“J-jongin—“ Soojung spoke up; word came out in stutter, face showing an expression of disbelief, shock and afflicted altogether. Her thoughts were mashed up and her mind couldn’t comprehend on the situation before her. Did he just ask her who she was? Maybe she heard it wrong, Soojung tried to reason to herself.

“Do I know you?” The guy asked, his face showing no emotion, nothing that Soojung could decipher. She wasn’t sure if he was being serious or if this was actually one of his jokes but from the way he looked at her, eyes full of curiosity, lips twisted in the way that told her that he was probably trying to find her name in his mind, the invisible question mark that she could somehow see above his head, Soojung knew then that this time he was not kidding.

“J-jongin, it’s me. Soojung,” she tried again. Her voice sounded strain from trying to stop herself from crying. She stretched out her arm to hold Jongin’s hand but Jongin pulled it away a safe distance from her reach. His action had Soojung’s lips curled into a frown and her brows knitted together in confusion.

“I don’t know you,” The guy told her, avoiding her gaze and settled with looking at the dull wall that casted his and the lady’s shadow.

“W-what d-do you mean?” She asked because some parts of her firmly believed that he was lying. “Jongin, stop joking around! It’s not funny,” Soojung chided, glaring at him with all her might using what was left of her remaining energy that she could muster. She waited for him to turn his head and grin at her, telling her that it was just a joke as he was just trying to get back to her for not showing up at the restaurant. She waited for those lips to curl up but nothing. He just stayed still on his spot, not a word came out of his mouth.

Seeing him being unresponsive and unmoving, Soojung started to feel queasy and she could already feel a headache making its way to her head. “I—“ she started, hand already shot up to massage her temple, “I’ll go call the d-doctor,” she continued before she made her way to find the doctor.

“Please wait outside,” the doctor commanded and she did as told, waiting outside the room, impatient and edgy. Her heart beat increased in speed as the second passed by, refusing to sit on the plastic chairs provided. Soojung couldn’t help herself but to pace back and forth across the door of the room, the nervous feeling settling inside her as her eyes wandered to the see-through glass and saw Jongin being examined by the doctor. He couldn’t possibly lose his memory right? Just at the thought of him not remembering her, the memories they shared, made her insides twist. Her head suddenly felt heavy with ache so she decided to finally settle herself on the seat, massaging her temple tiredly.

It was only after fifteen minutes later that the door finally opened and out walked the doctor, unreadable expression on his face. Soojung stood up in an abrupt manner making the aching in her head to intensify but she couldn’t care less about that at the very moment. She approached the doctor as string of questions escaped her trembling lips in a breath, “How’s he? There’s nothing wrong with him right? He doesn’t lose his memory right? Tell me he’s just kidding. He’s just joking right? Doctor, tell me!” she demanded desperately.

“Miss, please calm down,” the doctor said. “Mr. Kim is fine. But it seems like he is suffering from Lacunar amnesia.” When Soojung didn’t say any words, looking like she was waiting for further explanation, the doctor continued, “It’s a type of amnesia that leaves a gap in the record of memory. Well, in simpler words, Mr. Kim doesn’t remember about one specific event, or in this case person.”

How is that fine? Her mind questioned. “So he doesn’t remember me?” Soojung asked, already feeling the world crumpling down on her. She had finally came to realize her true feeling after all this years, finally admitting to herself that she had loved him since probably longer than she could imagine, when finally she found the courage to confess her feeling to the person she loved just to have her chance slipped away from the brink of her finger. Why is life so cruel to her? Soojung silently cried. But the big question is why her of all people?

As if the doctor could read her mind, he spoke up. “In most cases, people who experience this type of amnesia usually wish to wipe out a certain memory of a traumatic event.”

That couldn’t possibly be true. He couldn’t possibly want to erase Soojung from his memory. They weren’t in bad terms, as far as she could remember, or anything along the line; in fact they were perfectly fine. They even had a lunch out, almost; if not for Soojung leaving him waiting for hours there, but that couldn’t be the reason right? He wouldn’t lose his memory over such petty reason. There must be something else.

“It’s just a temporary loss of memory,” the doctor’s voice sounded that had Soojung pulled out of her trance. “It will be much help if you show him things that can trigger his memory,” the doctor supplied. “Just don’t overdo it, one at a time will do,” he advised, offering a small reassuring smile. “For now, you can go home and take a rest. You look tired, Miss Jung.”

“I’m fine,” Soojung assured but then out of nowhere she was attacked by a headache, and the bags below her eyes were too noticeable to be ignored, as if she hadn’t had any sleep for a day or so when in actuality she was just tired and full of worry. Jongin being sick was really taking a toll on her.  “But I guess I’ll just go home for now,” she added with a tired smile as she massaged her temple.

***

Despite the tiredness that was taking over her whole being, her eyes that were getting heavier at the sound of the clock’s ticking, Soojung couldn’t sleep. Her mind was clouded with thoughts, thoughts about Jongin, of the possible reason behind his selective memory loss. Why her of all people? What did she do wrong that lead him to not remember her? Was he unhappy being with her? Did being with her cause him pain? Did she really cause him to be this way?

But then she remembered. Soojung remembered the way he looked like the moment Jongin found out about the truth six years ago, the moment Soojung broke down to tears. Jongin had looked vulnerable after that one chapter, at least just for a little while. The Jongin that always had his lips curled up into a smile for the first time had turned to a bundle of mess before her eyes. She had questioned herself before, of why he suddenly turned to someone resembling a walking dead and the question had been answered, somehow. She had had a gut feeling that told her that one possibility but why would someone like him, someone like Jongin would have a certain feeling for someone like her?  She was nothing but a wallflower, someone that had nothing to offer in return for his kindness. She was not beautiful, not in the way that would make someone like Jongin to break down, turning into a heartbroken mess. She didn’t even know if that one person, the first person that had dared to walk into her life had liked her the way she did. That certain word was never even mentioned, nothing of a hint was ever thrown into their conversation.  

Soojung also remembered that she had felt as if what’s left of her world crumpled at the sight of Jongin silently crying, puffy red eyes that he had tried his hardest to hide from her view. It was probably guilt or perhaps out of worry, she hadn’t known back then, of what it was that she was feeling. The feeling was too overwhelming for her to make a sense of it, for her to comprehend that Soojung had just brushed it off to be worry.

She had thought that Jongin was just being friendly to her because his best friend had made a mistake, although that sounded ridiculous even to her. She had had an idea that Jongin befriended her out of pity, not because of something that was out of ordinary, not because he has certain feeling for her. But then a friend wouldn’t possibly be as nice as Jongin was to another, a friend wouldn’t offer to hold her books until she reached her class. Jongin wouldn’t possibly buy her a dress just so she could go to a party with him if he didn’t have any feeling for her. He wouldn’t possibly approach her every day, being patient with her behaviour towards him, pestering her to open up to him, all for nothing. Jongin wouldn’t stay with her throughout these years if it was for nothing but being a loyal friend. That would be the biggest joke of the century if it turned out to be true. People come and go out of a person’s life, even friend that would swear to not leave, even family that promised to go through everything together would pull their hands away, but Jongin chose to stay, and he stayed beside her along the journey to where she was right now.

How stupid can she be now that she thought about it? Soojung felt like screaming, wanting to let everything out until she could feel her lungs burn but she chose to stay quiet instead. She paced back and forth in her room, biting her nail as she thought of ways to help him regain his memories of her. Frustrated of not being able to think of anything, Soojung slumped into her bed, face hitting the pillow as she let out a muffled scream of frustration. The lady decided to just sleep it off and think about it first thing in the morning the next day.

Author's Corner:

I can't help but laugh at the last part. hahah and sorry if the doctor's way of talking is kind of weird. I dont know how doctors usually talk lol