It’s been weeks. I’ve been unable to get over him. I’ve only held onto one friend ever since he died. He keeps trying to coax me out of my apartment. I know he means well but I can’t help but feel infuriated each time he does. He keeps telling me that the pain will go away but it doesn’t every time I think it’s going to get better I always end up tumbling back down into the darkness of my pain. I was sitting at the edge of my bed with my head it my hands and my bedroom door closed, the room used to be mine and Kris’. Every time I opened my eyes I saw Kris sitting at the desk reading a book from his wide collection. He used to collect books. I didn’t have any interest in reading so, each time he tried to convince me to read one of his books I would always say “Oppa! There’s a spider!” and point behind him. When he turned I could attack him with tickles and successfully distract him from his book talk.

I lifted my head and raked my eyes over the book shelf. There was one book in particular that I was looking for it was his favourite called ‘The Fault in our Stars’ by John Green. I moved towards the shelf and ran my fingers across the worn spines of the wide variety of books. He read them so many times. I pulled out the book I was searching for and stared at it for a long time. All I could think about was Kris having his nose buried in this book and chuckling from time to time the first time I saw him cry was when he finished to book.

A tear escaped my eye as my eyes took in the appearance of the book. Then slowly they all dropped to the tiled floor in a flurry. I made neither sound nor no move to wipe them away. Kris just had to kill himself didn’t he? He had to make me go through all this pain. He’d probably just say “I couldn’t help it.” in his cold voice. Just as I was on the brink of breaking down there was a knock on my door. I blinked quickly to stop the tears from falling and wiped my face with my hands attempting to make sure that there was no evidence of me having cried.

I left my bedroom and crossed the apartment to the door. It opened to reveal my closest friend, Luhan when we were young and foolish kids, around eleven we had faked a romantic relationship and I ended up liking him for real. Unfortunately he didn’t reciprocate my feelings. His eyes zeroed in on how my eyes were slightly red. He sighed and said “Were you crying?”

There was no point hiding it so I told him yes. He simply shook his head and came inside when I moved to give him space to enter. He dropped himself onto the loveseat that Kris and I used to cuddle on while watching movies.

“Dayoung, you need to stop wallowing in your sadness. I understand that it’s hard but please?”

I gave him no answer and avoided his eyes. 

“Come on, get ready, I’m taking you to meet a guy I know. He’s really fun to be with and I’m sure you’ll like him if you let yours-”

I looked up at him and shook my head. “No, I will not go.” I said in a shaky voice.

“Please Dayoung. You need to forget him,” Luhan said as he clasped his hands together and directed a pleading look towards me.

“I need to stay faithful to him, Luhan.”

“He left you without a word. He killed himself.” Luhan’s voice had turned low and all happiness drained from his face.

I couldn’t answer him. I was getting choked up. My eyes were watering, making me unable to see Luhan’s face. Luhan had gone quiet when he saw how I reacted to his words. I swiped away my tears with the back of my hand and exhaled shakily. “All right let’s go.”

“You’re sure you want to?”

I hesitated for a moment but nodded. “Okay. Go make yourself prettier than you already are then.” Luhan let out a soft smile and pushed me gently towards my bedroom.

I entered my bedroom and shut the door. I leaned against the door, whispering to myself repeatedly “It’s not a date, I’m still faithful to Kris.” I changed and qu