Not Too Late

 

Inspiration from:

Gone- Kina Granis

 

 

 

 

Day 134 – Present Day

 

 

The room is still dark and the digital clock on the bed side table reads 5:00 AM. It is autumn and it’s undeniably cold. The space on the other side of the bed is empty and the warmth that always emanated in the mornings is not there.

 

It’s been 134 days. 134 days of waking up alone, of waking up to emptiness and absence of her. Mornings used to be when we wake up earlier than our alarm clock and cuddle before it rings. Mornings used to be when she gets up before me to prepare breakfast. Mornings used to be happy. Not this.

 

I opt not to open my eyes for a few minutes. I just want to remember the happy memories first before going through the day with my broken heart. I stand, not looking at the bed. I refuse to stare at it because it reminds me that I am now all alone.

 

I prepare a table for one, I cook breakfast for one and I go about my morning routines by myself. This is stupid. I tried; God knows I tried moving on. But I couldn’t. It was my decision but how come I feel this way?

 

I can still remember her eyes that night. How could I forget that? Though they were pretty, they were also filled with agony, agony brought to her by no one but me.

 

 

 

 

Day 0

 

 

“Stop being silly, Taeyeon.” She said, throwing her tired body onto the couch. She closed her eyes as she pinched her sinus. I knew she was tired but I didn’t know when to say what I was supposed to say.

She was barely home anyways. After deciding to enlist herself into the South Korean Naval forces, she only gets home twice in five months, worse: once.

 

I appreciate the effort she gives whenever she’s home. She sees to it that we’ll have a date at least twice before she gets back. She uses the time when I am at work to rest and when I arrive home, we do everything we always do way back we were younger.

 

When she’s out there in the vast waters, she’d always find a way for her to talk to me. Sometimes we skype until one falls asleep, sometimes we chat on Facebook when she’s not available for the former.

 

That’s what I love about Chief Petty Officer Stephanie Hwang. Her determination to make us work is undeniable. Though she loves her country too much, she loves me harder.

 

But everyone, at some point, will have doubts, worries and uncertainties. Every time she gets deployed, I get worried that something might happen to her. I get worried that she might go back to me saying she met someone else. I get so lonely because I miss her so much. I miss her and I don’t think she realized that.

 

I want her home more often. I want her to stop doing her job just so we can be together. I’ve been on it for months but all she did was ignore me. We’ve been fighting about our differences lately. But I always end up accepting everything and cry the whole night.

 

I love her too, but I don’t think I could go on with this.

 

I once told her to break up because I couldn’t take the distance and time anymore. But she told me to wait, to endure a little longer. But tonight I couldn’t. “I am serious. I want you to stop. You’re an engineer, and a good one. Companies will fight for you or if you prefer to work for Korea, you can still apply for positions in the government.”

 

She snapped her eyes open and looked at me questioningly. “What?”

 

I didn’t speak. I stared back at her instead.

 

“You know I couldn’t do that.” She said acidly.

 

“Why?”

 

“Taeyeon, this is my job.”

 

I scoffed. “I am your girlfriend.”

 

“Are we going to argue about this again? Because honestly, I am getting tired of reassuring you, of proving myself to you.”

 

That actually hurt. It was the first time she ever told me that. She was always patient and understanding. Maybe this was what inevitable means. “You’re tired?” My voice cracked. “And you think I am not? You think waiting for you to come back, worrying about you all the time is easy?!”

 

Tiffany’s shoulders slackened like her energy was drained. “Taeyeon-ah, please, stop doing this.” She pleaded and her eyes were as teary as mine.

 

“Then stop doing this to me too!” I pushed her away. “I want you here.” I cried.

 

“I love you. I want us to work but please not this way. Please wait a little longer.”

 

I looked away. “Until when? I need to know until when because waiting for something that might never happen at all is unnerving and tiring.”

 

She couldn’t speak. And it broke my heart that she couldn’t tell me an exact date.

 

“I can’t do this anymore.” I muttered. And I noticed her tensing up.

 

“Don’t you love me?”

 

It was my turn to be speechless. “…”

 

“Tae.”

 

“I don’t think this will work. We’re just hurting each other unnecessarily.” I said, hugging myself.

 

“What do you mean?” She sobbed and I couldn’t see her hurting like that. Her eyes were twinkling but not because of happiness, but of tears.

 

“I’m sorry.” I collapsed on the couch and she hugged me. I cried harder because her embrace didn’t give me the assurance and comfort I wanted. She whispered those three words and kissed my hair before taking her leave. We’re done.

 

 

Day 3

 

 

I woke up with a throbbing head. I was alone at home and our room was a mess. The past days have been the worst of my life. I drowned myself in tears and a bit of alcohol just to appease my broken heart.

 

She never called. She never texted. And she never came back. Was she really gone? I picked up my phone and the first thing that came to my mind was to call her. I need to hear her voice. I need her.

 

“Hello?” Her lilting voice welcomed my yearning ears.

 

“Hey.” I said, covering my mouth. I started welling up again.

 

“Hey.” She replied and there was bitterness in there.

 

“I miss you.” I sobbed.

 

There was silence on the other line. All I can hear was her heavy breathing and my heart breaking. “Have you been drinking?”

 

I ran my hand on my hair as I closed my eyes. Never thought it was the aftermath that hurt the most. “…”

 

“Look, I really have to go.” She suddenly said. “I’d be deploying.”

 

“What?” I sounded desperate. “Isn’t it until next week?”

 

“That’s what I wanted to tell you three days ago but you broke up with me so, it’s irrelevant.”

 

I then threw my phone away. I could hear its pieces shatter on the floor but I didn’t care. We’re finally over. There was nothing left.

 

 

Day 170 – Present Day

 

 

“Unnie!” My friend snaps me out of my daze. I’ve been zoning out again. I don’t know for how long but it sure made Yoona more concerned about me.

 

“Yeah?” I say nonchalantly. I gather myself together with a blow.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to take that vacation? Sooyoung unnie and I will take care of the studio.” She answers gently. “Our customers were also not that happy with the results of their photo shoots.”

 

“I am sure.” Ignoring her, I spin my swivel chair away from her intense stare.

 

“But unnie-”

 

“Yoona.” I say with potency. But I can still feel her eyes on me. “Okay. I’ll leave the shoots with you but please don’t kick me out of my studio?”

 

She laughs heartily. I envy that. I realize, I haven’t laughed that way since Tiffany left or since I pushed her away. Either way, I ended up here. “Okay, unnie.”

 

I am ready to resume my day dreaming when she clears . “Talk to me, or to anyone unnie. I am sure that’ll help lessen the luggage.” She suggests.

 

I look back at her. I bite my lower lip. “I don’t know, Yoona.”

 

“Never had a word with her since?”

 

I shake my head. We really let go of each other. Both of us left with nothing to at least hold onto.

 

“Why not try contacting her again?”

 

“She’s deployed.”

 

“That didn’t stop you before.” She casually remarks.

 

“That was before.”

 

“You broke up. You called, she said she’s going to the ship, you broke your phone.” She frowns at me. “And that’s it? Maybe that’s why you’re like this. You didn’t get the closure or,” She raises a finger and pinches my nose. “You missed the chance of being together again.”

 

I stop at that thought. I haven’t gone pass the first stage of grieving considering I’m nearing the six-month period. I never opened my eyes since she left. I lost track of time because I am terribly missing her still.

 

“It’s been long, unnie. You have to move on.”

 

Is she really gone from me? Isn’t there a chance for me to get her back? Did she really choose her job over us? Someone should tell me that I am wrong.

 

 

Day 229 – Present Day

 

 

This is my first time going out with my friends after my break up. I couldn’t push myself to celebrate because I have no reason to. I eat silently while they were trying to cheer me up. If it isn’t because of Hyoyeon’s insistence, I wouldn’t have gone here.

 

“Have you seen the news, Taeyeon?” Sooyoung, who never bothered to call me unnie even she’s way younger than me asks. is full, I notice.

 

I lift my brows up.

 

“Obviously not.” Hyoyeon waves her fork.

 

“What about the news?” I drink some juice.

 

“The naval forces appointed the first woman vice admiral. She spoke to the media last night and Tiffany was there.” Sooyoung answers. “She looked pretty cool in her white navy uniform by the way.” She adds in which I agree with a nod.

 

“She always looks good.” I say quietly with a small, bitter smile on my face.

 

“She looked prettier and thinner, in my opinion.” This kid doesn’t know when to stop, does she?

 

Juhyun looks at me and I drop my gaze. “Unnie.” She nudges the Sooyoung, who stops blabbering.

 

“Taeyeon.” Hyoyeon clicks her tongue. “How long are you planning to be like this?”

 

I shrug her off.

 

“Heard she got a pretty long vacation last month, unnie.” Yoona butts in and neither of them helps at all.

 

“I didn’t know.” It was true. I silently waited for her homecoming and it seems to me now she intentionally hid from me. I get it. I hurt her. But it isn’t easy for me either.

 

“Because you didn’t talk to her, unnie.” The youngest among us says.

 

Sooyoung nods at Juhyun. “You stopped working things out.”

 

“She didn’t reach out for me too.” I snap, which rarely happens because I kept everything to myself. “When I called her, she said she’s leaving again. I said I miss her but she asked me if I was drinking. She always told me that she wanted for us to stay stronger but she chose to leave when we had problems. Now tell me, who among us stopped?” I slam my palm on the table. I run my hand on my messy hair. I see their eyes focus on me. “I’m sorry.” I say quietly.

 

“Taeyeon, she would never want to leave you.”

 

“But she did.”

 

“Because you pushed her away.”

 

“I never wanted to do that. I just needed reassurance but she couldn’t give me one.” I sigh in frustration. “What am I supposed to do?”

 

“What if she had the answer?” Sooyoung asks me. “And it was too late for you to know because you’re gone?” For the first time in years, she makes a point.

 

 

Day 400 – Present Day

 

 

 

They said I have to move on. Yes, for the past couple of days, I tried living again. It wasn’t easy but it gets better. I go out more often; I focus on my work and the likes. These all help and I think I am feeling okay lately.

 

Yet, tonight is different. I lay down on my bed and still couldn’t fathom how to spend the rest of my life. I mentally draw unending, different disorganized lines. That’s how messed up I am at the moment.

 

I stand up lazily and put on my hoodie. A short jog at the park might help me ease my mind. I need to be free from these worrisome thoughts.

 

The night is still young and lights are starting to illuminate the whole place. It is nice to be back here. Tiffany and I used to jog and roam around in this place.

 

I jog slowly to savor the cool air. It somehow washes away my pain for a bit. The memories start to fade away slowly. This is what I needed.

 

I go for the next turn. I halt and everything moves slowly. A woman is walking her dog and she wears a blue Korean navy hoodie, the one I am very much familiar with. The memories I have of her abruptly goes back.

 

Not sure what I look like right now but I am sure I am gawking. She still is the most beautiful person in the world. The girls were right. She got thinner but attractive nonetheless.

 

I think she’s going this way. No. I step back, ready for a full turn.

 

“Tae?” She asks gently.

 

I freeze. Crap, she recognized me.

 

“Taeyeon, is that you?” She asks again.

 

Obliged, I turn around and I crack the most awkward smile I have. She smiles back at me. Her eyes turn into crescents and they are shining. I miss them, I miss her.

 

“Hi!” She waves a hand. She steps in closer. I smell her perfume. It is the same she had before.

 

“Hey.” I sound melancholic. She doesn’t speak instead she still looks at me. “You uh,” I stammer. “You got a dog.”

 

“Yeah.” She pulls the collar. “I needed someone but I realized I couldn’t get a person.” She chuckles bitterly. “So I took in a dog instead. His name’s Prince, by the way.”

 

I also like dogs so like an instinct, I squat in front of the white pup. I pet his head but he doesn’t respond nicely. “He hates me.” I say.

 

Tiffany giggles; more genuine this time. “He’s not really friendly.”

 

“I see.” I nod. Maybe he knows that I hurt his mom before. This dog. I want to step away now, leave her because if I stay here for more minutes, my walls might tear down and I might pull her into a hug. “I gotta go.”

 

She hesitantly stares at me, like she wants to say something. “You know, we should hang out some time.”

 

Crap, double crap. “Sure.” I say. I mentally smack my head for it. “Before you get deployed again.” It would never be easy for me to say those words.

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“I really have to go.” I build up my walls again. I see her disappointment. “Do you have the same number?”

 

Her eyes twinkle yet again, the kind you fall for. “Yes.”

 

“Okay.” I couldn’t help myself but look at her lovingly. “It’s really nice to see you again, Fany-ah. You look good, by the way.”

 

“You too.” She smiles widely at me. “It’s good to have run into you.”

 

 

Day 405 – Present Day

 

 

I don’t know what has gotten into me but I am standing alone here, looking around. I never got the courage to call or message Tiffany. First, it’s because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to ask her out without sounding too demanding or too longing.

 

I don’t know what I am doing here. I am still wearing my formal attire I wore earlier on my meeting. I see couple walking around and comparing them to what happened to me kills me a little bit inside.

 

“You never called.” That voice is comfortably familiar. I turn around and I see her. She’s alone and like me, she wears formal office attire. Maybe she had come from a meeting or something too.

 

“Hi.” I say, bowing down. I can feel her getting closer and I fight the urge to cry and say sorry a thousand times.

 

Tiffany heaves a sigh. And we stay silent for a little while.

 

“I’m sorry.” I say, finally breaking the silence we share.

 

“For what? For not calling or for giving up on me?” She says bluntly at me.

 

“Fany-ah.” I plead quietly. “It wasn’t easy for me too.”

 

“Obviously it is easier for you since I am out there, alone in the waters thinking about you, about us. I missed you so much.” She looks at me. “It was hell.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I cry to her. She never talked to me about how she really felt back then. I was selfish, I know.

 

The wind blows. I wrap my coat tighter on my body because the warmth next to me was already gone.

 

 

Day 420 – Present Day

 

 

“That’s just it?” Sooyoung asks me while munching on her sandwich.

 

“What?” I snap.

 

Yoona scratches her eyebrows. “Unnie, why didn’t you talk to her? She was there, beside you.”

 

“I didn’t know what to say, okay?” I step back. These kids can really be annoying.

 

“You’re really letting her go?” Sooyoung wraps her long and slender arm over my shoulder.

 

“She’s gone, okay? Maybe that was the last time she’ll ever show up to a coward like me.”

 

“Unnie, what if it isn’t?” Yoona looks at me empathically. “What if she wants you back like you wanted her? You’ll never know until you ask.”

 

I gaze back at her. I never dared to ask that, or think about it. It was my fault that she’s gone and I lost the right to hope for us to get back together.

 

But yes, what if?

 

 

****

 

 

I am getting tired of walking and I still can’t find Tiffany among the people who are leisurely roaming around this park. I hope she’s still here. I hope she’s not yet deploying because I love her, I need her to be here. After all this time, after all this brooding and after all this trying, I still end up missing her. And I know she’s still the one for me.

 

“Tiffany!” I yelled, hoping she can hear me. I run, I seek for her. “Tiffany!” I say with a pant. I land on my back. Am I too late?

 

“Why are you running around, yelling my name?” I hear her speak and I open my eyes. I stand up and dust off my behind.

 

“Tiffany.” I say with a smile.

 

She smiles back, like she isn’t angry at me anymore. And I am happy. “Listen.”

 

“No, you listen.” I cut her off. “I’m sorry for being such an . The days I spent alone crying over my loss was hell.” I wet my lips. “I couldn’t wait until you stay here with me because I am a selfish jerk. You did your best to keep up, to make up for your absence and I threw all your efforts away.”

 

“Taeyeon, it’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not. I just-” I gulp because this is the part where I swallow my pride. “I just want you to know that I love you.” I tear up. “I still do and I miss you every waking moment of my life. I realize that, I can, Tiffany. I can wait for you. Go, do your job and when you come home, I’ll still be here. I hope it’s not too late for me to ask you to stay.”

 

Her eyes widen. “…”

 

I look at her hoping that I just made a difference. And I think I didn’t.

 

“Why now?”

 

I drop my gaze. “I thought we’re really over. I thought we will never have a chance. I’m too late, aren’t I?”

 

“What if I stay longer out there? What if they ask me to go somewhere farther and I could only go home once in a year or worse, once in two years?”

 

“Then go home when you can. I’m staying. I’m not going to be like the stupid Taeyeon I was before to let you go again.”

 

“Yes, you’re stupid. You’re stupid for giving up on me when the only person I love is you, when I was ready to give up everything just to be with you.”

 

“I know.” My voice turns low. “And now you’re leaving again. I lost my chance.”

 

“That,” She pauses and bites her lip. I look up at her and her face was filled with remorse. “I’m not deploying anymore.”

 

“What?”

 

“I tried calling you again and again after our last phone call. I tried looking for you. But I never did. All I wanted to say is,” She holds my hand and squeezes it. I miss that. “I planned for resigning after that deployment. And this person who left me was right. The government gave me a nice job with a high pay.” She smiles at me and my tears are falling.

 

“I-”

 

“I told you to wait for a little longer, didn’t I?”

 

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m sorry too. I should’ve considered you. We should’ve met in the middle and work things out.” She steps in closer and pulls me for very tight hug. “I miss you so much.”

 

I hug her back. She’s really here. She’ll never be gone. “I miss you too. Thank you for this chance.”

 

“You’re still the one for me, silly.” She pinches my nose and I giggle. “And maybe even you ask me back after ten years, you will never be too late because I won’t stop loving you.”

 

“You’re really here.” I still can’t believe that the woman in front of me is my Tiffany in flesh.

 

“I am. And I am not going anywhere. We’ll go out on dates more often, we’ll talk to each other every night until we fall asleep, we will cuddle until morning, and we’ll go the groceries together. And that reminds me, we also have to walk Prince at least twice a week.”

 

I nod because the least I could do is to make her stay worthwhile. And I’ll do everything to make up everything up to her.

 

“I’m staying here, Taeyeon.” And she kisses me with all the love she’s got.

 

“I love you.” I say. If I didn’t listen to my friends, if I continue ignoring my feelings, I wouldn’t be able to get her back.

 

“I love you too.” She pulls me as she started walking. “Now do me a favour and feed me with your pancakes. I really miss them.”

 

“Mmhm. Introduce me properly to your dog. He really hates me.”

 

She laughs lightly. “Our dog.”

 

“Right.”

 

From now on, we will be living our lives together and no one and nothing will ever take us apart.

 

Fin.