[CONTENTID3]Forgive Me Not[/CONTENTID3]

[CONTENTID2]Forever And Ever[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

Present:

Even now I wondered how Baekho could choose Jason over me. Alright, I hardly knew Jason, I only remembered I didn’t like him, for reasons even I couldn’t explain. I’d only met him twice before the other day, but I hated him with a passion. Sitting by my window, Darji on my lap, fuming as I watched them play their lovers game. Watching, watching, always watching as they walked hand and hand daily to the park directly across the street. A perfect view, they were torturing me, surely.

Today had been the last straw, the extra brick on the broken back of a useless slave. But I still couldn’t do it. Couldn’t take the path that would be best for everyone, for my own peace of mind. I couldn’t live without him, and I couldn’t live with him.

I sighed as I turned the switch back. In silence I walked to the front door, stooping to put on the soft suede shoes I had taken off only moments before. I swung the door open, stepping out into the fresh, clean air, inhaling deeply a new sense of freedom. The door clicked and locked behind me, as I shoved my hands into my pockets, seeking warmth. All alone, empty of thought, I wandered to the elevator, deaf to the cheerful chimes and annoying dings as I road my way down. Home. By myself. Forever.

Forgive me not, Baekho, for what you’ll never know. Never forgive.

Popping the white child safety top with difficulty I tipped my head back, pouring them like candy, or water from the fountain of youth. It could cure all pains. Even those from the heart? I could only hope. Was this a death, after all? Not for someone else, but my own? Could I truly not live without him? Was this really what it had come to?

Forgive, Forget me not.

Two Days Later:

“Were you trying to kill yourself?” Baekho demanded, crouched next to my bedside, and I rolled my eyes dramatically,

“Maybe. Or maybe I was trying to kill you. The world shall never know.”

“You’re lucky Darji came and warned us-“

“Oh yeah, sooo lucky, born under a star sign, I was. Interrupted when I was finally getting something I wanted!”

“You really wanted to die?” Baekho’s voice sounded concerned, such a hypocrite. A clueless hypocrite, but a hypocrite all the same. If he’d not wanted me dead, he should have done a better job taking care of me. I hit him with a pillow,

“No, Baekho, I took two dozen sleeping pills because I’m an insomniac, what in God’s name is your problem? You’re the one who went to college!” I snarled. Baekho looked away, perhaps he felt guilty, I don’t know. Clearly I was not master at reading people, I’d been wrong for a grand total of every time. Finally he reached back into the bag behind him, pulling out a small, worn book that made my blood run cold. Plain, a simple notebook, tattered, pages taped to stay put. My diary. Or, essentially, every daring fantasy I’d ever dreamt of with Baekho.

“Do you care to explain this?” he didn’t sound angry, but my heart hammered in my chest, ready to pop out and bounce away, far away to escape this situation.

“Oh my God,” I whispered, reaching out a hand to snatch it back, but he leaned away. I nearly fell out of bed in my attempt to grapple for the worn little paperback,

“I’ve already read it, Ren, there is no future in trying to get it away from me. I know what it says. You love me –“ I gave a small shriek somewhere in the back of my throat and my eyes burned with unshed tears, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I’m psychotic, Baekho, do you honestly think I can be accountable for whatever weird choices I make?” I choked out, mopping