Chapter 25

“Love is our true destiny.

We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone -

we find it with another.”

 
-Thomas Merton

Could there be something more complicated than the elaborated thoughts of a human mind? Its intricate ironies and unexplainable train of actions that no one, no scientist, no spiritual guide could ever explain. Jiyong woke up feeling all the weight of it, feeling the extension of his existence and own confusion; and next to him the vast existence of another man, another irony. Seungri was sleeping silently by his side, dark eyelashes and bright soul… as bright as only him could be. And he smelled of sweat, of love and calm. He inhaled over the skin of his neck and stared at the little hairs standing up in a pure reflex reaction, for the other man kept sleeping unaware of the adoration and love someone was drowning in just inches away from him.

Jiyong stood there, still, simply listening to the cadence of Seungri’s exhalations, maybe waiting, maybe expecting. Until Seungri finally stirred and moved awake, grunting softly and extending his fingers over the pillow. And he knew the exact moment Seungri noticed he wasn’t in his usual place and that he was inside strange sheets with the strange warmth of someone else at his side. Those pretty eyes burst open and he tensed his shoulders looking scared, and a glimpse of acknowledge and regret haunted his eyes for an instant until those focused on the face in front of them.

“Stay, please,” Jiyong let out in a slow, strained beg anticipating Seungri’s thoughts, and his arms almost instinctually clung to Seungri’s frame.

Seungri was scared. Maybe it was the light of the day that made everything look different. They said colors and edges were brighter, more noticeable when the rays of the sun washed over them; as same could be say for feelings. He could feel anguish and something uncomfortable growing heavier inside his chest when the memories, like slow painful flashes of what had happened the night before, came back to him. The meaning of that morning screamed aloud for Seungri to leave. Whatever was that had brought him to that house the night before now asked for him to escape. And the words mistake and its synonyms flashed over and over again tasting sourly inside his mouth.

“We have to talk… we can talk, only talk. Just don’t leave,” came the begging at the distance.

He looked at Jiyong. He looked like a beautiful painting, he always did, but now instead of edges of sadness there were edges of a newfound happiness adorning the iris of his eyes. Seungri couldn’t help the smile from spreading over his lips.

“We can talk,” he let out in a raspy voice and nodded. Because he wanted to hear, he wanted to understand because fears… they always were the guides to misfortune. And if he, for one simple day could ignore them to gain something bigger. If he…

Jiyong smiled and those arms around his waist pulled him closer and those lips, now brushed over his neck and a whispered “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” echoed inside the room and through his heart.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked and soothed Jiyong’s back with his hand. And oh!, if it wasn’t just right, the way they fitted, even their pain and their own insecurities filled the room and fitted together like pieces of the same puzzle. It was the shapes and their edges, as if they had been created and craved for being complementary, and that was what allured him the most.

“For being scared, for being a coward and for hiding,” came Jiyong’s answer. “But most of all for making you think that I didn’t love you… because that is the only thing I do the best,”

And Seungri listened to those words and the beating of his own heart growing wildly at every word said made their way through his mind. Those words, that confirmation that he had asked and wanted for so long now was there and the night before and everything else… even when he so deeply convinced himself of it already, they tasted different. Simple words but so strong they could be.

“I want to trust in you,” Seungri murmured and brushed one of his fingers over Jiyong’s face tenderly. “But I,” he swallowed, “I don’t want to be pushed away again… I, I’ve learned to protect myself Ji and I’m afraid of believing… again,” he shut his eyes close and sighed, his palm leaning over Jiyong’s skin. “I want to believe… I really want,”

He opened his eyes when he felt Jiyong’s lips kissing his hand.

“I know you are scared. I was too, once, twice, a lot of times. But I feel I have the answer now, I feel you helped me understand,” Jiyong said, smiling. “You only have to believe in one simple thing and it will be fine, everything will be fine.”

“What is it?”

“That you and I are still learning how to do this…” Jiyong signaled at both of them with his hand, “Life, love… That you and I are not perfect, that you will change, that I still have to grow, to improve, that I might go better or worst… but I’ll rather we do all of it together,”

Seungri found no words. Because he was so different, Jiyong was so different… until now he could admire how different he was from the one he had met for the first time. And his difference made him aware of his own personal changes. And the hope in Jiyong’s eyes, it was something compelling.

“What do you say?” Jiyong asked, “Would you mind sharing life with me?”

And Seungri chuckled, a rush of tender and love flowing freely, healing and reassuring. “I don’t mind… at all,”

“Great,” Jiyong sighed and leant his forehead over Seungri’s forehead. “That’s great. We’ll do it, together… we are a team, aren’t we?”

And Seungri blurted out a little laugh because those were his words and yes, they were a team. A complicated one but the one he wanted to be part of, as long as he could.

“I love you, Lee Seunghyun”

“So do I… So do I, Kwon Jiyong.”

The air was cold, windy evenings were something both were accustomed too. But today especially the air was colder and stronger. At the distance the dark clouds could be seen, making the wind look saddened, gray and soft. Or so Jiyong liked to describe it. And even though he, personally, couldn’t be more contended, with Seungri’s arms around him and the sight of the Han River water’s under them.

“I don’t know how to feel whenever I’m here,” Seungri said behind him, looking at the waters and the horizon frowning. “I think about… that day when you… you tried to… you know. But then it was here too when I promised I wouldn’t leave.”

“I remember,”

“And then it is here where Choi Seunghyun memories are for you. So I don’t know how to feel exactly.”

“Sometimes I like to imagine… that he did so many things for me, to protect me. Sometimes I wonder if he send you to me,” Jiyong whispered while leaning his weight on Seungri’s chest. “You are to great to be a coincidence, Seungri,”

Seungri only answered with a kiss, a long and heartfelt kiss that erased the sounds and existence of all the rest of things around them. His lips drawing real feelings, such as content, such as hope, such as passion. “You know greatness come from what you do, right?” he said over Jiyong lips.

Jiyong stared at Seungri’s eyes confused and nodded.

“Because all I ever did is love you.”

“Then please, keep doing that sir,” Jiyong pushed Seungri away and smirked.

After the sun reached the horizon and the lights of the city made their appearance, they walked back though the streets of Seoul, hand by hand. They talked about Seungri’s work, the nature of the kids and the wildness of their hopes. About the sights and places one could find in another country without searching for it, and Jiyong nodded, marveled by the stories and Seungri’s passion for what he did, something he never used to have before.

And even when no one said it aloud they could notice, the subtle changes in the way they smiled, in the way they expected the future to be. As if their closeness, the “togetherness” in all of it no longer meant a lifesaver but a companionship. As if the other, the hand they were grabbing onto now wasn’t the place they had to hold to survive, but the place they wanted to return every night. Maybe they needed each other but the reasons were different.

“It’s interesting that you liked this drawing the most,” Seungri said, staring at his own work hanging on the wall. He turned and looked at Jiyong for an instant and then returned his sight to the picture. “I never thought you would actually hang them,”

“They were beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“Specially this one. It has something…” Jiyong murmured and ran a hand over the drawing. “I would say is an eye opener. What were you thinking when you draw this one?” he asked and his face beamed with true interest, he stretched his hands and took Seungri’s one and drag them towards the living room. “I want to know,”

Seungri sat besides Jiyong and frowned, thinking for a moment. “I’m not sure, I think of lot of things really. But that time I wanted to capture something from you. That thing that made me so fascinated about you… I mean, I can’t describe it, not even now, but it’s in you. Right now it is there, in your eyes, something and I tried to put it in that drawing,” he shrugged and looked away, shy. “I guess is similar with what you do with your music,”

“It is,” Jiyong said, lying down over Seungri’s lap and intertwining their fingers. “Is like grabbing a piece of reality and making all your effort to portrait it as similar as possible. And hope that someone might see or feel the same as you did,”

“Yeah. Like that. I wanted to show what lied beneath everything else. In this case you.” Seungri said, voice low and cheeks flushed in something similar to embarassment. 

“You are so shy about your art, Seungri. It’s beautiful. What you do is beautiful,”

“I just…” he said scratching the back of his neck, “I haven’t thought about it as art or something apart from a hobby of mine. But when I saw them here, at your walls, it was a nice feeling…I felt I want to draw more now,”

Jiyong looked up thoughtful whilst playing with Seungri’s fingers, “You should draw the kids you are working with, their hopes… I don’t know, I feel you can capture the innocence and the amazing expectations an orphan kid can have about their future and maybe show other people… that they are kids like you, beautiful persons just wanting a new opportunity in life,”

“I think I would love to do that,” Seungri exclaimed, some kind of purpose in life shining in his eyes. “I really would love doing that,”

“Sure you do,” said Jiyong and clapped over Seungri’s chest. “But now I want you to do other things,” he said, pulling Seungri down over him.

“Hmm, like what?”

“I don’t know… just surprise me.”

END

Maybe some of my readers might feel this end was a bit rushed. I do feel it was, but I had my personal reasons for it. I think I came to a point where I was cluesless of where to take this story towards. I hope you enjoyed the story with me. If I find a place I want to take this characters later I'll do it in the form of a sequel. But for now this is what I have to give and I hope is good enough for you my dear readers. I'm sorry for the long break but it took me a while to gain confidence again to sit and write something. I could say I lost the fire in me for some time, and the confidence in my own writing. I'm sorry and please, accept my apologies for that.

Love you all, JessRa.

I usually name all my subscribers here one by one to thank them for subscribing.... but you are a lot!! I mean... I know I might be lazy but you really are a lot and for that I'm greatful! I want you to know that without you I wouldn't be here and just by the act of clicking my story and giving me some of your time to read it... THANK YOU! All of you my 219 subscribers. I love you all!