After some time on the road, the trucks banked a narrow curve to enter a military base overrun by Korean, Japanese, and Filipino troops who have prepared diligently for their battle at Shu Chai the next day. It was the meet-up of all allies hidden deep in the mountain range and only a few miles away from the battleground. This was one of a few hidden military bases around the city, and tomorrow all troops would gather together and march their way into Shu Chai as an important factor on getting to Yundo. Shu Chai is said to hold a multitude of weapons and information on the Sotenan troops, as well as a closer look to Sotena's nuclear weapons.

Their previous skirmish brought the five friends to silence. What started as seven turned into six, and finally five.

Everyone kept their distance away from each other. After countless rides of sticking together, the friends separated as they suffered the trauma of everything they witnessed on their own. Sunggyu, Woohyun, and Myungsoo sat together at the front of the truck. Woohyun kept his arm around Myungsoo to lean against his shoulder to sleep, rubbing his shoulder in small circles to relax him after discovering the most heartwrenching truth they would ever encounter. Sunggyu closed his eyes as he faced the corner, cuddling his legs together and wishing in his mind that this nightmare of killing his own friend would disappear.

Dongwoo stayed at the front of the truck, staring off into the distance as the sun rose to start a new day. He was unable to to sleep for the entire day, with only one thing clouding his mind. One person who changed his life in so many ways, and the fact that he was no longer sitting next to him on their journey to Yundo.

The details were minimal. As their fight came to an end and he saw Woohyun and Myungsoo bawling in front of him, Sunggyu out of control and sobbing in front of Captain Peo, he already knew what had happened. No one told him a single fact about Hoya's death, no elaboration on how he died other than one defining word that came out of Sunggyu's mouth: "Sotena".

Vague in terms, but it was enough for Dongwoo to make assumptions of Hoya's death without thinking the worst. It was what Sunggyu had wanted, but then again Sunggyu was suffering so much himself that he had barely any time to process how he would explain everything to Dongwoo.

Sungyeol sat across from Dongwoo, keeping to himself and covered his eyes the way through, leaning against the caravan walls and thinking to himself if there was any other possible way this could end up. He had only wished he had another second to think rationally, figure out a way to save both of them. The tables turned, and Sungyeol was unsure if he could ever go back to the way he was.

The trucks parked their caravans in a loaded parking lot of different military trucks, tanks, and other mobile artillery of the Korean army. Slowly, each soldier stepped out of their mobile homes for the past five days. It was a miracle for every soldier subjected to a cramped truck for hours without proper food and amenities. It was the sacrifices they had to make to fight for their own country. Even if it was for one day, it would make a huge difference in preparing for battle.

Dongwoo and Sungyeol stepped out of the truck first, observing their surroundings and taking a look around the base. It was a simple base of low-level buildings and a large training ground in front of them. People discussed on the ride that this was about the size of their own in Pyongyang, but what was unique to this base was the utilization of the mountainous range. At the tops of mountains were hidden bunkers inside of the rock that held firearms and cannons for far-range battle. The mountain was a few miles away from their destination of Shu Chai, and with the height advantage everyone was prepared.

"Lee Sungyeol. Jang Dongwoo." Dongwoo and Sungyeol heard a familiar voice behind them and spotted Captain Peo walking up to them. 

Dongwoo and Sungyeol were hesitant in responding to him, bowing to him at 90 degrees to greet him.

Captain Peo was shaken up from yesterday's fire fight, having taken hostage with two other Korean soldiers on his side and strapped to a bomb alongside an innocent family. He felt obliged to address Dongwoo and Sungyeol in some way for witnessing the horrific scene, but he had nothing else to tell them. "I'm sorry," was all he could make out. 

Sungyeol was stoic. His eye twitched slightly in an effort to hide how upset he was by everything.

Dongwoo expressed the same regret as Captain Peo and Sungyeol, but felt disconnected from the situation because he did not personally witness the bomb with his own eyes. He was still empathetic.

Captain Peo said all he could. "We go on with life. We must move forward." 

Move forward after this? You are ing sick, how can you think like that? Sungyeol adjusted his stance, crossing his arms and furrowing his eyebrows in anger.

Captain Peo performed a respectful bow before he left Dongwoo and Sungyeol to proceed onto business.

"Captain Peo."

Captain Peo turned around to see Dongwoo on the verge of buckling down and deteriorating in front of him. "Hoya-"

"I know." Captain Peo nodded. "I know." Unable to take away the pain of both the mother's death and Hoya's death, Captain Peo walked away to return to his duties.

"I'm going to take a walk," Sungyeol announced, shoving his hands down his pockets and choosing a random direction to walk in.

"Do you want anyone to go with you?" Dongwoo asked.

"No," Sungyeol grumbled, walking faster to go into the crowd of soldiers greeting and talking to each other before Dongwoo could catch up.

"But Sungyeol!" Dongwoo stuck his hand out to reach for Sungyeol, to reach for something to be with him during his internal struggle. All he wanted was for someone to be with him but like Hoya, Sungyeol disappeared right before him. Everyone disappears. 

"Dongwoo."

Dongwoo spun around to see Sunggyu, Woohyun, and Myungsoo standing right behind him. They stood side-by-side with their shoulders brushing, all of them delicately staring at him with understanding eyes. Dongwoo bit his lower lip, expecting these types of responses from everyone. He did not like it. Dongwoo wanted all of them to stop, to crawl into his own hole and hide from the whole world. 

Maybe Sungyeol had a point to go off on his own.

"Hey guys. We have bunks here, right?" Dongwoo asked timidly.

"Yeah, we do," Woohyun answered.

"I'm going to sleep." Dongwoo nodded in front of his wins, taking a ginger glance of each one of them before he turned away and walked to the residential bunks. 

"I... I think that I'm going to figure out plans for our battle tomorrow," Sunggyu declared, walking in the opposite direction of Dongwoo.

But before he could leave, Woohyun grabbed onto Sunggyu's collar and pulled him back. 

"Woohyun, what are you doing?" Sunggyu raised an eyebrow.

"How long have you known Hoya was a spy?" Once they returned to their trucks for the journey, there was never any time to ask questions and clear things up. 

Sunggyu glanced at Woohyun and Myungsoo, whom were both curious for the answers and wanting to know the truth. "Shortly after Myungsoo found his backpack."

"Wow." Myungsoo closed his eyes, leaning his head back to stop himself from crying. 

"I can't believe it." Woohyun was in utter shock, refuting the idea that Hoya was a spy. After everything Hoya had done for them, he never thought he would change sides for this.

"He really did that to Sungjong," Myungsoo moaned, biting on his thumb and taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

Woohyun cleared his throat, choosing his words carefully. "What are you going to tell Dongwoo?"

"What do you mean?" Sunggyu tried to play dumb.

"Sunggyu, we all know the truth. Dongwoo deserves to know it, as does Sungyeol. Especially after what he did to Sungjong."

Sunggyu hated Woohyun because he knew that he was right in every way. To his current knowledge, all Dongwoo knew was that Sotenans killed Hoya during yesterday's battle. He considered Dongwoo a brother to him, and he knew he had to tell Dongwoo the truth. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but Dongwoo could die from this. Dongwoo is the most gentle person I know.

"Hey, where did Sungyeol go?" Myungsoo searched for him in the crowd of soldiers, realizing that he ran away. At this point, Sungyeol had become a loose cannon ready to explode at any moment. "I need to find him."

"Go ahead, I'll be here." Woohyun gave permission for Myungsoo to leave as he continued to hold onto Sunggyu's collar. Woohyun took a deep breath, staring firmly at Sunggyu to get in his head that this was the right thing. He knew Sunggyu was skeptical of doing it all, of telling Dongwoo that he killed Hoya because he was a spy. "If I was in Dongwoo's position, I would want you to tell me."

"It's different though." Sunggyu ran his fingers through his hair, pulling the last of the tips in frustration. "Dongwoo and Hoya, they liked each other. I'm sure of it."

Woohyun's perspective changed a little from hearing this, trusting Sunggyu's point of view since he spent the most time with Dongwoo and Hoya. "Ok, they did like each other. But, Dongwoo is going to live with this death for the rest of his life. What are you going to tell him?"

Nonetheless, Dongwoo was his best friend. He knew how much Dongwoo and Hoya cared about each other. The pain would hurt him deeply, but Sunggyu knew what he had to do.

"I'll tell him. I promise," Sunggyu lowered his head.

"Ok." Woohyun let go of Sunggyu's collar. 

He knew Sunggyu was lying.

(((())))

I just want to be alone.

Sungyeol pushed his way through the crowd of different soldiers greeting each other at the military base. It only happened less than 12 hours ago, and the despicable memory was fresh in his mind. All he wanted was to run away from the mess he created himself. The mess that he tried to push out of his mind, but kept coming back to haunt him in his nightmares. Being around the troops was only a reminder for himself that he let this happen, letting an innocent person die at his hands in this war. And it made him think what draws the line between innocent and guilty.

I'm sure many other soldiers in the Sotenan army were forced to be here like I was, but I have to do what I can for my country and myself. 

Sungyeol tried to justify his actions in the war, everything having a reason, but in the end his thoughts returned to the mother captured in the realms of unwarranted violence and hell. 

Why do I only feel guilty for killing now? When I should have felt guilty with the first Sotenan soldier I've ever killed.

Sungyeol found himself defining the line of innocent and guilty himself, and the line was skewed in squiggling all over the place and being erased multiple times to find the answer. The truth is, there was no answer to who deserved to die or not. At the end of the day, everyone was still a person. Sungyeol felt the wrath of Sotenans invading his own country, taking Sungjong without a trace, solidifying a dictatorship that tortures its own people, and an empire that was wrongfully taking over other nations around him. 

 But was violence the answer?

Strolling down the streets to find an answer, Sungyeol bumped his shoulder into an unsuspecting soldier.

"Sorry."

Sungyeol blinked his eyes several times as he took a look at the soldier. His face was filthy with dirt covering majority of his face. A small cut on his cheek dried up with traces of dripping blood on his chin. His smile was nonexistence, his stare void of any kind of emotion or spirit within him.

He looked almost as miserable as Sungyeol.

"You..." Sungyeol spoke under his breath, recognizing his exact identity.

The soldier put his hands up, waking out of his blank expression after seeing the fire in Sungyeol's eyes. He shook his head, his eyes welling up in tears as he took a step back. His whole body was trembling, close to fainting to the ground as he stuttered his words. "Hey... please let me... please let me explain..."

Sungyeol gripped on the soldier's collar and threw him viciously against the wall, bringing his arm to choke and suffocate him till his face turned white. Sungyeol was enraged, his deadly stare killing the soldier inside. "You're the sergeant who killed her."

The soldier started coughing as he tried to speak and defend himself. He held onto Sungyeol's arms, his hands growing weak as all oxygen was cut from his lungs to do anything. The sergeant sobbed for mercy as his tears soaked Sungyeol's sleeve. 

"You killed her. You're a fool."

"I didn't know that was going to happen. I had to make a choice before everyone died. I thought... Captain Peo ordered me to kill him, and I thought..."

"Well you thought wrong, and you shot the wrong person."

"Please... don't do this to me... I need you to know something..."

 "No. I want you to know how that mother felt when you killed her. I want you to know the pain those kids feel-"

"The kids..." the sergeant interrupted. 

"The kids? What about them, other than you crushed their hopes and dreams for the rest of their ing lives!" And in every word Sungyeol said, he pressed against his neck harder until there was no room for him to breath. The sergeant was crying in front of him gasping for any breath of air to keep him going. 

"... they're..."

The sergeant was losing consciousness, and Sungyeol lost himself in his own personal hell. Sungyeol played the devil with nothing but vengeance filled within him. Sungyeol showed no mercy. "You make me sick."

Myungsoo searched for Sungyeol all over the town the second he left his sight. Anxious to figure out what was going on with his friend and desperate to get Hoya's own death off of his chest. Everything was falling apart and though friendships were breaking down before him, Myungsoo needed assurance that his relationship with Sungyeol would stay strong through it all. 

"Sungyeol!" Myungsoo was horrified, staring at his best friend choking a fellow soldier to death. He rushed as fast as possible to save Sungyeol from doing something he would regret, frantic to save Sungyeol from himself. "Sungyeol, get off of him!" Myungsoo begged, grabbing onto his shoulders and ripping him away from the sergeant.

"Get OFF of me!" Sungyeol screamed, turning around and rashly shoving Myungsoo out of the way and into a streetlight.

Myungsoo bang his head against the pole and slid to the ground helplessly.

"Oh my god, Myungsoo." Sungyeol panicked, realizing that the one he pushed away was his own best friend. He covered his gaping mouth, his lip quivering in the shock of what he done. All hateful thoughts in his mind slipped away, erasing everything that had ever happened until this very moment. Sungyeol took a step forward to reach out and pick Myungsoo back up.

Myungsoo crawled away from Sungyeol on the floor, flinching the second Sungyeol raised his hand to him. Myungsoo hugged himself, shaking his head and unable to look at him straight in his eye.

Myungsoo feared Sungyeol.

"Myungsoo, that was an accident, I swear. I didn't mean to-"

"Are you going to hurt me too, like Hoya..." Myungsoo whimpered.

"What?!" A single tear streamed down Sungyeol's cheek, who shook it off to splash onto his uniform. "Myungsoo, I... I would never..."

The sergeant collapsed to the floor, holding onto his neck and gasping for all the air he could get to revive himself. His pale cheeks slowly flashed hints of pink, heaving his throat and gagging for a miracle. Even in his agony, he was able to make out a few words. "The kids... they're with us..."

Sungyeol's eyes widened, inching his head to face the sergeant. At the corner of his eye, he took a look at the sergeant who he almost singlehandedly kill in the middle of Sotena. He finally snapped out of his temporary insanity, on each of his side a person he hurt for no real reason. Sungyeol took a nervous gulp, losing his own breath as many thoughts enveloped him into anxiety. "What did you say?"

"The kids..." the sergeant gasped under his breath. "We took them with us. There were several other abandoned kids and their families taken hostage... we took them... they were all North Koreans who fled to China... they're Korean... they're staying here at the base... tomorrow special operations is taking them back..."

There were too many things to consider, and in his most vulnerable state Sungyeol could feel his heart falling to the pits of his stomach. The family, Myungsoo, Hoya, the sergeant, there were too many things that Sungyeol was trying to push aside in his mind. New thoughts were arising by the second, and Sungyeol wondered if his mind was capable of taking it all in. He wondered if he was in the right state of mind to distinguish good and evil, right and wrong, friend and enemy. The truth was, Sungyeol was far from it.

Sungyeol fell on his knees.

Where do I go from here? I'm a monster.

(((())))

Sunggyu spent majority of the day sleeping in his bunk to reunite with a mattress for the first time in several days. Nothing could beat the comfort of a fluffy bed that he had been yearning for so long, and after a stressful clump of days to deal with all he wanted was the peace and quiet. 

Sunggyu kept to himself after going through hours of strategic planning for special operations. Their biggest battle yet in Shu Chai was one day away, but the biggest battle yet was the internal burden of whether to tell Dongwoo the truth about Hoya's death. Sunggyu owed everything to Dongwoo to tell the truth to someone he considered a brother to him. At the same time, Sunggyu had to protect im from the inevitable torture Dongwoo would bring upon himself if he knew the absolute truth of it all.

It was a lose-lose situation, but Sunggyu wanted to lose himself in his dreams for a fleeting moment before returning back to reality.

That reality came striking down a couple hours into his slumber, waking Sunggyu up sometime in the evening. Sunggyu scratched his eye as he got out of bed, his eye barely open as he stumbled towards the bunk doors. He opened them up, and standing right in front of him was enough to wake him up.

"Dongwoo."

Dongwoo stood at the doorstep, his eyes bloodshot and pained in anguish. His eyes told a story of his breaking heart, and Sunggyu knew exactly why his friend was standing before him.

"Sunggyu."

"Do you..." Sunggyu hesitated to say much else. "I don't know, do you want to come in?"

Dongwoo shook his head, looking down at his shoes and avoiding any eye contact with Sunggyu. "No, I'll stand here."

Sunggyu reached his hand to Dongwoo remoresefully, but Dongwoo took a step back to avoid his touch. "I'm sorry."

Dongwoo shook his head one more time, struggling to speak under his crying. "Sunggyu, we need to talk."

"Dongwoo, yeah. You can talk to me about anything." Sunggyu bit his lip, leaning against the door and lowering his head in his own personal shame. It was to be expected.

"Hoya," Dongwoo made out.

Sunggyu hesitantly nodded his head. "Yeah."

"You know, I remembered this one memory of all of us a couple years ago. Remember when we went to Busan for Hoya's brother's wedding?"

Sunggyu cleared his throat. "I remember that clearly."

"I just remember it was a beautiful beach wedding, and Hoya's father was still alive. Sungyeol, Myungsoo, and Sungjong snuck off during the reception cause Woohyun told them you could go whale watching on the beach."

Sunggyu smirked, the lighthearted memory almost making him forget about the situation at hand. "Woohyun was flirting with Hoya's cousin, and they overheard their conversation that you can find whales there. Even though you can't."

"Sungyeol, Myungsoo, and Sungjong went to a cliff along the beach to try and spot them, and Sungjong fell off the cliff and landed straight in the ocean. Sungjong knows how to swim, but the waves were so strong they pushed him back so he held onto a rock. Myungsoo ran to Hoya to tell him that he was close to drowning, and his whole family got involved to save him. We tied a life saver to the beach and Hoya jumped in to save Sungjong as the waves grew stronger."

"I remember all of that."

"His dad got so mad at us, especially Sungyeol, Myungsoo, and Sungjong for running off by themselves-"

"But..." Sunggyu imagined the whole scene in his head, every little detail from what everyone was wearing to how the story ended. "... Hoya took all the blame."

Dongwoo took a deep breath, staying silent as he reflected on everything.

Sunggyu knew how much Dongwoo was hurting, and he only wished he knew the right words to tell his best friend everything would be ok. He only wished there was a cure to all of this, for all seven of them to rewind and go back to where they were before all of this. "Dongwoo..."

"Sunggyu, I spent the whole day trying to sleep, but instead I spent it tossing and turning in bed hoping that every time I open and close my eyes Hoya would be right next to me. Instead, I only feel empty because the one person who told me they would always be by my side is gone. Hoya was one of the most selfless people I knew, and... I never got to say goodbye...'' That was when Dongwoo weeped uncontrollably, barely holding on to keep himself standing.

"Dongwoo, I don't really know... I don't..."

"Just please tell me, when the sniper killed Hoya. What were his last words?" Dongwoo asked.

Sunggyu caught himself between a rock and a hard face, unable to look into his friends eyes as he believed every word Hoya told him. Hoya exploited Dongwoo's feelings, and Sunggyu knew all of this would end this way with Dongwoo in shreads of everything. Dongwoo was his closest friend, and he also knew more than anything that Hoya was one of the most important people in his life. Dongwoo deserved the truth more than anyone else. "Hoya's last words were..." Sunggyu looked up to the sky, hoping that an easy answer would come crashing down. He regretfully answered." Hoya's last words were: 'Don't take them. Take me instead. I'll fight for Korea to the very end. If you're going to take someone's life today, take mine.'"

Dongwoo broke down hearing his final words, lurching forward to fall into Sunggyu's arms for a tight embrace.

Sunggyu wrapped his arms around Dongwoo and rested Dongwoo's head into his chest, brushing his hair with his fingers to comfort him. Sunggyu knew what he did was wrong, stooping to Hoya's level to manipulate Dongwoo in the same way. He did not mean for it, but he knew Dongwoo would hurt even more if he knew the real truth about Hoya. 

It had to happen, as apologetic as Sunggyu felt.

Sunggyu pulled Dongwoo down with him, the both of them crying together on the floor.

(((())))

Sungyeol and Myungsoo walked together across the base to the military treatment center, where they both found out from the sergeant where the children were staying as well as other families found from their last town. After the revelation, Sungyeol felt like he owed it to the children of the fallen mother and apologize about everything. Even with the language barrier and probable fear instilled within the kids, Sungyeol wanted to do this for them to bring closure for them and his own story. 

Myungsoo stayed by Sungyeol for the rest of the day, never leaving his side for anything else. There were moments where the two of them would be quiet, never speaking a single word to each other for hours until a simple question and answer conversation occurred.

It was mutually understood that their existence and presence meant more than any word that could be spoken.

Walking into the distance, they finally saw the bright lights from the windows of the military treatment center. This was a place for displaced people to stay during the war as well as injured and sick soldiers to be treated. The hospital was ran by the most intelligent and respected doctors in Korea, and many soldiers throughout the day visited the center unharmed to be cleared before their biggest battle of the journey so far.

As they approached their final destination, Myungsoo spoke for the first time in a while. "What are you going to tell them when you see them?"

Sungyeol's expression was worrisome, wondering the same question himself. He had nothing planned, hoping that the words would spill out naturally into a sensible mean. "I don't really know what to say."

In his deepest moments of vulnerability, Sungyeol still kept to himself with cryptic comments that Myungsoo could barely comprehend. "Ok," was all he could respond, not bothering to inquire anything else. Myungsoo knew how offended Sungyeol could be sometimes when a person addressed issues with him. 

But Myungsoo barely had time to figure out his own.

They walked silently to the doors the hospital. The doors were glass, revealing the business of the hospital of different nurses, soldiers, and doctors flurrying inside. With a straight face, Sungyeol grabbed onto the handle and pulled the door open to enter.

Suddenly Myungsoo took his fist and slammed the door closed.

"Myungsoo." Sungyeol tried to pull the door open.

Myungsoo continued pushing the door, leaning his shoulder in to prevent Sungyeol from going in.

Sungyeol let out a frustrating exhale, letting go on the handle and crossing his arms. "What are you doing? Open the door."

"Not yet."

"Stop acting like this and open the door Myungsoo."

"Sungyeol, I need to get something off of my chest." Myungsoo pressed his back against the door, glaring at his friend sternly.

Sungyeol nodded his head, allowing Myungsoo to talk.

Myungsoo sniffed his nose. "I'm going crazy right now, and you've heard this story a million times. This war is insane, and all of these heightened emotions are getting to me as expected."

"Myungsoo, it's going to be ok. I promise-"

"Sungyeol." Myungsoo gripped onto Sungyeol's shoulders, looking straight into his eyes to emphasize his every word. "Sunggyu... he killed Hoya because he was the spy."

What?! Sungyeol's body started shaking. He had suspected something strange with Myungsoo's words earlier, but hearing the confirmation of what he wished was never true left an unsettling feeling in his heart. "Myungsoo..."

"It's just." Myungsoo was fighting back tears. This was an episode that occurred repeatedly. Myungsoo would tell himself he is strong, and all of his confidence would come crashing down into pieces. His heart fluctuated, and he only wished his emotions would stay more consistent instead of toying with his heart strings constantly. "I'm tired of secrets because that's what's hurting us the most. Sungjong is gone. Sunggyu is lying to everyone, including Dongwoo, about his death and telling everyone Sotenans killed Hoya. And you."

Myungsoo scanned Sungyeol from head to toe, bringing his gaze back at Sungyeol, who was starting to tear up from seeing Myungsoo talk like this. Sungyeol always kept his emotions in check, especially around Myungsoo. Now he was barely holding back, and he thought everything would spill out. "How can we help each other if we can't even help ourselves?"

At that moment, Woohyun pushed the doors open from inside and knocked Myungsoo into Sungyeol's arms. "Sungyeol. Myungsoo."

Myungsoo spun around to see Woohyun walking out of the military treatment center. And after regaining his balance, Sungyeol still had his arms around Myungsoo. "Woohyun, what are you doing here?" the startled Myungsoo asked.

Woohyun shrugged his shoulders. "I wanted to stitch up a wound on the back of my neck. What are you two doing here?"

"We're... we're going to see the families from the last town," Myungsoo stuttered.

Sungyeol kept quiet during this time. Even though it was unnecessary, Sungyeol still held onto Myungsoo's shoulders and kept him close. 

"They're on the second floor," Woohyun answered. He bowed in front of them, going on his way to return to his dorm with Sunggyu. His demeanor was different; tired and indifferent to everything and everyone around him. "I'm going to go sleep now. You guys should too. You're going to need it for tomorrow," he declared.

"Yes hyung," Myungsoo answered back. 

Woohyun nodded his head, walking past his two dongsaengs to walk to the residential bunks and sleep for the rest of the morning. He took a step forward, stopping himself for a moment to say some lasting words to Sungyeol and Myungsoo before he left. Woohyun cracked his knuckles and turned his head slightly to project his voice. "Be prepared for tomorrow. I can't afford to lose another person. No more secrets. We have to stick together, and we need each other more than anything."

Woohyun's lasting words resonated within Sungyeol and Myungsoo as he walked away. Woohyun was never one to say anything profound, but after everything that has happened his words were just what they needed to carry on. Sungyeol continued wrapping his arms around Myungsoo, their bodies standing still infront of the doors.

They had yet to step inside.

"Myungsoo, I didn't mean to push you today," Sungyeol meekly spoke.

Myungsoo nodded his head, biting his tongue and trying to understand Sungyeol's situation. "I understand, and it's fine."

"No, it's not. Myungsoo, you're the last person in this world I would ever want to hurt. I meant it when I said it, but if you can't trust anyone else then please trust me. Woohyun's right. We need each other more than anything, and I need to get over my high horse and tell you everything on my mind." Sungyeol held onto Myungsoo tighter, resting his head on his shoulder. "When I pushed you to the ground, it reaffirmed in my head the words that bastard told us in Aniyan. Monster. What is a monster? I think we all have one within us, and they're born during our worst. My monster was born when..." Sungyeol could no longer speak up.

"When the burglar killed your mom and dad?" 

"I'll never forget that moment, my father holding onto my mother and tell me and Daeyeol to go to our rooms. We watched from the inside balcony, the both of them compromising to keep us alive. Well, it cost their own lives..."

"My monster... was born when I killed Yu Kwon. And it's trying to come out again after confirming Hoya was the spy. For him to do that, I don't understand. I don't understand how that bastard can do that to all of us." Myungsoo wiped away his tears. "Even then, Hoya was still a friend. He was still there for all of us... I want to hate Hoya, but I can't. I still love him. He was still a brother. I'm just disappointed in my brother and the mess he caused all of us, for Sungjong."

Sungyeol nodded his head, holding onto Myungsoo tight as if he was unable to let him go. "When people see things like that, they start to think negatively about the world. People like me, we think we're stronger if we ignore everything outright and move on with life without talking about it ever again. But then unexpected things like this happen, and we're trapped in a cage of our old selves that we never solved in the first place; and we realize the cowards we truly are."

Sungyeol barely spoke about his parents after their murder, and since Myungsoo lost hope that Sungyeol could ever appreciate the world ever again. He questioned whether Sungyeol could even recover from this. "Sungyeol, you're one of the strongest people I know. I've never seen you cowardly at any point, and just because things like this happen doesn't mean the world ends." Myungsoo hooked his hands onto Sungyeol's arms, gripping onto them tenderly and rubbing his thumb on his skin. "I've relied on you for many of my problems, that sometimes I forget that you have problems of your own that you need to figure out on your own. I was wrong in thinking you could solve everything. I was wrong in thinking that everyone could solve my issues when I need to be the first person to do it. And you too."

"Myungsoo, I care about you and I want to be by your side through every problem you have. I have my own issues that I didn't even want to bother telling you about, but I'm going to include you now in everything I do."

Myungsoo nodded in understanding. "You're not a monster, by the way. A monster has no compassion."

"You're not a monster either, because you don't hate the world..." Sungyeol tried to breathe, choking on his words. "Myungsoo, you're going to be fine. Hoya is gone, but Sungjong isn't. As for me, I need to stop compensating for their deaths. With your mom, with the mom we met two days ago. I want to tell those kids that the monster doesn't need to come out. I want to tell the families of every single person I killed that they don't have to be monsters. The world doesn't end here. They can be stronger, hopefully stronger than me. They don't even have to listen to me, but as long as I try to tell them. That's all that matters to me."

Myungsoo grabbed onto each of Sungyeol's arms and brought them down, turning around face-to-face to see a tearful Sungyeol in front of him. He used a thumb to wipe a wet spot on Sungyeol's cheek, sharing a faint smile with Sungyeol. "I'll stay by your side when you do it."

"I'm killing innocent people left and right, and the mother was the last straw. It doesn't matter whether I'm killing a Sotenan soldier or a mother. I'm killing either way."

"Being a monster is such a subjective thing, because circumstance changes things. You can't turn back the tides and take back the lives of everyone you killed. I can't go back in time and find that one moment when Hoya betrayed all of us and convince him otherwise. We have to go on with what we have... and those children are there."

"I'm going to tell them everything. I owe it to them, and I want them to grow up to be better people."

Myungsoo had no words for him. Only a gesture of support and affirmation that this was happening. Something like this would take time to heal, and for more than 10 years the healing process had yet to occur. Myungsoo let go of Sungyeol's arms and clasped onto the handle to pull open.

But before they could go inside, Sungyeol pushed the door closed and rested his elbow on it. 

"Sungyeol?" Myungsoo was confused.

"Thank you, for being Kim Myungsoo."  

Myungsoo sniffed his nose. "Thank you for being Lee Sungyeol."

Dear Mom,

Wow how can I even describe what just went on for the past 24 hours?

I'm less than 10 hours away from a major takeover in Shu Chai, and I want to tell you the world but I don't have time. I should sleep soon. This is the only time I have to sleep on a comfortable mattress and I should take advantage of it.

Mom, I'm going to tell you the news. But Hoya is gone. Hoya is gone, and I saw Sunggyu shoot him to his death. What we found out in the end, I don't want to break your heart. I don't know if I feel animosity or remorse for all of this. Sometimes with the pressures of war, perspectives change, and you lose the people closest to you in the process.

But, the show must go on. With every problem we have, we must fight our inner demons to get through. I've learned today from Sungyeol that he had been keeping a monster inside of him since his parents' death, Hoya was keeping the monster of a major betrayal, Sunggyu is keeping a monster inside of him for killing Hoya, Dongwoo is keeping a monster inside of him from the heartbreak of Hoya's death, and Woohyun is keeping a monster inside of him as he's watching our friendships deteriorate and fall apart.

Sungjong, what monster is inside of you? Buddy, I'll be there soon to find out.

In the mean time, suppress the monster, because that monster is what breaks people apart. That monster is what holds us back. Mom, I had a monster when I brutally killed  a soldier for being behind Sungjong's death. That monster came out, and it was terrifying. I'm glad that you weren't able to witness that, and I promise this monster isn't coming out ever again.

Please hope for the best. Tomorrow is another judgement day. I will live to see Sungjong.

- Kim Myungsoo