“So, what kind of games do you play?” Jiyong asked, catching his breath. Seunghyun’s home seemed to be a collection of stairs; stairs leading up to the house and stairs leading down to the lowest floor that contained Seunghyun’s large flat-screen television and his multiple gaming systems. Jiyong didn’t want to alarm his friend so he did his best to pretend his cancer-sacks weren’t making climbing all of those stairs difficult. Seunghyun’s family was probably really rich, Jiyong assumed. The house itself was big, and modern, and filled with designer-looking furniture that Jiyong was sort of afraid to touch. The gaming center on the lower floor (that was far too nice to be described as a “basement”) was the most glorious thing Jiyong had ever seen. He wasn’t sure if Seunghyun had invited him here in order to impress him, but if he had, he’d succeeded. “Let me guess. You’re sort of a ‘HALO’, ‘Call of Duty’ guy, right?” Jiyong smiled as he hobbled to the white, leather sofa positioned across from the TV.

                “You think so?” Seunghyun asked, turning on the TV. He went immediately to a glass case containing his perfectly aligned video games, searching through the collection adamantly.

                “Or ‘Assassin’s Creed’?” Jiyong guessed. Seunghyun chuckled.

                “You don’t play those games?”

                “Doesn’t everyone?” he smiled. “But that’s sort of my point. It’s a bit boring, don’t you think? To be the 9 millionth guy to play ‘HALO’…”

                “And your game choices are much more superior, I bet,” Seunghyun smiled, pulling out a copy of Halo 4, hoping to earn a smile from Jiyong.

                “No, I’m just saying,” Jiyong flopped down on the sofa harder than he intended. “Oops. Sorry… Did this thing cost, like, more than my entire life?”

                “Huh? The sofa? You weigh 2 pounds, you won’t hurt it,” Seunghyun mentioned casually, placing the disc into the XBOX.

                “What game was that?”

                “Huh?”

                “The game you just put in.”

                “Why? … You were hoping to play your Batman game?” Seunghyun teased as the game started. Jiyong laughed as the title came across the screen.

                “Of course. I mean, naturally,” he nodded, smirking. “Alright, HALO it is. But I’m warning you, I’ll kick your .”

                “Hold up. You’re not better than me at everything. HALO is my territory,” Seunghyun insisted.

                “Put up or shut up, Top,” Jiyong postured, reaching out his hand for a controller.

                “Finally, he decides to call me ‘Top’,” Seunghyun smirked, bringing a controller to Ji. “It’s really funny to hear you so confident as if you actually think you have a chance of dominating.”

                “Yeah. Because I do,”

                “Don’t think I’ll go easy on you, or something,”

                “That’s fine. I won’t go easy on you, either,” Jiyong replied casually, confident in his gaming skills as the game began. “Don’t think that because I’m essentially a cripple I’m not incredibly competent in the virtual world.” Seunghyun gave a light laugh, and Jiyong couldn’t help but to steal a quick glance. Seunghyun’s smiles were kind of entrancing, and he’d counted many different ones since he’d known Seunghyun. The small, innocent one he gave when he was nervous or unsure, where his eyebrows curved gently and his eyes glistened with the innocence of a child, and the coy, smug one he gave when he’d thought himself clever or funny; Jiyong enjoyed identifying and cataloging them all. This one was the gentle, pleased one he’d give when he seemed genuinely happy; when it wasn’t a particular thing that was amusing or funny, but that he was just enjoying himself. Happy. It made Jiyong’s heart skip a little.

                “I don’t really doubt that,” Seunghyun replied casually, his dimples pronounced by his smile as he spoke. Jiyong loved dimples. He was staring, now, as much as he’d tried not to, and while Seunghyun was besting him in the game, Jiyong was busy trying to ignore his desire to poke those deep dimples.

                Suddenly, coming to Seunghyun’s house seemed like a much scarier situation than Ji had anticipated. Hiding his crush, or at least managing it more discreetly, was going to be a lot harder while he sat beside the guy, in the guy’s house, on the guy’s special gaming couch. He wondered how many other people he’d brought over to sit on this couch.

                “Come on, Ji, you’re making yourself look bad,” Seunghyun scolded him, totally immersed in the game and unaware that Jiyong had been lost in his dimples and entranced by his smile. Ji stuttered out a response that was somewhere between an “uh-huh” and an “okay”, and then he blushed, hoping that Seunghyun hadn’t noticed how flustered he’d suddenly become.

                Seunghyun glanced at him, and there was that smug one, again; the smile that said “I’m so clever.”

                “Don’t look so sure of yourself…” Jiyong complained, his voice soft and just as unsure as Seunghyun looked sure. Seunghyun seemed to hold back a laugh, and he glanced back at the screen, flawlessly executing each command on the game that Jiyong had suddenly forgotten how to play.

                “There’s no shame in being confident,” he replied calmly.

                “No, but I’m just… confused about what exactly is the cause for… your sudden confidence,” Jiyong hesitated, searching his brain for the most comfortable and least incriminating words to choose. There’s a moment that happens, when you like someone, in which you become so aware of every negative and horrible thing about yourself that you convince yourself that there is no possible way that that person could ever like you in the same way, and you kick yourself for even daring to allow yourself to feel things at all. This was that moment. It all felt so ridiculous, to Jiyong. Ridiculous, that he’d allow himself to develop even the slightest attraction to this person, and ridiculous that this person was a boy, who probably had not previously been romantically interested in other boys, and ridiculous that Jiyong could’ve possibly assumed that maybe there was some sort of mutual attraction between the two of them. He’d began to kick himself, and had he not been extremely ill-equipped to physically make an escape, and been bound by the fact that he’d ridden with this person to this fabulous house and had no transportation besides this person’s car or the indignity of calling for his mother like a child, he might have quite literally darted from that house and never attempted to speak to Seunghyun ever again. He might’ve done that, had his body and transportation situation permitted, but instead, his stupid brain and even stupider mouth decided that more talking would be the solution. More ridiculous, embarrassing talking.

                “Because… it could just be that you’re very into this game and are extremely confident that you’re a veritable HALO master, couldn’t it. I just can’t stop, you know, wondering … um, but…” he exhaled sharply, his breath suddenly leaving him. His chest hurt, and he winced, but he focused his attention on the TV screen, and began to pretend to suddenly be engrossed in this video game.

                “Are you okay?” Seunghyun asked, having been listening attentively to his friend. He seemed concerned, but Jiyong waved him off, nodding his head a little, taking shallow, discreet breaths to calm himself. He’d gotten flustered. It caused him to lose his breath, and he was used to it. He didn’t want to explain that to Seunghyun.

                “Fine,” he muttered, his head filling with self-hatred. He hated the stupid lungs in his body, and he hated his stupid emotions, and he hated himself for coming to Seunghyun’s house, and most of all, he hated the fact that his chest still hurt.

                “You don’t really look fine,” Seunghyun paused the game. Jiyong glared at him.

                “I said I’m fine,” he snapped, pressing play. He coughed a little, and Seunghyun stared at him, but he didn’t argue, and soon, they were continuing the game. “My lungs are ed, okay? I’m used to it. Don’t get all concerned-“ he inhaled sharply, “every time something like this happens.”

                “… Why does it piss you off so much when I react to like that? I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay, right, I’m not saying you’re helpless or something,” Seunghyun replied sharply, his dark eyes focusing on the terrible game of HALO the two were playing. Jiyong shrugged.

                “I don’t know. Shut up, okay, I’m trying to say something,” Jiyong exhaled sharply again. “I’m not dying, that was just breathing. Okay? Okay. Okay. Um… I just… I was saying something about you being confident and it being-“

                “-Off putting? Intimidating?” Seunghyun glanced at him. No confident smirk.

                “Intimidating could be a good word for it. Yeah. Eh. Maybe that.”

                “Alright. I’ll be less intimidating. I still don’t understand why you get so pissed off at my concern,” Seunghyun grumbled, bothered by Jiyong’s short attitude towards being helped in any unrequested capacity.

                “I dunno. Cuz I’m an insecure head. But that’s not… um, I wanted to ask you something.” Jiyong blushed a little, and he shook his head, pausing their pointless and ignored game. “We at playing video games in the same room with each other.”

                “Seems that way,” he responded dryly.

                “Girls. It’s about girls. Girlfriends, specifically. Unless that’s not a topic you wanna share,” Ji looked at him, and he wondered if he should even take the conversation in that direction. “I mean, it’s not a topic I know a lot about or anything…”

                “How are you on girls, now?” there was a slight smile on Seunghyun’s face. Jiyong couldn’t tell if that was a smile he should be relieved or worried about? “What about girlfriends?”

                “Um… oh. Uh… specifically, about the history of the word ‘girlfriend’. Or… specifically, how such a word pertains to the life of, um, a particular individual with expensive sneakers and an affinity to XBOX gaming,” the words were sort of just coming out, and it felt like he’d lost all control over his ability to speak. He could’ve sewed his mouth shut out of embarrassment. Seunghyun laughed; Jiyong’s heart nearly stopped.

                “Hmm. I’m not exactly sure about the origin of the word ‘girlfriend’, but it seems that years ago, some speaker of the English language thought that combining the words ‘girl’ and ‘friend’ would be the perfect way to address his female companion,” Seunghyun responded matter-of-factly, and that confident one, that smirk, was back. Jiyong’s eyes were full moons as he stared at Seunghyun, praying to whatever deity may be listening that he’d be put out of his misery and this conversation could come to an end.

                “Oh. Yeah, that seems likely,” Jiyong responded shyly, and he could feel the warm, familiar feeling of blood rushing to his cheeks, and he looked away from Seunghyun, focusing his eyes on the paused HALO game.

                “As for the second half of your question,” Seunghyun continued, and Jiyong could feel his chest tighten with anticipation and anxiety. “That person… has found the word ‘girlfriend’ to be the source of a lot of adventure, a lot of boredom, a lot of fun, and a lot of anxiety in his life. The last time the word played a concrete role in his life was a little bit after graduating from high school.”

                “Oh,”

                “Is that what you wanted to know?”

                “No,” he stuttered, “I-I mean, yes. Yeah. Um. That’s um… that’ll do.” Seunghyun smiled a little, and Jiyong stared from the corner of his eye, waiting for the awkward feeling to subside. “… I wasn’t asking you if you have a girlfriend, or something like that. I mean, that’s not my business…”

                “No, no. You were just asking how the word ‘girlfriend’ relates to my life,”

                “Out of pure curiosity…. Nothing more,” Jiyong insisted, kicking himself the more the words left his lips.

                “Ji,” Seunghyun’s voice sounded damning and terrifying, and Jiyong’s eyes were wide with fear, as if he were about to be yelled at.

                “Hm?” he froze when Seunghyun’s hand touched his arm, and he couldn’t breathe when the other brushed fingers under his chin. He refused to allow them to turn his head, and his eyes clenched themselves shut tightly, his heart’s pounding threatening to send him into a quite inopportune coughing fit. There seemed to be a pause, as if time stopped, and he could feel Seunghyun’s hands and hear the sounds coming from the XBOX, and there was nothing else, and Ji wondered if something was wrong.

                But then he felt Seunghyun’s breath against his face, and he felt his lips press into his, and he whimpered softly out of pure shock. He tried to wake himself up, convinced that he had to have been sleeping; dreaming. But he couldn’t wake up, and he Seunghyun’s lips only became more deliberate, and soon he felt himself giving in, and his lips accepted Seunghyun’s, and they were kissing. It was the first time his lips had ever kissed anyone else’s, and as much of him was shocked, it felt natural, and he could feel blossoms and explosions and sunbeams inside of himself. He let Seunghyun lead, afraid to move, or even breathe for fear of ruining it somehow, and though it ultimately only lasted a few seconds, it had felt longer than all the time he’d ever spent daydreaming about such a moment.

                “That… should answer your question,” Seunghyun said after he’d finished. It took maybe a second for Jiyong to gather himself, his eyes staring into Seunghyun’s in wonderment. Neither of them said a word, for a moment, frozen in their awkward aftermath, eyes connected, each waiting for the other to give some sort of indication that the thing hadn’t been some kind of weird mistake. “You... okay?” Seunghyun finally asked, and Jiyong nodded quickly, his eyes dropping from Seunghyun’s glance.

                “… I’m a boy,” Jiyong muttered before he could think of something better to say. Seunghyun nodded.

                “Seems that way,” he blushed; Jiyong actually felt a little better, to see him blush. “I guess, maybe that doesn’t matter.” There was a pause, again; a long lull in the conversation where Jiyong couldn’t do anything but concentrate on the sound of Seunghyun inhaling and exhaling. “Maybe I should’ve asked you before. Sorry.” Jiyong shook his head, and cautiously, he draped his arms over Seunghyun’s shoulders.

                “Yesterday… you asked me if I was gay, and I didn’t really answer,” Jiyong began, his chocolate eyes slowly examining Seunghyun’s face, as if to assess whether or not continuing would be alright. “I guess, the first time that I… really realized was when I was really young. My dad, he was really into Bruce Lee, so he’d watch the movies, and I’d watch with him because I wanted to be just like my dad, you know? So, anyway… um… I guess, after a while, I had this sort of crush on Bruce Lee. But, I never told anyone. Actually, this is my first time telling anyone, because I … I didn’t want to be judged. Anyway, as I got older, I started to realize that it wasn’t just Bruce Lee. I had friends, and they were starting to like girls and chasing the girls and stuff, once we were in middle school, but I wasn’t interested. Besides that, I started to get infatuated by more and more guys… which scared me, at the time, so instead, I just shut down. I really tried not to like anyone, because I didn’t like girls, and I was afraid. Then, I got sick, and I realized it was stupid, and that if I was gay, it wasn’t really that big of a deal… but, you know, by then, I was sort of preoccupied with being literally made of cancer, so I … never really had a chance to experience… actively liking someone…” he sighed, and he slid his arms off of Seunghyun’s shoulders, shaking his head. “Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you this … Um… at least say something, so I don’t feel like so much of an idiot right now.”

                “No, no. I’m glad you told me,” Seunghyun smiled a little, and he let out a relieved chuckle, his eyes staring at Jiyong as if he’d just been given a prize. “Honestly, I’m just glad you don’t think I’m some weird for kissing you.”

                “Nah,” Jiyong laughed softly. “I liked that part.”

                “I wanted to make my move while I was still incredibly handsome and irresistible. Normally, I would’ve given you this long courting period, but I was afraid you wouldn’t be interested in the me that will exist after I begin treatments,” Seunghyun teased, and suddenly, everything felt normal, and the awkward melted away. Jiyong laughed, his head inflated by the infatuation of being “in like” with a guy that actually liked him back. Relief washed in like a cool wave from the Atlantic; there was no more wondering and agonizing and no more incurable insecurity. He’d kissed, and been kissed by the guy he now was not afraid to admit was sort of everything he’d ever wanted.

                “I honestly think I’d be interested in all of the ‘yous’, Seunghyun.”

                “Now you’re just flattering me,” he smiled, and he couldn’t seem to help stealing just one more gentle kiss before he sat back comfortably against the couch. Jiyong giggled helplessly, and Seunghyun pretended he didn’t want to smile because of it.

                “But, what about you? … Not to be presumptuous, but… was that the first time you kissed a guy?” Jiyong asked, the video game having lost all of its luster in comparison to Seunghyun.

                “Yeeep,” Seunghyun nodded, chuckling through his torn expression. “I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, but for some reason, I just… have a thing for you.”

                “It’s because I’m pretty,” Jiyong grinned, pleased to hear those words directly.

                “So I’ve been told,” Seunghyun chuckled. “I agree 100%. It’s kind of weird, though. That you’re pretty. It’s weird, because you… I don’t know what the I’m trying to say.”

                “Why is it weird? Because I’m a guy?” Jiyong asked curiously. He wasn’t sure whether he should have taken offense, or not. Seunghyun shrugged a little, and his hand jutted through his black hair.

                “No… I mean, maybe in a sense, it’s because you’re a guy, but I think what’s weird for me is just that, at least for me, you… I mean, you don’t see people who, sort of, you can’t forget their face, or stop staring at it, or… you know, the type of face that haunts you. That type of pretty. And, yeah, maybe because that type of beauty is attached to a guy.”

                “Wow. That… is really gay,” Jiyong couldn’t help himself. Seunghyun laughed, and Jiyong smiled. “But, honestly, Seunghyun… I … I’m just impressed with you. Not many guys can, sort of… have done the whole hetero thing for their whole life and just allow themselves to suddenly like a guy, and just dive in the way you did.”

                “I didn’t ‘dive in’. I mean, I just…” Seunghyun hesitated, “I took a few days to sort it out. I kind of liked you immediately… when I first met you, there was like a spark or something. I dunno. I dunno! I felt extremely weird about it, but ultimately, I had to see you again,”

                “But that’s what I mean. That you … you know, saw me again. And that, here I am…”

                “… Yeah,” Seunghyun smiled a little. “Honestly, though, Ji… Ji…. It was always something I, you know… thought. I had girlfriends, and I liked them, don’t get me wrong… but I… well, to me, it was always a possibility. I’d thought about it, before, and I sort of promised myself that if I… I liked someone, I wouldn’t pretend not to just because that person wasn’t a girl.”

                “Hmm. Fascinating… but, you know, I’ve got an expiration date, so maybe I shouldn’t be your experiment… in that realm,” Jiyong sighed a little, scratching his head. He wasn’t sure what to make of this; whether Seunghyun liked him or just wanted to see if he could be with a boy. Sure, either way, it could’ve been fun, valuable, even, to try being with Seunghyun. He was dying, essentially, and he wasn’t sure when he’d get another chance to be with someone, let alone someone as handsome as Seunghyun. It was just a little weird that Seunghyun wasn’t exactly “gay.” It would’ve to spend the last days (or weeks? Months?... years?) of his life with someone who saw him only as a free trial; an Intro to Homouality course.

                “We both have expiration dates. I don’t think I really have time to experiment, or really, to be dishonest with myself about anything. I… I want to allow myself the dignity of enjoying the life I’ve been given, no matter how long or short that life is. I’m not proposing that we… jump right into calling ourselves a couple, or anything. But I… the short of it is: I like you. And I’m going to let myself…. I don’t think I have time to worry about, you know… the fact that you’re a guy, and I’m a guy, and what the implications of that are,” Seunghyun could really sound intelligent, when he wanted to. Jiyong found himself getting lost in his prose, although his verbal feedback seemed to release itself involuntarily.

                “You should be worried about the implications of that, because we’re both male… which means some aspects of our relationship would inherently be different than what you’re used to with your girls,” he blurted out, rambling and unnecessary, and he felt immediately apologetic. Seunghyun, though, seemed amused, and he laughed a little.

                “I think you think I spent my entire life bombarded with various girls, or something,”

                “No, but… I’m just saying, you know, some things will be different. Inherently. Because I’m not a girl, nor are you,” he didn’t know why he kept saying that. He honestly didn’t. He wished he could shut up.

                “What, you mean because you have a ?” Seunghyun smirked.

                “… Well, are one thing guys have that girls do not, typically, have,” Jiyong blushed.

                “I know. I’m not afraid of your . I’m sure it’s nice,” the guy chuckled.

                “Oh…. Well, I wasn’t really saying you’d be afraid of my ,” he fought his smile. “Gosh, why do I get so embarrassed every time we talk?”

                “It’s probably because I’m so awesome and intimidating,” Seunghyun suggested, smiling. “Maybe you’re afraid of my . Subconsciously. Subconsciously, you’re afraid of my manly, incredible , which embarrasses you.”

                “Oh, God. Did you just call your ‘manly’ and ‘incredible’?” Jiyong laughed.

                “I didn’t make it up. It’s true. It came with a certificate and everything. ‘Congrats, this is very manly and incredible.’” Seunghyun insisted, and Jiyong laughed harder. “You shouldn’t be afraid of it. It’s a very nice . It just happens to be a… very awe inspiring one.”

                “You’re sick. You know that, right?” Jiyong smirked.

                “How? I’m just stating facts. I don’t see why that’s such a sick thing…” he chuckled a little, eyeing Jiyong. “I don’t think I have to sort of remedy the fact that you’re male, Ji. Maybe that’s part of what rocks about it. About liking you. I don’t think I like you in spite of you being a boy. I think I like you, and you’re a boy, and that’s great. That I like you… and you’re a boy.”

                And that was that, Ji decided. They liked each other, not in spite of their maleness, but that they liked each other, and they were guys, and it wasn’t something that either of them wanted to apologize for or remedy. It just was. 

AN: Pumped this out just to give you guys something nice! First kiss! Yay, right? Just a little romance in time for V-Day. I couldn't really do a Valentine's Day scene, since it's more like spring or summer right now in the story, but I hope their little first was good for you guys! Wish our boys the best, because it the hard stuff will be starting in the next few chapters. :) Thank you all for reading & for your comments! Please leave comments, guys! The comments really make me more excited to update! And as long as something like school isn't holding me up.... I'm going to keep doing my best!