I kept one hand on where I was sick inside. “And to fight this battle, I need a warrior, a brave, strong, courageous warrior because I can’t fight this battle alone…and you asked me to ask you to be just that…..I questioned myself million times if it was the right thing, and finally I knew that it was….”
There was a soft breeze beating gently on my exposed skin, the clutter of the utensils had stopped, so had the murmur of the crowd; instead I felt many diverse eyes focused on me. I went on. “Jung Eunji…allow me to ask you now….Will you marry me? Will you be my wife?”

Before even I could register what was happening, Eunji had slipped down off her own seat and was kneeling right before me, her hands covering her face, moisture clouding her eyes. I don’t remember whether I said anything afterwards or what I did, the next thing I remember is holding her in my arms, her uttering “I will, I will” ceaselessly in my ear, as we both kneeled on the floor without giving a darn on whatever the others were thinking; it took us a moment to realize that we were being watched, recorded even, by the corner of my eyes I saw my clingy neighbour Myung Soo giving me an impeccable smile, his camera in his hands. All was good, all was well, and all before everyone’s eyes, I took her hand, slipped on the ring I bought for her, gathered her in my embrace and devoured her in a kiss so sweet and long. That morning in a bright spring day marked the moment that we vowed to share one life together as one.

Eunji despised pricy dinners and family gatherings, she’d rather pick a dinner with the homeless in the subway over a dinner with colleagues, business partners and friends; however, on the night of our engagement, she managed to keep her façade all friendly, the smile never left her face. It was after a week of preparation that we held the engagement dinner at my family mansion. Well, I was a chaebol, which couldn’t be helped no matter what I had become, and an exorbitant, aristocratic and elegant dinner for friends and relatives was all too necessary and inevitable, and Eunji, without a word, agreed to go with it. It wasn’t that prestigious, for I wanted it to be as simple as possible to serve her fairly, the invitees weren’t many, the decorations were light, the dinner was ordinary and the atmosphere was congenial. I wanted it to be a memory that she would never forget; even if I left this life somewhere in the middle, I wanted her to have memories to evoke, our engagement being one of them.

And well, my mother, she was still unbelieving that I had gone ahead with marriage that so soon. Although I was twenty eight at that time, she still considered me her little boy who rode tricycles in the lawn, I had to spend a good proportion of my time, trying to elucidate to her the fact that I had to grow up as a moral factor. She still wouldn’t believe so, instead she threw both her hands around my neck and began to cry. But still she was happy, because it was Jung Eunji that I was marrying, my mother was happy beyond words and insisted that I hold an elegant engagement dinner to break the good news to all the relatives, and she also believed that I, the CEO of Kim pharmaceuticals Co. shouldn’t fly solo anymore.

However, that night after the dinner had ended I had happened to fall unconscious before my mother’s very eyes, I had been carried off to the hospital that instant, only to have my mother and my sister made aware of the cancer I had. The truth was, I had had champagne that night although Eunji insisted that I don’t. I had told her that once for that night was fine and that won’t kill me; however the littlest amount of alcohol got me bad, my physique reacted immediately, giving everything away.

My sister and my mother kept me at our family home for a week, they didn’t cease crying since then.

Still, even now, the guilt of getting myself sick killed me thousand million times inside. It wasn’t only me who was suffering, I had made my mother suffer, so as my sister, and then there was Eunji suffering even more. I cursed myself for getting sick even while having so many people grieving for my pain.

And I was even guiltier that I ruined the engagement night, about which she didn’t utter a word as I lied in the hospital bed, all she did was reassuring me that everything was fine, she held my hand the entire night, and I happened to wake up the next morning only to find her half asleep with her head lying on the covers beside me, her hand was still entangled with mine. And that was the moment that it really dawned on me, when she promised to marry me, she had promised to dedicate her entire life for the sick man that I was. I held her close in my arms once she woke up and told her just how much I loved her, all she said in return was; “You’re my life”. That was enough to get me tough and strong, I returned home later that day, stayed with my mother the entire week, stayed away from any alcoholic beverage and even coffee, for Eunji’s sake I devoted my life to fight the cancer I had killing me inside.

We took an entire month to plan the wedding, which she wanted to be simple, while I wanted it to be memorable; I wanted to give her as many as beautiful memories to cherish before I die. It wasn’t any fun though to either of us, for us both weren’t very much into event planning. Once we both got bored with selecting venues we went ahead with having it outdoors, preferably at our massive lawn which was big enough to hold a several canopies and hundred guests. My sister and my mother offered to help us with the rest to do with the venue which left us with finances and cloths.

I wanted Eunji to be dressed elegant, but simple, which was a hard choice for her. She took an entire day off from work and went out with her mother to pick dresses to match her taste and mine while I got mine done from my usual place. The invitations were sent out two weeks prior to the ceremony, and she added one special feature on the food menu. We offered no alcoholic beverage for the day. That was her way of publicizing her slogan among others wordlessly, ‘Say no to cancer’ and she did that by disallowing alcohol on our wedding day. That was my Eunji, she loved to have things done in her way as long as it was beneficial for everyone else as well.

Weeks went by with wedding preparations and my appointments at the hospital, and those few days taught me of the phenomena of impermanency. The radiation and chemotherapy destroyed me while the cancer destroyed me more; I became weaker and weaker, I was physically weak, exhausted, appearance dishevelled; I wasn’t the handsome Kim Sung Gyu anymore. My hair began to fall, I grew skinnier and my once healthy skin became dry and pale, nothing about me was physically well, but Jung Eunji, somehow, kept my mentality well. Thanks to her, despite all that I lost, I still stood strong. For her, my appearance didn’t matter, my weakness concerned her; still she kept me strong. She wanted me to follow the norms no matter what, never to feign ignorance on my treatments, but spend a normal life like I always did before the cancer was diagnosed and be happy and strong. And that happiness she gave me was what which kept me strong, even up to this point where I’m sitting here, writing this story to you, it was Eunji and the happiness she gave me, the smiles she put on my face, the warmth she gave my heart that kept me up on my feet.

I presume that that is what someone like me, taking cancer patients in general, needs during their hardest times. Cancer can be cured, but if the mentality is even more oppressed by the sickness, for the patient, there will be no turning back. I’m thankful for Eunji in every possible way for that aspect. She kept me strong when I was the weakest, she kept me smiling when it was the hardest thing to do, she gave me warmth, and then hope; My Eunji, she kept me alive.

Our wedding was an extravagant event which was held somewhere in the early summer. The lawn was decorated of Lillis and white tulips, the entire area scented of the sweetest scent of the blossoms, a band played slow music somewhere in a corner, the seats were occupied and was bustling with crowd, there was a fondant cake kept in a corner where they offered cold Ginseng punch instead of Champagne, a wedding gift from Myung Soo’s ‘friend’ Sung Yeol who owned a bakery, and near the isle was my mother and my sister with her son, there were tears in my mother’s eyes.

Thinking back to that very moment, even now, it would still and only seem to me to be so surreal, for, after I was diagnosed of cancer, I never thought that marriage will come on my way. All I saw was death, and it hauling me away pretty soon; even then and now, it was a miracle for me that I lived longer to experience that one wonderful phenomena of marriage, and I’m utterly grateful that god truly gave me a chance in life to actually experience it before I die.

Eunji was the most beautiful angel, I swear, that I had ever seen in my life. It wasn’t solely because she was so drop-dead gorgeous in a simple white dress, no. Because at that very moment when she walked towards me down the aisle, hands enlaced with her stepfather, whom I saw wasn’t only my girlfriend, wasn’t only my wife to be. No, whom I saw then was my saviour, the girl who would soon promise to cherish me, love me, and devote her entire life for me until death would do us apart. Whom I saw was my guardian angel, and believe me, for a dying man, being able to marry a girl so strong was enough inspiration to live another hundred years to grow old together and die in peace.

I took her hand and held it tightly once she took her place by my side; there was a faint breeze in the lawn that day, since it was in the early summer, the ambiance was moist, and the sweetest vanilla scent of her filled my lungs with every breath, the smile never wavered on her features as we held on to each other so close. The crowd behind us watched the ceremony with expectant eyes; my mother on the other hand was making fountains with her happy tears, her sobs were so clearly heard but that didn’t break my heart. She was only too happy and excited that god gave me the miraculous chance to get married before I died.

Soon we said our vows, the promises to love and cherish each other, to make each other’s lives wonderful, to treat each other with love and affection and be parents to our children, and once it was said we exchanged rings, I raised her veil and kissed on her forehead the longest and smiled. The smile she gave in return gave me hope that our bond would last even longer, and gave me the strength to live hundred more years to cherish her and shower her with love and affection just as I had promised by the vow. Thus the confetti showered from above us, I took her hand and so we walked back down the aisle, at that moment we weren’t the loving couple we used to be. We were husband and wife, we were family, we were mutual, we were infinite and nothing else mattered. Jung Eunji became Kim Eunji and our fairy-tale started an all new chapter in life.

Eunji wanted to spend our two weeks of honeymoon in a more productive way, and her idea of productiveness was, well, more likely to be humanitarian, which certainly was, and those two weeks, she decided to spend not in luxurious hotels and beach resorts but in refugee camps, orphanages and hospitals in countries who had gone through disaster; thus we flew around Asia, spending our time for humanity, for every bit of her screamed humanity and the two weeks we spent for it had it slowly sinking into me. We went to the Philippines and treated the earthquake victims, we flew to Indonesia, we flew to India and visited the Tamils suffering in Tamilnadu and victims in Chennai, we visited Sri Lanka and the homeless people in the north, all through this, however, we found our moments to sit on our love, watch the sunset, sitting on beaches with the waves kissing our feet. Those two weeks kept me alive than any other time of my life and what made it even more wonderful was that in each of these countries I happened to learn something new; About life, about change, about hopes and wishes, I learned the meaning of what they held behind a smile, the meaning of every tear and laughter; I learned the complications of being poor, of being victims, of being women and of being human. When I returned to Korea, then, I was an all-new person who had seen the world in an all new light, and I’m ever so grateful for Eunji who showed me the world and the factors I had definitely overlooked in the past. And also for settling me ways to go through my weekly tests even while being in foreign countries. The thought moved me, for, no matter what, Eunji never took the risk of me skipping any of my hospital treatments.

Once Eunji moved into my lonely penthouse, then, as my soulful wife, I happened to learn what made a house a home. The feeling was wonderful to have lady existence lingering in the household and it was not only because she was a perfectionist who always kept the house clean or because her cooking was heaven (Which were plus points in marrying her) but because she kept the entire place lively; hearing her voice echoing inside was marvellous enough to have me breathing the sparkling air in a house where a family lived.

And I gradually began to learn what the term ‘marriage’ truly meant.

Eunji was an early riser which I was not, I was on the other side of the spectrum in this particular trait, however, she happened to put sense into me that I need to wake up early and go to sleep early; still she didn’t stop me from watching my late night sitcom drama. She’d sit and watch it with me, we’d laugh along and would fall asleep in each other’s arms but waking up early the next day; no matter how much of a nightmare it was, waking up early was highly essential. She never let me skip breakfast but, despite all the work she had, she’d cook me a proper, Korean breakfast. I began to help her out in the culinary department. Not to mention, although my cooking wasn’t as good as hers I was quite well in that.And just how an ordinary couple would do, we drove to work together, I’d drop her off at her workplace and kiss her good bye before I drove to mine. All through this, however, never did we skip our usual Starbucks date; while everybody else had lunch we had pastries and coffee at Starbucks, chatting away like old times as though we couldn’t make through the day without it.

“Marriage shouldn’t change what we really are, oppa” She told me when I had asked if the Starbucks dates were bothering her. “Married or not, we’re still the very same people who met here months ago, so our dates here shouldn’t at all stop.”

Like I said, I wasn’t the good looking, handsome Kim Sung Gyu anymore. I was bolding, slowly due to the radiation treatment, my hair which was once thick and healthy was as fragile as petals, I lost weight, became skinnier and was weary and exhausted, coughing  became a norm for me but I was still fighting, Eunji was still being a great big pillar to keep me strong. My appearance worried me, for she was still young and beautiful (Inside out) and she constantly had dinner nights and conference dinners where she’d gleefully take me along and introduce me to everyone (Proudly) as her husband. I didn’t at all look like somebody’s husband for that matter. I was all in all a weary old man, so I asked her whether she still wanted to show me off to everyone since I had nothing much to show. She scolded me for being delusional. Well, the truth is, I saw nothing delusional about it, but as always, she never failed to surprise me.

“Oppa, I’m proud of you. You’re a wonderful man and I’m introducing you to every one of my colleagues with all that pride because you’re my husband, my husband who’s fighting cancer while still standing strong…isn’t that enough of a reason to have you known?”

Then I realized, she never referred to me as a cancer patient, she never evaded having to tell everyone of my situation; instead, she’d always refer to me as a fighter, a successful businessman who’s happily married and happily spending his life although he’s fighting cancer, which is the truth, but she never mentioned the part where she kept me strong. What she had told me was that no matter how much she tried, if I wasn’t willing to give in, if I wasn’t willing to believe her, if I wasn’t willing to believe that I’d win, there would be nothing to change. But because I gave into it, because I believed her, because I believed that I would win this fight I was standing strong as the person I was now. She said that it wasn’t only her who kept me up on my feet, not only myself either but us, together, and that it was because of that that we’re winning this battle for life. That changed my ideology completely, thus I decided to willingly attend her occasions together, and seeing the gleam of pride and content in her eyes, I was proud, I was happy, for I had the most wonderful partner for life, the most diligent wife and I was certain that only that factor was enough of motivation to carry on my endless battle for life.

It was the happiness, I must say, which helped me most to keep going on. Marriage made me an entirely different entity, an all-new person who went through a drastic change in life. I was certain, if she didn’t change me, if she didn’t change my life, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be alive but would be tiny particles of ashes dissolving into this air. If so, what would have been the meaning of my life? Of all I had? What good would have it done to me, to all whom I loved, to the realm entirely? She taught to me that every single person on earth is important, for there’s only one of each of them, thus this life, I should protect with all I had. She helped me protect it, she helped me cherish it, and that was how Eunji taught me the real meaning of marriage, of life.

Marriage, as now I would recall it, wasn’t only a bond made legally by signs and papers, no, it should never be, marriage is a bond which keeps two beings together in every possible way, a pledge which makes to lives one, marriage is the true meaning of life. Love, I must say, is a trick which god plays on us to bring marriage into life, and it works only once to last a lifetime. There’s no first love or second love or last love; there is only one love, and that would be that phenomena which leads two beings, two souls into that one wonderful bond called marriage, where the two souls spends life as one which lasts an eternity, and what keeps the bond strong is affection, understanding, honesty, loyalty, respect and love….I could have laughed at this thought, truly, for never had I realized that Eunji was leading us, all from the beginning to marriage, for all the qualities I  was asked were qualities I realized we should share in marriage more than in a mere relationship. Despite the, well, physical connection, maybe Eunji and I were married all along. Maybe that was why I was always happy after she had entered my life, maybe that was what which kept me going all along, and maybe we have shared our lives as one all along.

Three years had gone by until the day that I’m here, sitting and writing the story of us with ups and downs, tears and laughter, good and hard times between us. During three years, so many things happened in our lives which only made us stronger and stronger until this point where I am now as a man who had fought for something so so precious, and I would proudly say, yes. I had won.

The reason why I chose this moment where three years had passed by ever since Eunji and I had begun our journey together is that we had now arrived a significant point in this voyage of life. Life is beautiful, I must say, as long as we, ourselves bring happiness into it on our own will, on our own commitment, and that is where Eunji and I stand now, the point where our commitments bloomed in sheer reality, the point where we had won a battle that we had brought along together standing as one.

Today, this very day where I’m sitting in my room, evoking the wonderful journey we came through our lives marks two significant events of our lives, two major stops of our journey, two marvels which would paint our souls eternally, which had come along in our lives with all the commitments and dedication we have made.

Yes, today marks the final chemotherapy of my cancer where I was diagnosed to be free of it, I have survived, I have won the battle for my life, I have won for the sake of all the commitment that we put into this together, for Eunji, for my parents, my family, my friends, my employees, and well, yes, for my child.

The next significant event in our lives? Yes, today, Eunji and I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl, believe me, she’s so beautiful indeed. Eunji and I named her Yeo Reum because she’s a summer child, well, unlike Eunji and me.

Our story, it doesn’t end here although I chose this moment to recall it, years will pass by and we will be the same beautiful family that we started off as, I was certain of that. Eunji and  will be happy like we always were and we always are, our little girl will be happy and will be even happier when she’d have siblings coming along (After I saw the baby girl just this morning, seeing just how wonderful she is, I can’t help but plan for more), cancer won’t get me again, I will fight for my life and live the longest that I can for my wife and my child, moreover I will be a part of Eunji, a part of my girl; Eunji would be the same in return. What’s hers is mine, what’s mine is hers, that’s how we’ve come so far, that will be how we will go on the rest. My business will be hers too, her diplomacy will be mine too, we will help each other in all the possible ways we could. Mutual understanding, mutual respect, mutual feelings, which was what which made Kim Eunji and I.

This is to you, Kim Eunji, my dearest, this is to you from me, your husband, with never ending, unwavering and unconditional love.