February 23, 2011

Dear Diary,

I guess it's official now...the disease has completely taken over my body. I'm in the hospital full time now. They won't let anyone in to visit me, not even umma and appa, not even the girls. The girls still don't know, they think I've caught some contagious disease and think that I'll be better soon, None of us have the heart to tell them what's really happening. I made them promise. I couldn't do that to them. As much as I want to say goodbye, I'd rather not see the tears marring their beautiful faces before it's time. 

Doctor Leeteuk is giving me about a week left to live. It's a shame isn't it? Dying a week before my birthday. I wish I could have lived to see 15, but I guess destiny has different plans for me. Sometimes I feel like I can fight this disease. I really want to celebrate my birthday, my last birthday, before I go. Maybe if I fight hard enough I can survive. But the chances of that are slim, very very slim. I have nurses watching over me and my heart monitor when I sleep. Sounds creepy, but their presence is actually pretty reassuring. Sometimes, I can feel my heart giving up, even in my unconscious state. The nurses have to restart my heart, only because I beg them to. One day, my heart will fail completely. No electric shock will bring it back. Not even if Zeus himself came down and threw a lightning bolt at me. I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid that I'll lose the battle then. I'm afraid I'll lose the battle without saying my goodbyes to everyone. Maybe it would be better if they didn't know, if they found out after I died. I'm being so selfish right now, but I honestly don't know what to do. I miss Fany's eye smile, I miss Jessica's seriousness and Yuri and Sunny's constant joking. I wish I could just see them one last time. And umma and appa. I can't imagine how much pain they must be going through. I've never seen appa, my strong hero, cry until the day unnie died. And now they're losing another daughter.

If only it didn't have to be this way... But I'm going to stay strong. It would break all of their hearts if I just gave up. 

I wonder how I'm going to die..will it be peaceful, like going to sleep? Or will I have to endure a lot of pain? I hope it will be painless. Unnie looked like she was going to sleep when she passed. An eternal sleep... I like the sound of that. I don't believe in angels, but if I became one, I would want to watch over everyone I love so I can reassure them that I'm okay. I guess in some ways, I'm the lucky one. I won't have to endure all that heartbreak. 

I wonder what will happen to the girls. I hope they continue to be best friends, I'd be devastated if they broke up because I...left. I really hope that they take power from Minzy and Bom and Dara. 

Hah, bmaybe if I became a ghost, I could haunt them for the rest of therir lives. Now that's an entertaining thought. Maybe dying won't be so bad after all...

Goodnight Diary. Perhaps this will be my last entry. If it is, I hope that umma and appa can give this to the girls. I want them to keep it. As a reminder of their lost friend. Thank you for being such a good listener, Diary.

Kim Taeyeon