- Now I understand. -

The memorial service was anything but pleasant, hell, no funeral has ever been pleasant unless it was the death of a tyrant. Everyone was wearing black and some had mournful expressions on their face, some was crying, and some just doesn’t know what to feel. Yet there is one whose expression was screaming of depression as he blankly stare at the woman in front of him who was carrying a bouquet, the looking at the remains of someone he once held so dear.

He was trying to fight back the tears as he forced himself to remember all the good times and memories that they had together, but futile was his efforts and the tears fall free anyways. Yet he still manages to not sob and keep a small smile. Luhan had said that he always liked it when Minseok smile, and so he did.

Minseok tried to keep his composure and stand still, looking as if he’s not phazed with it all. He wonders how strong Luhan must have been to endure this kind of feeling every day.

It felt surreal to him, Luhan was there just a few days ago. He could feel him, he could hear him, he could see him, and he would so all of that too to him. But now as Luhan’s mother passes him the flowers so that he can throw it above the wooden coffin, it struck him again and even more painful than the last.

Luhan is gone.

Gone were the soft smiles that would greet him sincerely, gone were the deer eyed boy who would scold him whenever he drank coffee, gone where the boy who begged him to buy him tea, and gone were the boy who had such an outstanding view of the universe.

Into a place where Minseok can’t follow.

Minseok cried as the coffin gets lowerd down, his whole world was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.

- What you tried to say to me. -

Life after Luhan’s death presume as it normally was, the sun sets and the sun rises, the moon appears and it disappears, people come and people go. Life goes on, not minding the heartaches and losses of one person.

Life goes on and that was just the way things are.

Minseok had worked as a barista and kept looking at the sky as if Luhan was staring right back to him in a place unbeknown to him and said, “You can’t tell me what to do now.” He playfully said.

And he could always sometimes hear the whine that Luhan used to make. He misses hearing it live.

He would some how be cheered up with the thought.

He had moved on with his life as well. He met up with people and had made new friends, his only wish was that Luhan could meet with Kris and Chanyeol, those two can bright up an actual gloomy day. He was thankful he met them, maybe if he tried pretending that he was okay, he will be.

He went on with life trying to do what Luhan had so expertly executed before, Minseok put on a smile, he casually laughs, and when people say if he’s okay or not he’ll answer that he is. He would lie so perfectly that people will buy it at first glance, and he too will buy his lie because that is what he wants to be.

Yet he and the rest of mankind, dead or alive, know that it’s a complete and utter lie. For when you’re left alone just for a second, the memories swarms in and reminds you how big of a void that you’re left with and no matter how hard you try, you’re stuck with an unfinished puzzle.

Minseok went back to his apartment, he would always realize that it had felt so different after Luhan’s departure. The air runs heavy and he can’t even breathe, feelings of unsettlement looms the air because every part of the place reminds him of his jageun saseum.

And the emptiness hurts, it hurts a lot.

He realizes that he had never properly told Luhan that he loves him.

- How you suffered for your sanity. -

“Thank you for meeting with me, darling.” Luhan’s mother said as he bowed gratuitously, she was thankful and sincere, that much Minseok knows.

So he replied the gesture with a smile and shook his head. “It’s not a problem, Mrs. Lu”

Seeing that there’s no Luhan, Minseok sees no further need to call the lady ‘mother’ anymore and it saddens the woman. Minseok noticed, the look in her eyes had changed yet she smiled none the less.

“I was blind wasn’t I?” She asked suddenly.

Minseok knew where this conversation was going, yet he chose to be quiet. A part of him knew that it wouldn’t be polite to lash it out on her, yet another part of him wanted to blame her for everything.

She looked at him knowingly. “You must hate me.”

Minseok made no comments of it, it was true, he bear hatred for her because of all that has happened.

“I kept on pushing him passed his boundaries because I wanted him to be what i wanted him to be, I made him feel like a slave rather