-a few months later-

“Appa…” I looked at my dad eating his meatloaf.  He looked up at me.

“Hm?”

“Why meatloaf?  Every Friday, I mean.”

At first he looked at me, probably a bit dumbfounded by my sudden question.  But then a warm smile appeared on his face.  “It reminds me of my happiest memory.”

“…of mom?”

His head shook from side to side.  “Of the two women I love the most in this world.  You and your mother.”

I remember.  When I was younger, my mother used to cook meatloaf every Friday night for dinner.  She said it was something she craved for the most when I was still in her stomach.  I was always so excited to eat the meatloaf because I figured it must’ve been what I craved for the most as well then.  She was happy.  I was happy.  And my dad…he was happy. 

I moved my bowl of ramen to the side and reach over for the piece of meatloaf with my chopsticks.  I took a piece and slowly, I… I ate the meatloaf.

As I did, almost in a way, I felt, content.  Even though it didn’t taste the same, the same feelings appeared.  I was happy with my dad who smiled warmly with tears at the brim of his eyes.

He pushed the meatloaf into the middle of the table, “Hanyoung-ah, have some more.”

I smiled back and nodded.

Although at the end my mother left us, although I garnered so much hate for her all these years, although to me, she was a spiteful person, there was still some good memories that I had forgotten all these years.  Because I focused on all the negative things that happened, I forgot to remember the times when there was laughter and real happiness.

Washing the dishes next to my dad while he rinsed was heartwarming.  All these years, the house felt somewhat empty and cold.  But now it felt full. 

“I’m sorry, Appa.” I said softly as I continued to wash the dishes.

He didn’t say anything.  When we finished, I dried my hands on the kitchen towel and told him I was going to sleep.

“Hanyoung-ah.” He called out to me.

I turned around and looked at him as he came towards me and grabbed both of my hands.

“My beautiful daughter, Hanyoung.” Just at those words, I could feel my eyes start to water. “Don’t be sorry to me.  I’m the one, that should be sorry to you.  So just focus on yourself…and your health.”

Without another word, he quickly reached towards his face and went to his room.

…He must’ve known…all this time.  And he must’ve been dealing with the pain by himself.

---

I could feel my heart pounding as I rang the door bell.  After a few minutes, a woman who looked like the maid opened the door.  I asked for Yoon Jiae, my mother and she turned to call her over.

Just as I had expected, she didn’t look too pleased to see me.

“I’m not here to ask for anything.” I handed over the neatly wrapped meatloaf I had in my hands. “It’s the first time I made this, so it might not be good.  But I hope you eat this and think about the good days, as Appa has all these years.  I just wanted you to know that even if I was mad, even if what I felt for you was hate, I sincerely missed you as well.”

Before I could hear her words or even witness a reaction, I bowed politely and walked away.

It’s over.  Now I won’t have to care about it again.  I won’t have to ever dream about her leaving again.  Because now, until the day I die, I will only think about the good times.

---

I was sitting up on the hospital bed.  Dr. Jang was looking through clip board that held my information.

“Wooyoung-shi,” I saw him pause at the sound of his name.  He didn’t answer but looked up at me.  His eyes looked a bit sad.  I smiled at him. “Thank you… for reaching out to me.  For… caring about my health.  Being by my side.  For everything, I’m grateful.”

Again, he didn’t say anything.  Just continued to look at me, sad. 

I wonder if he ever regretted meeting me.  Calling me in for that second hospital check-up.  I felt like I involved an innocent person in my distress. 

“The operation..” I started, his eyes widened a bit at the topic. “I don’t want to burden anyone.”  His eyebrows scrunched together and his mouth opened a little as if he wanted to say something.  I continued, “I’m going to do my best.  So I won’t disappoint anyone.  That’s why, even if I’m going to have to use that sponsoring, the operation… I want to… do it.”

His expression loosened.  His eyes got a bit watery, barely noticeable.  A small smile widened on his lips.

Dr. Jang put the clip board at the feet of the bed and walked closer to me.  He bent down and placed his right hand on the top of my head.  “Hanyoung-shi…” He said softly, “Thank you.”

He was…thankful.  Even though that decision only affected me. 

---

Sitting in the same spot I met Hyunwoo a few months ago felt a bit weird.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  It was the same spot, but now I had different things to say.

From afar I saw Hyunwoo jogging towards me.  The same look, the same way he had that time when we broke up. 

“Sorry, you called so suddenly so I’m a bit late.” He managed to say while still catching his breath.

I shook my head and with a smile I motioned for him to sit down next to me. 

I could feel him looking at me.  Probably wondering why I called him out this time. 

“I’ll work hard.” I mumbled. 

“Hm?” He moved his head closer to me.

I looked up at him as he returned to his original position.  I started again, “I’ll work hard…to pay you back.”  He looked confused at first. “For the operation.”

He looked a bit surprised.

“When I get better, I’ll work really hard to make money to pay you back.”

He didn’t say anything, but still looked surprised so I continued.

“-I know, it’ll take a long time.  But no matter what I will-”

Suddenly, the left side of my face pressed against Hyunwoo’s chest.  I felt one of his hands on the back of my head as the other embraced my shoulders tightly.  Slowly my eyes closed.  I wrapped my arms around him.  This, I missed this.  The smell of his scent, the feel of his embrace…

And without a word, for a while, we stayed in that position.

“When’s the operation?” Hyunwoo’s voice broke the silence as we continued to embrace one another.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“What time?”

“Ten.”

“I’ll be here.” I backed away from him slowly. I looked up at him.  At first he was smiling, but at the lack of smiles on my face, his smile faded. “What’s wrong?” He said.

“Hyunwoo-ah,” I paused for a moment and then continued. “Even though I’m going to work hard to be healthy, I don’t want to start anything again with you until I am healthy.” I waited to see if he would say anything but he didn’t so I continued, “Just like how I told you last time, I still don’t want that.  I don’t want you to waste your time by my side if I end up dying.”

He let out a sigh. 

“-But I do want you to know, that no matter what the results are, I honestly, truly love you.”

Hyunwoo forced a smile.  “I’m still going to come tomorrow. To say greet you, and to tell you that I’ll see you again after the operation.” He got up and gathered his stuff. “Hanyoung-ah, don’t stay out here too long, it’s starting to get cold.”

He turned around and left.

Even though a part of me didn’t want to be a burden on him, I was happy he said he was going to come.

---

I sat up on the hospital bed, staring out of the large windows. 

“Are you ready?” one of the nurses interrupted my trance.

With a light smile I nodded.  Appa got up and in a hurry, he grabbed a hold of my hand.

As the nurses pushed me out of the room, I noticed Hyunwoo.  He was sitting down on one of the chairs on the side of the rooms.  He must’ve been here for some time already, as he was looking through a magazine.  When he noticed me, he quickly out the magazine down and smiled at me.  He mouthed to me, “Fighting! I’ll see you later!”

I smiled back and nodded.  The nurses pushed me in the opposite direction from him.

“I love you.” He mouthed again.

I smiled at him one last time and turned to look at my father.  “Appa,” he looked at me, “I love you.”

He nodded and told me softly that he does too.  I could tell he was trying to hold back tears.

“We’ve reached the operation room, you won’t be able to follow after this point.” The nurses addressed Appa. 

He squeezed my hand slightly, and then let go after he gave me a last smile. 

As I was being pushed into the OR, I heard Hyunwoo’s voice, reassuring Appa.

I took deep breaths.  This is it.  This is how my life with end or continue.  You really don’t feel it until it’s time. 

I could remember the nurses helping with the anesthesia and I’m sure I saw Dr. Jang.  He was one of the surgical doctors. 

---

I’m not sure how much time has passed since the beginning of my operation, but a sound happened to wake me up.  It was dreading, the pain, the sound of the staff in the OR panicking, the blurriness. 

I’m sure I heard the long and continued beeping sound of the heart monitor. 

I felt a last tear drop squeeze out of my eye. 

Things, like the hour glass that pertains to our life, many people forget about.  They forget to say I’m sorry to the people they unintentionally hurt.  They forget to call distant family or friends to tell them I miss you.   They forget to say I’m grateful for small gestures from loved ones.  They forget to express the words I love you to the people they love and care about…

I’m glad I was able to do that before my time was up…