Tao remembered what it's like to watch people backs slowly fade into the distance, He remembers the sight of Kris walking away, he remembers his brother do the same thing. He watched him run into the into the blackness, the cold toying with his conscience. Though his brothers and Kris' backs looked slightly different. Kris walked away without the slightest slump in his shoulders, no fast paced attempt to escape the scene unfolding behind him. Kris didn't care, Tao knew he never did. 

God he was pathetic. Though he cant help but wonder what Kris is thinking right now, as Tao for the first time, is the one to walk away. He decided to skip the rest of the school day, wondering the streets of his home town. Streets that created the failure that he is today, streets that are home to all the memories he wants destroyed, home to the times in which he wants to return to. Home to the people who created the monster that he has became. 

"Tao!" he heard his name called from a breathless voice "TAO!  for god sake, are you Deaf?" Kai yelled hands resting on his knees, as Tao finally turned to face him. 

"Whats up?" Tao absently replies. Kai continued to studies  the boy in front of him, empty eyes blankly searching the unoccupied space behind him. 

"Whats up with you?"  Kai asked slightly worried, Tao hasn't been like this for a while, he remembers the last time the older boy spaced out like this. Back when he wouldn't sleep for nights on end because of the nightmares that tormented his nights. The boy would sit, alone on the front seats of their home and then hardly speak to anyone for days at a time, and when he did it was only ever one or two word answers. "Seriously Tao school ended three hours ago, and you didn't come home. Kyungsoo has been freaking out. You should have called or text or something"

Tao looked at is watch, eyebrows furrowed at the missing time, He looked back up to Kai with a confused look, "sorry?" 

Kai just sighed, not completely sure how to respond to Tao's feigned apology. "Whatever lets just go home, KyungSoo can be the one to scold  you, I honesty cant be bothered." Tao cringed at the mention of his impending fate, Kyungsoo was scary when he was angry. 

Tao knows that his and Kai's relationship is slightly unorthodox, seeing as Kai's is younger, yet acts like a father to the elder. Ever since Tao refused to return home about a year ago, after his parents decided to divorce. He couldn't stand either of them anymore, or maybe it was the guilt of knowing he was the reason they fought so much and after moving schools and meeting Kai. He somehow ending up an "Adopted" family member of Kai and Kyungsoo's slightly unconventional household. Though he felt more at home there, then anywhere hes ever found himself. 

As they worked their way back to the small apartment they called home, there was no necessary small talk about the Tao was glad Kai didn't ask him questions about the way hes acting. So he spends the time bracing himself for the wrath of Kyungsoo. The walk was long and slightly unnerving, a result of the tension between the two boys, Tao sometimes wonders what Kai and Kyungsoo think of his past, they always tell him that none of it his fault, that he cant change anything, that maybe he should just get on with life. Cause maybe one day things will get better. Tao doesn't believe it though. 

When they do arrive home its unusually quiet, Kyungsoo left a fully cooked meal steaming on the table with a note, explaining his absence. Apparently work was incredibly busy and he was the only person available. Both Tao and Kai  knew it was a lie. Tao decided not to comment though, knowing Kai would only bite his head off, the said boy was fuming. Pure anger could be felt radiating off him. Slumping down in one of the harden wooden chairs, Tao sighed, beginning to eat the meal left for him.One of these days Kyungsoo was going to push Kai to far, he could see it happening right now. Kai would leave, just like everyone else, leave Tao and leave Kyungsoo. The eldest would be distraught without Kai. On second thought Tao doesn't want to imagine what that would be like. He just wants to sleep, for a very, very long time, and forget everything just for a while. So they sat, and eat in silence, Tao fighting of the sickening feeling of losing another and Kai battling with what felt like an entire lifetime of Jealousy and anger threatening to consume him. 

Tao always wondered what it would be like if he was completely broken, the last pieces of himself were always loosely hanging. If they were to disintegrate into nothingness, what would he become? What would people remember of him? would any of then even bother to remember, to maybe mourn for him? even for just a small period time?  Tao has nothing, nothing to show for himself and this feeling is bitting at him from the back of his mind, his skin is tingling and a familiar feeling in his chest is rising. Though he continues to eat the food in front of him. 

"Tao is okay, you can stop" He hears Kai voice from across the table. Sweat is dripping from his neck, and his hands are starting to shake. He can hear the sound of his own restricted breathing, the whimpering sounds forming in the back of his throat, muffled cries for help. He just cant opening his mouth. Cant let them escape. "Tao. Tao, Breathe okay. Please just Breathe". 

Kai has witnessed plenty of Tao's panic attacks, knowing theres not a lot he can do  other then try to calm the elder, Tao's pain was his pain, it was like watching his own flesh and blood suffer, he hated when Tao went into these states of mind. The ones he knew would threatened the elder's survival once he regained his conscious mind. He was now kneeling by the other side, clasping his hands in his own, "Calm down , your safe here" He attempted to console the other, knowing its useless, "Breathe, Tao. Just breathe, long deep breaths okay." 

Tao could feel Kai's warmth next to him, he began to slowly creep away from the other boy, not wanting to touch him, not wanting to taint him with his own bitterness. His own filth, but Kai wouldn't accept his silent fight against the heat attempt to console him. Tao kept shaking, attempting to resent the blackness, maybe he should just give in? Maybe this will be how he survives from now on? The cold bitter black of the back of his mind. 

Tao likes the word nothing, he feels as if he has nothing, not in a physical sense, but rather a mental and emotional way. He feels as if he has nothing. Somehow to him, this is a comfort. It's a comfort to finally find the words to describe the way he feels, even if they don't make sense in the slightest.  It's still a comfort. In the end, He really does have nothing, so he supposes it suits well. 

He is nothing. Just like this darkness that has consumed the space behind his eyes. The panic he feels starts to rise. So does the volume of the screams he can hear in the distance. So does the pain in his body, the burning on his skin, his arms and neck feel like their been torn apart. His throat is dry, and constricting against his voice. However he keeps yelling, screaming for someone to save him, for Kris to same him. For Kris to come back, stop all this pain. Stop the burning, the tears. Stop all of it.

And it does stop. The pain starts to fade, and the darkness devours all of him. 

Hes gone. 

A/N: Sorry for any spelling or grammer mistakes. I played three games of soccor today, and im not wearing my glasses, my head in currently dying. Sorry all