The silence is killing me. I feel as if I’ve lost all my senses. I can’t hear anything, I can’t see and I can’t feel. I feel numb, so numb that every movement actually hurts. Why am I so hopeless? Why can’t I do anything, anything to… to keep you with me? I have cried, I have shouted, I have cursed. And through all of it, I couldn’t do anything. “You have to wait” they said. But they don’t now that waiting is killing every piece of hope I have left in my heart. They don’t know that I can’t stand the fact that there is no assurance that I will see your smile again. “You need to rest. There is nothing you can do sitting here” they said. But they don’t know that being there with you is my last rescue. That all I want to do now is to hold your fragile hand, to whisper reassuring words, to ensure you that everything will be alright even though I have no idea what’s going to happen myself. And that thought is killing me. If only I could turn back time, if only I could take your place…

***

I don’t remember when exactly I fell in love with him. Since the day I met him we’ve become best friends immediately. I would find myself looking forward to spend time with him, to laugh with him or even quarrel because our quarrels always end with us getting even closer. There would always be something special about his laughter and even though it was loud and annoying to others it made me laugh too. It was as if his smile only made me so happy that I was able to manage any difficulties that life would bring. And this smile… this smile made me feel butterflies flying wildly in my stomach and after long time I finally convinced myself that no, it wasn’t hunger. I just fell in love with his slightly crooked teeth and thin, beautiful lips, with his puppy eyes shining more than stars in orion constellation. As cheesy as it sounds, it is all true. At first I thought that I only admire him, that I stare at him a little too much because he’s just handsome so who would not look at him twice? But I couldn’t lie to myself any longer - I was seriously attracted to my best friend. There was no reason to deny it anymore and I knew it. I was scared, so scared, so I just would hide it the best I could, because I knew it was wrong. This is Korea, here gay people are not accepted. So I kept it for myself but it’s been more and more difficult to the point that it became unbearable. Because I couldn’t bring myself to not stare when he smiled his famous toothless smile that made me melt, when all I wanted to do when he was sad was to hug him, kiss him and tell him that I love him so much and he always has me. But the fear of him rejecting me was stronger than that.  And so I kept quiet.

 But God must have been on my side because there came one beaufitul afternoon, the best afternoon in my life. We’ve just came back from SuperShow 5 tour in South America and all members were sleeping because of exhaustion. All, except Donghae and me. I was laying on my bed in room I share with Sungmin (who fell asleep in Kyuhyun’s room and nobody really could bring himself to wake him up)  reading some book and letting my tiredness disappear when suddenly there came a soft knock at my door. So soft I barely heard it.

“Come in” I said confused for I thought I’m the only one awake. But then the door handle moved and soon I could see sheepish face of my best friend, or rather the one I loved.

“Can I come in, Hyukkie?” He asked with small voice and a little frown which I really wanted to kiss away. He acted very shy and I could tell that he has some problem because he’s hands trembled a little and his cheeks were coloured with a delicate shade of red.

“Of course. Come on.” I said immediately putting my book on a shelf and patting the space beside me on the bed for him to sit on it. He closed the door but didn’t make any move closer. He just stood there with his head down, playing with his fingers and opening his mouth every now and then as if he was trying to tell me something but didn’t have the courage to do so. I frowned suddenly worried, because as cute as he looked I didn’t like to see him in such a state.

“What’s wrong, Hae?” I asked and stood up ready to gather him in my arms. He finally looked at me with his glassy eyes and he talked, his lips slightly trembling.

“I.. I n…need to tell you s…something, Hyukkie” And with that he hung his head again.

“What is it?” I asked sofly trying to coax him as much as I could. I wanted to step closer to him but he stopped me with his hand and so I stayed still anticipating his next words. Little did I expect what he would tell me then.

“I… I… “he clenched his fist so hard his knuckles became white “I.. I love you, Hyukkie” It was barely a whisper but I’ve heard it. And this is when I stopped breathing. He exhaled heavily as if relieved that he already said it. But I didn’t know what to think. My mind was blank in that one moment because i didn’t know what he meant. He would often say that he loves me but this… this felt different. Before I could even comprehend his words he continued “Hyukkie, it’s not love that friends share, I… I’m in love with you. I know I’m a weirdo because you are a guy and… and my best friend but I can’t help it. And if you don’t feel the same it’s okay, I… I just wanted to tell you this because I couldn’t take it any longer.” He said and breathed and soon I’ve heard a quiet sob. I realized I was so shocked that I kept silent for more than two minutes and it must have been so difficult to him. But seriously, who could blame me? The person I loved the most was standing there before me telling me he’s in love with me… It… it felt so strange yet so good. If this was a dream I wished I would never wake up. Yet I still didn’t believe it. And, as a coward I am I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the same. I was paralyzed. What woke me up from my trance was his next words.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t… I’m sorry.” –he sobbed and rushed out. I stood there for few seconds until I realized what have I done.

“Hae, wait!” I shouted not caring anymore about sleeping members. In that moment, there was only him. Only him and the fact that he loved me and I loved him even more. And my cowardice is the very reason why he’s crying right now. So I run after him to the kitchen where he stood by the sink and tried to calm himself down. His back was trembling and I knew I hurt him and I should fix it, immediately. I had no hesitations anymore. I had nothing to lose. And even if I had there is nothing compared to him. Losing him is much more than losing anything else. So I approached him slowly and he must have felt it because he stiffened visibly. And then I just hugged him from behind like I always wanted to do it. It wasn’t the same as at concerts or as usually when we hugged each other. I hugged him strongly telling him that there is nothing to worry about because I love him too and so I whispered in his ear “I love you too, baby. I’m sorry, I was just… I was so shocked. I haven’t expected you to say this.”

He relaxed immediately and I kissed his head and smiled feeling his hand caressing mine that was resting on his belly. I couldn’t be more happy than at that moment. But from full happiness separated me one more thing. Just one thing left… And so I turned him around and not waiting for anything I kissed him, sweetly and softly pouring all my love into that one action. I held his waist strongly, possessively, not letting him go, not ever.  And I almost exploded from bliss when he kissed me back, with as much passion as I and soon we were kissing like there’s no tomorrow, holding onto each other as if even a little space between us would separate us forever. And that afternoon, I’ve become the luckiest man on earth.