Listen to: The Way I Do by Marcos Hernandez

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Jiyong's POV

I blinked as I stared up at the white ceiling above me; it's blandness reflecting myself. It had been exactly a week since that faithful night, the night I had presented my wife with divorce papers. I mentally chastised myself at the thought. She wasn't my wife anymore.

Ever since that day it felt like all the colour had been drained from my life. I had been staying at a hotel, and every day I would wake up from a sleepless night to find myself alone, staring up at the blank ceiling and no matter how hard I tried not to, I would always catch myself looking to the empty space beside me.

"What's wrong with you?" I muttered to myself. This is what you wanted right? You didn't want to wake up everyday to see a shell of the person you loved. 'But is this any better?'

I immediately shook the thought awake from me and got up from the bed, not being able to stand the feeling of loneliness as I lay there alone.

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, grimacing at the sight before me. I was a mess. I let out a humourless laugh at the fleeting thought that I now somehow matched Dara.

"Get a grip of yourself," I reprimanded myself, "It's over now. There's no going back. You have to look forward. Put the past behind you."

I nodded with conviction as I readied myself for the day. I had given myself a week. A week was enough. It was time to go back to the real world, there was no use being pathetic like this. Otherwise, what was the reason for causing so much pain in the first place? It would all be for nothing, hurting her like that.. it would all be for nothing. This was what I wanted, to be free, happy.

 

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"Sir-- I mean Jiyong, is everything okay?" Sohee asked, her brows furrowed upon seeing me at her apartment door, "It's the weekend."

I swallowed, shoving my hands inside my pocket. I had to do this, spending time with Sohee... maybe.. just maybe she would be able to take my mind away from her. That's what she's been doing for the past months.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, her eyes softening.

"I... no," I said truthfully as I met her eyes.

"Is that why you haven't been at the company?"

I nodded, and looked down at the floor. Why did this feel so wrong? Only a week had passed and yet here I was.. at the door of another woman. Why did I feel like I was being unfaithful? Why was I feeling this way when I never felt this guilt when I had spent time with Sohee when I was still wed? Why?

"Do you.. want to talk about it?" she asked gently, "There's a nice coffee place just down the road, I'll treat you to a coffee."

"That sounds great," I replied, trying to give her smile, only for it to come out looking more like a grimace.

I leaned on the wall outside as I waited for her to get ready, my mind whirling with the memories I had shared with Sohee. Was it really viable? Was it possible that her and I could become something? I tried to ignore the way my heart flinched at the thought of being with another woman other than Dara, but I had to move on. I had to. I couldn't hold onto the past. I had already tried my best with Dara, and it didn't work out. I had to move on.. right?

"Are you ready?"

I looked up to see Sohee gesturing for me to follow her. We quietly made our way to the coffee shop, neither of us saying a word. I was grateful for the silence, it was as if she knew that I wanted to be with my thoughts a bit longer.

"So.. how are you?" she asked as she took a sip from her cup of coffee, "The company hasn't been the same without you around."

"I'm sure they're doing well without me. I'll be back before you know it," I smiled.

"And you? I hope you don't fire me for saying this.. but you look terrible," she stated, her eyes scanning over my appearance.

I let out a small laugh, "Don't worry, you're just stating the obvious."

"What's happened?"

"I.. my wife.. I mean Dara..." I tripped over my words, "I.. I asked for a divorce."

She blinked, her face showing obvious surprise before her face took on a worried look, "Why?"

"Just... everything.. was getting too much for me. I just.. I couldn't handle it anymore.. and we began to drift apart.. I.. just.. I needed to find a way out," I blurted out as I stared down at my coffee cup.

"Is this.. is this my fault?" Sohee suddenly asked, her voice dripping with guilt, "I.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spend so much time with you.. it was just.."

"No, it's not your fault Sohee," I immediately cut her off, "This.. it had been building up for a while. You've actually helped me a lot over the past couple of months. You've kept me sane."

I noticed a small blush colouring her cheeks as she looked down at her hands as she nervously wringed them, "I.. I've really enjoyed spending time with you too Jiyong. I think.. I think I like you, and I know it's wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have.. I should've stayed away.. It's just.. you seemed like you needed a friend and I.."

I continued to watch as she fidgeted nervously in front of me. A part of me was surprised, another part of me knew of her growing feelings for me, but had simply ignored it. Now that she had confirmed it herself, I could no longer ignore the obvious. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the opportunity I was looking for. Maybe she could save me.

I threw away all thoughts of her and reached over to grab Sohee's hand, causing her to snap her head to look at me. My brows furrowed as I stared at our connected hands. This... no.. this felt wrong. Our hands.. they didn't fit together the way it always did with Dara. The warmth that I would always felt with Dara was absent.

"Jiyong?"

Her voice snapped me away form my thoughts and I found myself immediately withdrawing my hands and standing up abruptly, "I.. I.. I'm sorry.. I can't.."

She smiled softly nodding in understanding, "It's okay, I understand."

"I'm sorry.. I never meant to--"

"Really Jiyong. It's okay," she reassured, "Your heart belongs to someone else and it always will, just like how her heart belongs only to you. Dara.. she's a special woman, and she's really lucky to have someone that loves her so much."

As I stood there, her words washed over me like ice cold water. What am I doing? Why.. why did it take someone else to make me realise? She was right; I was deluding myself if I thought that I would be able to move on from her. She had taken my heart completely and fully, and there was no way for me to get it back. No matter what I did, who I was with... it would only give me that temporary reprieve.. only she could make me truly happy. She had the power to cause me the most pain in the world, but she was also the only person who could make me genuinely happy.

What have I done?

"Jiyong.. everyone makes mistakes, especially when pain takes over and all you can think about is a way to get out. It's never too late to get her back."

"I.. I'm sorry."

With that I ran out of the coffee shop, my heart thumping loudly. What have I done? How could I have been so foolish as to think that this was the way out? Haven't I always said that a relationship takes two people? Then why? Why had I given up so easily? I should've fought tooth and nail for our relationship, but instead, like a coward.. I pushed her away. Maybe.. maybe I was the selfish one. Not her.

I ran like I had never ran before, my legs burning, but this physical pain.. this was nothing compared to what she must've felt. I needed to see her, I needed to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her, how I had made a huge mistake. That I was sorry for hurting her so much. I needed.. I needed her.

It felt like forever before I finally reached the house.. no.. until I had finally reached home. I didn't slow to take a breather as I dug into my jacket hurriedly, to take out my keys, fumbling with them in my rush to see her. To hold her.

"DARA!"

I shouted breathlessly, my voice resonating throughout the house.

"Dara!" I ran up the stairs, pushing open all the doors. Where was she?

"Dara?"

No.. no..

The silence in the house was deafening as I slowly walked into the kitchen, my heart clenching painfully as I remembered the night I had made the stupidest mistake in my life.

I felt my heart stop as I looked at the kitchen table. There, staring back at me, was the divorce papers I had cruelly given to her, her neat signature scribbled next to her name, a small note and the keys to the house on top.

Jiyong,

I know you said I could have the house.. but I can't take it. It holds too many memories of us together. I don't want anything. Just promise me that you'll be happy. I'm sorry for everything.

Love,

Your Dara

"AHHHHHHH!" I let out a piercing scream as I scrunched the note in my hand, the tears falling from my face. What have I done?

 

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"BOM! SEUNGHYUN! OPEN THE DOOR! LET ME IN DAMN IT!" I continuously hit our neighbour's door roughly. Why weren't they opening their door? I know they're in there!

I became frantic, moving from hitting the door to slamming my fists on their windows loudly, "OPEN THE DOOR!"

"OPEN THE ING DO--"

"What are you doing here Jiyong?" Bom's stony voice cut me off as she stood at the door to her house, her arms folded over her chest.

"Where's Dara? I tried calling her but she isn't picking up her phone! Where is she?" I said urgently, "Is she in there? She's in there isn't she? Let me in!"

I made a move to enter, only for Bom to mirror my moves and step to the side, blocking my entrance as she stood with her chin up in a defiant stance.

"Noona, I need to see her," I said in frustration, "Let me in."

"I SAID MOVE!" I roughly pushed her to the side, a flicker of guilt interrupted my crazed mind at they way I had manhandled her, but it immediately disappeared as thoughts of Dara took over once again.

"DARA! Dara! Where are you?"

I ran upstairs hoping to find her in one of the rooms, thinking she would be hiding away; only for my hope to fall through when every single room I checked was empty.

"Dara! Please! I know you're here! I'm sorry! I'm sorry okay? Pleas--"

"YOU! You BASTARD!"

Before I could register what was happening, I heard the resounding sound of skin on skin followed by a sharp sting on my right cheek, my hand reflexively coming up to cup the heated skin.

"Chaerin.. calm down, it's not good for you to get angry in your condition," Seungri's soothing voice came, "Deep breathes."

I looked up to see Chaerin glaring at me, her hands shaking in anger at her sides with Seungri beside her, trying to get her to sit down, "Calm down? You're telling me to ing calm down?! No! This bastard! I trusted you! I trusted you to look after her! She's my family! How could you do this to her! I thought you loved her!"

"I do! I love her!" I defended, "I love her so damn much! Okay? I made a mistake!"

"You love her?" she scoffed, "If you truly loved her, this would've never crossed your mind! There would've never been any traces of doubt in your heart! She gave you everything, she gave you her all and this is how you repay her?! By throwing divorce papers in her face? What kind of heartless bastard are you?!"

"Chaerin-ah--"

"No. She's right, I'm heartless right?" I said coldly, taking a step forward, "Just take a second to think. Who made me this way?"

"Don't you dare accuse her! This is not her fault!" Chaerin shot back, glaring up at me, "Don't you ing dare!"

"I know I'm far from being an angel. I know I'm in the wrong, but can you really look me in the eye and tell me that she hasn't hurt me too?" I shifted my eyes back and forth from Chaerin to Bom, "Can you really tell me that?"

"No, we can't," Bom admitted, holding her hand up to stop Chaerin's protests, "But you of all people should understand."

"I did! I understood!" I exclaimed my hands coming up to brush through my hair in frustration, "I understood until that was all she could think about! All she could talk about! Do you know how much it hurt to see her ignoring my love in order to pour her heart into something that didn't exist?"

"It hurt! It hurt knowing that I'll never be enough, that I'll always be second place! It hurt to see her hurt! I felt like I was fighting a losing battle!"

"You? You were fighting a losing battle?" Chaerin scoffed, "You think your pain was anything compared to hers? You think you understand her pain do you? You think you've really seen her hurt? You don't no !"

"Don't tell me what I do and don't know Chaerin!" I shot back angrily, "She's my wife! I saw it! First hand okay? I saw what her obsession was doing to her! It was unhealthy!"

"That's where you're wrong hyung," Seungri suddenly spoke up, his disappointed face making me flinch.

"What are you talking about?"

"See? You think you know everything but you don't! You're clueless! When have you really paid any attention to her?" Chaerin mocked.

"What are you talking about? I've always been there for her! Every step of the way! I was at her side, ready to catch her when she fell!" I defended as a feeling of dread began to creep up in my system.

"Hyung, remember that day at the hospital? When I was late and I called you?" Seungri suddenly spoke up.

I nodded, my brows furrowed in confusion, not understanding how this was relevant. I just wanted, no, needed to know where my wife was!

"Remember what you said to me the next day?" he asked

I nodded again, "Yes, I said that you shouldn't put your work before your child. That the moments leading up to birth were just as important as all the moments afterwards."

"Right," he agreed, "Your words.. they were true, and yet why did you not follow them yourself?"

My brows knitted together in confusion, "What are you talking about? Dara wasn't pregnant."

Chaerin let out a humourless laugh, "No. She wasn't. But does that really matter?"

"What--"

"The moments leading up to birth are just as important. That's what you said hyung, and yet, why was it that Dara Noona had to go alone to the hospital everytime for her doctor appointments? Why was it that when she needed your support you were at work? Why was it that she had to experience all of this alone?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out, his words sinking in. I thought I was always there for her but in reality... I... I wasn't there for her. That day I went to the hospital, I pitied those women with no one to accompany them. I felt angered at the mere thought that they had to suffer alone, with no support, and no one to lean on, and yet who was I to judge? I.. who was angered by this.. was a hypocrite. Where was I when my wife would sit in that same waiting room, having other people look at her with the same pity I had for those women. What thoughts must have gone through people's heads as they saw her alone?

"I was wondering, if maybe... if you weren't busy, we could go together? During lunch? We haven't been out on a lunch date in a while..." she trailed off as she searched my eyes, hoping to find the answer she wanted.

"I'm sorry. I'll be busy all day today. Please send them my regards and tell them.. I'm happy for them, and that I'll visit again soon."

"A-actually.. It's not just that.. I was hoping that you would also come with me to see--"

"Sorry Dara, I have to go, I have an urgent meeting this morning," I cut her off before she could try to convince me otherwise.

I felt my heart twist at how I had harshly interrupted her pleading voice. I didn't even give her the chance to convince me; instead I had cruelly brushed her attempts to the side.

"Where is she?" I finally whispered, my eyes searching theirs, hoping to find the answer, "Please. Just tell me where she is."

"Look, Jiyong, you need to give her time--"

"No Bom! I need to see her now! I need to make everything right again!" I shouted in frustration, "Just tell me where she is! I have a right to know!"

"Get out of here Jiyong. We're not telling you anything," Chaerin said coldly.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me where she is! Tell me where my ing wife is!" I exploded.

"NO! You don't have a right to know!" Chaerin shouted back with equal vigour.

"Yes I do! She's my ing wife! I have the right to know everything about her!" I felt my hands curl up into fists beside me in anger.

"Just go Jiyong! The damage is already done! You'll never be able to make her happy again!"

"I'm her husband! I'll do everything in my power to make her--

"You'll never be able to make her happy because she's infertile Jiyong! She can't have kids!" Chaerin finally exploded, before her hand shot up to cover , her eyes wide.

"Chaerin-ah.." Bom whispered.

"W-what? What did you say?" I stuttered, my mind blank from the shocking news that she had delivered. It felt like a bucket of cold ice had been thrown over my body.

"Chaerin! What did you just say?!" I grabbed onto her shoulders and shook her roughly, "Dara.. she's.."

"Let go of her Jiyong! You're hurting her! She's pregnant for god's sake!" Seungri's angry voice came as he shoved me away from Chaerin.

Bom sighed heavily before turning to look at me with sad eyes, "She's infertile Jiyong. She's been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure; that's why no matter how hard you've been trying, she hasn't had any success.

"No," I let out a humourless laugh, taking a small step back as if her words had just delivered physical blows to me, "You're joking. Stop lying to me. That's not possible. I.. no.. it's.. it's just because we haven't tried hard enough! This is impossible! She can't be! She can't.. She.. she would've told me.. "

"She would've told you?" Chaerin scoffed, taking a step towards me despite Seungri's protests, "When would she have told you hmm? You were always 'too busy' for her. You were never there for her. You weren't there for her when she found out, and you weren't around afterwards to comfort her. You're a useless excuse of a husband!"

"Chaerin-ah.. you need to calm down.. this is just the hormones speaking, you don't mean what you're saying," Seungri said soothingly, trying to calm her down.

"No, this isn't hormones. I know what I'm saying and I don't care if it hurts, because this is only a fraction of the pain Dara is feeling!" she spat her eyes blazing with fury.

"Seungri's right Chaerin-ah, you need to calm down, it's not good for the baby," Bom's said gently as she stood beside Chaerin, her hand coming up to rub soothing circles on her protruding stomach, "You don't want the baby to be scared right?"

Chaerin shook her head, her arms coming round to circle her tummy protectively, as she looked at me, her eyes no longer held anger, instead they were full of pain, "She's been through enough in her life. It hurts me to see her in so much pain. I thought you were the same, but I guess I was wrong."

"Do you know, the first time I ever saw her truly happy was the day she met you?" Chaerin whispered softly, as tears began to brim in her eyes, "She told me of how she had met this wonderful guy, a guy who really made her heart race."

"You were her everything."

"I grew up with her, she's my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, and you hurt her," Chaerin's voice broke as the tears began to fall freely, "You hurt her, and I can never forgive you for that."

With that Chaerin turned her back and walked out of the room with Seungri beside her, supporting her, leaving Bom and I alone.

"It's true? It's really true?" I whispered painfully, "She's really... she's.."

"Yes Jiyong. She's infertile," Bom confirmed, the cold harsh truth hitting me once again like a ton of bricks.

"I.. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Tears began to fall from my eyes, my knees becoming weak as the weight of her words finally took hold, causing me to fall to the floor, my hands were balled up in fists as I pounded against the floor in anger.

"I'm sorry Dara.. I'm so sorry," I whispered in anguish, the tears continuing to fall one by one as I thought about how much pain she must've been in. How long had she known this for? How long had she kept this a secret from me?  She should've told me, she shouldn't of had to suffer alone like this. This.. this meant everything to her.

My jaw clenched as the memory of her pained face when I had handed her the divorce papers flashed in my mind, torturing me further. She was already in so much pain and yet what did I do? I left her, alone, to deal with everything. The woman that I had vowed to look after, to cherish, to love.. I had caused her nothing but pain.

I felt Bom's presence as she crouched beside me, a sigh leaving her lips, "Jiyong.. To an extent, I agree with what Chaerin said. You're hurt her so much, and you don't really deserve her."

I bowed my head down at her words. She was right. I didn't deserver her. She was mine to love and I didn't cherish her.

"But I also know that you really do love her. Just like how I know she loves you," Bom said softly as she rubbed my back in a motherly way, "She needs you Jiyong; now more than ever. You're all she has left. I know how much you must hate yourself now, but there's time for that later. She's been alone for longer than she should've Jiyong. Go get her and bring her home."

 

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'Where are you?'

I held her note tightly in my hand as I sat at the steps leading to our home. Bom didn't have a clue as to where she had gone. She had tried to stop her from going, tried to make her stay in hopes that I would come back, but I guess she had lost faith in me. That, or I had just hurt her too much for her to stick around and wait for me to see sense.

"Where are you Dara?" I let out a heavy sigh, feeling exhausted from the onslaught of emotion and information I had learnt from Chaerin.

'Where would she go? A friends?' I shook my head at the thought. Impossible. Dara didn't have very many friends; it was a sad truth. I remember when I had tried to get her to widen the friendship circle, and I remember how she turned to me with a soft smile and said Chaerin, the few friends that she had and I was all she needed. I couldn't imagine her going to anyone other than Bom or Chaerin, so where was she?

"Jiyong? You're still here?"

I turned to see Seunghyun looking over at me from his front door a frown on his face. I gave him a small nod in acknowledgement and turned by gaze back to the note in my hand, hoping to find some sort of clue as to where she was.

"You know, I should land one on you for what you did Jiyong," he said as he took a seat beside me.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly, I didn't mean to push Bom like that," I apologised sincerely, remembering how I had harshly shoved her aside.

"You did what?" he said with surprise, causing me to snap my head in his direction to meet his narrowed eyes.

"I.. well--"

He sighed and shook his head, "We'll deal with that later. Why are you still here?"

I shrugged, feeling the invisible weight on my shoulders with the small movement.

"Stop being so pathetic Jiyong. You aren't going to get her back by just sitting here are you?" he reprimanded harshly.

"I don't know where to start," I mumbled pathetically.

"She's your wife, what does she like? Where does she go in her spare time?"

"I..." I closed my mouth, pursing my lips as another wave of guilt washed over me. What did she like? What did she do in her spare time? Months ago, I would've been able to answer these questions with no hesitation and certainty, but now.. I wasn't so sure. I had been neglecting her for so long, that I now no longer knew. Did she still prefer strawberry jam over blackberry jam? Did she still go for her weekly walks in the park? Did she still go to the orphanage she grew up--

My eyes widened as I stood up, "The orphanage!"

"Ji--"

"Thanks, Seunghyun. Tell Bom I said sorry and I'll bring her back. I'll bring back my wife."

 

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I'm sure I must've broken more than a handful of traffic laws in my race to get here, but that was the least of my worries. She must be here. She had to be.

"Yes? How may I hel-- Jiyong?"

"Sister Ji Yeon," I greeted breathlessly, my eyes filled with hope, "Is she here? Dara? My wife, is she here?"

I felt my hope crash when she frowned, her eyes critically analysing me, "No, she isn't."

"Was she here? This week?"

She let out a sigh before nodding, "She told me not to tell anyone but I'm worried about her."

"Worried? Why? Is there.. is she okay?" I rushed out, my heart beginning to pick up pace at the thought of something happening to her.

"I don't know. She just didn't look like she was in the right state of mind. She looked pale, very pale and exhausted," she replied, worry laced in her voice.

"Sister Ji Yeon-- huh?"

I cast my eyes down to see a little boy staring up at me with a frown, one hand gripping on to the trousers of Sister Ji Yeon, "Whose this Ahjussi? What's he doing here? Has he come to play?"

It had been a while since I had been to the orphanage with Dara, considering the circumstances. I had met many if not all of the children here, but I had yet to see this little boy before.

I crouched down to his eye level, "I'm looking for my wife. Have you seen her? She's a very pretty woman."

He pursed his lips, his frown deepening as he looekd down, as if he were thinking extremely hard, "Pretty?"

"AH!" he held a finger up, his eyes flickering with recognition, "Omma!"

"Om..ma?" I repeated in confusion.

He nodded his head vigorously, "Yes! Omma! Omma is really really pretty! She came to visit us a lot this month!"

"Dara told all the children to call her Omma," Ji Yeon explained a soft smile on her face.

"Omma said she has lots and lots of love to share! She said she loves us all very much," he chirped happily, his eyes sparkling, "She said that we're her family!"

"Yes, she's my wife," I said proudly as I ruffled his hair. It was such a Dara thing for her to do something like this. She had told me that growing up unwanted and unloved was one of the worse things ever. The years prior to befriending Chaerin she had felt so isolated, like she had no one. When Chaerin came along, just knowing that one person was there for you, loved you, looked out for you. It was enough. All it takes is just one person to show they care.

The sparkle in his eyes faded a pout forming on his lips, "But Omma hasn't come the past couple of days. She looked really really sad as well."

"She isn't sick is she?" he asked sadly, his eyes starting to form tears.

"Don't cry," I cooed, crouching down again, "She's okay. I'll make sure she will be."

"Are you sure Ahjussi?" he stared straight at me, as if weighing my reliability, "She said she was hurt. I told her to go to the doctor, but she said the doctor can't fix it."

"Hurt?"

He nodded sadly, "She said she was hurt here," he pointed to his heart.

I cast my eyes down, unable to look him in the eye, knowing that I was the one who had hurt his 'Omma'.

"Ahjussi?"

"Don't worry, I'll fix it. I promise," I said with conviction, giving him a tight smile, "I'll find her, and I'll fix it."

"Sister Jiyeon, do you know where she might be?" I asked as I stood up.

"I'm afraid I don't Jiyong," she shook her head apologetically, "Please find her soon. We're all very worried. She didn't look like her usual self."

I nodded, trying my hardest not to let my fears envelope me, "I will. I promise."

 

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I parked up and slowly got out of the car, leaning against it as I stared at the quaint cottage. Memories flashed through my mind, reminding me off all the happy times. She had to be here, I couldn't think of any other place. If she wasn't here.. I didn't know where else to look.

I let out a shaky breath, a mixture of hope and nervousness creeping into my system as I pushed off from my car and began to walk towards the cottage. I hadn't been back here in a while, and now that I was here, I wonder why I hadn't.

This place held so many happy memories. This was the place where I had brought Dara and our friends on a trip in hopes of confessing my love to her. Needless to say it was one of the best decision I had made. I can still remember how elated I had been when she told me she felt the same way about me.

This was also the place where I had proposed to her, asking for her hand in marriage. This was the place where she once again made me feel like the happiest man on earth when she had accepted without hesitation. This was the place where we had spent part of our honeymoon. This was the place I had first made love to her.

I felt my heart hammering in my chest as I stepped into the house, my eyes immediately taking note of the small pair of dolly shoes on the shoe rack. As quietly as possible I removed my own shoes and placed them neatly beside hers, hoping that this wouldn't be the last time that I could see something as trivial as our shoes side by side. Just like how we were supposed to be. Side by side.

My breath caught in my throat when I finally saw her. Her back was facing me, her chocolate brown hair was softly blowing in the wind as I saw her clutch her cardigan closer to herself in an attempt to protect her body against the cold air. What was she doing out there? It was freezing outside; she would surely catch a cold.

As if hearing my thoughts she slowly turned around and reached out to slide the glass door open. The door was half open when she suddenly stopped. I held my breath as she ever so slowly lifted her gaze from the floor until they locked with my own.

I don't know how much time passed as the both of us just stared at each. It had felt decades since I had last seen her. Her face was thin, her skin pale and there were obvious dark circles under her eyes. Her once rosy pink lips were slightly dry and chapped, the colour from them long gone. Despite all of this, she was just as beautiful as ever. Only she could still look beautiful in my eyes.

"J-jiyong?" she breathed questioningly, her head tilting slightly, her eyes widening slightly, as if she didn't believe what she was seeing. As if I was just a mere illusion.

I took a small step towards her but her eyes grew alarmed as she took two steps back, her arms tightening around her frail body as if to protect herself from me.

"I-I'm sorry! I-I'll leave immediately! I shouldn't have come here. I know. I just didn't have anywhere else to stay. I didn't think you would come here.. I-I'm sorry," she rambled, as she broke away from my gaze.

She bit down on her lower lip, her head down as she fidgeted before making her way towards the door just behind me. Her soft scent hit me like a brick wall as she breezed past me. She tripped slightly on her feet and I immediately reached out to grab her arm, preventing her from falling.

"T-thank you. I'll be going now," she whispered placing her soft hands on top of my own and slowly pried my hand of her arm.

"Don't go. Please."

Before she could take another step towards the door I grabbed her arm pulling her back towards my chest as I wrapped my arms around her waist, my face burying into the side of her neck. My body immediately relaxed upon feeling her small warm physique, as if it had finally received what it has been longing for so long.

"Please. Don't leave me," I pleaded softly as I tightened my hold around her waist, "Don't go. Stay."

Her body relaxed slightly against my own as she placed her hands on top of my own, "You don't know what you're saying Jiyong."

"I do! Please don't go. I'm sorry Dara. I'm so sorry. I take it all back. Everything that I said. I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking straight. I--"

"Jiyong," her soft voice cut me off, "Everything you said was right. You weren't being selfish. I was."

"No, Dara. You're wrong it was me. I'm so sorry. Please don't go."

She let out a soft sigh, using all her strength to pry my hands apart, releasing herself from the cages of my arms as she turned to face me, her eyes soft but guarded. She cupped my right cheek, my body instinctively leaning into her touch, "You don't know what you're saying Jiyong. You don't want me anymore."

I vehemently shook my head as I placed my hand on top of hers, stopping her from pulling away from me, "No. I do. I love you Dara. I'm sorry. I was selfish. I can't... I can't live without you Dara. I need you. Please.."

She let out a shaky breath a soft smile on her face, "Jiyong--"

"I know Dara. I know," I said as I locked her gaze with mine. She blinked slightly taken aback, her guard dropping, allowing me to see torrent of emotions hidden in her eyes.

"I--You-- I don't know what you're talking about," she stuttered.

"Chaerin told me Dara," I told her truthfully as I searched her eyes, but they were guarded once again, "Why.. why didn't you tell me? You knew all this time. You suffered alone, and you didn't tell me?"

She pulled her hand away from under mine as she dropped her gaze to the floor, her hair shielding her face from me. I made a move to brush her hair away when she took a step back from me, lifting her head once more to meet mine, a tight smile on her face.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she apologised, "but it doesn't make much difference now does it?"

"Of course it does Dara! I... I wasn't there for you, I let you suffer alone, oblivious to what was going on. I can't live with myself knowing that you were in so much pain whilst I was ignorant to your feelings. Please, let me make it up to you."

"No, Jiyong. What's done is done. It's in the past now. This.. this is for the best," she said, her voice cracking slightly at the end, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here in the first place."

"No.. Dara.. No. Please don't go," I grabbed her arm, pulling her back when she tried to walk away, my grip tightening. I couldn't let her leave. I needed her.

"Please Jiyong. Just let me go," she whispered, her voice starting to break, "Just let me go."

"I can't let you do that Dara. I need you okay? I'm sorry. I love you, I need you. I can't let you go again," I pleaded with her, her heart squeezing tightly as I saw the tears that began to fall from her eyes. How many times was I going to make her cry like this?

"You don't need me Jiyong," she said shakily, as she tried to put on a smile, "I'm not worthy of being anyone's wife right now."

"No, you're wrong--"

"No Jiyong! Don't you understand?!" she suddenly cried out, pulling her arm back, "I can't okay? I can't have children! I don't deserve.. I don't deserve to be a wife to anyone right now, or even ever. What kind of wife would I be if I can't even bear a child huh? What kind of woman am I? I can't even..."

I watched as she crumble before me, her whole form shaking as she collapsed to the floor, her head bent forward hiding her face from me. Her painful sobs cut at me like a whip. I felt absolutely powerless.

I slowly got down onto my knees in front of her, my hands balled up into fists at my side, my jaw clenched. I tried to reach out to her but she shuffled away, almost as if my touch had burned her.

"Dara.." I reached out once again, gathering her tiny form into my arms, ignoring her feeble attempt to push me away. I wasn't letting go of her again. I don't care if she kicks, punches or scratches. I wasn't letting her go.

"I love you--"

"No, Jiyong--"

"No. Dara. It's my turn to talk okay?" I cut her off, my voice soft but full of authority as I clutched her closer to my chest, "I love you Dara, and I know that you know that. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry for my reckless behaviour. I can't imagine how hurt you must've been when I gave you those.. those papers."

"You were already hurting so much, and I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have let you suffer alone like that. It's just.. over the past few months, I felt like you no longer cared, or loved me."

She pushed against my chest and lifted her head, her watery eyes screaming in protest, "Jiyong, I never--"

"I know," I brushed her tears away with my thumbs but more continued to fall, "I know, I should've never doubted you, and I shouldn't use that as a pathetic excuse for my actions. I love you, and yet just because my feelings got hurt a little, I was ready to let you go without a fight, what kind of a selfish husband am I?"

"No, you were anything but selfish Jiyong. If there was anyone who was selfish it was me," she said shakily, averting her eyes as she stared at my chest, her hands gripping the front of my shirt tightly, "I was so consumed with my want for a child that I completely overlooked you. I was selfish into thinking that no matter what you would always be there, that you would always care for me. I didn't think that my actions would push you away like they did. I kept telling myself that you would understand, that you knew why I was being like this. That you wanted it just as much as I did, but I was wrong."

I softly pried one of her hands off of my shirt and interlaced it with my own, "I do Dara. I really do want a baby just as much as you do."

"That's why you have to let go Jiyong. I can't give you that anymore. I can't.." she sobbed, her whole body shaking in grief, "You'll find someone better than me. Someone you love more than me. Someone who can give you what I can't."

"No," I said firmly as I softly gripped her chin, pulling it up and forcing her to look me in the eye, "I will never find anyone better than you Dara, because no one is ever going to be you. I want a baby Dara, but I don't want one if I can't have one with you. You're the one I want. Anything else.. anything else comes second to you."

Your kiss, your smile, your mind
You're sunlight in my eyes
I miss your breath on my neck
When we whisper in the night

My eyes locked onto hers fiercely, "You. You're the one I want Dara. Your smile.. your loving heart. Your everything. You."

"Jiyong..."

"This past week.. it's been hell without you. I can't even think back to how life used to be without you," I let out a humourless laugh, "Everything.. everything around me lacked colour.. lacked life. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't eat. Being away from you made me realised just how much I need you Dara."

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up
And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done
Now I can't go on without you
I'm , I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

"You know, before I met you Dara.. I thought I was on top of the world. That nothing could stop me. That I was the greatest person, that I could accomplish any feat possible.. but not anymore. Do you see what you've done to me Dara? You're everything to me. As selfish as it is.. even if you fall out of love with me.. I will never let you go again."

My hands gently cupped her face, the pads of my thumbs brushing against her cheeks as I slowly leaned down, my nose nudging softly against hers before I claimed her lips in a soft tender kiss. The kiss held no urgency, no rush; all it held was love, reassurance and a promise that I would always be there for her.

Your touch, your skin, can't believe the way you let me in
Don't rush tonight, I need you like the ocean needs the tide.

I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done

"Jiyong.." she breathed when we finally parted, "What am I.. no.. what are we going to do? I.. we.. we can't have children."

"Shhh," I gently hushed her, immediately wiping away the new tears that fell, "We'll figure something out. As long as we're together.. everything will work out."

"But.. I can't.. there's no way. I.."

"Dara," I said firmly, forcing her look at me once again, "Do you trust me?"

"Of course," she replied immediately, her eyes reflecting her verbal response, "With my life."

I smiled softly, tucking a loose strand of hair away from her face, "Then stop worrying. I love you, Dara. Everything will work out."

"Jiyong?"

I looked down to see her smiling tenderly at me, her hand reaching up to cup my cheek, "Even if it doesn't work out.. As long as I have you.. you are more than enough. I love you too, Jiyong."

I felt a grin break out across my face, my heart beating wildly as I finally heard the three words I had been longing to hear from her for what felt like decades.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear those words?" I whispered softly as I leaned down, my lips brushing softly against hers, "I love you, Dara. So much."

That night, for the first time in months, we made love.

Now I can't go on without you
I'm , I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
The way I do

I love you
I need you
I want you
..the way I do

---

Author's Note:

Annyeong my lovely readers!

I know the last line seems kind of.. random? Essentially what i'm trying to get across is at the start, when they were trying to conceive, there was the factor of enjoyment too, but the more Dara got frustated the more meaningless the became, almost as though it had become a chore that held no feelings. I hope that made sense ^^

Epilogue next chapter, and then that's the end guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! ^^

~Water Phoenix