Sleepless Nights
Description
He was my world. I was his. We lived in a world where nothing else mattered other than the fact that I love him and he loves me.
Sehun's POV.
I had this handwritten first on my notebook, and it friggin' ate up 18 pages. The idea just popped out when I had too much ChanHun feels. Had to let it out.
Annica, Reg and Pam, this one's for you! ♥
Foreword
Chanyeol and I met in high school. I was a freshman and he was a junior. He was the guy who would spend grace periods under the enormous sycamore tree, playing melodies from guitar strums and plucks with his skillful fingers. He would often hum the lyrics, and sometimes sing the words which caused butterflies in my stomach because his deep voice was something I would love to listen to all day.
All the time, he was alone.
Well, upon his knowledge. All those times when he was under the tree, there I was sitting on top of a sturdy branch, either reading a book or sleeping with music blasting to my ears.
One day, taking my earphones off was the best decision I ever made. That was the first time I heard someone so soulful other than the music I was listening to. I peered down to see the guy below. He had sleek black hair and had a bigger built than me. He leaned against the tree trunk as he played a song. He brought me to the edge.
Literally.
*thump*
I landed on the grass buttfirst. Good thing the grass was thick enough to absorb the shock on my poor gluteus maximus. My school uniform got covered in dirt. Dried leaves were stuck on my hair.
"Ow!" I grunted. It freaking hurt! But the pain seemed to fade away at the sight of the tall boy with a bigger physique staring back at me, looking a mixture of shock and worry.
"Oh my God! Are you okay?" He put aside his guitar to scoot closer to me.
His eyes were as wide as full moons especially with furrowed eyebrows. His voice sounded so much better when directed to me. Music to my ears. He helped me get up from lying on my back by pulling me up by hand. I loved the way he gripped my fingers, I didn't want to let go. My eyes remained glued to his even when I was back on my feet.
I had fallen for him right then and there.
"Are you okay?" He repeated.
"Y-Yes. I'm okay."
His ears were another feature that I found utterly fascinating. They were like budding leaves. I chuckled inwardly. And the way he smiled upon the assurance of me being okay was embedded in my mind which made me never tired of his beautiful face.
I snapped out of my thoughts. On my left hand I found my iPod -- the screen was shattered and the earphones were busted. I frowned.
"I'm sorry about your iPod." He tapped my shoulder which sent shivers down my spine.
"It's okay. I'll just buy another one."
It was not okay. I sacrificed three months of controlled eating so I could save up for that iPod my parents refused to buy me at least for my 16th birthday. All the songs that kept me sane in spite of the conflicts at home were gone. 'Till then, I didn't know how I would fall asleep.
I dusted off my uniform and fixed my hair.
"Hey, we go to the same school!" He talked about us having the same uniforms. "How come I've never seen you before?"
"I'm a freshman," I answered.
"I'm Park Chanyeol." He stuck his hand out for a handshake. "I'm a junior."
"I'm Oh Sehun." I clasped his hands.
"Are you sure you're okay? Can you walk? You know, I can walk you home. I can give you a piggyback ride if you want."
"No, no, I'm fine. Thanks."
Park Chanyeol had the purest heart. Even though I insisted on walking home alone, he still accompanied me. He gathered all his things and guided me down the slope of the hill. When I slung my bag on my shoulder, a stinging sensation enveloped my arm. I slightly twisted my arm to see the wound. It was still freshly abrased. I scratched myself when I fell down.
Or metaphorically speaking, when I fell for the guy right in front of me in one look.
Our house was located a few blocks away from my favorite outdoor sanctuary. I could walk perfectly fine. I even forgot about my wound on my arm.
He sure was a talker. He talked a lot during the whole journey, whereas being the quiet type, I stayed silent. It was better off with him doing all the talking and me just listening. I had always loved the sound of his voice and laughter. He laughed like there's no such thing is a bad vibe. Everything was all happiness whenever he laughed.
"Wow, I didn't know we live in the same neighborhood. Our house is located at the far end of this street, as in right at the end of the horizon. It always felt like I'm at the end of the earth, but then I realize that the earth doesn't have an end, nor does it have corners," he laughed. "Actually, the end of this street is a grassland. Have you reached the end, Sehun-ah?"
I was still in a daze. I wanted him to continue talking.
He snapped his fingers at me. "Earth to Sehun! Earth to Sehun!"
"Huh?" I pulled myself back to reality.
"Are you listening? Am I boring you?"
"No, you're not boring." I just like hearing you speak.
"Okay so... Where's your house? It's like walking myself home."
"Just a few more houses from here."
"You're not much of a talker, are you?"
I shook my head.
We reached my house, not too far from what he coined the end of the street.
"Hey, whaddya know, we're neighbors after all!" He pointed at the cream-colored house that was a hundred times bigger than ours just across the street.
"We moved here before classes started."
"That explains it." He ruffled my hair and headed home.
"Chanyeol-ssi!" I called him.
He turned around. "Call me hyung."
"Ch-Chanyeol hyung," I gulped. "Thank you."
"Don't mention it." He smiled.
********************************
Befriending Chanyeol was such a piece of cake. He was so jolly all the time, cracking jokes, and could talk about anything under the sun. Days later, I found myself walking to school with him every morning, sitting beside him during lunch, and fervently listening to the music he produced out of his guitar. I leaned against the tree trunk as I allow myself to doze off. One time when I woke up, my face was resting on something hard, covered with a smooth fabric and manly fragrance. I was sleeping on Chanyeol's shoulder all along. I quickly sat up straight in embarassment, but he just smiled his brightest smile.
I flustered in front of him. He let out a small chuckle as he poked my cheek. "You have the cutest cheeks, Sehunnie."
Sehunnie.
"What did you say?" I marveled.
"Sehunnie. It sounds so cute. Like you. I'll call you that from now on, and I won't let anyone else call you that way. You understand, Sehunnie?"
"I understand." I grinned, I felt my eyes forming thin crescent moons.
The name kept ringing in my ears like the sweetest lullaby. I had preferred him to call me like that forever. Since then, he was the only one I allowed to address me like that. I felt young, loved.... I felt special.
********************************
Chanyeol was a smart . He would always help me with my homeworks even though I don't ask for help. He just knew that I need help. He explained the quadratic equation and radicals and trig functions way better than my math teacher did. He would just sit beside me in the library and poke my cheek, then snatch my homework from my hands. He didn't even use a calculator, but whenever I checked the answers, they were always right. He had easier ways to solve problems.
"Just remember, Sehunnie, SOHCAHTOA," he said. He grabbed my pen and a paper from the pile I got on top of the desk. He wrote the acronym across the paper. He pointed each letter with the pen as he stated what they stand for. "Sine - Opposite over Hypotenuse. Cosine - Adjacent over Hypotenuse. Tangent - Opposite over Adjacent. Remember this like a trig mantra and you'll surely ace the exams."
"What if I don't?" I joked.
"Ah, so you wanna bet, huh? Fine. Let's put our cheeks at stake."
I immediately covered my cheeks with my hands as I looked at him questioningly.
"If you get at least 90% on your midterms, I'll pinch your cheeks so hard, you'll get home with a swollen face. Otherwise... I don't know.... Perhaps you can slapattack me as hard as you can. That'll hurt, but I'll still look handsome no matter what. Hah!"
"Cocky prick," I blurted out. But he was right. He was always beautiful.
"Keep talking, little brat. Don't you dare fail that test on purpose coz I know your parents will get disappointed if you fail."
He was right again. My parents would not even let me set foot on the house whenever I get bad grades, so I would sleep in the bus station. The only thing that allowed me to go back to the house was a perfect score which serves as a compensation to my previous failing grade. I did not have many friends around the neighborhood, so I did not have anyone I can run to in times of trouble.
The day of the midterms came, and I memorized the mnemonics Chanyeol taught me. Before I hit the sack the night before, I deeply familiarized myself with that SOHCAHTOA thing and other tips. While studying, I could not bring myself to wipe away Chanyeol's stunning face from my head. It motivated me more, despite the fact that I might return home the next day with either crimson red cheeks or palm.
No, I don't want to physically hurt Chanyeol.
SOHCAHTOA--SOHCAHTOA--opposite--hypotenuse--Chanyeol--adjacent--hypotenuse--Chanyeol--get a grip, Sehun--Chanyeol--Chanyeol--tangent--Park Chanyeol.
Screw my brain. I was in the middle of an exam, yet this was all that came running in my thoughts. I tried my best to snap out of it lest sleeping again in the mosquito-infested bus station.
A couple of days later, the results were out. Chanyeol and I opened my test booklet at the same time.
With hitched breath, slowly... Slowly...
"Ninety-four percent!" Chanyeol exclaimed.
Everything only sank in when he hugged me tight as he congratulated me. I wanted to hug him back by encircling my hands around his waist, but he already retracted even before I lifted my arms.
"Hey, we still got that deal, Sehunnie. A deal is a deal."
My eyes widened.
Chanyeol made hand clamps out of his thumbs and index fingers, ready to pinch my cheeks like dough. "Get ready, this one's gonna hurt!"
I squeezed my eyes shut. My whole body tensed.
"On three," he started counting. "One... Two... Three!"
*tsup!*
There was no pain. I did not even feel his fingers on my face. Instead, I felt the moist of his lips against my cheek. Park Chanyeol freaking kissed me on the cheek. Blood rushed into my face. I felt it heat up. My cheeks got red because I was blushing so hard, as red as a tomato. It left me speechless, but Chanyeol just guffawed with his ridiculous laughing face which I found beautiful nonetheless. I never got tired of complimenting him in my head.
"Oh look at you." He poked my cheek. "You're as read as a tomato. So cute."
I thought I was going to pass out. My heart thumped so hard against my chest that I could hear it.
"Say, have you ever been kissed before? You look so shy and innocent... And cute."
I shook my head. I wanted to lie at me having a girlfriend before and we used to make out, but I was not good at fabricating stories.
"It's okay, my Sehunnie. I can just kiss you some more," he whispered teasingly into my ear.
What!?
"Park Chanyeol you disgusting piece of sh---"
"Hey, where are your manners? I was just kidding, alright?" He laughed again. "But I'm really, really proud of you. Words cannot express how much." He rested his hands on my shoulders.
"Well, you're a great teacher." I winked.
********************************
I had never forgotten the first time he phoned me at night. We talked about stuff like our favorite bands, past times, family, and some random things. He told me he has a younger brother named Kyungsoo, and their parents are both doctors, so they're kind of pressuring him and his brother to follow their footsteps. However, Chanyeol wanted to be a musician. Or at least, 'a singing hot doctor' according to his words.
"You're smart, anyway. I can foresee you as a very successful doctor, or a musician, or both someday," I said.
"That's why I like you so much, Sehunnie," he said.
And that was the first time he said he likes me.
That was an awkward moment, and I did not want to assume too much like he likes me just as a friend, so I laughed at it although I had been dying to tell him that I like him back from the very start.
It became our nightly habit; it was either him phoning me first or me phoning him first. Before, we would hung up after an hour of talking. But as time passed by, our conversation lasted until five in the morning, especially during vacation. He told me he would teach me how to ride a bike, and the next day he did. I told him I would make a sketch of him, and the next day I did. Little did he know, I had made tons of sketches of him on my drawing pad and at the back of my notebook whenever I got bored in class.
He told me he would like to ride the ferris wheel at the town carnival, and the next day we went together. I thought he wanted to ride the ferris wheel because he liked the feeling of being lifted up in the air, but I was wrong. He wanted me to be there for him as he conquered his fear of heights. At the top of the ride, he shivered like a puppy being soaked in the rain. He squeezed his eyes shut and gripped his seat tightly.
"Chanyeol hyung, open your eyes," I ordered him.
He shut his eyes tighter and pursed his lips, flashing his dimples.
"Chanyeol hyung~ Chanyeol hyung~"
"Sehunnie, please!" He glared at me for a split second.
"Chanyeol hyung, you dragged me here, yet you don't want to open your eyes. I thought you want to conquer your fear?"
"I don't think I can do it." He pouted.
"Don't be scared. Being scared restricts you from appreciating the beauty in things." I interlaced my fingers in his. "Don't worry hyung, I got you."
He opened his eyes slowly. He smiled at the view of the colorful flickering lights and beautifully decorated kiosks under his feet, and at the cold breeze brushing against his skin. He became so darn happy that he began laughing and howling and shouting, 'I'm the king of the world!', it was embarassing. I did not let go of his hand. And so did he with mine. He poked my cheek for the hundredth time with his freehand.
Every night I had a good night sleep because it was his voice I listened to before I close my eyes. I had the sweetest dreams whenever he sang to me through the phone.
********************************
The first time I cried to him was when my parents were fighting, and my drunkard stepfather began beating me and my mother up. He got fired from work, so he drowned himself in alcohol which unfortunately makes him violent. Sometimes, I would catch him taking in illegal drugs. He threatened to kill me if I don't shut up. That night, he slapped me so hard, and punched me in the gut that I stumbled on the floor, crouching in pain. I heard my mother yelling, begging my stepfather to stop, but he continued hitting me. He took advantage of me lying on the floor by kicking me in the gut. I grunted in pain. I tasted something metallic in my mouth. I only realized it was blood when I saw tiny drops of thick red liquid on the tiles. I crawled my way out of the house, and as I was able to gather all my strength back, I ran to Chanyeol's house.
Chanyeol opened the gate and welcomed me in his arms. I cried so hard on his shoulder. Despite the excruciating pain all over my body, I felt protected in his touch. He let me inside their home. His mother cured all the physical pain, but Chanyeol eased all the emotional pain by simply being there for me. At least for once, I felt loved. That night, I slept in his room.
I stayed in the Park residence until my parents have reconciliated with each other. My mother loved my stepfather so much, she would not want to leave him in spite of my stepfather being a burden sometimes. For a week (or so, I think?), Chanyeol's family treated me like I was one of them. I ate meals with all four of them -- Drs. Park, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol -- without being humiliated in front of the dining table. I was able to eat peacefully without being called a useless bastard from hell. Well, I truly am a bastard; I was the accidental child my mother got when she was by her father's friend. Years after that incident, my mother married my stepfather. He used to be loving... Back when he haven't tasted drugs yet.
I dreamt of my stepfather stabbing my mother. He left my mother's bloody and lifeless body on the floor. He turned to me and grabbed my neck. In that dream, he was choking me. I was screaming for help, but no sound came out of my mouth. The way his fingers curled around my neck felt so real. I tried to loosen his grip, but he was too strong. He straddled on my hips, so I found it more difficult to move. I clawed the floor and flailed my legs until there was almost no air to breathe in. I closed my eyes. I heard someone calling my name over and over.
"Sehunnie! Sehunnie! Wake up!"
I bolted up. Cold sweat covered my entire body.
"You were having a nightmare," Chanyeol whispered. It dawned him that I was utterly afraid because of my incessant shaking, so he embraced me. "Sshh... There, there. It's alright. It's just a bad dream."
I cried my heart out. "I'm sorry, Chanyeol hyung," I bawled.
"Shh, don't be," he retorted.
"No, I'm sorry I've been a burden to you. You should have let you stay out of my problems. Tomorrow, I'll go back home--"
"No," Chanyeol protested.
"But hyung, I--"
"You're not going anywhere." His voice stiffened.
"Why?"
"Because I love you. I want you to stay with me."
I just stared at him. I was at a loss for words. I did not know what to answer.
"Say something?" Chanyeol muttered.
As much as I wanted to say I love you too, I could not because my mouth failed to verbalize anything. Even my brain could not process anything coherent. Next thing I knew, I was kissing him, his face in between my hands. He kissed back, his soft plump lips brushing against mine. He gently pushed me down the mattress without breaking the kiss, and he laid on top of me. He nibbled on my upper lip like his favorite candy flavor. He s his hands under my shirt, feeling the warmth of my skin, whilst I kept my arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers occasionally playing with his hair. My body weakened underneath his. I did not know how long we were kissing, but sure enough, after we parted, we were catching our breaths. Chanyeol rolled to my side and pulled me into his arms. I slept with my head on the curve of his neck. Once again, I felt loved, protected... I felt special.
Eventually, I went back to my parents' house. Everytime I had troubles falling asleep, I would phone Chanyeol until sleepiness strikes. He also gave me his own iPod to replace the one I broke. It boosted me up after all the damages that had happened for the past days.
He would play music for me the following day under the sycamore tree where we first met. Then he would kiss me.
He kissed me when I brought him flowers on Christmas day. He kissed me when he walked me home. He kissed me when I greeted him outside our gate the morning after. He kissed me in the theatres. Day after day, I told me he loves me, and he would kiss me.
"It took one look to draw me closer to you," I said.
"Your smile is all I need, my Sehunnie," he said.
He made me believe that I was the one. The only one.
********************************
On Chanyeol's senior year, his band became popular in school. They did multiple intermission numbers on school programs. He was so good in swooning the people's hearts with the way he played his guitar. People loved it better when he was partnered with his classmate Byun Baekhyun. Baekhyun was an amazing singer. His high-pitched voice created soothing harmonies when paired with Chanyeol's deep one. They became famous. They began going on tours ever since some talent scout discovered them when they performed in the school dance. I was so happy for him because he got what he always wanted. I followed them wherever they go. Watching them perform live was the only way I knew that I could express my love and support for Chanyeol.
Chanyeol and Baekhyun continued to go on tours after they graduated from high school. Chanyeol eventually moved out for college. They became more and more popular. People loved their tandem. They looked so perfect together in the eyes of many. They complemented each other. Meanwhile, I stood in the crowd which barely made my presence acknowledgeable. Night became day for Chanyeol, and day became night. I hardly got the time to catch him because of his schedule. Moreover, I had become broke from following him. I completely lost track of the last time I had a decent conversation with him. I attempted to phone him one night, but I remembered he turns his phone off on gigs. I held my phone on my chest, hoping that he would call me after their schedule. But that did not happen. I stayed up all night waiting for his call that never came.
I lost my money from following him everywhere, and I had been failing my subjects because of lack of sleep. I needed Chanyeol's voice to put me to sleep. His playlist was no longer helping. I needed him to kiss me again like he used to. I missed those times when he used to sing to me, and only to me. I missed those times when he used to randomly poke my cheek then he would whisper I love you to my ear. I missed those times when we would walk in the streets hand-in-hand.
I needed him when my mother died of heart failure. She and Chanyeol were the only ones I had in my life, yet my mother left me, and Chanyeol got no more time for me. I was left with nothing. I could not expect anything from my stepfather since he hated me. He was devastated at my mother's passing as much as I did, so he increasingly resorted to drugs which caused him to beat me up more frequently. It became worse and worse until I found myself enduring all the bruises and cuts every night.
I did not want to close my eyes. I was afraid my stepfather would sneak into my room to smother me in my sleep just like in my dream. I needed Chanyeol to reassure me that everything's alright.
I dialled his number on my phone. It rang... And rang... And rang... But he did not answer. I tried a few more times, but he never picked up. I cried myself to sleep. There was too much pain -- pain from the countless wounds and bruises all over my body, and the heartache of making Chanyeol my world, but now he's living in a world I'm no longer a part of.
I returned to my usual habit of reading a book on top of a branch of the sycamore tree. A little later, I heard someone singing along to a guitar accompaniment.
My heart leaped when I heard the sound I had been longing to hear. The sound that calmed me down. He used to sing to me, but then I saw him singing with someone else, for someone else. He sang for Baekhyun. Baekhyun sang for him.
Baekhyun obviously loved Chanyeol. I could see the way he looked at him. I knew because that was how I looked at Chanyeol. That look when it was as if he was the only one I see, when nothing else mattered when I'm with him.
Chanyeol remained my world, but I'm afraid I was no longer his. Because it's now Baekhyun that kept his world spinning.
********************************
"When was the last time you had a good night sleep, Sehun? Look at you. You look depressing. I bet you don't even eat. It's like talking to a corpse right now," Jongin nagged.
He was a good guy. I owed him my life. He was the friend I had when nothing was left for me, including Chanyeol. He kept me alive when I had troubles at home and got nowhere to go to because Chanyeol was away for college, gigs, and -- I did not want to admit it to myself at first, but clearly -- Baekhyun.
"I miss him, Jongin. It kills me, " I said.
"I know, but that doesn't mean you'll forget the life ahead of you. Time to let go. God only knows if you really are for each other. In this game called love, someone wins and someone loses. So let him go. Spare some time for yourself."
I tried really hard. It had been years.
i contrived a piece of paper with a sketch of his face from my bedside drawer. Even in my dreams I longed to see his face once again. I ran my fingers on the paper, imagining the touch of his skin grazing my fingers. Contemplating on Jongin's words, I had the urge to gain back my energy for the next day. But I still could not sleep, so I silently took one of my stepfather's medicine bottles from the medicine cabinet, and brought to my room. I dropped one tablet onto my palm and popped it into my mouth. I forcefully swallowed it down.
I called Chanyeol's phone. He picked up after three rings.
"Hello?"
The voice was not the deep one that I was expecting. It was Baekhyun's.
"Hellooo? Anybody there?" Baekhyun repeated.
"I-Is Chanyeol there?" I finally spat.
"Yes, he is. Hold on."
Seconds later, Baekhyun's voice was replaced with Chanyeol's.
"Hello? Sehun-ah, is that you?"
I did not reply. I closed my eyes to let his voice flow into my ears. I covered my mouth to muffle my sobbing.
"Sehun-ah? Sehun-ah. Answer me if it's you."
No reply still, so he hung up.
I did not know what had gotten into me that I was not able to speak. I wanted to tell him that I missed him so much, how much I had been dying to see him, and how much I loved him. However, I was hurt when it was Baekhyun who greeted my first. Reality slapped me in the face.
Chanyeol's world is now Baekhyun.
Before I was his Sehunnie, now I'm just Sehun-ah.
I wished to forget everything so I forced myself to sleep. I gulped down a handful more of tablets until my head felt heavy, as well as my eyes. Pitch black darkness swallowed me whole.
Come what tomorrow may bring...
********************************
Chanyeol sat on my bed. I had never seen him so sad. Tears rolled down his face, but I could not bring myself to wipe them off. I just stood motionless in front of him.
"I'm sorry. I should've known sooner. I should've spent more time with you. I am so so sorry, Sehun-ah," Chanyeol sobbed.
"No need to apologize. What's important is that you're here," I muttered.
"I wish I had spoken to you more. I wish I spent more time with you. You'll always be in my heart. I will always love you. You'll always be my Sehunnie. I'm gonna miss you."
Apparently, I wanted to fall asleep so bad that my body was not able to regulate the effect of the drugs. I did fall asleep, though, but I never woke up the next day. I was rushed to the hospital, but unluckily, poisonous chemicals had already invaded my system. I never got to wait for tomorrow. My life ended then and there.
I wanted to haul Chanyeol in my arms. I wanted to tell him that I'll be alright. But I know he would not hear me, nor would he feel me.
"I wish you could hear me right now. But I'm telling you one last time, Chanyeol hyung, I love you...
... And goodbye."
A/N:
Whoops! Weird POV, I know. I'm sorry. Here's an illustrated version of this story for more escalated feels ;)
Special thanks to my friends Pam (mallows) and Reg (candylover) for having such wild imagination.
XOXO,
mshmlo
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